Posts Tagged ‘boundaries’

personal boundaries

October 10, 2017

I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately. You know how when you pray for patience you should expect the opportunity to practice it instead of just being given good patience magically? Well as soon as I put this intention about my boundaries out into the universe the universe handed me a boatload of opportunities to stick up for myself. 

I had a guy that abasically assaulted me years ago call me. Ok… So that one was easy… But the universe knew I needed a softball to get my feet wet. Then another guy that use to be a playmate asked to scene with me, and I was able to shut him down because of his current relationship status. I wasn’t interested in being the chick on the side even if it was just to scene with. 

All those were just practice for this one tho… My father. Specifically his girlfriend. A girl that is younger than me and hooked on drugs. I’m the only one out of all my siblings that will even allow this girl in my current place of residency. They came over and stayed the night. She ended up stealing some of my clothes. There’s a huge long back story to all this that I don’t have the energy to go into, but I finally did it. I cut my father off. Well, until he ditches the addict. I know I know.  You might say the heart wants what it wants, but my father does not want this chick. If she made him happy this would be a different story. He keeps telling me he feels trapped. And she’s abusive. But that’s all part of that long back story. It’s unhealthy and I can no longer be in support of it. And stealing my clothes… Ugh. Maybe I’ll go in to more detail at another time. Sigh. 

Anyway. Somehow the universe gave me a fuse just short enough to be able to build some much needed walls. 

It’s interesting to me… I’m so gracious with people. And for the most part I love this about me. It makes me unique. It’s my super power and why I’m such a good friend. But lately I’ve just been railroaded because of it. Gracious to a fucking fault. Which is sad because like I said I really like this about me. Usually. I know there’s a balance… I need to take this gift I have and make it a better art form. Sprinkle in some discernment. And make sure I am kept safe while being the best me possible.

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panman

December 19, 2015

Thru the community on fetlife I’ve made a new friend. I’ll refer to him as PanMan. Let me back up a bit.

I wrote about a vetting I went to a few months back. I met several people that added me on fet that night. That night I came home to a message from PanMan… he basically was saying it was nice to meet me and thought we’d have a good time if we played together. Well, at the time I thought this was incredibly audacious because I was sitting next to Sir the entire time. To be fair, Sir was pretty stoic the whole time. So I can see how PanMan might not have recognized our connection. I’m not sure if that was him protecting me or if that was just extincts and establishing his Dom presence among a room full of d/s types. I don’t know. Either way… It wasn’t a bad thing except when someone tried to introduce themselves. He had a huge wall up for whatever reason. Even so far as to not even turn his head in the direction of someone who was talking. I found it a bit odd… but didn’t question it.

Anyway, about the message. I made simple chitchat back. I kept up all the right boundaries and said it was nice meeting a Dom around my age. I don’t see that too often in this bible belt state. “Keep in touch.” We had a short back and forth after that. He recognized my point. And in the few days after that me and Sir made ourselves fetlife official. Claimed out loud. I was happy about it.

As we all know, me and Sir ended shortly after that. PanMan messaged me recently. We’ve been chatting. He’s one of those people that are really easy to get close to because he doesn’t feel the need to hold much back. It’s easy to reciprocate that.

The only thing about it is the boundaries. It’s not a gray area relationship. We are very much just friends. It’s his words. He is very complimentary. And I don’t hate that. Who would hate that?? He makes it very clear I am his type and he is attracted to me. But it’s just in words. He isn’t trying to make a move. And I feel very confident he won’t.

Maybe there isn’t a problem here. I do enjoy this friendship quite a bit. He’s had a rough patch. He’s a good talker and a good listener. Great sense of humor. I love when humor meshes like this. And truth be told he is really good for my self-esteem.

Am I playing with fire here? I would hate to hurt Andy in anyway. I would also hate if I was keeping a friendship just for my own ego… I don’t think I’m doing that here. I guess I’m just hoping I am not lying to myself about all this.