Posts Tagged ‘bored’

emotional hangover

November 24, 2014

Yesterday I spent all day in pain. Not physical pain, but soul pain. At one point i was laying flat on my back on the living room floor… not even my dog would approach me it was so tangible. Where did it come from? What triggered this?

I normally consider myself pretty void of emotion. But maybe that’s not really so… I am not good at hiding what i feel. well, that’s not true either. I think I’m good at hiding anger. I’m good at hiding heart break. But when i’m sad, i look sad. I might not, probably won’t, cry in front of you… But i’m a happy, chipper person… so.. anything felt otherwise i suppose is pretty noticeable. But I’d say I normal don’t feel anything to the extreme… I definitely don’t act upon it.

I spent yesterday alone. It was a long day. I felt so much. And i don’t really know what it was. Heartbreak? Hopeless? Lonely? Bored? I think it was all of that and more. Everything hit me. I’m an emotional eater… and normally if boredom hits or sadness or stress, food is my solace. But not even that tugged at me yesterday. I’ve been working on that. Not running to food. Or at least recognizing emotional hunger versus physiological hunger. And maybe I finally hit a break through with that yesterday. Maybe it was my sub-conscious forcing me to face my emotions. To process them. Instead of stuff them down with food. Maybe yesterday was a break through. It felt messy. It felt chaotic. Maybe its going to clear up in a way that cleaning your bedroom looks way worse before it actually gets better and cleaned and organized and uncluttered. Gotta pull everything out of all the nooks and crannies to either dust it off, put it up, or throw it out… I don’t know.

But i do know I was hurting every where. deep down. all throughout. so much. And today… the residual sadness is almost consoling. What does that even mean? It feels like a companion… like its a helper. Like I’m suppose to use it for something.

Maybe its going to do nothing more than to keep me away from people today… keep me from reaching out. Force me to process this on my own.

Maybe its nothing more than hormones… and tomorrow it’ll just be gone. That sucks to think about. That our emotions are just manifestations of the wrong chemical in our body at the time… no meaning other than malfunction of the body. obviously, some people think that… its why pills for depression exists… and i’m not saying there isn’t a place in this world for that… there most certainly is… i’m just hoping there’s more to it for me.

That’s enough for now. Here’s to keeping it together today… or letting things go… we’ll see.

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