Posts Tagged ‘binging’

week 1

July 26, 2016

I keep getting that feeling in my forearms today. That rejected feeling. It kind of moves in a swirling pattern. I don’t know why my emotions can’t recover. They just plain can’t. I have great moments. Moments I don’t think about the sadness. And moments where I’m enjoying the now and the people around me. But this cloud is hovering still.

I’m starting a new weight loss journey today. Something a bit more focused than the moderation i’ve been doing lately. I mean, i’ve been doing moderate extremely well. I was very forgiving of myself. I had pizza and cheese dip and beer. But i’d also prep food for several days of clean eating.

I need more tho. It’s not enough. It’s time to get to my goal. It truly is. I’ve spent 7 years now sitting in a better position and in better health than previously but it’s time to take it all the way. Take it to the ideal. To my ideal.

I’ve come into an interesting situation. I have a person in my life that has seen my struggle for years. My day to day battle with emotional eating and working out a shit ton. And always coming up even. They have made me an offer I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT REFUSE.

If I front $200 then in 17 weeks time if I lose 30 pounds I will receive $1000. I think it’s brilliant. I need to lose 1.8 pounds per week to do this. I have to be consistent for 3 full months. I’m dreading all those binge-ful moments where I have to confront so many demons versus literally stuffing them down with food. I’m scared that this motivation won’t be enough. I’m scared.

But I think if I remain patient with myself while also having a sense of urgency with each food decision I make then I can do this. If I don’t do it this time then I can’t see myself ever doing it. I work really hard to always go backwards. Really hard. It’s quite depressing what I could’ve accomplished with all that effort without the backsliding.

I’m going to try to do this. Week 1 starts today. Each Monday in my calendar has a new number that I should weigh that day if I want to stay on track. My hope is that the beginning goes a bit quicker than the pace I’ve set out so that towards the end, when I’m down to those vanity pounds, I can put the same kind of effort in with enough results to make it.

So while I’m really sad and feeling very refected today by the world I’m also hopeful. I’m also grateful for a focus. Let’s see what happens.

7/26/16 167.8lbs

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happy place

July 24, 2015

Well, Melissa didn’t call. I didn’t workout. But I could’ve done it worse… Could’ve had all 8 pieces of the pie…. instead of just two… and I could’ve bought and ate a whole bag of Doritos instead of simply naked pita chips…………..

I feel disgusting. And ashamed. And I need to turn this around. A-fucking-SAP.

I woke up with piercing pain in my right temple. BUt duh… I ate like shit this week after eating to perfection for 4 weeks prior. Shocked my system to say the least. I need to find my new happy place….

And I think I know where that is. I found… an outlet. A fetlife friend. He is already in a relationship. An open one. Well, only open enough for him to let out his Dom. His primary relationship is vanilla. And it matches my needs right now. I’m hung up on a guy that I can’t have, and need an outlet myself. It’s so weird to crave something that’s not been part of my life for too long. Less than a year… and yet I know that experiencing any kind of pain (or what I call having a pain/pleasing relationship) would be so perfect right now. I could shake off the heartache. Find motivation in that.

I find this difficult to write about almost. Knowing that it doesn’t make sense to some people. Why would someone want to experience pain? Why would someone want to bring yourself to basically the level of slave and servant to someone for a little while (at least). I don’t know.

But I’ve been thinking lately about a lot of aspects of this. When you feel pain you feel pleasure at an even higher degree. When he’s happy I’m even happier. When he is proud, I am on top of the world. When I endure I am brave and strong and I did it well!! ——>craving to say the least right now… but only because I KNOW, somehow I know, that this will help to heal me. If only for a release of everything I’m holding onto on the inside. In those moments of submission EVERYTHING comes out. You don’t hide anything you feel. You let your reactions shine thru. Raw. You let go of all facades. It’s alllll gone. It disappears. And I NEVER let go. I’m the kind of person that can consume a six pack or a whole bottle of wine and still think about every word I say. Need that nakedness. It’s the only time I know how, or want to show all. I want that. I want to be vulnerable and exposed. I have so much need for that right now.

I will meet him soon and see how we connect in person.

I thought about reaching out to a few people I’ve done this with in the past. One of them I’m worried would be too difficult because there is history of feelings. A lot of feelings on both our parts. And existing feelings. I think about him and I wish to be there in his arms… then experience those arms in full force. It’s almost too hard to resist. Just thinking about it is intoxicating. But that’s why I can’t put myself in that position. Because I’m heartbroken. And I don’t believe that is a healthy way to fix my heartache. Even if we do have a future (or especially if we have a future)… It isn’t going to work if I’m recovering. And the other guy… Not enough pain. He’s not a masochist… he likes the control more than the pain infliction and I need to find a better match.

Here’s to my new happy place. I feel better just writing about it. Happy Friday, all.