Posts Tagged ‘binge eating’

week ???

October 11, 2016

I have no idea where I am in this whole weight loss challenge. I do know that I’m JUST NOW under 160. That took for friggin ever! My birthday really threw in a rough kink. I swear it was the birthday that never ended. I had so many dinners and lunches and celebrations. Gah! It was awesome! But impossible to stay on track.

So the scale isn’t budging much, but holy cow! My clothes. The mirror. They don’t lie. INCHES INCHES INCHES. I feel amazing.

This is by far the longest I’ve been this consistent. I’ve meal prepped so much in the last 3 months. It’s insane.

For the first 5 or 6 weeks I didn’t struggle much with my binge eating. But after that it’s been so so tough. I know that a lot of that has to do with my birthday and making so many exceptions. Once you have the bad things in your veins that is ALL you want. And ALL you think about. And when the craving hits…. game over. It’s been rough.

Everything in the gym has improvemed. I ABSOLUTELY love it. The feeling is beyond what I ever expected.

I have good brain days and bad brain days. But the fact that I have a few skinny brain days cropping up is such an awesome gift and such a telling side effect.

So while I won’t make any money off this weight loss challenge, I’ve definitely made some great mental strides here and very evident physical ones. I wore a bathing suit this weekend (too cold to swim but perfect for poolside reading in the sun!) that I’ve put on twice this summer and promptly took off. I put it on this weekend and didn’t feel compelled to jump out of it! I even got a compliment from my brother. MY BROTHER! A brother compliment!!!! WHAT?!?!

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week 7

September 6, 2016

Beginning of week 7… I’m not optimistic about the numbers on the scale still. But still feel fantastic. I don’t think the big number I was aiming for in the beginning of this is feasible. I am doing my best and the numbers just aren’t happening. I’m not letting myself get too down over the numbers. The mirror is being good to me. So I’ll have to go with that. The big number is 30 lbs in 17 weeks. But now Hoping for 22? I don’t know. I’ve added heavier lifting and more cardio through the week. I’m interested in seeing what will come of that.

The consistency part is the best part about this whole thing. It really feels like a life style change this time.

I’m struggling a little bit not to binge since my vacation. I took time off of being super strict and my cravings are starting to wear me out. I gave last night. I snaked out on some chips and cheese dip. I didn’t eat it all tho. Whoa. I just realized that. I DIDN’T FINISH THE BAG OR THE TUB OF CHEESE!! Maybe even with the binge there is improvement!

I just have to push passed all the dang cravings. The break wasn’t worth how hard it is hitting it again.

So… to break or not to break next time?

It’s either go insane not taking a cheat or go insane after a cheat. What’s easier? What is better for me long term?

I’ll have to stick with where my cheating was what I was eating and not the amount I was eating. I was cheating but keeping the calorie count where it needed to be. Maybe that’s the ticket. I’ll try that again this week.

I don’t know if you can tell, but I’m trying to talk myself into a better brain space here. Fake it til I make it, right?? Because really I do feel good about all this. I just hoped that my best would look a bit better than this. Let’s see what week 7 looks like. I won’t have numbers to post or compare because I’ve put my scale up. But lets see where my brain is later this week.

week 3

August 8, 2016

It’s the beginning of week 3 and I’m already ahead of the game!

Can I keep this up for 13 more weeks???? I’m chugging at full steam and I just hope that the results motivate me to continue.

I love when a Monday rolls around and I feel comfortable in slacks with a button. Doesn’t happen often!

You guys know what I’m talkin’ ’bout.

I have vacation at the end of this month. It’s gonna be a super outdoorsy vacation with some girlfriends from college. They are both very energetic and very in shape. I am in shape. But it sure would be nice to not only hang with them on the trails but also the bars at night!

Usually in a group of girls I resign myself to the wing man… I kind of shift my acceptance of myself to help my sanity and self esteem. Sounds awful right??? Geez. All this negative self talk. I am working on it.

Well, I feel great right now and I can only imagine what 3 more weeks will do! I think this vacation might drive me for a few weeks. Extra drive, that is. 🙂

I have all my food prepped for another week. Prepping food gives me a fighting chance against my emotional hunger. My binges (for some reason) aren’t triggered by having that kind of food in my apartment. Well, I say that. If I have food prepped and separated in tupperware I won’t binge on it. Unlike if I were to just make a big bowl of tuna salad and just spoon out what I want for that meal… at that point seconds happen, then thirds, then… there goes my lunches for the week. Oops. But I’m ready. Lets kick ass another week, shall we!?

Happy Monday!

week 2 continued…

August 3, 2016

I am kicking ass this week. Boom. Bam. Wapow!

I feel great. I always forget how strong I feel in the gym and how slim I feel every where else when I clean up my diet.

So far the week has been way too busy to have time to mess it up or even think about bingeing.

It’s early yet. But I feel GREAT!

Three events have been cancelled this week that would test my self discpline. I’m really really happy about it. While I know I need practice making the right decisions, I’m grateful to get one more week under my belt before relying on self control.

I’ve put up my scale so that I’m not tempted. The numbers on the scale just give me an excuse to crash diet or slack off. So, I’m going to try to keep my weigh ins on Mondays only and stick to my meal plan.

Just going to feel good about feeling good and keep on keepin on.

week 1

July 26, 2016

I keep getting that feeling in my forearms today. That rejected feeling. It kind of moves in a swirling pattern. I don’t know why my emotions can’t recover. They just plain can’t. I have great moments. Moments I don’t think about the sadness. And moments where I’m enjoying the now and the people around me. But this cloud is hovering still.

I’m starting a new weight loss journey today. Something a bit more focused than the moderation i’ve been doing lately. I mean, i’ve been doing moderate extremely well. I was very forgiving of myself. I had pizza and cheese dip and beer. But i’d also prep food for several days of clean eating.

I need more tho. It’s not enough. It’s time to get to my goal. It truly is. I’ve spent 7 years now sitting in a better position and in better health than previously but it’s time to take it all the way. Take it to the ideal. To my ideal.

I’ve come into an interesting situation. I have a person in my life that has seen my struggle for years. My day to day battle with emotional eating and working out a shit ton. And always coming up even. They have made me an offer I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT REFUSE.

If I front $200 then in 17 weeks time if I lose 30 pounds I will receive $1000. I think it’s brilliant. I need to lose 1.8 pounds per week to do this. I have to be consistent for 3 full months. I’m dreading all those binge-ful moments where I have to confront so many demons versus literally stuffing them down with food. I’m scared that this motivation won’t be enough. I’m scared.

But I think if I remain patient with myself while also having a sense of urgency with each food decision I make then I can do this. If I don’t do it this time then I can’t see myself ever doing it. I work really hard to always go backwards. Really hard. It’s quite depressing what I could’ve accomplished with all that effort without the backsliding.

I’m going to try to do this. Week 1 starts today. Each Monday in my calendar has a new number that I should weigh that day if I want to stay on track. My hope is that the beginning goes a bit quicker than the pace I’ve set out so that towards the end, when I’m down to those vanity pounds, I can put the same kind of effort in with enough results to make it.

So while I’m really sad and feeling very refected today by the world I’m also hopeful. I’m also grateful for a focus. Let’s see what happens.

7/26/16 167.8lbs

food sex alcohol

June 6, 2016

I’m on self destruct mode. I need a handle on at least the food. R has agreed to help me with that. I always love when a Dom is going to take control for me in that department. I have no control. I still wear his marks. I’m beginning to think they are permanent.

The trickiest part of wearing his marks is maneuvering them around Trey. I’ve walked the edges of bdsm in our conversation. He knows I’m into something of the sorts. But he doesn’t know I’m an active participant right now. And even with all the honestly I’ve done I haven’t explicitly said that I might be having/had sex with someone else too.

I’m honest in the fact that I want to keep it casual while I’m living on Heartbreak avenue. But to be honest, I don’t know that I’d be interested if I wasn’t suffering right now.

He’s a great guy. He’s funny. He’s sweet. He actually makes enough money to support at least himself. He’s happy. He’s quick to compliment. I haven’t had this great of a combo in quite a while. QUITE!

Such a girl move to not be interested in the guy that would be perfect, huh?

Anyway, back to the self destruct topic. Just feeling out of control. Not sure what I need to reign it in. I guess there is a sort of cycle about the chaos… The next step in this cycle is some sort of simplification. Cut the extremities. But I’m just so sad and can get a little lonely. It’s hard to cut that off. I’m being incredibly selfish right now. Ugh. I hate when I have to go find my big girl panties.

cheese dip and workouts

April 4, 2016

I just had my yearly review. I’ve been anxious about it for a week now. So so so anxious. It went fine. Nothing unexpected happened or was said.

But the anxiousness leaves me hungry. I’m starving! Emotional hunger is so so real. I can’t believe how real it feels some times.

I know its not real because the only thing that would satisfy this hunger is cheese dip and chips. That’s all I can think about right now. It’s an hour and 10 minutes until my lunch break. I’ve got to figure a healthy way to curb this, but no resolution is coming to mind.

That’s a lie.

I just keep diverting my attention back to cheese dip.

I’ve got a very rigorous workout schedule planned for this week. I’m keenly aware of the fact that I’m pushing it to the point that I can’t lie to myself about the healthiness of it.

I’m rationalizing the fuck out of all of it! It’s insane.

I’ve got 6 crossfit classes planned. 2 of those are AM sessions. I need to add in some long rows after class too. One treadmill interval workout. And a bike ride or two. Also, going to the driving range with mitch… but that one barely counts.

See it’s not THAT crazy. Nah. It’s fine. I’ll be fine. I’ll be super sore by Wednesday, but don’t worry, I’ll eat plenty. :-\

binge/detox

March 28, 2016

I binged yesterday.

I can say this a hell of a lot more than I say this.

Had my first hiccup with mitch. It spun me out a little bit.

I feel awful today. Me and mitch worked it out fine. He has some jealousy baggage from past relationships that he tried to drop on my doorstep. I shut that down. And quick. We will be stronger than that. Done.

But I still needed ice cream. So I made that happen. Also, dinner was a fiasco. At least I did it with the food that was in the fridge already.

Usually I don’t stop til everything is gone. Which is not good on a day where I just did meal prep for the week. Could’ve wasted all my efforts.

At least this binge didn’t clean me out this time or effect my pocket book more than the cost of the ice cream… as in… I didn’t splurge on $30 – $50 on food delivery like I normally do when the urge hits.

My stomach hates me today. I’m exhausted too. Coincidence? Not a chance. Of course I already got my compensatory workout in at 6am this morning.

And again, we are at a detox Monday. Is this going to be my whole life?

a clean break

March 17, 2016

I haven’t heard from A since the break up phone call last Sunday. Nothing. The phone call went smoothly. A break up phone call should never be labeled “smooth”, right? He didn’t argue. He apologized and let me go.

It’s hard for me not to think that maybe he wanted me to do it. But I don’t want to give you the wrong idea. I’m not sitting over here overthinking my decision. In fact, the very fact that I haven’t heard from him only solidifies my decision even more.

I’m not sad. I don’t miss him. I guess my heart knew it was coming. My head is running the show and I’m not experiencing any hiccup. Monday I was a little blue. But by Tuesday I was… normal.

In fact, I’m quite centered this week. I’ve had a few really good workouts. My eating has been quite under control. No binges. No mind consuming, urgent cravings that I have to satiate.

The weather has been amazing this week. I can’t wait to get my road bike out and hit the trail tomorrow! I think mitch is coming. 🙂

I feel good about me. All week I’ve quite enjoy what I look at in the mirror. It’s a weird consistent loving of myself that I haven’t experienced often in my lifetime. 4 days of positive self thought?! Unimaginable!

My workouts have been GREAT! I am back in the full swing of crossfit after being disengaged from it for a full year. I love lifting heavy weights and feeling confident with the barbell. I workout with a lot of newbies and while I’m not where I was when I quit, I’m still ahead of them. But only in confidence. I mean, do I have more on the bar than them? Yes. But it isn’t their strength in the way. They’ll get there! I got there. I really really enjoy coaching them in the gym. I know I’m not certified or whatever, but I can offer tiny ques that help A LOT. It’s awesome seeing that light bulb go off for some! I love that!

You know what’s funny? I’m not over thinking the fact that he hasn’t reached out. I’m over thinking the fact that I’m so dang happy this week! How long was I needing to end this?! When was when? I didn’t see it I guess. I know that I almost did it several weeks back, but I wonder when it stopped being fun and started hurting my confidence. I truly didn’t feel like he wanted me nor did he offer up any evidence that I was priority in his life. Gosh, that is awful! Even tho it would’ve been nice to feel fought for I like what a clean break perspective can offer.

something right

November 13, 2015

I think I’ve been making a mistake by only looking at the bad moments and asking what is going wrong.

I think intuitively my process (of working through my binge/emotional eating disorder) has been:

  • Learn to recognize the bad moments while in a bad moment.
  • Think about why this moment is bad. Be extremely specific and focus on what emotion I am feeling.
  • Learn from that going forward, whether its eliminating the source or finding productive ways to deal with it other than eating.

But what if the question isn’t what is wrong in the bad moments, but asking what is right in the good moments? Why shouldn’t we practice mindfulness in the good times too?

I’ve had a kickass week. K I C K A S S !

I never once had a binge moment. Or even a thought of binging. I never had to struggle with it at all. Usually I’m neck deep in should I order chef shuttle or not EVERY NIGHT. Getting as far as the check out page and closing the browser only to jump back on chef shuttle and repeat. Not once this week!

It could simply be it’s that sweet spot week that my hormone levels aren’t crazy. Which would be really sad because that would mean that 50-75% of my child bearing years are just damned to sabotage me. Not comforting.

I was productive. Got a few amazing workouts. I got a set of 10 pushups!! I’ve been working up to that for a while now. I ran some much needed errands. Made a major dent in my christmas shopping. Cleaned out my pantry. At work I was extremely productive too. Felt like a contributing part of my team… doesn’t happen often being the low man on the totem pole. But it’s hard to nail down what the product of a right moment is and what the source of a good moment is. Like, am I feeling productive because I did all those things? or is my productivity the side effect of something else that was right…?

So what was right?

  • I don’t have a relationship inner struggle. The Sir/poly/Andy/mono struggle I was consumed with is resolved. I knew it was resting heavy on me, but stress is one of those things that you don’t quite know how much its effecting you til it is lifted and gone.
  • I had all the right groceries in my fridge. Usually this is the case, but I also took time this week to prep food for the following day each day. I kind of followed the zone diet. So I’d make/prep/pack at least 6 zones to take to work with me to eat before I got home and before my workout.
  • Me and Andy are great. He has a way of saying things that put me at ease as soon as I feel the girly doubtful irrational thoughts creep in my head.
  • My ex finally paid the rest of what he owed me for the house. I’ve been stressing about money lately and christmas shopping seemed so dreadful. But he paid me the money and it made my christmas shopping much more enjoyable. I basically got my list of people taken care of. The rest of my christmas shopping is going to be way relaxing. Basically now I can just buy when I see something that makes me thing of someone. The fun thoughtful gifts people wouldn’t think of.
  • This is the second week in a row I’ve kept my social calendar relatively clear. I was getting into a habit of filling it all up. Every evening I had plans. So the moments I was sitting still would hit me like a brick and trigger whatever binge emotions are there. It took me 5 days of chilling out to actually relax and calm my inner cookie (and pizza and really any other carb) monster. It’s funny, I don’t feel bored or lonely in these moments… but maybe there’s something there… about the chaos of life stopping that does trigger it. Been bouncing this around in my head after I realized how relaxed I finally got last Thursday.

So the big ones are in that list…. work, relationships, money… those all felt right this week. Hm… interesting!

Despite being on-call this week, and having that be disruptive to my sleep schedule, I felt completely in control. I decided when and what I was going to eat instead of the cravings deciding for me. Everything I ate was quality food, perfect portions, and once it was done I was done. These moments are so rare it seems. Feels good to be in control.

Let’s do this again next week!

Happy Friday all!