Posts Tagged ‘best friend’

Priorities

June 30, 2015

I feel like a lot of events happen in our life and we don’t see or feel the significance of them until later… till after the dust settles. Then you look back on those times and see what you learned and be grateful for the experience.

Right now is not one of those moments. It’s not one that I need to wait to look on. I see this intersection as plain as myself in the mirror. This is a defining moment.

I’ve had a few friend issues lately. Multiple friends. These issues are propagating from a few people I’d consider to be my “deeper” relationships. It makes me question all the way down to the relationships’ foundation. And not just the foundation of those individual friendships, but to the whole way I go about picking, forming, grooming, and pruning (or lack of pruning) my friends.

I’ve come to realize the value I place on the people in my life. And the bond I have with them. I’ve more importantly come to realize that not all people place this much weight on said relationships. And it’s been through heart break after heart break that I’m finally coming to see this… and actually I didn’t even see it on my own. A friend that I was chatting out these “issues” with suggested it… and It was the biggest light bulb I’ve had since my first week at my first job when I realized saying “I don’t know” is the smartest thing you can say.

We all have a value system. And its all just a list of priorities. This whole friendship deal… That one is high on my list. Other people have their priorities in another order. And it doesn’t make it wrong. It just makes it painful for me at times. But what am I doing that is paining them? Maybe I’m belittling one of their higher priorities. Gah! I sure hope I don’t hurt someone the way I’m hurting right now.

Anyway, this intersection of my life: What will I do with my light bulb moment? Do I cast off the “friends” with a priority list that is completely different than mine? Do I settle for friends that don’t give anything, while I do my circus, hoop jumping act on a regular basis? I don’t know. I don’t know what is right. Maybe there’s a balance I have to find. I do know that I’m in pain today. I’m not scared of pain… but, who wouldn’t rather not be in pain? Do my priories mean that I have to settle on my friendships?

I don’t know… I just know I’m at a cross roads. And I also think I need to change something. But I’m not sure what, and I don’t know to what extent.

And I’m trying not to throw too much of a pity party about it, but I’m really trying to meditate on what I can truly do to either “fix” it or what perspective I need to change to shift it.

Thinking out loud today….

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my goal

June 26, 2015

I don’t want to change the world, start a revolution, or unlock the mystery to world peace. It’s not in me. Its not the touch I want on the world. None of these things drive me.

I want to be known as a good friend. A loyal friend. A fun friend. But most importantly, I want to be that friend that you can tell your dirty little secrets too, and laugh about it with together. I want to be the friend that makes you feel like you can kick off your shoes and prop up your feet. I want to be someone that others can chill with, be themselves with, and love themselves with. This is my pleasure in life.

I love hearing about a mishap, a goof, a “let me tell you how dumb I am” story – because they know they won’t be judged by unloading this story in my ear. We can laugh. we can learn. we can love. Someone that you can bounce the stupid questions, the irrational fears, the weird feelings you have towards people and ideas off of. Bounce off those things that make individuals feel awful, horrid, abnormal, and psycho. Hash out all these insecurities… maybe even shed some light on things, or just make you feel more comfortable with yourself despite all those things…. or make you feel normal because of all those things.

I want to be the friend that feels like no effort is given. That you feel like you’ve spent nothing to be around. That you don’t dread. That when I’m in need, you want to help, not because you owe it, but because your heart tugs you.

This is all I wish for myself in life. Just this small touch in other’s lives.

I just love being that person you can be yourself with. People are pretty awesome, but we sometimes miss that because we are so worried about keeping it together for everyone.

I don’t even want to be the friend that you miss so much when you’re not around, but the friend that when you see, realize you miss them. Have you ever done that? Gone about life, giving close to no thought about someone, but as soon as you see them your heart floods instantly – bubbles over because you adore and love this person?

I want this for my life. This is my goal.

friend confusion

June 12, 2015

I’ve had some come-to-jesus moments when it comes to my best friend in the last few weeks…. Let me start with the positives.

I LOVE this girl. She NEVER judges me. She knows all the scandalous and shameful things i’ve ever done. I like having that person I talk to several times a week. I like that all I really have to do is catch her up on the last 24 hours. It’s so easy. She gives me advice. She doesn’t hate me when I don’t take it. But I do sometimes and I never regret that. She lets me know when I’m being crazy and if I’m way off base or no longer living in reality. She lets me keep my hope if it doesn’t hurt anyone, but she grounds me as well when she knows she needs to. She just knows when I need one or the other. She cares about my feelings and feels my pain. Shares in my happiness. One of my favorite people on the planet. IN THE UNIVERSE AND BEYOND!

But lately…. I must admit I’m seeing all the warts and feeling the pain of her negative qualities. And they are overshadowing her good.

She sees no problem in manipulating me for the outcome she wants. Some times she doesn’t even recognize that she is doing it. She’ll twist the truth to satisfy me or talk me into things… even tho I’ll find out if I don’t already suspect. And should I really suspect she is lying about certain things… SHe’s clingy. REALLY clingy. Which is fine if she currently has a boyfriend… because her first choice (mine also) is to cling to him. But if there isn’t a ‘him’ then I get the pleasure.

And I love chilling out with her and spending time with her, but I NEED MY ALONE TIME. And she never needs it. She calls me on the way home from work and doesn’t mind showing up afterwork til bedtime… every day. I get tired. I need sleep. I absolutely do not function well with poor sleep habits for multiple days in a row. And she has no problem keeping me up past midnight every night. It wears me out. I have to tell her no just so I can get a free night to watch netflix, and go to bed early.

She throws me under the bus when she needs to, usually its with her mom or a boyfriend. She’ll expose to my flaws and my shameful choices (the ones that we should be keeping secret for each other because of the best friend code) to prove she is better than me… even if she has to flat out lie about it. Her mom HATES me because of the picture she paints of me to her mom to save her own ass. I don’t think I could EVER do that.

Recently I had a traumatic experience – I was sexually assaulted – and instead of comforting me like I expected from her she blamed the fact that I turned her down to an invitation to hang out. “If you would’ve hung out with me that wouldn’t have happened. And honestly it makes me feel bad that you won’t hang out with me.” I was cut to the core. Insult added to injury! I’ll have you know this particular week I hung out with her 4 out of 7 days. I don’t know that I can forgive her for this reaction. It’s something that looks awfully close to the last straw…. Who makes their friends traumatic experience about themselves? My mind was BLOWN!

But I can’t seem to give her up. I feel like I need her. And she was a rockstar for me thru my divorce. She made sure I was getting out there… that I wasn’t sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. She pulled me out and held me up. She gave me things in those terrible months that I didn’t even know I needed.

Maybe I just need to vent. I don’t know that I can ever be okay with her manipulation which treads awfully close to lying… and her putting me down to others when it behooves her. sigh… my heart is a little broken by her… and I want to forgive her, but do I need to start creating some distance… maybe place a few more boundaries up? Or just go on and love her despite herself? We all have flaws… these are just the ones I should look past? I need to meditate on this more. I’m sad that I’m even having to contemplate about her in this manner. I need some advice.

May has already exhausted me

May 8, 2015

my week thus far:

cinco de drinko. carne asada, tequila, salsa, and a fire pit. great night. Perfect weather. good friends.

cinco de hungover-o…. I never miss work because of a hangover. It’s one of those things that you do to yourself, so you man up and get your arse to work to at least appear like you are there. suffer the consequences like a man. But not this day. This day I truly suffered. I stayed in bed til 1pm… ate two pieces of bread by 4pm… then ordered pizza and devoured it. It happens.

almost running out of gas in a town I was lost in… talk about panic. I never plan this badly. I was a mess.

fighting with a best friend for two days… crying for 24 hours straight. would’ve been nice if the day i stayed home from work aligned with this 24 hours… but no… stars didn’t align anywhere this week to make that kind of sense.

my version of night and shining armor, being swept off my feet… drunken best friend stumbling into my apartment for a make-up hug. Good thing i was fully dressed and freshly showered, looking fabulous… wait… no, the stars didn’t align there either. I was actually just finishing a workout in my living room… sweat pouring from my very red face and seeping thru my gray t-shirt.

cuddle sesh please!

October 6, 2014

It sucks that the only way to get to the cuddle-on-the-couch-on-a-Friday-night phase can’t happen till you go through the dating scene and find someone that you like and likes you back mutually. Does that sound lame? Did you know that there are professional cuddlers out there?!?! Forget my counseling session! I should find a cuddler (with nice biceps)!

My mom and my best friend has awesome first dates yesterday. I listen to them and try to be as enthusiastic as a daughter and best friend should be when hearing how excited they are. Of course I’m jealous, but I am genuinely excited for them. Jealous and not jealous really… dates are so stressful to me. I don’t do well under stress. I don’t show who I am at all. I really stand no chance. I’m terrible at interviews too. I get tongue tied. My mind goes blank.

I feel more and more whole every day that i don’t have someone… And I love that! but damn, if i don’t want to just cuddle up on the couch! I have high hopes and I know one day it’ll happen.

Just the thought of the day…. that’s a lie… that’s a daily thought. 🙂 Anyway. That is all for now.

My best friend

September 23, 2014

Em is 27. She’s a serial dater. She goes immediately from one boyfriend to the next. She has a successful and fulfilling career. But she can’t handle not having attention 24/7. I don’t know if she realizes this. She knows “single Em” is clingy and desperate to share her time with whoever is willing. If I don’t set up boundaries while she is single she will basically be living with me, and i’d be getting dinner and drunk with her every night of the week. She just broke up with a boy.. and this is the first time she hasn’t had someone lined up and ready to dive in head first. She is the kind of dater that goes from zero to 90 in .25 seconds. She doesn’t know how to do the casual dating.

There’s something deeper going on here. Why is it so hard for her to be alone? Why does her sanity require so much attention? She asks me all the time – why do i feel this way? The truth is I have no idea. But i do know that until she is without someone for a while she will never figure out the deeper issue. She’s a great person. Smart, nerdy, and yet cool. She’s gorgeous. In my opinion she is the total package with a doctorate to boot. A catch! But she can’t get a handle on loving her own company. The attention she requires with never satisfy her. Getting the attention she wants will only make the need greater… and make the moments where she doesn’t have it more excruciating.  

My heart breaks for her and the moments that I know she has when she sits alone at her apartment ready to jump out of her own skin because she neeeeeeds someone to shower themselves on her. I wish I could wave a magic wand and give her peace.

I have had my moments like this, but they are always passing. If I sit still long enough it’ll pass. Or even something simple like a trip to the grocery store or a phone call to a friend or family member satisfies my need. I can’t imagine it staying too long. Because it is a hard emotion to have. Does she hate herself? Fear herself? Is it the age of 27 that makes a woman go a little bit batty with her internal clock ticking away the number of kids possible at this point? I don’t know. I just hope that Em will be single long enough to make peace with herself and with the quiet. She won’t. But that is my hope…