Posts Tagged ‘being whole’

a clean start

December 30, 2014

I think that my divorce had less to do with the obvious act of infidelity on his end and more to do with me and setting off on a new journey. wipe clean MY transgression (not his) and move along with a fresh start. Do it differently. Make it better from the inside out. Not any other way.

I know some would have issues with the verbiage here. Don’t get caught up in the divorce itself. It happened people. Lots of reason and lots of realities that couldn’t be resolved… But as I process and think through this on certain days… It’s about me. Not about him. or about the “us” that use to be.

This is an opportunity for me. And it feels fantastic. I’m coming to that point where I’m taking off the weights. I’m peeling back a few layers. and I’m feeling a little lighter.

I didn’t realize how complacent I had become as a person. Just in every day things. A conversation with a stranger. Using my mind. Thinking through the things I need to do rather than let someone else take care of everything. You don’t become a whole person after a long term relationship ending because you have to try super hard… you do it because you no longer have that other half. Its a necessity. You do not get a choice.

I want the next life of mine to take this whole me… and mesh it together with whoever and whatever comes in. I don’t want to become dull and unmotivated and un-involved! I want to be fully aware. Fully there. I didn’t realize how much this wasn’t true in my marriage. What a weird sense of clarity to come to terms with that.

I am fun. I am interesting. I’m witty! Where did that one come from!??! These are adjectives I wouldn’t have used when talking about me while in the marriage. I felt quite the opposite! Boring. Nagging. Non-adventurous. Not particularly anything. Just some shade of gray that sits in the corner. Oh how that is NOT who I am!

This girl that I am… woman… I love her more and more. And I want to share her! I want to be part of someone’s life. Whether it be friends, coworkers, or a lover. I feel like I have adjectives to offer.

That’s enough rambling for now 🙂

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