Posts Tagged ‘BDSM’

my current scene :-/

December 13, 2017

So… where am I in the bdsm scene?

My daddy/dom friggin eloped.

I’m sad mostly because I found out about this thru fucking facebook. Ugh!

I was hardly playing with him lately because of his current relationship. Him and his girlfriend opened up their relationship for him to have me (specifically just me) as a play partner as long as she knew as little as possible about when/where/details of it all. So basically he had to sneak around to make it happen… and he wasn’t good at it. And that was a hard role to play. I hated feeling like the other woman. HATED IT. So we weren’t playing very often. 😦

Then he eloped. And I’m pissed. He wants to continue, but I just don’t like this. It doesn’t feel good. And if it doesn’t feel good…. then, why do it?

So, how’s my bdsm life? Non fucking existent.

I did get back on fetlife… but there is no one impressive at all. I’ve chatted with one guy for a bit… and I MIGHT meet him now that daddy is out of the equation.

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The build up

June 9, 2017

I get on my knees and lower my chin. His text said he’d be here at 5:03… Just like him to be so precise… And you know what? It’ll be exactly 5:03. It’ 5:01 now.

2 minutes seems like an eternity. This longing comes from deep inside of me. It builds and builds something I can’t quite put into words.

Today has been on the calendar for weeks. I hate that I only see him once a month. But it’s how it must be…. Because of Her. I hate that there’s a her. Truth be told, there’s a him too. But… anyway.

I feel the ground under my knees. It gets harder every second. But I like it. It’s for him. He deserves it. It deserves all my sacrifice. All the pain. All the passion.

I wish I could see my phone. Has it been a minute yet? 2?

My body jolts when I hear a car door close. His car door. My chest is filling up. It’s going to explode!

Panic sets in for a second… Am I ready? Am I perfect? hair, braided. Clothes, off. Toys, cleaned. Room, ready for play time. Candles, lit. Yes, it’s perfect.

The door knob rattled matching her own nerves. I force myself to keep my chin and eyes down. Hands in lap. Chest bear save for the necklace he bought me last year on our 3 year anniversary.

The door opens. Slowly. Always slowly. He knows whats happening inside of me and he loves to exploit that. Jerk. Ugh… but I love it. I can’t wait to feel his hand on my chin. Permission to me to look into those beautiful endless eyes.

He takes his time, as usual. He slowly undresses. And stands over me. I don’t know how long this goes on. My body aches so badly for his touch. But I’d just give anything to just look up at him! But I dare not sneak a peak before permission is granted. It’s ok. It makes it better. And he knows it. Oh how he loves what he does to me. Can you imagine having power over someone without even touching them? It’s haunting.

“Baby girl.” He whispers… The huskiness in his voice makes it almost inaudible at that decibel… but I know exactly what he said. I hear it in my sleep sometimes. I wake up in tears when I realize he’s not holding me. But he’s here now.

Finally! I tremble as his hand guides my gaze up to his. It never ceases to amaze me how powerful this moment is after all these years. I couldn’t live knowing this moment would never happen again. This. Like gravity… a law of physics in my life. Always, with no exception pulling me in.

As I match his gaze he gets bigger and bigger. Maybe I do hold some power after all. He taps the side of my face with his growing cock. I follow the cue and devour it. I’m instantly wet. And he instantly snaps to full size. My insides want so much. The desire within me is growing in volume that it consumes my ears… Of course in reality all that is escaping from me are the quiet moans as I take him deep into my mouth. I grab both sides of his hips with my two hands. It came out a little more forceful than I expected it to. I steal a glance at his face to see if he noticed. He most definitely did! He leans down. With one even motion he cups my elbows and lifts me off my knees and throws me onto the bed.

I let out a giggle as a wicked grin appears on his face.

velcro

June 10, 2016

mike

He wants to be my daddy. And I’d love that. He would be a good one. I know he would be. One major catch tho. He works in Tokyo and travels a shit ton. I need some skin on skin time to know whether I can have him as my daddy on a permanent basis. Could I handle being collared by someone so far off?

panman

He wants to scene me. And that is all we would be. Play partners. Him and mommy are still together and seem to be doing good I guess. I wish they would just close off their relationship and he would stop tugging at me. I want to scene with him. I just know that it’ll be more drama than its worth. I don’t want mommy mad at me. panman wants me to be a permanent fixture in his life, but how can that work. Counter intuitive to this particular blog post, I’m completely monogamous when my heart is involved.

Trip

Some desperate guy that messages me randomly and I don’t know why. He says we should hang out but then never follows through. More of an annoyance actually. I think I’ll ghost him. I don’t normally do that, but he is so so random. I don’t understand how someone I don’t know at all will come at my beck and call… any time of day or night. Wish I could say I haven’t tested him on that… I don’t know him that well, but he’s handsome and nice and strong and has a good job and all this surface stuff that makes the desperation vibe feel out of place.

coach

This guy lives 2 hours away and works 1 hour away. He expects me to always do the leg work. “come see me.” Boy, please! I ain’t that desperate. Plus, if I go down there I KNOW that he’ll want me to pay for a hotel room because he lives with his brother and heaven forbid anyone know I exist. He thinks I’m an idiot. He’s the biggest mooch I’ve ever dealt with. I pretty much just keep saying no.

R

I don’t know why he isn’t jumping at me. He always says he wants to. And he never ever follows through. Normally he can’t. He works to much. But now he has fallen into a better position with more money and less hours and still… where is he? I’d love to try a relationship with him at some point. I just don’t know why he drags his feet. I suppose he could just be a huge liar. And say he wants wants wants us to happen but really could he just be too lazy or un-enthused to make it happen? I don’t get this one. I swear he says he wants me and loves me even. But I don’t know why there’s no follow through. Is he waiting on me? I feel it when we are together. Something good and solid could be here. I’m confused tho. Obviously my reading skills are off on this one. But surely that connection I feel isn’t fake. That would be hard to fabricate, right?

trey

Oh trey. Gah, you are growing on me. I haven’t seen him since Sunday and truth be told I kind of miss him.

stephen

What in the world are you doing messaging me. You live in Ohio. lol I don’t get it. Just boredom??

m

Why do you have to string me along. I had (have?) so much love for you. The what ifs… and maybe down the roads… are driving me insane. I wanted that with you… want? Last June I wouldn’t given ANYTHING to have it. And still you say let’s try in the future.

—-

I’m so jumbled up by mitch. I feel like I’m clinging and could cling to anything right now. I feel like Velcro. I could stick to anything. And things are sticking to me. And all that’s happening is I’m getting a little dirty. Sigh. My nerves feel shot. I feel all over the place. flailing. I’m sad. I just thought mitch was going to be it… now I’m in the muck again. And I’m allowing all of it to happen. I am letting myself become this girl. Some of it is fun, but mainly I’m just passing the time. I’m just covering up the hurt I feel. I’m using and being used. I know I am. I just… don’t know what else to do right now. Feels like I can’t help but go down this path…

food sex alcohol

June 6, 2016

I’m on self destruct mode. I need a handle on at least the food. R has agreed to help me with that. I always love when a Dom is going to take control for me in that department. I have no control. I still wear his marks. I’m beginning to think they are permanent.

The trickiest part of wearing his marks is maneuvering them around Trey. I’ve walked the edges of bdsm in our conversation. He knows I’m into something of the sorts. But he doesn’t know I’m an active participant right now. And even with all the honestly I’ve done I haven’t explicitly said that I might be having/had sex with someone else too.

I’m honest in the fact that I want to keep it casual while I’m living on Heartbreak avenue. But to be honest, I don’t know that I’d be interested if I wasn’t suffering right now.

He’s a great guy. He’s funny. He’s sweet. He actually makes enough money to support at least himself. He’s happy. He’s quick to compliment. I haven’t had this great of a combo in quite a while. QUITE!

Such a girl move to not be interested in the guy that would be perfect, huh?

Anyway, back to the self destruct topic. Just feeling out of control. Not sure what I need to reign it in. I guess there is a sort of cycle about the chaos… The next step in this cycle is some sort of simplification. Cut the extremities. But I’m just so sad and can get a little lonely. It’s hard to cut that off. I’m being incredibly selfish right now. Ugh. I hate when I have to go find my big girl panties.

the good kind of bruises

June 1, 2016

I

have

bruises

everywhere!

Feels like someone busted my lip. Please don’t even think about touching either earlobe. My neck feels like its been ripped apart with hands and teeth. Oh right… it was. When my thighs rub together as I walk I can feel the bite marks on both sides. My right quad is one big knot. And my ass… oh good lord.

I’m so exhausted today. It’s feels so good to bear these marks. When I have these pains and bruises I have a weird mix of wanting to show them off and terrified someone might notice one. How do you explain that one in a corporate environment. It’s not easy to list out all the physical and psychological reasons why I want this and enjoy this. I suppose saying “I’m a masochist” would suffice for most. At least it would make a few uncomfortable enough to stop prying. LOL.

And I just found another spot…. The back of my right arm. No teeth marks. Phew!! I told R I’d have to give him rules next time… nothing above the nipples. Ha. That’ll hold water.

it’s Tuesday!

May 31, 2016

Playdate playdate playdate!!!

used

May 30, 2016

There’s two kinds of being used in my world.

1.

When someone doesn’t see you as an individual. You are a body part. You are a female place holder. Anyone could fill this void. Not even a warm body is a requirement.

2.

When you are being used by someone who cares and appreciates you. They are using you in a dirty, degrading, fuck-toy way but they value that you let them do so. The using is going both ways. And really, you aren’t being used at all. It’s just an illusion. It’s kink. It’s sexual preference.

Don’t come at me if I could be replaced by any face or body or blow up toy. If you care then I will give you anything and everything. Nothing I wouldn’t be willing to do to make you happy. NOTHING. All you have to do is be inspired (by me) to want things. And I’ll be inspired (by you) to hand it to you.

This post is inspired by a guy I barely know. I get a few superficial messages from him a few times a week… I went on two dates with him before he left town for work. He asks for pics. There’s no effort in it. All taken for granted. He expects it. I hate that. Show me you care. Just a little. Ask me how my day was. How my week is. How my heart is.

I’m a slut in the fact that I love sex and the dirty kind and a lot of it. But not in a way that I’ll just break it off at your command with no forethought or care for me. Even my rebound neighbor has to try harder than that.

Truth is I’m feeling a bit disposable today. And that’s not a nice feeling. It’s not one that makes me feel like I have worth.

Self doubt, self love, and self worth have taken a nose dive. And I know… I’m just heartbroken. I’ll be okay.

Yeah, I crave company. I crave not being alone. But I don’t need anything that’ll make me feel more disposable and more broken. At least there’s still a shred of self worth enough to know I could make this worse.

broken

May 25, 2016

So… I’m having a hard time not covering up this pain by reaching out to someone else. Like, anyone else. I have been in communication with 5 other guys that have shown interest in me in the past… Why am I dumping all this complication on myself on top of all this heartache? Is it worth the tiny ego boost?

I’m standing on the sidelines in my mind screaming at myself to run in the other direction and yet I am completely ignoring it. I’ve already got a play date for next Tuesday with someone who is going to beat me and use the shit out of me until I can’t feel anything. I already have this set up! And it’s with someone that was (is) in love with me. How could I use someone this way? The only fair thing about all this is that I’ve told him everything. That I’m in pain and I’d like to convert that to physical pain. That I crave it. I need it’s centering effects. Worst part after him being in love with me is that me and this guy have a legitimate chance of actually being an incredible couple. We just haven’t had the timing workout in the past.

So how can I be so selfish and needy right now knowing all that? Yet… it’s on the calendar. Therefore it is.

I can’t wait. Can’t wait to be too exhausted to move. Can’t wait to feel so much that my feels shut down and I’m numb. When M broke my heart that’s what I wanted too. For someone to break my body other than my heart. And it worked. It was perfect. I invested in my kink.

Grasping at straws here. The pain is incredible and not in a good way right now. I just want to be broken. Taken to nothing so I can start my way back up to something stronger.

tucked in

May 3, 2016

he kissed me softly

he tied me up

he took a belt to me

he used me

he cuddled me

he tucked me in

he left

I slept like his baby girl

🙂

being his

April 29, 2016

Earlier this week I mentioned what a complete bitch I’ve been at work. I’ve let the guys make me angry. And I really let a lot of things bother me that don’t normally get to me.

Thinking about my ex and being pulled down the rejection memory lane. Being upset because I missed a few workouts that were out of my control… I mean super duper upset… just nothing rational about it. And on top of that mitch had been out of town all week interviewing for a job out of state. And that in itself carries with it a variety of emotions. I missed him terribly. I was nervous for him for the interview. I was scared he might actually get the job. I felt like a one woman cheering section for him to help ease his nerves. It was kind of a lot of work. Especially the missing him part. He originally planned on being back on Wednesday, so when he didn’t get in till 8:30 pm on Thursday it already had me a little off.

Meanwhile, mitch felt he tanked his interview. He was so down, and there is only so much you can say to a man that doesn’t feel good enough. It was heartbreaking to hear him talk about. He got to visit friends and family while he was out of town so that was good. But, also, he found out that his really good friend (who is was staying with for the week) is cheating on his wife and got dragged into the plot as an alibi. I could tell he was completely torn about loyalty to his friend and his own morals on the subject of fidelity. Then right before he got to my place he apparently had a phone call with his dad about the interview. The conversation only solidified his feelings of not being good enough. How do people not understand that the most important part about bouncing back from something like that is to encourage and build up. I just don’t see how a parent can be so harsh when their child is already so down. Why on earth would he have added insult to injury??

Before he walked into my apartment I had no idea about the phone call with his dad, but I did notice he was down. I chalked it up to maybe being tired after such a long day and a lot of driving. I even said what’s up with these half-assed kisses. Didn’t you miss me?? I could tell that hit him exactly like I needed it to to pull our connection back after being apart. I always need that. I need some intense affection to undo missing him. If he walked in and barely touched me and we went right to bed, I’d miss him even more while laying next to him. That’s how it went with andy… every weekend. It left me feeling so unfulfilled.

Anyway, as I said, he got my message. We cuddled and made out… for about 5 minutes before heading to the bedroom. THANK GOD! I hate missing someone that long and I needed me some intimacy to set me straight. Is anyone else like this? I don’t think anything short of sex would’ve done it.

But even earlier that day, I could tell I needed something even more than normal.

Before we hit the bedroom I already knew something was different. There was a different kind of need we both had.

Something I haven’t mentioned before about mitch. He is more than just into rough sex. He’s got some kink to him. Of course, we all know that delights the hell out of me. My submissive/masochist side is and forever will be there. He hasn’t had a whole lot of opportunity before me to put much of his sadist side to practice tho. Mostly (I think) he has just experimented with some bondage play. I could be wrong. But that is my understanding.

He took me as his so fully. I haven’t felt this with him before. Not on this level. It was amazing. He got heavier handed than normal and he was even more demanding and needy. He took everything he needed from me. It was so fulfilling. I knew that I’d be thinking about it all day today with each blow. One hit in particular… It was that one hit… it centered me all by itself. Every part of my body and brain reacted to it. What a release! And the rest of “the session” was just icing on the cake. I got to bathe in my subbie side and masochist side and it felt so so so good. It’s been tooooo long. Mitch hasn’t taken me to my limit yet, not even close. We are in the beginning of us. We’re still laying ground work and trying to find the edges. Last night he got a hint of how much more I could possibly handle.

Afterwards we talked about it a little. I like to do this as soon as it feels right… gauge his head space about it. He tells me about his dad’s phone call almost immediately. It made so much sense. I asked if he got out his aggression like he needed. He looked up at me as if a light bulb went off in his mind. Like, “oh, that IS what I was doing.” He so sincerely said, “Yes, yes, I did.” Sir T taught me this too. It’s more than just what you enjoy in bed… it’s an outlet to life’s stress. I loved this look he gave me. And I didn’t have to say anything else about it. I just said, “I needed it too.” And I just curled up on him being his.