Posts Tagged ‘anxiety’

me and m

July 20, 2017

About a month ago my concern over m’s alcoholism hit an all time high. He stopped trying. He stopped working. He just stopped. He had more and more nights where he called a second time to say goodnight forgetting entirely that he called to tell me goodnight AN HOUR AGO! And when we went out he was consuming drinks faster and faster. I can tell the difference between someone enjoying a craft beer and a person trying to pack in as much percentage of alcohol as possible as quickly as possible. Hello! I was raised by an alcoholic father. I can pick up and tune into all the little fucking signs. All of them. I know that when you call versus text you are drinking. I know that when you say you are doing laundry, you are drinking. I know that when you say you are meeting your father for lunch you are drinking. I know how to decode a lot of this. And I also know that no matter what I know, there is always so so so much more I’m unaware of. This part was the part that worried me more than anything.

So I asked him to meet me for brunch one day. We shared a quiche at a pizza place and I explained my concerns.

In August we planned on moving in together. So the urgency of the situation was closing in on me. How can I knowingly invite that into my living space on a daily basis?

He was floored. Apparently to him this came out of nowhere. I’ll explain later why this infuriates me. But to him: he was shocked and blindsided. He had no idea how much I knew about the situation. He never once denied any of it. He was EXTREMELY receptive. He listened. And listened. And cried. And listened some more. I had a lot of words. And they couldn’t have come out more perfectly. I would never claim to be an articulate human being just like I could never claim to be a good driver. I just simply am not those things. But for some reason by whatever higher power you believe in I said everything just as I needed to say it.

It landed perfectly. At the end of this….. intervention (for lack of a better word) I told him that I needed a break. This worry and stress had climbed to a level that I needed to take a step back from. Obviously, me thinking that I could break from the stress just by breaking from him is just not how it actually works in my female brain. It’s always interesting to me the things I’m able to compartmentalize and all the things I simply cannot.

Over the next 3 weeks he sprung into clean up mode. He connected with friends he hadn’t connected with in a long time. I was concerned over the bitterness in which he spoke about his so-called friends. Something that I still don’t quite understand. But he dug in and he is actively cultivating and nurturing those friendships and new ones. I’m so damn proud of this. Like I said, I don’t understand why this is something he put on hold.

He also got a therapist. For his depression and anxiety. Part of him falling off the wagon was him getting off his anti-depressants… I know he hates the side effects, but he so desperately needs this. But at least he started the process of getting help. So he has been to exactly 1 session. We’ll see how this goes.

He started going to the gym every day. This is always something he says he is going to do. Something that he wants to do. But during our talk I spoke about howbad his follow through is. I can’t rely on him for anything he says he’ll do. He’s not a follow-through-er. And this was one area in his life that was the most obvious that he just wouldn’t follow through. So he is a regular gymmer now. I say that, 3 weeks in and he’s hitting 4 days a week. We’ll see how this goes.

He bought a kayak. He’s been talking about this for a long time. He did it. And not only did he do it he got his kayak on the lake for a solo ride. And then on top of that has gone out with his friends! The friendships that he had previously been denying. I would’ve put money on these things never happening. As in literally never.

He said the words out loud. He looked into my eyes and said “I am an alcoholic”. I had tears in my eyes instantly. Of course, he said it over a glass of wine, but he fucking said it. Holy shit. He doesn’t feel like he needs to stop drinking. He thinks that he needs to stop drinking when he’s bored or sad. Those are his “self medicating” rules/boundaries that he’s put on himself. I need him in AA. I need him 100% dry. But he isn’t there yet. Maybe… MAYBE… he can just restrict…. But…. This is text book addict verbiage. Maybe he’ll slowly crawl out of denial. I can only hope.

So, here he is… with his laundry list of things he is working on to becoming a better human. But here I am…. I’m completely underwhelmed at his strides. Why? Well, remember when I said I had something to talk about that infuriated me? Back in December when we were discussing getting back together we talked about all these things.

The drinking, the coping, the bettering himself, the gym, the attitude, the depression, the pills… We spoke about all these things. He spoke of them so clearly. He made this list himself. All the things that had to be different in his life if me and him were going to work. So… how long did all that last? A few months. He tried a solid 2 months before I started to see and feel the slipping. Me and him connect so well when he is working on things. He’s so open with me. He talks about all his shit. All of it. But when he starts slipping in one area it all unravels… this includes our connection.

Our connection is still severed. Because the break. I am perpetuating this disconnect. Why? Because I can’t trust any of this to be something that sticks forever. Backsliding to me is inevitable. I absolutely hate that I think this. I absolutely hate that I don’t think he could possibly keep this up. What a shitty girlfriend. But I’ve been hurt and burned at this before. I am so so hurt. But no matter how hurt I feel I am even more scared.

So when he says this whole thing blindsided him? FUCK YOU! This is something we both cared so deeply about in the past. This is why I could even consider getting back with him. This. None of it is new. None of this can ever be OUT OF THE BLUE. This is our shit. Our constant shit.

He has such strong demons that he wrestles with daily. And I feel so awful that I can no longer stand at his side while he battles. I am so damn conflicted.

But here’s what I know. I need someone that follows through. I need someone that I don’t have to constantly monitor and mother. I don’t want to be the nagging partner in life always asking “are you drinking?” I don’t want to play this role. I deserve other things, right? Deserve… I don’t know. Maybe I don’t’ deserve more, but I do know that I need someone I can rely on. And I can’t rely on him.

I’m struggling with this decision. I need to let go. I need to let him work on this apart from me. And I need him to become a better person because that is what he wants to do for himself not to save our relationship. Because he had me and our relationship. And it wasn’t enough.

I hope he keeps it up. I want him to succeed. But my fear about the possibility may be something I can’t possibly get passed.

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lucky gal

March 2, 2017

Things with M are going really well. We even made our relationship facebook official. WHAT!??! Yes, you read that right. Lol… We live in a strange era, don’t we? I’ve only been fb official with Andy since my divorce.

He fights his demons daily. He has so much going on in that head of his. He has depression. It’s genetic. His mom… He always looks at her and it makes him feel even worse because he knows there’s not an end to it. It’s still her demon. It’ll be his too still in 20 years. It just is. I hate this for him. He tries so hard. But depression and anxiety have been a cause of so many of our issues. The first time around and now… but more because the baggage we created the last go around.

For instance, he broke up with me before saying that he was in so so deep into the depression that he didn’t want to take me down too. I deserved more. He walked away. So anytime this comes up now… any bad moment I see rearing it’s ugly head I am terrified he will make this same decision. I no longer feel like I’m just waiting for the end. I know he is working. Fighting to live a normal life and love me through it. But in those bad moments when I can’t see, touch, or hold him I hear that ghost of our past tapping on my brain. I brace myself. But I know he’s working on it. I am gaining more and more faith and trust that this won’t be what ends us. But… baggage is a bitch.

He’s so good at surprises and gifts. He’s so good with physcial contact. He’s so good with the words he gives me. I feel so so lucky. He is so wrapped around me its incredible. I’ve never had someone that needed me on this level. It’s one of those things I always thought was unhealthy, but this doesn’t feel unhealthy. It feels like a partnership. A true partnership with two sides equally leaning on each other. I love that.

I’m so happy to commit to him. And that’s not something that comes easy. I was definitely there with mitch too, but everyone else… that commitment is hard to jump into. I’m such a damn flirt and so addicted to attention. But this man… He gives me all of his attention and everything else in his being.

Feels good. 🙂

arrggg!!!

August 24, 2016

I really feel like we should be able to buy and take anti-anxiety pills like we take Tylenol. As needed.

I’m having an anxious-filled day and can’t seem to come down. Stress from no particular direction.

I do get pre-travel anxiety and I leave on Friday. But I didn’t know I was worried at all about the trip til today. It lit a small fire. I just bought $70 worth of stuff off amazon to hike and travel with. Did I need that stuff?? Uh… probably could’ve figured it out without it. IDK.

  • I bought individual instant coffee packets JUST IN CASE I can’t get my caffeine fix. Can’t have that caffeine headache on vacation.
  • HAD to buy a leak proof water bottle, because a normal 16 oz Ozarka water won’t do. Normally I’d just take an empty bottle (or buy one at a convenient store) and just refill it for the weekend. Yeah, I’m super cheap. I like to consider it low maintenance… Anyone buyin’ that?
  • A new backpack because… I NEED something waterproof. I mean WHAT IF?!?!
  • I’m not only packing my new hiking sandals that I bought specifically for this trip, but also my closed toe trusty hikers… Okay, maybe that is a smart decision.
  • I got new sunglasses because… um… I needed to buy a pair that had “athletic” in the title. And especially made for smaller adult faces… because… the ones I wear in the car couldn’t possibly keep up with the me that hikes on the trails.
  • I stopped myself from buying a huge first aid kit and something to purify water. Seriously, the girls I’m going with probably won’t want to even think about a hike longer than 2 hours. The prissiest adventure tom boys you’ll ever meet. There’s a reason we have been such good friends for so long!

Whatever… at least my discover cash back paid for it all in full… 🙂

Anyway, I could totes use a chill pill today.

moving on and making changes

July 7, 2016

I’m going to the shooting range tonight. I hate that I’m emotional over something that is suppose to be FUN!

One of my really good guy friends is going with me. He doesn’t do the gun like I don’t. Should be an experience for both of us.

I’m glad I’m doing it instead of losing my money over it. I feel like this is a step towards closure over mitch. Silly, but I really felt I had to do this and not let him get in the way of this experience for me.

I’ve thought about calling mitch. But… not sure why. What would I accomplish? Probably could only do more harm than anything. Is there closure to be had? That would be awesome. But I don’t think that exists here.

I hate being so emotional. I hate being so dissatisfied in life. Hate feeling so… so… unhappy and unsettled… and like I’m in limbo for something. What am I waiting on? To get over mitch? To like my job? To what?

But I finally reached a point in my complaining and dissatisfaction where I’ve started taking action. I have finished my resume. It’s time to start job searching. I’m looking forward to the search. I know that it won’t be easy, but the fact that I’m doing something to change this is definitely a positive over all this negative I feel. Feeling productive is my all time happy place.

I also met with my business consultant about the market research on my idea. All things positive on that front for sure. But this is going to be a long haul process of doing it right. My business plan has to be solid. And as of this far I have no numbers on paper. What a daunting task. I’ll get there tho. I’m not in a hurry here and that feels good. Feels like I’m in control.

SIGH.

Okay… wish me luck on the shooting range this afternoon!

velcro

June 10, 2016

mike

He wants to be my daddy. And I’d love that. He would be a good one. I know he would be. One major catch tho. He works in Tokyo and travels a shit ton. I need some skin on skin time to know whether I can have him as my daddy on a permanent basis. Could I handle being collared by someone so far off?

panman

He wants to scene me. And that is all we would be. Play partners. Him and mommy are still together and seem to be doing good I guess. I wish they would just close off their relationship and he would stop tugging at me. I want to scene with him. I just know that it’ll be more drama than its worth. I don’t want mommy mad at me. panman wants me to be a permanent fixture in his life, but how can that work. Counter intuitive to this particular blog post, I’m completely monogamous when my heart is involved.

Trip

Some desperate guy that messages me randomly and I don’t know why. He says we should hang out but then never follows through. More of an annoyance actually. I think I’ll ghost him. I don’t normally do that, but he is so so random. I don’t understand how someone I don’t know at all will come at my beck and call… any time of day or night. Wish I could say I haven’t tested him on that… I don’t know him that well, but he’s handsome and nice and strong and has a good job and all this surface stuff that makes the desperation vibe feel out of place.

coach

This guy lives 2 hours away and works 1 hour away. He expects me to always do the leg work. “come see me.” Boy, please! I ain’t that desperate. Plus, if I go down there I KNOW that he’ll want me to pay for a hotel room because he lives with his brother and heaven forbid anyone know I exist. He thinks I’m an idiot. He’s the biggest mooch I’ve ever dealt with. I pretty much just keep saying no.

R

I don’t know why he isn’t jumping at me. He always says he wants to. And he never ever follows through. Normally he can’t. He works to much. But now he has fallen into a better position with more money and less hours and still… where is he? I’d love to try a relationship with him at some point. I just don’t know why he drags his feet. I suppose he could just be a huge liar. And say he wants wants wants us to happen but really could he just be too lazy or un-enthused to make it happen? I don’t get this one. I swear he says he wants me and loves me even. But I don’t know why there’s no follow through. Is he waiting on me? I feel it when we are together. Something good and solid could be here. I’m confused tho. Obviously my reading skills are off on this one. But surely that connection I feel isn’t fake. That would be hard to fabricate, right?

trey

Oh trey. Gah, you are growing on me. I haven’t seen him since Sunday and truth be told I kind of miss him.

stephen

What in the world are you doing messaging me. You live in Ohio. lol I don’t get it. Just boredom??

m

Why do you have to string me along. I had (have?) so much love for you. The what ifs… and maybe down the roads… are driving me insane. I wanted that with you… want? Last June I wouldn’t given ANYTHING to have it. And still you say let’s try in the future.

—-

I’m so jumbled up by mitch. I feel like I’m clinging and could cling to anything right now. I feel like Velcro. I could stick to anything. And things are sticking to me. And all that’s happening is I’m getting a little dirty. Sigh. My nerves feel shot. I feel all over the place. flailing. I’m sad. I just thought mitch was going to be it… now I’m in the muck again. And I’m allowing all of it to happen. I am letting myself become this girl. Some of it is fun, but mainly I’m just passing the time. I’m just covering up the hurt I feel. I’m using and being used. I know I am. I just… don’t know what else to do right now. Feels like I can’t help but go down this path…

this week

February 14, 2016

I got into a wreck this week. I rear ended a Sante Fe in stop and go traffic. My car is smashed. My seatbelt and airbag did their thing tho. I’m only suffering from a stiff neck and a few bruises from the seatbelt.

What a weird moment. The impact. It’s so disorienting. I sat there for I don’t know how long. Trying to will the tears away. I couldn’t. They continued for 4 hours. I wasn’t crying because of pain or anger or sadness. I just couldn’t lock it down. I guess the shock of the moment just needed to spill out of me. I let it.

I’m happy no one was hurt. I’m happy the car in front of me appeared to have zero damage. I’m just not happy that my car was probably totaled. I was so enjoying that being paid off. My rental is nice enough. My insurance guy is a rockstar. I’m fighting the citation for following too closely thanks to my lawyer daddy (this was his idea, not mine – I know legally it was my fault). We’ll see if anything comes of that.

I guess I’m stressed. I’ve spent every night since either having nightmares or tossing and turning. No sleep for me tonight yet. My Valentine is snoozing away in the other room. My dog is snoozing less than a foot from me on the couch. And I’m kind of getting hungry… I have a candy bar in my purse that I won at a baby shower earlier today that I’d probably hate myself for sometime in the near future.

Besides the wreck I’ve had a really good couple of weeks. I got to spend time with my sister and her kids. I can’t decide if it makes me want kids now or want kids never. I’ve joined a new gym that I’ve been staying consistent with. I feel good about me and my body. Eating well consistently. Feels good. Now if I could just sleep…

for the next few days…

January 29, 2016

It’s Friday! Woot!

I am going to work on relaxation this weekend.

Of course not without being super productive too. Feeling productive is my happy place. But I seriously need to get a handle on my anxiety so I think I’ll try….

An extra cardio sesh – sweat therapy!

Bubble bath – cuz… bubbles.

A living room blanket and bar stool fort with an essential oil diffuser with lavender – a friend told me to try it AND she is letting me barrow it so why not. and the blanket tent? cuz… idk.. but I’ll make it an adult fort because I’m also going to be doing my taxes. Life is all about balance, right?

Yoga – meditative yoga. Because that just sounds right.

lots of water

no binge eating

movies movies movies! probably in the blanket fort.

nothing to see here

January 28, 2016

This is far and above not an interesting topic to read upon. just move along. It’s boring. A long fucking rant that only has to do with me, myself, and I. Seriously, stop.

Okay, fine. But I warned you.

About a year ago I started taking a medication for my migraines. At the time I thought it was the best thing since sliced bread. It worked damn near 100%. My prayers were answered. There were a few side effects… but they seemed to subside a few weeks in.

Fast forward 6 months and I already had to up my dose due to my tolerance build up. This was a fast red flag. My doctor doubled the dose. DOUBLED? I thought… this could be a terrible trend. But he’s the doctor… I went with it. And every day I’m breathing I will always prefer not to have a migraine.

Fast forward 6 more months and my anxiety is through the roof. I can’t sleep. Still no migraines (thank god. knock on wood.) but my blood pressure shot up! And now I’m worried about my heart stopping… which in case you couldn’t guess just makes the anxiety and blood pressure worse.

The worst symptom is this insomnia. This increases my appetite and in doing so, my weight. Which makes me resent myself which increases my anxiety and blood pressure even more! all kinds of vicious cycles developing here.

So I get on the ole interwebs and research how the fuck I’m going to wean myself. Turns out that all the symptoms I am experiencing are symptoms of withdrawal. WHAT.

:\

Which means, my body needs an increased dose just for me to be sane! I’m withdrawing and I haven’t even stopped yet!

Then I read that it could take up to 6 months to have all the withdrawals hammered out.

What have I done to myself?!

big ball of anxiety

November 20, 2015

Just like last month my PMS came in the form of anxiety. I’m normally a pretty tense person, but the levels of anxiousness this week have been unreal. It’s so strange to me. I swear my body hates me more and more for not having a kid already. GEEZE! My internal clock is insanely loud these days.

Earlier this week I went 24 hours without hearing from Andy. Since september 26th I haven’t gone more than 12 hours without a word from him. All I could do was invision him in a ditch with his truck laying on top of him. I was a nut case!

When in reality the way our schedules line up (or don’t line up) and the fact that his phone decided to stop working it just didn’t work out that he could get ahold of me. I was thinking about contacting his family and friends and worrying the world because I hadn’t heard from him. I just all out crazy panicked. I’m thankful that I talked myself down from that ledge tho. I haven’t met most of his people yet and that would NOT have been a good first impression. I was beside myself tho. It was terrible!

If there was ever question on if I cared about him, this cleared it up! When he finally was able to communicate with me via someone else’s phone I had already worked myself up so much that I had to cry any way. It was just too much. I had to let it spill over. I blame this sort of release on Sir, he tapped into my emotions in a way that makes me very in touch with them. It’s like he bridged a gap I was missing. So when I feel it, I can’t hold it in if I tried. I went to the bathroom to ball my eyes out at work after I hung up with Andy. I just also wish that in that moment I had someone to collapse into. That would’ve have made it more complete.

I can’t wait to hug Andy today. Friday’s are not just the end of my work week now, but the day I get to see him after being apart all week. I just cannot wait to have him hold me. There’s zero chance of me escaping this weekend without anothter tearful breakdown. It’s new to not see it as weakness but as strength to let the tears flow and the emotions release. Somehow it’s empowering. One of the many lessons Sir gave me.

On top of that my estranged uncle got run over by a car… RUN OVER BY A DAMN CAR. As in, it rolled on top of him. And that vehicle also happened to be pulling a trailer. So first the car ROLLED over him then the trailer. INSANE. He is alive but badly banged up. Three out of four limbs were effected. I’ve been helping him with errands and getting things in order for him. It was so taxing. I feel awful complaining about helping him while he is so injured while I’m young, healthy, and able. But this man, he is so hard to deal with. I haven’t talked to him in years. It drained me. I. Am. Spent.

 

tetris

October 30, 2015

Normally there’s a few days of hormonal catastrophe in my brain and body every month. Usually it manifests itself in a few ways, but always the same order. A day of a manic high and a day or two of deep sadness and disconnectedness. Everything in life sucks and should be changed. IMMEDIATELY. These are the days I cry in my cube and all my male co-workers are cringing and wondering what to do. I have written on my calendar before (because I can predict which day will be the worst – thank you 28 day oral contraceptive) to not make any decisions on this day. Just don’t. Because I would change everything. Job, living situation, relationships with people. This is the only time I argue with co-workers too… unwarranted… well, slightly warranted. I still need SOME provocation.

Anyway… this month I am too high on life to dip into something sad. Instead it manifested in anxiety. I had to calm my nerves about EVERYTHING. My schedule. My exercise routines. My diet. My lack of diet. My bank account. I had things planned for every day this week. I usually do this. And I like it this way. I’ll go out with friends. I’ll spend a little here. a little there. This is routine. I live fine this way. Basically, this is no different from normal. But I freaked out about how I was spending SO MUCH. AND EATING TOO MUCH. AND OMG I NEED A WORKOUT! And isn’t it time to put in a 60 day notice if I need to find a new place if I can’t secure the same rate for rent? I knew that come January my rent was going up by $200. This was FOR SURE a stress point. I hated the thought of moving. But I HATED the thought of spending SO MUCH MONEY ON MY RENT!

Tuesday: I got a great workout in. I decided last week I was going to start a new Strength training routine and some HIIT on the treadmill. And it was a fantastic workout. Kicked some serious ass. (still anxious) Then I showered and met up with my good friend for our annual haunted houses together. We met for drinks (ugh calories) first and he said, “Hey, I forgot I owe you some cash for that event you paid for last month.” OH YEAH! So not only did he buy my drinks, he bought me my haunted house entry fees for the night. SCORE! (still anxious)

Wednesday: I went home to cook up some lunch because a) fewer calories that way. b) less money that way. I came home to a note on my door that was offering a Thanksgiving special on my rent. If I re-upped my lease by November 15 I could secure my current rate. HALLELUJAH! (way less anxious!!!)

Thursday: I have a friend that I ALWAYS see scary movies with. And specifically we have watched every single paranormal activity together in theater. So naturally, we HAD to see the fourth one. Tradition is to get food and beer before hand. She can’t handle the scary without the beer. So I’m still anxious about eating too much, and drinking my calories, and paying for the whole night. She ended up inviting her new boyfriend…. who apparently wants to be her sugar daddy. Ha. Congrats to her, right? Anyway. She asked if I wanted to split a meal. YES! (half the calories, big big fan) A N D her boyfriend picked up the check!

After all that all I paid for all week was 1 movie ticket. I literally swiped my debit card once this week. Anxiety GONE! Everything felt all lined up this week. I like to think I work my calendar like Tetris. It’s probably some weird control issue I have. But also, we have a God that likes to play Tetris too. Sometimes things just line up so dang perfectly!

Happy Friday, all!