Posts Tagged ‘anger’

my bc hunt

June 23, 2017

So… I’ve spent the last year on a hunt for the perfect birth control pill. I was tired of my crazy pms getting worse and worse and worse. It’s awful! It WAS awful.

My PMS was hitting in all sorts of ways. Some months it would be absolute irritation. I couldn’t even stand myself! Some months it was anger and bitterness. Some months it was deeeeeep dark depression. SO SO SO much sadness. Then other months is was anxiety. Oh my lord, everything made me so anxious.

I talked to my lady doc about this and she said we can try them all! I was so so grateful. I didn’t even know this was an option. I thought if I was on BC then I was going to have to just suffer.

After 4 different BCs in about 8 months I FOUND IT! I still get PMS but GUESS WHAT?! My only PMS symptom is missing everyone! And I mean EVERYONE. And in such a loving reminiscing way! It’s crazy. Lol. But I love it. I’ll trade anxiety for this any day!

Sigh… so I’m sitting here thinking about people. Not hating anyone or myself. Not annoyed. Just missing folks.

Happy Friday all!

P.S. It’s Lo Loestrin! Seriously, ask your doc about it. I’m not even getting paid for this. 🙂

rejection

April 28, 2016

I’ve only experienced heartbreak by rejection once in my lifetime. I don’t think I’ll ever not be able to conjure up that feeling whenever I think about it. It hurts. It lingers. It reappears. It kind of taps on the middle of your skull till you are pissed off.

I absolutely, positively have moved on.. like, to infinity and beyond, but damned if I can still feel rejections when I recall the memories.

There’s this spot in my forearms that get this weird feeling. It’s the feeling your stomach gets when you go to fast over a hill. That stomach drop feeling you get when you look down from a cliff or when you are dropping in a steep slope on a roller coaster. It’s so strange. And I have only ever felt that when I was heartbroken by rejection. And I only ever feel it when I’m dwelling on the memory.

It makes me as sad and broken as when it originally happened.

I can’t get over the fact that no matter what “moving on” looks like to me in my life, this will always get to me. Brokenness followed quickly by anger then followed even quicker by self doubt. It’s INSANE!

I was rejected. I was rejected by a boy. I was rejected by a boy that couldn’t even accept himself and yet it still cuts so deep and true. Even the memories cut deep. Like they just happened… every time.

I’ve been thinking about it today because the boy that did this to me announced he is moving away. And while this news doesn’t effect me so much, I just couldn’t help but go through this cycle once again.

Rejected
Broken
Anger
Self doubt

I can’t help but wonder what the point is in re-living this every time. I don’t get it. No matter how displaced or happy I am I have to go through this cycle. I’m aware at this point it doesn’t have much to do with him at all. It’s that feeling. That unique feeling of being rejected. That tingle in my forearms. It’s as if my body needs to feel it. But why?

pity party

December 16, 2015

We had our Christmas luncheon today for work. They try to make it fun for us. They always have a skit or a talent show or something planned. Always a fun time. Usually I’m part of the entertainment. This year I wasn’t asked. And I didn’t think much about it. Was happy I wouldn’t have to practice for something and experience soooooo many nerves the day of.

So I head to the lunch. I car pool with a few of the guys on my team. Turns out that they did have a skit planned… and a few songs performed.

It was a Family Feud skit. How fun, right?! WRONG. BIG FAT WRONG. It would’ve been hilarious. Okay, I did enjoy most of it, but my ex-husband was in the skit. Ugh. Great. I can deal. We get along. Just hate his presence being thrown in my face all the damn time.

Like, when I get on facebook. I’ve taken great care to make sure he doesn’t pop up on my feed. On any social media for that matter. But when I get on facebook or snapchat and I see my little brother (who currently lives in my old house with my ex husband and ex dog) post pics of my old fire place with my dog it hits me really really hard. My little brother IS ON A DAMN CHRISTMAS CARD with my ex and his friends this year. So so so sensitive is my family towards me, right? I FUCKING HATE IT.

Anyway, the ex exits the stage. Raffle drawing. Christmas cake. Yada yada yada. “And two beautiful ladies have prepared a song to sing for us.”

This is the sort of situation that a flask was created for… Or you know that pill that people get embedded under the skin between their index finger and thumb with a poisonous pill that kills you instantly…?

Who gets up? My ex husband’s ex mistress. And singing about Mary and baby Jesus no less!

To round out the wonderful day I had I come home to a message from my family saying we aren’t doing our Christmas thing til the 26th… and that we can’t crash with them at all… I’ll have to get a hotel and I can’t bring my pup. Thanks for the full 10 days notice. Original plan? Wee were all bunking at my brothers on Christmas eve after a Christmas eve service together. We were going to play cards and drink eggnog.  I was taking my pup, and we were all going to wake up and open gifts and drink coffee. It’s tradition.

I’m pissed at my brother for changing plans. And I cry when I’m mad. So I’m going to bed with tear filled eyes, and puffy cheeks from wiping tears away. And inviting my pillow to join me. Rational or not, I’m indulging in this pity party. HMPH!

Moving day

May 4, 2015

“Is it okay if I move in with Jeff?”

“Um… Jeff? My ex, Jeff?”

“Yeah. Just wanted to check with you. I already asked him. He’s cool with it.”

“Um…”

“I don’t have money. I plan on getting a job after graduation. But right now I can’t afford an apartment. And all my fraternity brothers are headed out of town for the summer. No one is sticking around for me to room with.”

“I mean…. If you have no other option. I kind of hate that. It hurts my feelings. I understand the practicality of it all. I’m a rational person, but could you keep looking for other options?”

“Well, if it hurts your feelings then I’ll make something else work.”

“Thanks, bro. I appreciate it.”

2 months later…

“Hey, sis. I need some man power today. Think you could help me move?”

“Are you serious? I can do it. But would like you to be mindful about requests like that in the future. It’s not easy moving my brother to my old house. With my ex.”

“WOW. Sorry that was really inconsiderate of me.”

Sigh… “Just think about it in the future. I’ll be there in an hour.”

IS HE KIDDING AT ALL! NOT AT ALL! What from that first conversation makes him ‘not even think about that’. Do I NOT look human? Do I look like a robot with no feelings? Because that is my only explaination for being so disregarded. BY MY OWN FAMILY!

I really, truly don’t feel like a push over. I just really wanted to be able to help him. But… I don’t know. I’m constantly conflicted when it comes to my family and their current relationship with my ex. But what can I do if that is what they choose? I can only say so much. I don’t think a little consideration from a sibling/parent is too much to ask. I really really don’t.

I didn’t have any other plans that day. I happen to have gotten all my chores out of the way that particular Sunday. It kind of worked out perfectly… except for his new address. I wanted to be able to help him. To be a good sister about it… I’m nice like that. “Nice.” It’s almost a bad word these days, right? Can’t be nice if you are looking out for yourself? I like nice. I like being nice. I like the fact that people know they can count on me. I won’t stop doing that because somewhere along the lines someone takes advantage of me without even realizing it.

He thinks it is temporary… He said he only needed a place to be for a month, but even if he got a job today he wouldn’t have his first paycheck for another 4 weeks. And I doubt his first paycheck will be enough to cover the first month of rent and all deposits… He’ll be there all summer and beyond… watch. I’m calling it now.

It’s actually a funny situation… if you aren’t me.

At least it was a good workout. Lots of sweating on a beautiful day. I like feeling productive. <– how’s that for silver lining.

another dating disaster

November 18, 2014

Welp, I’m trying.

Met up with a guy I have seen a few times. It was his birthday and he was watching Sunday football at a restaurant/bar with a few friends. I wasn’t going to stay long, but it was his birthday and he asked me to come. When I sit I immediately get the feeling that his friends are not quite his friends. In their defense, this guy was being obnoxiously loud. He had been here drinking beer for the last 2 or 4 hours…. I wasn’t quite sure. His volume was even embarrassing me! And I’ve only hung out with him enough to think i wanted to continue to see where this goes.

I have 2 beers. I feel good about two beers. I had a huge lunch and wasn’t feeling it in the least. It’s 7:30pm… not too late. I think i’m about to leave for a few reasons. 1) Let him hang with his “friends” on his birthday. They were talking about going out afterwards and i didn’t want to be what stood in his way if he wanted. 2) I have to be at work early in the morning so its not an option in my mind. He talks me into one more beer… bribed me with my favorite… which i don’t even remember telling him. How thoughtful.

I finish that up, lean over, and tell him I’m heading out. He insists on coming with me. “Ok.” I never invited him, but it’s kind of nice that he wants to hang out longer. Its 8:00 pm… I can kick him out at 10pm and still get plenty of sleep. We walk out together. I ask if he is good to drive…. against my better  judgement he got behind his wheel. I told him I needed gas first but that I’ll be right behind him. I get gas. I get home. I take my dog out. I pick up a little. I return a phone call to my mom from earlier. I’m started to worry. He should’ve beat me here. I call him with no answer. Panic is rising and I’m cursing myself for letting him drive.

45 minutes later he calls. Relief sweeps over me. “Can i still come over? I’m on my way.” At this point its almost 9pm… and I’m less excited about him coming over. It’s starting to be unsettling… not to mention how much worry I just went through. So, okay, he’s coming now…. so I wait. and I wait. and I wait. I start to worry again! I call him. No answer. I call a friend for a few reasons. 1) to pass the time and 2) to talk me off this cliff of panic that I’m inching towards…. but there’s a hint of something else settling in as well… is that anger??? Why yes! It is! Where the f*** is he?! If he didn’t want to come over he didn’t have to! I didn’t even ask him!

At 10pm, 2 hours since we left the bar, I text him to tell him not to bother coming. “Text to tell me that everything is okay but I’m headed to bed.” He calls immediately. “I’m lost. I just got mugged. I don’t know where I am.” I ask him what’s the last thing he remembers, but before I can finish he knows where he is…. I find out he still has his car… he says he’s been beaten with a tire iron after pulling over to help a guy with a flat tire…. I wish I could tell you my first reaction was to find out he was ok… but all i can think is BULL SHIT!

“Beaten and left for dead” with your car… and your phone… and you sound fine… is this guy for real? And you what? “Can I still come over?” um………… seriously?

He can’t believe that I don’t believe him. I tell him to just call me tomorrow. We can talk when he is sober. He says okay, he sounds mad and hangs up. He calls back a few more times. Each time I tell him to stop calling and we can talk tomorrow. I finally stop answering the phone. I can’t turn my phone off because I’m on-call for work. But he calls 6 mores times between the hours of 11 and 2:30am. He leaves me 4 voice mails and each one he gets more and more drunk. I can barely make out the last one. In the first one, I can tell he is still driving… and its 12:20 am. He says something about going out… and turning around. In another one I can tell he is out at a bar. In the very last one I’m pretty sure I hear a drunken “I love you” which I can’t help but roll my eyes.

I don’t know about you but if i just got beaten up on the side of the highway i wouldn’t be worried about either a guy I just started dating or going out to a bar…

The next day he calls and apologizes. Wants to “make it up to me” but I don’t know that i’m invested enough to deal… was this truly a stupid drunken string of bad decisions? because I’m more inclined to believe half of it was BS. 100% made up! I don’t know him well enough to know whether this is a normal thing for him or not! Only parts of his story change… like instead of a tire iron he was kicked. He never mentioned the pulling over to help a car again… he just says “I was drunk, I got lost, you got mad” that’s his story. He tries to tell me he went home after the mugging, but the voice mails say different so he has to concede that one. On top of all that he tries to blame MY trust issues for making all this a big deal. Maybe so, but if you can’t trust your gut what can you trust?

It’s a shame tho… I was really liking him. oh well…

defaulting to happy

September 5, 2014

I truly believed I’d never see my peppy self again. I thought that the bitterness and anger I went through changed me forever. I’ve been walking through life for the last year in a terribly sad state. That had become my default. But the last few weeks, for no reason at all, I’m smiling. Walking to my car smiling. Sitting at my desk content with life. There’s no guy, there’s no new fun life event going on… its just me. I’ve never been so okay with me. I mean, I can’t remember the last time I even had to try to be okay with just me….. sophomore year in high school. I’m not the kind of person that needs people around all the time, and I know that helps, but lonely has been a huge struggle for me since the separation. I mean, it makes sense…. not that I was more accepting of it because it is a normal feeling through a divorce…. but at least it made sense.

It just happened all of a sudden… and it’s been here for the last 2 weeks. It’s odd timing for me too… I just basically ended a friendship. And the previous week was full of tears over losing my house. And I just detached myself from any sort of potential love interests… I don’t know if the timing is coincidence, chemicals in my brain malfunctioning, or if any of those things mentioned above positively effected me, but I’m so glad.

I went out with my best friend last night and she could see it. I’m back! I can’t express how grateful I am. It’s been rough. And I am bracing myself for the next roller coaster of emotions to sweep in… Its been up and down for sure! So I fully expect the sad to make a come back. But its so good to know that this part of me is still here. I am still me. 🙂 A slightly more jaded, baggage laden, divorced me, but i still got my pep! 

I know sadness and anger and bitterness aren’t easy things to deal with for anyone, but I kind of thought that for someone like me… the happy-by-default me… the annoyingly-peppy-girl-in-the-cube-next-door me… the trust-first me… the silver-lining me… the walking-on-the-bright-side-me… would have a harder time experiencing such contrasting emotions. I could be wrong. I’m just glad to see it wasn’t permanent. It was a real fear I had.