Posts Tagged ‘alone’

emotional hangover

November 24, 2014

Yesterday I spent all day in pain. Not physical pain, but soul pain. At one point i was laying flat on my back on the living room floor… not even my dog would approach me it was so tangible. Where did it come from? What triggered this?

I normally consider myself pretty void of emotion. But maybe that’s not really so… I am not good at hiding what i feel. well, that’s not true either. I think I’m good at hiding anger. I’m good at hiding heart break. But when i’m sad, i look sad. I might not, probably won’t, cry in front of you… But i’m a happy, chipper person… so.. anything felt otherwise i suppose is pretty noticeable. But I’d say I normal don’t feel anything to the extreme… I definitely don’t act upon it.

I spent yesterday alone. It was a long day. I felt so much. And i don’t really know what it was. Heartbreak? Hopeless? Lonely? Bored? I think it was all of that and more. Everything hit me. I’m an emotional eater… and normally if boredom hits or sadness or stress, food is my solace. But not even that tugged at me yesterday. I’ve been working on that. Not running to food. Or at least recognizing emotional hunger versus physiological hunger. And maybe I finally hit a break through with that yesterday. Maybe it was my sub-conscious forcing me to face my emotions. To process them. Instead of stuff them down with food. Maybe yesterday was a break through. It felt messy. It felt chaotic. Maybe its going to clear up in a way that cleaning your bedroom looks way worse before it actually gets better and cleaned and organized and uncluttered. Gotta pull everything out of all the nooks and crannies to either dust it off, put it up, or throw it out… I don’t know.

But i do know I was hurting every where. deep down. all throughout. so much. And today… the residual sadness is almost consoling. What does that even mean? It feels like a companion… like its a helper. Like I’m suppose to use it for something.

Maybe its going to do nothing more than to keep me away from people today… keep me from reaching out. Force me to process this on my own.

Maybe its nothing more than hormones… and tomorrow it’ll just be gone. That sucks to think about. That our emotions are just manifestations of the wrong chemical in our body at the time… no meaning other than malfunction of the body. obviously, some people think that… its why pills for depression exists… and i’m not saying there isn’t a place in this world for that… there most certainly is… i’m just hoping there’s more to it for me.

That’s enough for now. Here’s to keeping it together today… or letting things go… we’ll see.

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food addiction

October 16, 2014

I can’t seem to beat this one. I’ve been attending group counseling sessions for it. So many things being uncovered and I honestly don’t know what effects my food addiction and what is just another aspect of me that should be recognized, worked on and/or accepted. Here are a few that i’ve narrowed down to my food issues.

Self doubt: We all do it. We are our own worst critic. I’m a perfectionist… well… maybe not so much a perfectionist… But I can not be embarrassed. I will avoid embarrassment at ALL costs. I have a phobia about it. I can’t handle publicly failing. I’m a realist, though, (or chicken shit) and just don’t do the things i don’t know that I’ll do well in public. I cover this up with self deprecation in jest… but… This is something I’m working on. No more negative comments just to be funny with me as the butt of the joke. This is causing a very awesome subtle change in me… I walk taller. I accept my short comings instead of beat myself up over it. It’s a good change and one I hope to make a habit.

Processing feelings: The overall idea that i’m getting in my group therapy is that we eat to cover up a need we have. maybe even a feeling we are experiencing. And instead of processing whats going on… instead of dealing with the negative things we are experiencing we cover that up with food… food is a reward. food makes us feel in control. food makes us feel safe. food is comfort. food is an easy socially acceptable thing to cling to. food is reliable. So, me and feelings… we don’t get along well. I don’t even know how to recognize a feeling. To help with this I’m working on my mindfulness. In a moment of emotional “hunger” (which takes practice in itself to recognize) I need to stop and rack my brain for reasons why… starting with the very surface of… am i feeling good or bad in this moment? And dig deeper from there. Am I really eating right now because I need sustenance? When was my last meal? what was it? This is a hard thing to do… because its the very opposite of what i’ve been doing. uncovering vs covering. There’s a lot in here. Not to mention the comforting and rewarding that we’ve been taught to use food for.  Its so blatantly obvious we don’t even notice it!

Boredom: I didn’t know that boredom was a feeling. Could my addiction be this simple? The thing about boredom is there’s a level of anxiety or discontentment. Lack of peace. How is this undone? Maybe when there is less self doubt there is more peace… you are more capable of being one with the quiet.

sleep deprivation and chaotic schedule: This is even more simple! I’ve done some experimenting with this lately. It helps to get a good night’s sleep… spend a night at home. I’ve been filling up my calendar so full lately! One thing after the other… literally. Gym, dinner, drinks. Before I know it I’m falling into bed at midnight and at work at 7am… miserable! FOod… bring me alllll the food! Especially if I’m hung over. or even if i’m not hung over! Two things here… 2) lack of sleep makes me want a lot of food. 2) drinking the night before leads to wanting A LOT of BAD food. Now, I will not forfeit my drinking with friends and going out and staying pretty social… but I am starting to be more mindful of these weeknight benders… And It’s about time I reign myself in… I’m 27… time to be a grown up. I doubt i’ll slow down til my friends do… we have way too much fun. But… I’m gonna dial it back a bit. There’s an odd sense of control and productivity when I stay home and keep a bed time… not sure why. But I do know that I feel amazing the next day when I do.

Lonely: I don’t feel particularly lonely. But I’ve noticed the times in which I decide to binge. It happens a lot after my niece or mom leaves my place. Or when I’m leaving a group of people. So, this is something worth thinking about. It is a human quality to want to be around people… to share things with others including time, feelings, sad things, happy things, meals, a bed. Its just a natural thing. We are relational beings.

I think that to dismiss any of these reasons would be detrimental to my “rehab”. But some are harder than others. Work in progress. I just hope that I can be “cured”. I know, once an addict always an addict. Just feeling a little helpless about it at times.

I’ll get there… just need to be more mindful in this direction.

cuddle sesh please!

October 6, 2014

It sucks that the only way to get to the cuddle-on-the-couch-on-a-Friday-night phase can’t happen till you go through the dating scene and find someone that you like and likes you back mutually. Does that sound lame? Did you know that there are professional cuddlers out there?!?! Forget my counseling session! I should find a cuddler (with nice biceps)!

My mom and my best friend has awesome first dates yesterday. I listen to them and try to be as enthusiastic as a daughter and best friend should be when hearing how excited they are. Of course I’m jealous, but I am genuinely excited for them. Jealous and not jealous really… dates are so stressful to me. I don’t do well under stress. I don’t show who I am at all. I really stand no chance. I’m terrible at interviews too. I get tongue tied. My mind goes blank.

I feel more and more whole every day that i don’t have someone… And I love that! but damn, if i don’t want to just cuddle up on the couch! I have high hopes and I know one day it’ll happen.

Just the thought of the day…. that’s a lie… that’s a daily thought. 🙂 Anyway. That is all for now.

My best friend

September 23, 2014

Em is 27. She’s a serial dater. She goes immediately from one boyfriend to the next. She has a successful and fulfilling career. But she can’t handle not having attention 24/7. I don’t know if she realizes this. She knows “single Em” is clingy and desperate to share her time with whoever is willing. If I don’t set up boundaries while she is single she will basically be living with me, and i’d be getting dinner and drunk with her every night of the week. She just broke up with a boy.. and this is the first time she hasn’t had someone lined up and ready to dive in head first. She is the kind of dater that goes from zero to 90 in .25 seconds. She doesn’t know how to do the casual dating.

There’s something deeper going on here. Why is it so hard for her to be alone? Why does her sanity require so much attention? She asks me all the time – why do i feel this way? The truth is I have no idea. But i do know that until she is without someone for a while she will never figure out the deeper issue. She’s a great person. Smart, nerdy, and yet cool. She’s gorgeous. In my opinion she is the total package with a doctorate to boot. A catch! But she can’t get a handle on loving her own company. The attention she requires with never satisfy her. Getting the attention she wants will only make the need greater… and make the moments where she doesn’t have it more excruciating.  

My heart breaks for her and the moments that I know she has when she sits alone at her apartment ready to jump out of her own skin because she neeeeeeds someone to shower themselves on her. I wish I could wave a magic wand and give her peace.

I have had my moments like this, but they are always passing. If I sit still long enough it’ll pass. Or even something simple like a trip to the grocery store or a phone call to a friend or family member satisfies my need. I can’t imagine it staying too long. Because it is a hard emotion to have. Does she hate herself? Fear herself? Is it the age of 27 that makes a woman go a little bit batty with her internal clock ticking away the number of kids possible at this point? I don’t know. I just hope that Em will be single long enough to make peace with herself and with the quiet. She won’t. But that is my hope…