Posts Tagged ‘alcoholic’

me and m

July 20, 2017

About a month ago my concern over m’s alcoholism hit an all time high. He stopped trying. He stopped working. He just stopped. He had more and more nights where he called a second time to say goodnight forgetting entirely that he called to tell me goodnight AN HOUR AGO! And when we went out he was consuming drinks faster and faster. I can tell the difference between someone enjoying a craft beer and a person trying to pack in as much percentage of alcohol as possible as quickly as possible. Hello! I was raised by an alcoholic father. I can pick up and tune into all the little fucking signs. All of them. I know that when you call versus text you are drinking. I know that when you say you are doing laundry, you are drinking. I know that when you say you are meeting your father for lunch you are drinking. I know how to decode a lot of this. And I also know that no matter what I know, there is always so so so much more I’m unaware of. This part was the part that worried me more than anything.

So I asked him to meet me for brunch one day. We shared a quiche at a pizza place and I explained my concerns.

In August we planned on moving in together. So the urgency of the situation was closing in on me. How can I knowingly invite that into my living space on a daily basis?

He was floored. Apparently to him this came out of nowhere. I’ll explain later why this infuriates me. But to him: he was shocked and blindsided. He had no idea how much I knew about the situation. He never once denied any of it. He was EXTREMELY receptive. He listened. And listened. And cried. And listened some more. I had a lot of words. And they couldn’t have come out more perfectly. I would never claim to be an articulate human being just like I could never claim to be a good driver. I just simply am not those things. But for some reason by whatever higher power you believe in I said everything just as I needed to say it.

It landed perfectly. At the end of this….. intervention (for lack of a better word) I told him that I needed a break. This worry and stress had climbed to a level that I needed to take a step back from. Obviously, me thinking that I could break from the stress just by breaking from him is just not how it actually works in my female brain. It’s always interesting to me the things I’m able to compartmentalize and all the things I simply cannot.

Over the next 3 weeks he sprung into clean up mode. He connected with friends he hadn’t connected with in a long time. I was concerned over the bitterness in which he spoke about his so-called friends. Something that I still don’t quite understand. But he dug in and he is actively cultivating and nurturing those friendships and new ones. I’m so damn proud of this. Like I said, I don’t understand why this is something he put on hold.

He also got a therapist. For his depression and anxiety. Part of him falling off the wagon was him getting off his anti-depressants… I know he hates the side effects, but he so desperately needs this. But at least he started the process of getting help. So he has been to exactly 1 session. We’ll see how this goes.

He started going to the gym every day. This is always something he says he is going to do. Something that he wants to do. But during our talk I spoke about howbad his follow through is. I can’t rely on him for anything he says he’ll do. He’s not a follow-through-er. And this was one area in his life that was the most obvious that he just wouldn’t follow through. So he is a regular gymmer now. I say that, 3 weeks in and he’s hitting 4 days a week. We’ll see how this goes.

He bought a kayak. He’s been talking about this for a long time. He did it. And not only did he do it he got his kayak on the lake for a solo ride. And then on top of that has gone out with his friends! The friendships that he had previously been denying. I would’ve put money on these things never happening. As in literally never.

He said the words out loud. He looked into my eyes and said “I am an alcoholic”. I had tears in my eyes instantly. Of course, he said it over a glass of wine, but he fucking said it. Holy shit. He doesn’t feel like he needs to stop drinking. He thinks that he needs to stop drinking when he’s bored or sad. Those are his “self medicating” rules/boundaries that he’s put on himself. I need him in AA. I need him 100% dry. But he isn’t there yet. Maybe… MAYBE… he can just restrict…. But…. This is text book addict verbiage. Maybe he’ll slowly crawl out of denial. I can only hope.

So, here he is… with his laundry list of things he is working on to becoming a better human. But here I am…. I’m completely underwhelmed at his strides. Why? Well, remember when I said I had something to talk about that infuriated me? Back in December when we were discussing getting back together we talked about all these things.

The drinking, the coping, the bettering himself, the gym, the attitude, the depression, the pills… We spoke about all these things. He spoke of them so clearly. He made this list himself. All the things that had to be different in his life if me and him were going to work. So… how long did all that last? A few months. He tried a solid 2 months before I started to see and feel the slipping. Me and him connect so well when he is working on things. He’s so open with me. He talks about all his shit. All of it. But when he starts slipping in one area it all unravels… this includes our connection.

Our connection is still severed. Because the break. I am perpetuating this disconnect. Why? Because I can’t trust any of this to be something that sticks forever. Backsliding to me is inevitable. I absolutely hate that I think this. I absolutely hate that I don’t think he could possibly keep this up. What a shitty girlfriend. But I’ve been hurt and burned at this before. I am so so hurt. But no matter how hurt I feel I am even more scared.

So when he says this whole thing blindsided him? FUCK YOU! This is something we both cared so deeply about in the past. This is why I could even consider getting back with him. This. None of it is new. None of this can ever be OUT OF THE BLUE. This is our shit. Our constant shit.

He has such strong demons that he wrestles with daily. And I feel so awful that I can no longer stand at his side while he battles. I am so damn conflicted.

But here’s what I know. I need someone that follows through. I need someone that I don’t have to constantly monitor and mother. I don’t want to be the nagging partner in life always asking “are you drinking?” I don’t want to play this role. I deserve other things, right? Deserve… I don’t know. Maybe I don’t’ deserve more, but I do know that I need someone I can rely on. And I can’t rely on him.

I’m struggling with this decision. I need to let go. I need to let him work on this apart from me. And I need him to become a better person because that is what he wants to do for himself not to save our relationship. Because he had me and our relationship. And it wasn’t enough.

I hope he keeps it up. I want him to succeed. But my fear about the possibility may be something I can’t possibly get passed.

dad’s accident

September 22, 2015
My dad broke his ankle. This, in itself, is not report worthy. I mean… not big enough to make it to my blog anyway… Not that my blog has such high standards. LOL. Anyway… here’s what win’s it’s noteworthy prize:
  • he “fell off his recliner”
  • broke it in two places
  • had to have surgery to put three pins in to put his ankle back together
  • spent two nights in the hospital (he announced this to us via facebook message :-/… really? can a daughter get a freakin phone call?)
  • has to be in a wheel chair for 6 weeks
  • doc says he probably has osteoporosis (and sincerely this one does have me worried)
  1. Fell out of your recliner? This doesn’t even sound physically possible. How many laws of physics did you have to break for that one?
  2. His girlfriend is a recovering narcotics addict. Having her in the same house as someone that needs those pills for pain at the moment is scary. What will her relapse do to my dad? Of course this is trusting that she is, in fact, currently sober.
  3. My dad is a heavy vodka abuser. My guess is he was being stupid in a drunken moment, tripped, and didn’t wanna admit it was alcohol related. But why not just say he tripped? A Half truth is smarter than a complete lie. right? <– learned this one from my ex- husband…. (merp)
  4. If he does have osteoporosis then he might have in fact fell out of his recliner and I should feel like a terrible daughter for assuming the worst…
But when his lineup for the last 4 years is beyond ridiculous, it makes everything he says pretty untrustworthy. To list a few:
  • had an affair with someone that it is illegal (maybe not illegal, but definitely punishable by law – wait, that does make it illegal?) to have a relationship with (a lawyer and a bail bondsman (woman) is a no-no)
  • got a divorce from my mom because of said affair AFTER she gave him TWO chances to cut things off with this woman
  • not paying my mom alimony (a woman who spent her entire adult life raising us 5 kids, managing the household, and making sure he ALWAYS had a meal before he even had to ask)
  • dated a woman that is YOUNGER THAN ME (27, while he is 64). She went to prison for pharmaceutical fraud, lost custody of her kids because of an addiction, and a client of my father’s (another no-no relationship)!
  • let said young girlfriend not only move in (after she got out of prison) but let her be the secretary in his law practice!!
  • been in at least 3 plus car wrecks due to being an idiot and either texting or drinking (or both! to be fair, this is just a theory – but over 3 wrecks in such a short time is suspicious)
  • getting let go of two part time jobs because of said drinking – in doing so losing medical insurance and a set income. This just means he has his private practice only for his income which should be fine, but scares him a lot for obvious reasons.
As you can see it’s easy to assume the worst.
Geez. Now I’m exhausted.
I. Can’t. Even.

A secret exposed

May 1, 2015

I have that itch to blog. To let thoughts flow from my finger tips, but I don’t know what to say. Lets go with it.

A secret I haven’t told anyone: Because it’s embarrassing at f*ck. So, a guy I was dating back in the fall (there is a blog dedicated to his craziness) came over after work…. Lets step back for a second. He worked the second shift and sometimes 7 days a week. Falcon works their technicians to the bone. It really isn’t fair. They make promises to clients they can’t possibly keep unless they do so. Anyway, we had to be flexible if we wanted to see each other ever. He was scheduled to be off work by midnight… but this always bled into the 2 o’clock hour.

Now, I have to be at my desk in the morning at 7am. Not sure why I let this routine become what it did…. but he’d come over after his shift. I’d leave the door unlocked. He’d come in we’d get some skin on skin for the rest of the night. Both of us too tired for anything else. But satisfied to just to be in the same room. Anyway, one of these nights he came in with a 6 pack. I found this extremely odd. Where do you get a six pack at 2am? and why are you half way thru it by the time you get here? This should have been RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG! But i’m the ever trusting naive hopeful. He crawled in bed. Spooned to sleep. This was a friday night so we actually got to sleep in.

It was morning… the light coming in thru the curtains. Got my guy next to me. More time to sleep. Pretty perfect scene. But then I hear something…. Sounds like someone turned on the facet. What? Wait… HOLY SHIT! This dude is peeing in MY bed! WTF. NOT OKAY! How old is he?!?!?! He doesn’t budge. He doesn’t notice. He doesn’t even register anything going on right now. I’m embarrassed for him. I have no idea what to do. NONE. AND HE’S STILL GOING. HOLY SHIT!

I’m a non-confrontational, avoid embarrassment even if it means death, kind of person. I am at a complete loss. All I know is that I am not staying in this bed. My poor, poor previously unblemished bed!

I hop up. I leave him there. I grab my book and head to the couch. I’m less than reading and basically just praying this guy will wake up and know how to difuse this inevitably embarrassing moment of dealing with this issue. Yes, it’s an issue. Do I sound dramatic right now? because I assure you, I was more freaking out in my head than i can protray thru this blog.

When he FINALLY emerges from my bedroom I’m slightly relieved and majorly bracing myself. “I’m just going to come out and say it.” OH THANK GOD! Even tho part of me hoped he get up and leave and i could take care of it without a conversation about it. What is wrong with me?! “This has happened before.” WHAT?!!??!?! “I know how to clean it.” He then proceeds to use all my baking soda and uses the vacuum. It’s just one of those… do i help him clean up HIS pee off MY bed? I let him do his thing knowing I’ll do whatever he is doing plus 5 other remedies (my brother did this til he was 12) at least 3 more times.

Come to find out a few months later after we are no longer dating he has checked himself into rehab. I didn’t realize he was a drunk. There were signs, and I was completely oblivious to them.

We met for coffee last week (as friends, i have ZERO intention of starting things back up with this guy). He just received his 90 sobriety pin. Good for him.

Sigh… secret out. It’s even stressful retelling this story. I know, drama queen much?! Can’t help it. It hit me hard. So unprepared for this dating scene. Geez. I don’t even care if this is overreacting.