Posts Tagged ‘accepting’

my goal

June 26, 2015

I don’t want to change the world, start a revolution, or unlock the mystery to world peace. It’s not in me. Its not the touch I want on the world. None of these things drive me.

I want to be known as a good friend. A loyal friend. A fun friend. But most importantly, I want to be that friend that you can tell your dirty little secrets too, and laugh about it with together. I want to be the friend that makes you feel like you can kick off your shoes and prop up your feet. I want to be someone that others can chill with, be themselves with, and love themselves with. This is my pleasure in life.

I love hearing about a mishap, a goof, a “let me tell you how dumb I am” story – because they know they won’t be judged by unloading this story in my ear. We can laugh. we can learn. we can love. Someone that you can bounce the stupid questions, the irrational fears, the weird feelings you have towards people and ideas off of. Bounce off those things that make individuals feel awful, horrid, abnormal, and psycho. Hash out all these insecurities… maybe even shed some light on things, or just make you feel more comfortable with yourself despite all those things…. or make you feel normal because of all those things.

I want to be the friend that feels like no effort is given. That you feel like you’ve spent nothing to be around. That you don’t dread. That when I’m in need, you want to help, not because you owe it, but because your heart tugs you.

This is all I wish for myself in life. Just this small touch in other’s lives.

I just love being that person you can be yourself with. People are pretty awesome, but we sometimes miss that because we are so worried about keeping it together for everyone.

I don’t even want to be the friend that you miss so much when you’re not around, but the friend that when you see, realize you miss them. Have you ever done that? Gone about life, giving close to no thought about someone, but as soon as you see them your heart floods instantly – bubbles over because you adore and love this person?

I want this for my life. This is my goal.

a clean start

December 30, 2014

I think that my divorce had less to do with the obvious act of infidelity on his end and more to do with me and setting off on a new journey. wipe clean MY transgression (not his) and move along with a fresh start. Do it differently. Make it better from the inside out. Not any other way.

I know some would have issues with the verbiage here. Don’t get caught up in the divorce itself. It happened people. Lots of reason and lots of realities that couldn’t be resolved… But as I process and think through this on certain days… It’s about me. Not about him. or about the “us” that use to be.

This is an opportunity for me. And it feels fantastic. I’m coming to that point where I’m taking off the weights. I’m peeling back a few layers. and I’m feeling a little lighter.

I didn’t realize how complacent I had become as a person. Just in every day things. A conversation with a stranger. Using my mind. Thinking through the things I need to do rather than let someone else take care of everything. You don’t become a whole person after a long term relationship ending because you have to try super hard… you do it because you no longer have that other half. Its a necessity. You do not get a choice.

I want the next life of mine to take this whole me… and mesh it together with whoever and whatever comes in. I don’t want to become dull and unmotivated and un-involved! I want to be fully aware. Fully there. I didn’t realize how much this wasn’t true in my marriage. What a weird sense of clarity to come to terms with that.

I am fun. I am interesting. I’m witty! Where did that one come from!??! These are adjectives I wouldn’t have used when talking about me while in the marriage. I felt quite the opposite! Boring. Nagging. Non-adventurous. Not particularly anything. Just some shade of gray that sits in the corner. Oh how that is NOT who I am!

This girl that I am… woman… I love her more and more. And I want to share her! I want to be part of someone’s life. Whether it be friends, coworkers, or a lover. I feel like I have adjectives to offer.

That’s enough rambling for now 🙂

one of those moments

October 27, 2014

I have a deep desire today to mourn my marriage. I wanna bury my face and body in the comfort of someone who knows and understands the depth of the situation. To completely be consumed with the grief… and let go in the catharsis of sobs. Sob for my lost years. For the loss itself. For my ex. For all that was wasted. For all the what ifs. For all the reasons why it didn’t work. For all the ways that is was my fault. and all the reasons that i couldn’t have possibly prevented. For all the ways that i didn’t measure up. and for all the ways that i deserve better. All the ways he deserves better. Its a small ache, but a huge desire to let myself go in that moment of wallowing.

This won’t happen. There’s no one I can crumble against except for him. And that sure as hell shouldn’t be an option. Instead, I’ll catch a noon workout… and work it out through sweat instead of tears. Bury myself in the burn of my hands on the barbell, and the burn in my muscles…. Not sure if this is processing or just burying it… What else can be done with this? There is going to be a discord inside me with such a huge life change. It isn’t because I made the wrong decision or a bad decision… a decision either way with something like this would’ve caused the same kind of upset at times. I’m not in denial about that. Just having one of those moments. I’m completely resolved to my decision and glad about it. Just a moment.

It’ll be over soon.

Happy being me.

August 25, 2014

There are certain people that you meet that you instantly want to get to know. When I was about 19 or 20 i met a girl named Laura. She is so happy. And she says the goofiest things. She desn’t filter much. She is very honest. She is vibrant!

I sat back and would observe her. Why was she such a magnet. How does one become like that. I was the girl that filters EVERYTHING that comes out of her mouth. Nothing will accidentally come out without being weighed, measured, and found worthy. And I was hard on myself. So, basically I just didn’t speak. It came across like I was shy. But… I dont’ think I’m particularly shy… I just can’t handle being embarrassed. 

I met a girl a few years later, Her name was Lori… and I felt the same type of draw towards her. I also sat back and observed her. I realized she also said some pretty dumb and goofy and wacky and whiny things. Pretty unfiltered. She was so open to me. and I felt compelled to be open back. 

What I realized as I got older and saw these characteristics that I wanted (and somewhat practiced because, lets be honest, if i don’t practice i might embarrass myself) I discovered a few things. 

These girls were completely accepting of things. Not only did they allow others the grace to say the goofy and dumb things they took the liberty of doing it themselves. I’ve come to label these traits as Non-judgmental and confident

They knew who they were and they were okay with sharing it with the world. And they loved people well. There wasn’t this AHA! moment or anything but thru a few years of watching them and befriending them these are things i realized. I loved mirroring this. I can’t believe what happened when I decided to “practice” these things…. 

I began to LOVE myself. 

I found out that other people loved me too! I mean, they wanted me around. They sought out my company. That is a high honor in my book! 

I found that when you gave people room to be them too, they opened up to you. And to experience people that aren’t afraid to be them…. is pretty awesome too. 

I didn’t know that i had been denying myself so much. I wasn’t being me. I wasn’t letting others see me. I was just depriving me and the world of me. 

I’m still learning to open up and be honest about me… about what i feel and think… but its a work in progress. And I’m happy with the progression thus far. I’m going to say stupid things. and i’m going to be wrong…. but so! People don’t really care. In fact… they may even be grateful for the laugh while loving and respecting you just as much as before you made a fool of yourself. It’s kind of awesome how this works.