beauty

March 8, 2017

I rounded the corner to the showers in a locker room. The stall on the end had its shower curtain wide open. The woman that occupied the stall was a large (on any one’s standards) black woman.

Of course the first thing I said, “Oh! Sorry!” And quickly marched passed with my gaze down.

But I couldn’t shake what I saw.

She was BEAUTIFUL to me. All the curves. All the extra body. Her whole shape was stuck in my brain. I was so surprised at my reaction!

No, it wasn’t sexual. There was no lust here. It was pure appreciation. I loved that I found her so pretty, but this was my favorite part. An epiphany is you will.

Maybe we are all beautiful to others. Men and women. What’s the saying? We are our own worst critic? What if someone saw my flawed body and thought the same? Because I am far from in love with my naked self. Wonder how that woman feels about her body… Would it have been strange to tell her how beautiful I thought she was. LOL. Um. Yeah. Reality check. But maybe she does know… she did have that curtain pulled back… Just sayin!

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new direction (4)

March 7, 2017

Dear Manager,

My co-workers and I have a perfectly professional relationship. I enjoy their comradery and they make my day brighter. I’m so fortunate to be able to spend so much of my day with each and every one of them.

I’m unable to complete my tasks for the year because I’m sub par at my job. I’m not good at reaching out for help. I work on a project and never get far enough through it before an interruption comes along. I then start all over. It’s been a bad cycle all year that I have no one to blame but myself. I should’ve stayed focused and reached out to my co-workers for help multiple times. I’ve had the opportunities. A bad review would make sense for me. I will push myself more going forward.

Also, on a completely unrelated note. I have decided to go back to school. It would be great to collect a paycheck and help these guys with on-call and other workloads while I do it. If legally that is too much of a liability then please consider this my 2 week notice.

Thank you,
Michelle
I didn’t really send this. Well, I didn’t send this yet. But that didn’t stop me from editing it and taking out sarcastic adjectives and making it PC as possible before signing it.

I do believe that I will be quitting a lot sooner than I expected. I definitely envisioned having a bigger safety net before jumping into it. I have some savings. I’m not above part time work til I’m out of school. My rent is cheap right now. I can get rid of a few monthly bills and decrease a few more. Sigh. I can trim the social calendar. This might be the push I truly need to just jump.

I’m thinking while I go to become a wellness coach training I can also get certified in personal training. And weightlifting training. I think I’d love to start a weightlifting class (or offer a special emphasis with private clients) for older beginning women that want to start lifting. Gah! That would be incredible!

Okay so I’m terrified, but I’m excited. I’m pissed, but there’s a silver lining.

Talk about a roller coaster. I feel like I stay on one.

new direction (3)

March 7, 2017

Monday rolls around. I come to work. I’m researching my options. I’ve basically decided which program I’m going to do, but I’d be a fool for not reviewing other options that take less time and less money.

I’m looking at the difference between health coach, nutritionist, dietitians. I’m looking at personal training, crossfit certs. Looking at costs, and time, and careers. I’m all over the place. But I feel great about it. I signed up for so much junk mail BUT I DON’T CARE! Bring it on.

I get another message from my boss. He’s wants to meet again. “Okay. See you in a few.”

I’m sitting across from him and the mood is not the same as when I left his comforting words last Thursday. Turns out Friday morning he attended some sort of leadership training. Completely coincidental to our conversation.

He tells me that legally he can’t do nothing. He still has to keep his goals in mind to. He still has to worry about my career progression. And if these guys are the reason I’m not doing well, he can’t idly sit on this news. He names names, which I didn’t do last week. He narrows down all that he can. He is backing me into a corner. I’m feeling closed off and defensive.

He either needs me to write them up. Put some formal complaint on paper so he can pursue a course of action through the proper channels. Or he needs to me legally release him from fault by telling another director or manager everything and telling him with a witness that I want him to do nothing… then of course he has to treat me a little harsher in the review because I just suck at my job and there’s no real reason.

I only told him everything because we prefaced with the fact that he wouldn’t do anything. I NEVER would have told him these things if I thought it left him legally obligated. I just wouldn’t have. He even agrees with me that telling the guys would make it worse. He goes from caring to covering his ass, and I completely understand but i’m also heartbroken that it has come to this.

I ask him for the rest of the week to decide. And I walk away with very few words.

I do not know what to do. And the more this becomes real the more silly I feel. What am I formally complaining about? That someone cracked a joke about a purse, lipstick, and credit cards? That I get made fun of for the dumbest things. That I have to constantly defend my actions and choices? Nothing is worthy of a report. Nothing but the sheer volume of jokes that I have to deal with. I feel silly. I should’ve just fucking let it all go and got my shit done. I’m feeling completely at fault for everything. And now I’m backed into a corner.

a new direction (2)

March 7, 2017

It’s review time. Again. And I always get nervous about review time. I haven’t liked my job in a long time and it always shines through during this time. I am not a sub par individual. I’m an over-achiever, type-A-to-the-max, get-shit-done kind of person. But I really really have not been this person at work in a long time.

So I get a message from my boss last week. He wants to meet really quickly with me. He wants to ask about a few projects I haven’t completed. Whats the stumbling block. What is holding me back. He wants to help me complete this. He wants to give me a good review at the end of the year. He’s a good manager. He truly cares.

I want to tell him how unhappy I am. How unmotivating this whole environment is to me. I want to tell him that all my male co-workers are draining the life out of me with their “cutesy” comments and annoying jokes. I want to tell him that I’ve already decided to make my slow exit. Go to school for another job. But I can’t say most of this. It’s career suicide.

I should’ve just told him I’ve hit a wall in my projects. That I’ve come to a place that I don’t know what to do next. I should have said this. But instead….

I cry.

I fucking cry.

I hate this. I say I don’t want to talk about this. I’m not prepared to have this conversation. Why didn’t I just say I needed help before proceeding with the project? He tells me that if I don’t want to talk I don’t have to. I told him that I didn’t want to say because I didn’t want him to do thing about it. I can just picture him having a meeting with the guys and telling them to lay off. Yeah, that’ll work. That won’t make it weird at all. :-\

He tells me if I don’t want him to do anything about it, he won’t. And I’m feeling hopeful for the first time since the meeting started. So I wipe my eyes, clear my throat and tell him all the problems I’m having with the guys. I tell him that it’s almost silly to bring up because any one thing isn’t a big deal. So what, they made fun of the fact that I didn’t go to lunch with them because I brought my food… And they make up things that it is… tofu or tree bark… meanwhile I’m sitting here with shrimp and green beans… yeah that’s super duper weird. Heaven forbid anyone try to be healthy around here. 😐 anyway. Like I said, no one thing is worthy of writing up a report. But I work with 5 guys. Very closely. And it’s constant. It’s every day. All day. I’m annoyed. And tired of it. They don’t understand why I’ve been so quiet lately. They don’t get it. And I’ve snapped at them before. I’ve gotten verbally upset with them. I’ve put on my headphones mid conversation. I’ve never flat out ignored people before these guys. I’m not NOT letting them know how they make me feel. I’ve stopped being subtle awhile ago.

So yeah, I’m not motivated. And when I do come to a place in my work that I need help I take a few extra days before reaching out. I use to open up to these guys. I use to consider them friends. And honestly they are good guys. They think they are cute and having a good time. Picking on a little sister or maybe bad flirting. Idk. But I’m way over it. It’s not motivating. No. I’m not doing my job well. I hate it. I’m worn out.

I tell him all this. And he see’s my point of view perfectly. He’s apologetic. And he’s making me feel like I did a good thing by telling him. He says he understands that I don’t want to work here any more. (I didn’t tell him I had a plan to exit the company, just that I didn’t know what to do and didn’t want to work in corporate with men ever again.) He even told me to keep him updated on what I plan on doing. That he knows a lot of people. He can ask around at church for other options for me. HOW SWEET IS THAT!? He also says that he’d hate to lose me. That he’ll try to think of ways of getting around this. He knows and agrees with me that if he brought this up to the guys they would ostracize me. It would only make it worse. I try to portray that I want a relationship with them. I just NEED them to have boundaries. But I truly don’t see them understanding this. He agrees.

We end the meeting. No resolution. No plan. But understanding. I’m happier than I expected to unload on him.

a new direction

March 7, 2017

I’ve been miserable at my job for years now. Basically ever since I’ve been divorced. Let’s not chit chat about coincidences, k? I’ve been slowly thinking about getting out of this work place for 3 years. I’ve been thinking about getting out of IT for the last year. And I’ve only just discovered the path I’d like to be on just in that past few months.

And even then, there’s a few options I’m hung up on.

Basically I’d like to work in the health and fitness community. I don’t necessarily think I want to be a trainer. I could do that. I love coaching, or at least I’ve loved the little experiences I’ve gotten with coaching. But I don’t think that anyone would want a 150 pound, very average looking girl as a trainer. Won’t they prefer someone with a body they envy? IDK. That’s my line of thinking.

But as I was researching other options… the options that focus more on the diet part of lifestyle changes. I found a program called “Become a health coach.” As I read through the descriptions I fell in love with the job.

This is a focus on habit change. This is facilitating sustainable life changes that lend toward a healthier lifestyle. I CAN DO THIS! Inspiring people is one of my favorite things. And if I do say so myself it’s a gift I have. I could be the accountability and mentor anyone needs to reach their goals. I won’t be a quick fix. I’m going to be the type of change for someone that when you look back 5 years you can’t believe how far you’ve come. Not because some sprint to a finish line, but these people won’t even recognize the person they were years ago because of all the positive changes they’ve made. Not necessarily in the mirror (but that too!), but in the kitchen, at the grocery store, and in their life. I WANT TO DO THIS!

I’d love to get this education then add on to it. Personal training. Crossfit certification. So many other certification that are diet related. For food allergies. For specific diets like paleo and vegetarian. I would love this.

Anyway… This has been on my mind for a bit. I feel like its perfect and I feel like it’s time.

So the original plan was to keep my job in this corporate IT world as I school… Perfect plan right? Make money while I learn to make money another way. Sure, I’ll be taking a pay cut. I’ll be starting over. It’ll be a journey for sure. Good, bad, and ugly…

But as best laid plans go… kinks in the road happen…

lucky gal

March 2, 2017

Things with M are going really well. We even made our relationship facebook official. WHAT!??! Yes, you read that right. Lol… We live in a strange era, don’t we? I’ve only been fb official with Andy since my divorce.

He fights his demons daily. He has so much going on in that head of his. He has depression. It’s genetic. His mom… He always looks at her and it makes him feel even worse because he knows there’s not an end to it. It’s still her demon. It’ll be his too still in 20 years. It just is. I hate this for him. He tries so hard. But depression and anxiety have been a cause of so many of our issues. The first time around and now… but more because the baggage we created the last go around.

For instance, he broke up with me before saying that he was in so so deep into the depression that he didn’t want to take me down too. I deserved more. He walked away. So anytime this comes up now… any bad moment I see rearing it’s ugly head I am terrified he will make this same decision. I no longer feel like I’m just waiting for the end. I know he is working. Fighting to live a normal life and love me through it. But in those bad moments when I can’t see, touch, or hold him I hear that ghost of our past tapping on my brain. I brace myself. But I know he’s working on it. I am gaining more and more faith and trust that this won’t be what ends us. But… baggage is a bitch.

He’s so good at surprises and gifts. He’s so good with physcial contact. He’s so good with the words he gives me. I feel so so lucky. He is so wrapped around me its incredible. I’ve never had someone that needed me on this level. It’s one of those things I always thought was unhealthy, but this doesn’t feel unhealthy. It feels like a partnership. A true partnership with two sides equally leaning on each other. I love that.

I’m so happy to commit to him. And that’s not something that comes easy. I was definitely there with mitch too, but everyone else… that commitment is hard to jump into. I’m such a damn flirt and so addicted to attention. But this man… He gives me all of his attention and everything else in his being.

Feels good. 🙂

Gimme equal pay, but lemme where some stilettos, k?

February 13, 2017

ok so… I got some thoughts going on in my head. I’m not sure it’s linear enough for a blog post. I’m all over the place. There’s a central theme, but, well… You’ll see if you can handle the ramble.

Feminism vs anti-feminism?

I just tried to google the opposite of feminism and really there isn’t a word.

Misogyny isn’t necessarily the opposite. Obviously you can’t be misogynistic and a feminist… but being anti feminism doesn’t necessarily mean something as malicious as misogyny, right?

I feel like I fit somewhere in between (not between misogyny and feminism, but feminism vs anti-feminism). I believe in a balance. I believe in the Ying-Yang of life and the universe. But I also think women can do it all… within the biological realm of reality anyway.

So…

When I’m at work I want to be treated equally. Same pay and compensation. Same expectations and repercussions. I NEED my male co-workers to see me on an equal level. I need them to not crack comments about my mood and hormones. I need them to not ask me to coordinate the baby shower next month. I need them to feel like they can come to me for work advice because I’m just as good as the next guy. All these things are the not the case and it drives me insane. Working in a male dominated field isn’t the most zen experience of my life. These guys don’t even hear anything wrong with the things they say! Open your ears! I could go on and on about what these guys think are okay. I MEAN ON AND ON AND ON FEMALE-HORMONE-RANT STYLE…. 😐 hm.

Then there’s that… I am female. And I do have to deal with hormones on a monthly basis. And guess what? Those males I work with, they have to deal with me during those times too. And it’s a true statement to say that hormones effect my mood. And sometimes very drastically so. It’s not something I can help too much. This is a fact of life. No amount of feminism is going to undo do the fact that the chemistry in my body is reeking havoc on almost all function of my body. IT. JUST. IS. Women ARE different. So when I storm out because some fucking fuck face says something misogynistic about lipstick and credit cards in my purse because I JUST CAN’T handle stupid shitty comments like that they are most certainly not wrong about it being my time of the month. GRRR. What do we do with those moments, feminists??? How could I possibly combat that??? lol I mean, when I flip out over a misogynistic comment because my hormones won’t allow me to smile and nod and maybe even retort with something flippantly witty…? It’s comical, right? Well, it’s comical in 4 to 7 days, anyway….

But… I want to be a girl. I want to be treated like something special. I want to feel the protection a man can provide. I want to be able to hand a jar of pickles over to a man to muscle that sunuvabish open. Just like I want to be someone a guy can lean on for support. I want to be that safe place a man can come and crumble upon because he knows the massive amount of respect I have for him and the amount of warm, soft, feminine comfort I have waiting for him to crash into. I want to fill in his gaps and I want my gaps to be filled (sexually and otherwise – ba dum chhhh). I want to be the ying to his yang. I want to flow together so well we are better than two puzzle pieces… Like oil and water coming together with perfect, visible seems. Touching each other whole-y, but both very separate and different. You can see one. You can see the other. They are very distinct.

When it comes to significant others and their roles in the household I think that should just be something agreed upon between the two. When I was married, I was happy to do dishes if I didn’t have to mow the lawn. I’m okay with that trade off of responsibilities. My ex husband HATED laundry but didn’t mind vacuuming the stairs, which i hated! He liked to fix things and he liked to make things look better. I’m bad at it, so I was happy to have him use tools that I wasn’t comfortable using and making things look good because he had the better decorative eye. When he took on special tasks like cleaning the garage I didn’t mind taking on a larger load in the house. I’d much rather be in the comfort of the AC.

So here I am. I strongly feel my feelings and opinions and beliefs and preferences should be considered AND VALUED. But I’m not going to be weird when I’m cooking dinner for 2. And I want to be your princess too.

Okay… another HUGE ASPECT THAT PROMPTED THIS WHOLE TRAIN OF THOUGHT TODAY:

Where’s the line at work? Where’s the line in my brain? I LOVE to wear a skirt and high heels. It makes me good about myself. I love feeling sexy. I don’t know of a single thing I can do that delivers the same feeling. I can’t quite put my finger on it. I don’t do it because I want some man to undress me with his eyes, or admire me walking down the hallway, or for someone else’s pleasure. I don’t think. Is that denial? I hope not. I love how I feel when I think I look sexy. If I leave the house and I don’t feel cute, I don’t have a good day. Period. End of discussion. My day is shitty. My self confidence: tanked. My body image: poor.

So how does feminism come into play there? Am I anti-feminist because I enjoy feeling sexy and powerful purely by the clothes I wear and the body under them?? What’s that about? Gimme equal pay, but lemme where some stilettos, k? I don’t know.

Last tangent, swear: Interesting offshoot about women in corporate environments. The ones that dress sexy or dress flattering for their figure always look younger at older ages. The women in heels and a skirt… they look 20 years younger than those women that wear the frumpy slacks. Whats that about? Why are those types of women more likely to take care of themselves in other ways? Is it just our vanity? But is it vanity or healthy pride? Are the other women just choosing other values and other things that make them feel good? I’m sure that’s what it is. They have a different priority list and their clothes choice just isn’t there. But then neither is their health…. I don’t know. Major ramble at this point.

I think I’ll wrap that up here.

Hope everyone has a great week! Happy Monday!

random post-coffeine inspiration

February 3, 2017

When things are bad we can’t wait for them to end. I mean, duh. Who wants to be in a bad situation. It’s intuitive. Barely worth mentioning. Like, I’ve just wasted 10 seconds of your life.

This morning I was drinking an extra yummy cup of coffee. I don’t drink coffee much any more and so I drank it with extra appreciation. But something happened half way through the cup. I started getting sad that it was going to end so soon. It was A FANTASTIC CUP OF COFFEE. I loved EVERY SINGLE SIP. But here I was unable to fully enjoy this AMAZING cup of coffee because it was sooooo good I never wanted it to end.

Is it worth having something so good if halfway through it I swing as low as I was high from the coffee? It’s kind of a roller coaster, right, when we get something that’s too good? Like kids on Christmas morning crying after they open their last gift. What happened to the joy of opening the other gifts? Is it worth all the excitement and joy from opening SO MANY AMAZING GIFTS?

We humans are so weird. We fight contentment. In fact, being content is almost a bad word. Like, if we aren’t feeling some discord then we must not be working hard enough or life isn’t good enough. “No pain no gain.” Maybe those cliches are just so we don’t throw huge pity parties for ourselves… Or maybe those cliches simply exist so we can tell that to someone else throwing a pity party. I don’t know. Did I just change the subject? Oh yeah, here’s where I was going:

So we fight bad times and times of contentment, but then when we get something too good we mourn it prematurely… All things for a season right? If the bad times are a phase, so are the good times, right? But maybe that’t just another cliche… so we have words of comfort.

Yeah, humans are weird.

Anyway… that’s enough of that. Have a happy friday, all!

m is back – 2

January 19, 2017

Every fiber of my being was aware that he was back. WE WERE IN THE SAME STATE AGAIN! I was trying to play it cool. I was dating the other guy… and m was bad for me right? He left, right?

He asked to see me immediately. I said yes. Immediately. I can’t not run to this man. I don’t think I’d ever make this man want for anything if I could possibly deliver.

I saw him. I smiled. I hugged him. We chatted for a few minutes. I welcomed him home.

It was short. As I walked away I couldn’t stop smiling. Ear to ear! Then WAM! It hit me. HOLY SHIT I STILL LOVE THIS MAN! How did I NOT see that.

I had to remind myself all the reasons why he was a bad idea. He drank too much. Way too depressed to function. He was emotionally stunted. He couldn’t face any emotion he had: good, bad, or ugly. He just shut down in the face of feelings. This is the same boy that broke up with me after one of the most phenomenal weekends of my life! We had so much fun together. Definitely the best weekend we had. BY FAR! And because of that he broke it off.

He did the “noble thing” and did it because he was going to drag me down. His depression stemmed from a very very very deep place. He has the worst view of himself. Not to mention it all started with a specific event that he will never ever forgive himself for. Because of that he will never feel worthy of love. 😦 It’s awful. It’s heartbreaking.

So here I am running all these things in my head and all I can do is smile because… LOVE. What a damn girl.

Over the next few weeks he pours everything out to me. How he wished he hadn’t left. How I was the best thing thats ever been in his life. How he will spend as long as it takes to win me back. That he was put on this planet for me. And me for him.

Who did he become??? Already something was different. This man wasn’t the type to pour out his heart like this. The change was already enough to make me give him a shot again. But I waited. I needed to see something… I wasn’t sure for what tho.

But it became clear very quickly what I was waiting on. A promise to make us different than it was. But it wasn’t something words could’ve resolved for me.

Turns out he started taking medication for the depression. I was stoked to find that out. He didn’t want to “lower” himself to that before. But this guy is why these type of pills were created! For that person that just can’t find that chemical balance the rest of us kind of have naturally.

He joined a gym! This guy use to be way too self conscious for a gym before! I mean… he’s self conscious still but my point is that he is overcoming it! He’s going despite himself. That is HUGE for this guy.

He even told me he’s been praying and working on doing more of it… this is a show stopper! WHAT!!??!

He was fighting for me. As if I needed half of this with all the other feelings I have for him. I couldn’t believe the changes I was seeing in him. I’ve not experienced this much joy over something in my life I think.

I pretty quickly detached from that one guy. I say quickly… I took a few weeks doing it… and they were a LOOOOOONG couple of weeks. I wanted to be with m so badly, but I didn’t want there to be any physical overlap. Both guys deserved way better than that. It felt like forever.

m is back

January 13, 2017

Meanwhile…

M moved back to town. He left to take a job back home in North Carolina. He wanted to be near his brother. Who can fault him for that.

I dated m about a year and a half ago. Or should I say that’s when he broke up with me. Gah, that was hard. But he couldn’t wait to move back to NC so badly he was unwilling to continue “us”. It makes sense. But there was so much more to it in my heart than that.

His words said he didn’t want me and his actions said he did. He would list off reasons why he wasn’t good for me then show up at my door just for a hug.

He had red flags coming out the ass. He drank a lot and was in a horrible state of depression. It was hard. But there was so much more to him that drew me in. My own brand of magnet.

But it was one of those relationships you knew you were waiting on the end. It was coming. But you had to see it through. He broke my heart. He is the reason why I decided to pursue my kink instead of a relationship a year and half ago. My heart was a mess, but it left the perfect soil for my subbie/masochist to grow.

I knew he was coming back for about a month. And my brain shut down every time I thought of it. I was literally on the verge of a panic attack each time I thought of it. I didn’t know why. I didn’t understand what my body was communicating to me. I just knew that it effected me in a big way.

I would talk to m ever so often. He’d text or call. Every once in a while he’d say he missed me and wished he hadn’t let me go. I chalked it up to him being lonely or regretting the decision to leave this state. I didn’t know. I did know I couldn’t afford to believe him. For the last year and half I’ve finally decided that I was over it. I decided he really was no good for me. That him letting me go for “my own good” was just a cop out to “sorry, kid… i was just passing time.”

But when he got back to town he made his presence known in a big big way. He was back. And he wanted me. He missed me. He loved me. He never told me he loved me before. EVER. Who was this guy? He came back bearing his soul and his soul wanted me.

I wasn’t sure about any of my feelings… was confused about the borderline panic attacks until I saw him again for the first time…