a new direction (2)

March 7, 2017

It’s review time. Again. And I always get nervous about review time. I haven’t liked my job in a long time and it always shines through during this time. I am not a sub par individual. I’m an over-achiever, type-A-to-the-max, get-shit-done kind of person. But I really really have not been this person at work in a long time.

So I get a message from my boss last week. He wants to meet really quickly with me. He wants to ask about a few projects I haven’t completed. Whats the stumbling block. What is holding me back. He wants to help me complete this. He wants to give me a good review at the end of the year. He’s a good manager. He truly cares.

I want to tell him how unhappy I am. How unmotivating this whole environment is to me. I want to tell him that all my male co-workers are draining the life out of me with their “cutesy” comments and annoying jokes. I want to tell him that I’ve already decided to make my slow exit. Go to school for another job. But I can’t say most of this. It’s career suicide.

I should’ve just told him I’ve hit a wall in my projects. That I’ve come to a place that I don’t know what to do next. I should have said this. But instead….

I cry.

I fucking cry.

I hate this. I say I don’t want to talk about this. I’m not prepared to have this conversation. Why didn’t I just say I needed help before proceeding with the project? He tells me that if I don’t want to talk I don’t have to. I told him that I didn’t want to say because I didn’t want him to do thing about it. I can just picture him having a meeting with the guys and telling them to lay off. Yeah, that’ll work. That won’t make it weird at all. :-\

He tells me if I don’t want him to do anything about it, he won’t. And I’m feeling hopeful for the first time since the meeting started. So I wipe my eyes, clear my throat and tell him all the problems I’m having with the guys. I tell him that it’s almost silly to bring up because any one thing isn’t a big deal. So what, they made fun of the fact that I didn’t go to lunch with them because I brought my food… And they make up things that it is… tofu or tree bark… meanwhile I’m sitting here with shrimp and green beans… yeah that’s super duper weird. Heaven forbid anyone try to be healthy around here. 😐 anyway. Like I said, no one thing is worthy of writing up a report. But I work with 5 guys. Very closely. And it’s constant. It’s every day. All day. I’m annoyed. And tired of it. They don’t understand why I’ve been so quiet lately. They don’t get it. And I’ve snapped at them before. I’ve gotten verbally upset with them. I’ve put on my headphones mid conversation. I’ve never flat out ignored people before these guys. I’m not NOT letting them know how they make me feel. I’ve stopped being subtle awhile ago.

So yeah, I’m not motivated. And when I do come to a place in my work that I need help I take a few extra days before reaching out. I use to open up to these guys. I use to consider them friends. And honestly they are good guys. They think they are cute and having a good time. Picking on a little sister or maybe bad flirting. Idk. But I’m way over it. It’s not motivating. No. I’m not doing my job well. I hate it. I’m worn out.

I tell him all this. And he see’s my point of view perfectly. He’s apologetic. And he’s making me feel like I did a good thing by telling him. He says he understands that I don’t want to work here any more. (I didn’t tell him I had a plan to exit the company, just that I didn’t know what to do and didn’t want to work in corporate with men ever again.) He even told me to keep him updated on what I plan on doing. That he knows a lot of people. He can ask around at church for other options for me. HOW SWEET IS THAT!? He also says that he’d hate to lose me. That he’ll try to think of ways of getting around this. He knows and agrees with me that if he brought this up to the guys they would ostracize me. It would only make it worse. I try to portray that I want a relationship with them. I just NEED them to have boundaries. But I truly don’t see them understanding this. He agrees.

We end the meeting. No resolution. No plan. But understanding. I’m happier than I expected to unload on him.

a new direction

March 7, 2017

I’ve been miserable at my job for years now. Basically ever since I’ve been divorced. Let’s not chit chat about coincidences, k? I’ve been slowly thinking about getting out of this work place for 3 years. I’ve been thinking about getting out of IT for the last year. And I’ve only just discovered the path I’d like to be on just in that past few months.

And even then, there’s a few options I’m hung up on.

Basically I’d like to work in the health and fitness community. I don’t necessarily think I want to be a trainer. I could do that. I love coaching, or at least I’ve loved the little experiences I’ve gotten with coaching. But I don’t think that anyone would want a 150 pound, very average looking girl as a trainer. Won’t they prefer someone with a body they envy? IDK. That’s my line of thinking.

But as I was researching other options… the options that focus more on the diet part of lifestyle changes. I found a program called “Become a health coach.” As I read through the descriptions I fell in love with the job.

This is a focus on habit change. This is facilitating sustainable life changes that lend toward a healthier lifestyle. I CAN DO THIS! Inspiring people is one of my favorite things. And if I do say so myself it’s a gift I have. I could be the accountability and mentor anyone needs to reach their goals. I won’t be a quick fix. I’m going to be the type of change for someone that when you look back 5 years you can’t believe how far you’ve come. Not because some sprint to a finish line, but these people won’t even recognize the person they were years ago because of all the positive changes they’ve made. Not necessarily in the mirror (but that too!), but in the kitchen, at the grocery store, and in their life. I WANT TO DO THIS!

I’d love to get this education then add on to it. Personal training. Crossfit certification. So many other certification that are diet related. For food allergies. For specific diets like paleo and vegetarian. I would love this.

Anyway… This has been on my mind for a bit. I feel like its perfect and I feel like it’s time.

So the original plan was to keep my job in this corporate IT world as I school… Perfect plan right? Make money while I learn to make money another way. Sure, I’ll be taking a pay cut. I’ll be starting over. It’ll be a journey for sure. Good, bad, and ugly…

But as best laid plans go… kinks in the road happen…

lucky gal

March 2, 2017

Things with M are going really well. We even made our relationship facebook official. WHAT!??! Yes, you read that right. Lol… We live in a strange era, don’t we? I’ve only been fb official with Andy since my divorce.

He fights his demons daily. He has so much going on in that head of his. He has depression. It’s genetic. His mom… He always looks at her and it makes him feel even worse because he knows there’s not an end to it. It’s still her demon. It’ll be his too still in 20 years. It just is. I hate this for him. He tries so hard. But depression and anxiety have been a cause of so many of our issues. The first time around and now… but more because the baggage we created the last go around.

For instance, he broke up with me before saying that he was in so so deep into the depression that he didn’t want to take me down too. I deserved more. He walked away. So anytime this comes up now… any bad moment I see rearing it’s ugly head I am terrified he will make this same decision. I no longer feel like I’m just waiting for the end. I know he is working. Fighting to live a normal life and love me through it. But in those bad moments when I can’t see, touch, or hold him I hear that ghost of our past tapping on my brain. I brace myself. But I know he’s working on it. I am gaining more and more faith and trust that this won’t be what ends us. But… baggage is a bitch.

He’s so good at surprises and gifts. He’s so good with physcial contact. He’s so good with the words he gives me. I feel so so lucky. He is so wrapped around me its incredible. I’ve never had someone that needed me on this level. It’s one of those things I always thought was unhealthy, but this doesn’t feel unhealthy. It feels like a partnership. A true partnership with two sides equally leaning on each other. I love that.

I’m so happy to commit to him. And that’s not something that comes easy. I was definitely there with mitch too, but everyone else… that commitment is hard to jump into. I’m such a damn flirt and so addicted to attention. But this man… He gives me all of his attention and everything else in his being.

Feels good. 🙂

Gimme equal pay, but lemme where some stilettos, k?

February 13, 2017

ok so… I got some thoughts going on in my head. I’m not sure it’s linear enough for a blog post. I’m all over the place. There’s a central theme, but, well… You’ll see if you can handle the ramble.

Feminism vs anti-feminism?

I just tried to google the opposite of feminism and really there isn’t a word.

Misogyny isn’t necessarily the opposite. Obviously you can’t be misogynistic and a feminist… but being anti feminism doesn’t necessarily mean something as malicious as misogyny, right?

I feel like I fit somewhere in between (not between misogyny and feminism, but feminism vs anti-feminism). I believe in a balance. I believe in the Ying-Yang of life and the universe. But I also think women can do it all… within the biological realm of reality anyway.

So…

When I’m at work I want to be treated equally. Same pay and compensation. Same expectations and repercussions. I NEED my male co-workers to see me on an equal level. I need them to not crack comments about my mood and hormones. I need them to not ask me to coordinate the baby shower next month. I need them to feel like they can come to me for work advice because I’m just as good as the next guy. All these things are the not the case and it drives me insane. Working in a male dominated field isn’t the most zen experience of my life. These guys don’t even hear anything wrong with the things they say! Open your ears! I could go on and on about what these guys think are okay. I MEAN ON AND ON AND ON FEMALE-HORMONE-RANT STYLE…. 😐 hm.

Then there’s that… I am female. And I do have to deal with hormones on a monthly basis. And guess what? Those males I work with, they have to deal with me during those times too. And it’s a true statement to say that hormones effect my mood. And sometimes very drastically so. It’s not something I can help too much. This is a fact of life. No amount of feminism is going to undo do the fact that the chemistry in my body is reeking havoc on almost all function of my body. IT. JUST. IS. Women ARE different. So when I storm out because some fucking fuck face says something misogynistic about lipstick and credit cards in my purse because I JUST CAN’T handle stupid shitty comments like that they are most certainly not wrong about it being my time of the month. GRRR. What do we do with those moments, feminists??? How could I possibly combat that??? lol I mean, when I flip out over a misogynistic comment because my hormones won’t allow me to smile and nod and maybe even retort with something flippantly witty…? It’s comical, right? Well, it’s comical in 4 to 7 days, anyway….

But… I want to be a girl. I want to be treated like something special. I want to feel the protection a man can provide. I want to be able to hand a jar of pickles over to a man to muscle that sunuvabish open. Just like I want to be someone a guy can lean on for support. I want to be that safe place a man can come and crumble upon because he knows the massive amount of respect I have for him and the amount of warm, soft, feminine comfort I have waiting for him to crash into. I want to fill in his gaps and I want my gaps to be filled (sexually and otherwise – ba dum chhhh). I want to be the ying to his yang. I want to flow together so well we are better than two puzzle pieces… Like oil and water coming together with perfect, visible seems. Touching each other whole-y, but both very separate and different. You can see one. You can see the other. They are very distinct.

When it comes to significant others and their roles in the household I think that should just be something agreed upon between the two. When I was married, I was happy to do dishes if I didn’t have to mow the lawn. I’m okay with that trade off of responsibilities. My ex husband HATED laundry but didn’t mind vacuuming the stairs, which i hated! He liked to fix things and he liked to make things look better. I’m bad at it, so I was happy to have him use tools that I wasn’t comfortable using and making things look good because he had the better decorative eye. When he took on special tasks like cleaning the garage I didn’t mind taking on a larger load in the house. I’d much rather be in the comfort of the AC.

So here I am. I strongly feel my feelings and opinions and beliefs and preferences should be considered AND VALUED. But I’m not going to be weird when I’m cooking dinner for 2. And I want to be your princess too.

Okay… another HUGE ASPECT THAT PROMPTED THIS WHOLE TRAIN OF THOUGHT TODAY:

Where’s the line at work? Where’s the line in my brain? I LOVE to wear a skirt and high heels. It makes me good about myself. I love feeling sexy. I don’t know of a single thing I can do that delivers the same feeling. I can’t quite put my finger on it. I don’t do it because I want some man to undress me with his eyes, or admire me walking down the hallway, or for someone else’s pleasure. I don’t think. Is that denial? I hope not. I love how I feel when I think I look sexy. If I leave the house and I don’t feel cute, I don’t have a good day. Period. End of discussion. My day is shitty. My self confidence: tanked. My body image: poor.

So how does feminism come into play there? Am I anti-feminist because I enjoy feeling sexy and powerful purely by the clothes I wear and the body under them?? What’s that about? Gimme equal pay, but lemme where some stilettos, k? I don’t know.

Last tangent, swear: Interesting offshoot about women in corporate environments. The ones that dress sexy or dress flattering for their figure always look younger at older ages. The women in heels and a skirt… they look 20 years younger than those women that wear the frumpy slacks. Whats that about? Why are those types of women more likely to take care of themselves in other ways? Is it just our vanity? But is it vanity or healthy pride? Are the other women just choosing other values and other things that make them feel good? I’m sure that’s what it is. They have a different priority list and their clothes choice just isn’t there. But then neither is their health…. I don’t know. Major ramble at this point.

I think I’ll wrap that up here.

Hope everyone has a great week! Happy Monday!

random post-coffeine inspiration

February 3, 2017

When things are bad we can’t wait for them to end. I mean, duh. Who wants to be in a bad situation. It’s intuitive. Barely worth mentioning. Like, I’ve just wasted 10 seconds of your life.

This morning I was drinking an extra yummy cup of coffee. I don’t drink coffee much any more and so I drank it with extra appreciation. But something happened half way through the cup. I started getting sad that it was going to end so soon. It was A FANTASTIC CUP OF COFFEE. I loved EVERY SINGLE SIP. But here I was unable to fully enjoy this AMAZING cup of coffee because it was sooooo good I never wanted it to end.

Is it worth having something so good if halfway through it I swing as low as I was high from the coffee? It’s kind of a roller coaster, right, when we get something that’s too good? Like kids on Christmas morning crying after they open their last gift. What happened to the joy of opening the other gifts? Is it worth all the excitement and joy from opening SO MANY AMAZING GIFTS?

We humans are so weird. We fight contentment. In fact, being content is almost a bad word. Like, if we aren’t feeling some discord then we must not be working hard enough or life isn’t good enough. “No pain no gain.” Maybe those cliches are just so we don’t throw huge pity parties for ourselves… Or maybe those cliches simply exist so we can tell that to someone else throwing a pity party. I don’t know. Did I just change the subject? Oh yeah, here’s where I was going:

So we fight bad times and times of contentment, but then when we get something too good we mourn it prematurely… All things for a season right? If the bad times are a phase, so are the good times, right? But maybe that’t just another cliche… so we have words of comfort.

Yeah, humans are weird.

Anyway… that’s enough of that. Have a happy friday, all!

m is back – 2

January 19, 2017

Every fiber of my being was aware that he was back. WE WERE IN THE SAME STATE AGAIN! I was trying to play it cool. I was dating the other guy… and m was bad for me right? He left, right?

He asked to see me immediately. I said yes. Immediately. I can’t not run to this man. I don’t think I’d ever make this man want for anything if I could possibly deliver.

I saw him. I smiled. I hugged him. We chatted for a few minutes. I welcomed him home.

It was short. As I walked away I couldn’t stop smiling. Ear to ear! Then WAM! It hit me. HOLY SHIT I STILL LOVE THIS MAN! How did I NOT see that.

I had to remind myself all the reasons why he was a bad idea. He drank too much. Way too depressed to function. He was emotionally stunted. He couldn’t face any emotion he had: good, bad, or ugly. He just shut down in the face of feelings. This is the same boy that broke up with me after one of the most phenomenal weekends of my life! We had so much fun together. Definitely the best weekend we had. BY FAR! And because of that he broke it off.

He did the “noble thing” and did it because he was going to drag me down. His depression stemmed from a very very very deep place. He has the worst view of himself. Not to mention it all started with a specific event that he will never ever forgive himself for. Because of that he will never feel worthy of love. 😦 It’s awful. It’s heartbreaking.

So here I am running all these things in my head and all I can do is smile because… LOVE. What a damn girl.

Over the next few weeks he pours everything out to me. How he wished he hadn’t left. How I was the best thing thats ever been in his life. How he will spend as long as it takes to win me back. That he was put on this planet for me. And me for him.

Who did he become??? Already something was different. This man wasn’t the type to pour out his heart like this. The change was already enough to make me give him a shot again. But I waited. I needed to see something… I wasn’t sure for what tho.

But it became clear very quickly what I was waiting on. A promise to make us different than it was. But it wasn’t something words could’ve resolved for me.

Turns out he started taking medication for the depression. I was stoked to find that out. He didn’t want to “lower” himself to that before. But this guy is why these type of pills were created! For that person that just can’t find that chemical balance the rest of us kind of have naturally.

He joined a gym! This guy use to be way too self conscious for a gym before! I mean… he’s self conscious still but my point is that he is overcoming it! He’s going despite himself. That is HUGE for this guy.

He even told me he’s been praying and working on doing more of it… this is a show stopper! WHAT!!??!

He was fighting for me. As if I needed half of this with all the other feelings I have for him. I couldn’t believe the changes I was seeing in him. I’ve not experienced this much joy over something in my life I think.

I pretty quickly detached from that one guy. I say quickly… I took a few weeks doing it… and they were a LOOOOOONG couple of weeks. I wanted to be with m so badly, but I didn’t want there to be any physical overlap. Both guys deserved way better than that. It felt like forever.

m is back

January 13, 2017

Meanwhile…

M moved back to town. He left to take a job back home in North Carolina. He wanted to be near his brother. Who can fault him for that.

I dated m about a year and a half ago. Or should I say that’s when he broke up with me. Gah, that was hard. But he couldn’t wait to move back to NC so badly he was unwilling to continue “us”. It makes sense. But there was so much more to it in my heart than that.

His words said he didn’t want me and his actions said he did. He would list off reasons why he wasn’t good for me then show up at my door just for a hug.

He had red flags coming out the ass. He drank a lot and was in a horrible state of depression. It was hard. But there was so much more to him that drew me in. My own brand of magnet.

But it was one of those relationships you knew you were waiting on the end. It was coming. But you had to see it through. He broke my heart. He is the reason why I decided to pursue my kink instead of a relationship a year and half ago. My heart was a mess, but it left the perfect soil for my subbie/masochist to grow.

I knew he was coming back for about a month. And my brain shut down every time I thought of it. I was literally on the verge of a panic attack each time I thought of it. I didn’t know why. I didn’t understand what my body was communicating to me. I just knew that it effected me in a big way.

I would talk to m ever so often. He’d text or call. Every once in a while he’d say he missed me and wished he hadn’t let me go. I chalked it up to him being lonely or regretting the decision to leave this state. I didn’t know. I did know I couldn’t afford to believe him. For the last year and half I’ve finally decided that I was over it. I decided he really was no good for me. That him letting me go for “my own good” was just a cop out to “sorry, kid… i was just passing time.”

But when he got back to town he made his presence known in a big big way. He was back. And he wanted me. He missed me. He loved me. He never told me he loved me before. EVER. Who was this guy? He came back bearing his soul and his soul wanted me.

I wasn’t sure about any of my feelings… was confused about the borderline panic attacks until I saw him again for the first time…

that one guy

January 12, 2017

 

So… that one guy? I’ve been trying to break up with him for a few weeks now. We’ll have a conversation about how I’m not feeling it and that I’m ready to call it quits and he jumps into begging mode. Seriously, last Sunday we had a 3 hour argument that I ended with, “I can’t have this conversation anymore. I need to break for food.”

To say that threw me off the first time (the whole begging thing) would be an understatement. Most of the time I was with this guy I could barely tell if he liked me. In fact, I asked him that several times in the beginning saying things like, “If you aren’t feeling this then we can walk away now. No hard feelings.” But he assured me each time he just had a slightly different time line than i was use to. Okay. Fine. But… 6 months later and I still feel like an after thought most days? Yes. He did jump in pretty fiercely after the hospital thing, but that’s plain and simple because he had nothing else going on. As soon as something popped up, he was gone. And asking if he could come over past 10pm… I don’t like that. Gimme more than bedtime. It’s not acceptable to make plans with me only to break them because the guys are watching the game. Go watch the game. That’s not the problem. But don’t break plans with me to do it. That sucks.

Anyway… didn’t expect him to hold on. He’s in some kind of denial. But even now the only thing we talk about when he texts (which are becoming fewer and fewer so maybe he is catching on) is him having a head cold and how his drainage is causing a tummy ache and dry heaving…. It’s hard to feel bad when I know he’s being a big weenie. I’ve seen him “sick”. He’s a man-baby. Bet if volley ball season was still on he’d play… but because he’s free then he’s sick. Pfft. Pass.

Mean while… (to be continued)

hospital part 4

December 27, 2016

So, Tuesday Morning I was home by 10am!

Thank you thank you thank you! I was still so weak and so sore. I basically just
got into bed and chilled there the rest of the week. A few noteworthy things that
happened over the course of my hospital stay.

My ex-husband was around A LOT. And he’s the sweetest person. Him and his family
are givers. Most generous bunch you’ll ever meet. They are like that with
EVERYONE. There’s zero discrimination. People they just met, people they’ve known
forever. The bum on the side of the highway. The waitress that “must be having a
bad day.” Everyone. My ex brought me a goody bag of things. Christmas socks that
were the softest I’ve ever felt. Headbands for my gross hair I didn’t have the
energy to wash. He brought me his ipad to use. Chap stick… just because. He
stayed with me one afternoon. Held my hand. I NEEDED my hand held. I was in pain
and I was scared. It felt nice. His family even sent me flowers.

Also, the guy I’m seeing was out of town with his family. He was suppose to come
back on Friday. But Friday turned into Sunday. He got into town early afternoon.
He was going to come see me, but he came home to cat puke on his bed. Okay. Sure.
Clean your bed. Well then West World was on. Um… sure. Whatever. My other
friends were there. I didn’t need his company. Just wanted to see him. He finally showed up around 9:30pm. He was proud of himself for inconveniencing himself with a hospital trip. Sigh.

My mom was quick to point out the difference in the two men. She even said something about remarrying my ex… and things happening for a reason… and blah blah blah. I can’t even sometimes. It was very nice having someone do special things for me and to help me in a time of need. Very nice. But remarry nice? I mean… come on… let’s not rush ourselves. But, honestly… it was really hard not to think about that. Really hard. I’ve done a really good job not comparing people to my ex up until this point.

Plus the other guy… he may just not be good at comforting or know how to deal with sickness. It’s a gift that not everyone has. Sickness is an inconvenience more than anything. Sigh… whatever. Blah blah blah. Excuses excuses excuses.

But in his defense he ended up coming in after work on Monday and staying all evening. My other friends came too. We pretty much had a party in my room. I’m sure the nurses LOVED that. Too bad I was only on Tylenol by then. 🙂 I really am lucky to have such great people in my life.

hospital part 3

December 27, 2016

Over the next few days I needed help getting out of bed. I didn’t eat for 2 full
days…. if you know me you know this is a huge indicator of illness. I’m the kind
of girl that binge eats even with the stomach flu. I’m all about some food. I am
an addict…

And food was not an option. Even with pain meds I couldn’t. Not only was it a bad
idea I was terrified of food. How could food betray me like this. What else was it
capable of??!

I’d take a few sips of clear fluids… that’s about it. I was hooked up to an IV
drip so I knew I wasn’t going to dehydrate to death and as far as I was concerned
that’s the most I needed til my tummy sorted itself out.

I felt like I had been doing crunches and leg lifts and knee raises for 24 hours
straight. Everything inside me was swollen. It hurt so badly. Dilauded was an
around the clock event for me. I couldn’t sleep for longer than 4 hours straight
because I would wake up in pain. With the help of the antibiotics my white blood
cell count got within normal range in about 48 hours.

At this point I started feeling a lot better. I was still weak and I was still
unable to eat but I was finally able to take in my surroundings. I started to loathe
peeing in a toilet that had a pee catcher in it. It was cold and wet and sitting
on it felt disgusting. I started smelling like the hospital. I was ready to not be
here any more.

As my friends were getting back into town from their thanksgiving breaks they came
to see me. I am so blessed to have such a great solid foundation of family and
friends. The second night I was there my sister stayed with me, and my brother
stayed the following night. I gave everyone the night off for my final night as I
was able to do things by myself again. Turned out to be a bit too ambitious, but I got through it.

I asked to go home after my third night and the doctors basically told me to shut
up, sit back, and be a patient. I was “very sick”. Oh yeah. I forgot. I mean I
knew I didn’t feel normal. And I knew there was pain… but I forgot that the
hospital was where I NEEDED to be. It’s humbling and weird being the patient…
Like, why all the fuss over little ole me? Oh yeah, I’m sick. Why was denial such a real thing here?

But since I expressed my desire to go home the doctor switched me to all oral meds instead of IV meds and took away my iv pain meds too. Shucks! But It was worth it to get out of that place! So from then on it was just Tylenol. Which by far wasn’t enough but I was determined. If that went well for the next 24 hours I could go home.