Archive for the ‘workout’ Category

week ???

October 11, 2016

I have no idea where I am in this whole weight loss challenge. I do know that I’m JUST NOW under 160. That took for friggin ever! My birthday really threw in a rough kink. I swear it was the birthday that never ended. I had so many dinners and lunches and celebrations. Gah! It was awesome! But impossible to stay on track.

So the scale isn’t budging much, but holy cow! My clothes. The mirror. They don’t lie. INCHES INCHES INCHES. I feel amazing.

This is by far the longest I’ve been this consistent. I’ve meal prepped so much in the last 3 months. It’s insane.

For the first 5 or 6 weeks I didn’t struggle much with my binge eating. But after that it’s been so so tough. I know that a lot of that has to do with my birthday and making so many exceptions. Once you have the bad things in your veins that is ALL you want. And ALL you think about. And when the craving hits…. game over. It’s been rough.

Everything in the gym has improvemed. I ABSOLUTELY love it. The feeling is beyond what I ever expected.

I have good brain days and bad brain days. But the fact that I have a few skinny brain days cropping up is such an awesome gift and such a telling side effect.

So while I won’t make any money off this weight loss challenge, I’ve definitely made some great mental strides here and very evident physical ones. I wore a bathing suit this weekend (too cold to swim but perfect for poolside reading in the sun!) that I’ve put on twice this summer and promptly took off. I put it on this weekend and didn’t feel compelled to jump out of it! I even got a compliment from my brother. MY BROTHER! A brother compliment!!!! WHAT?!?!

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Inspiration hits!

September 2, 2016

Plan for the next few weeks:

  • Start weaning off coffee… I know I know… big deal, right?!?!? I’m converting to tea! Well, maybe. WE SHALL SEE!! Hoping this helps my terrible sleeping problem.
  • Add 2 days of cardio to my routine per week.
  • Start a 3 day strength cycle of cleans, squats, and snatches (power lifting) on top of my workout routine. Time to get heavy and make some gainz!
  • Follow up on a resume I submitted for a bakery manager position. Time to get career/life focused on what I REALLY want to do.

I’m not sure why this vacation energized me to get some shit straight and make some improvements. BUT I FEEL SOOOOO READY!

Week 2

August 1, 2016

Week 1 went well enough. There were several events that I blew the diet. But I worked out 6 days out of 7. I’m really going to have to learn how to keep my social life and not over do it. It’ll take practice. I’m up for the challenge. 

I’m more than prepared for this week. I prepped every meal for the entire week yesterday. Took about 3 and half hours if you include the grocery trip. 1200 calories every day of mostly clean and high quality food. The most I’ll have to do is grill some shrimp for a few dinners to throw in with my spaghetti squash. But that takes no time at all!

I’m proud and pumped. Ready to kick week 2’s ass!

BAM!!

week 1

July 26, 2016

I keep getting that feeling in my forearms today. That rejected feeling. It kind of moves in a swirling pattern. I don’t know why my emotions can’t recover. They just plain can’t. I have great moments. Moments I don’t think about the sadness. And moments where I’m enjoying the now and the people around me. But this cloud is hovering still.

I’m starting a new weight loss journey today. Something a bit more focused than the moderation i’ve been doing lately. I mean, i’ve been doing moderate extremely well. I was very forgiving of myself. I had pizza and cheese dip and beer. But i’d also prep food for several days of clean eating.

I need more tho. It’s not enough. It’s time to get to my goal. It truly is. I’ve spent 7 years now sitting in a better position and in better health than previously but it’s time to take it all the way. Take it to the ideal. To my ideal.

I’ve come into an interesting situation. I have a person in my life that has seen my struggle for years. My day to day battle with emotional eating and working out a shit ton. And always coming up even. They have made me an offer I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT REFUSE.

If I front $200 then in 17 weeks time if I lose 30 pounds I will receive $1000. I think it’s brilliant. I need to lose 1.8 pounds per week to do this. I have to be consistent for 3 full months. I’m dreading all those binge-ful moments where I have to confront so many demons versus literally stuffing them down with food. I’m scared that this motivation won’t be enough. I’m scared.

But I think if I remain patient with myself while also having a sense of urgency with each food decision I make then I can do this. If I don’t do it this time then I can’t see myself ever doing it. I work really hard to always go backwards. Really hard. It’s quite depressing what I could’ve accomplished with all that effort without the backsliding.

I’m going to try to do this. Week 1 starts today. Each Monday in my calendar has a new number that I should weigh that day if I want to stay on track. My hope is that the beginning goes a bit quicker than the pace I’ve set out so that towards the end, when I’m down to those vanity pounds, I can put the same kind of effort in with enough results to make it.

So while I’m really sad and feeling very refected today by the world I’m also hopeful. I’m also grateful for a focus. Let’s see what happens.

7/26/16 167.8lbs

cheese dip and workouts

April 4, 2016

I just had my yearly review. I’ve been anxious about it for a week now. So so so anxious. It went fine. Nothing unexpected happened or was said.

But the anxiousness leaves me hungry. I’m starving! Emotional hunger is so so real. I can’t believe how real it feels some times.

I know its not real because the only thing that would satisfy this hunger is cheese dip and chips. That’s all I can think about right now. It’s an hour and 10 minutes until my lunch break. I’ve got to figure a healthy way to curb this, but no resolution is coming to mind.

That’s a lie.

I just keep diverting my attention back to cheese dip.

I’ve got a very rigorous workout schedule planned for this week. I’m keenly aware of the fact that I’m pushing it to the point that I can’t lie to myself about the healthiness of it.

I’m rationalizing the fuck out of all of it! It’s insane.

I’ve got 6 crossfit classes planned. 2 of those are AM sessions. I need to add in some long rows after class too. One treadmill interval workout. And a bike ride or two. Also, going to the driving range with mitch… but that one barely counts.

See it’s not THAT crazy. Nah. It’s fine. I’ll be fine. I’ll be super sore by Wednesday, but don’t worry, I’ll eat plenty. :-\

a clean break

March 17, 2016

I haven’t heard from A since the break up phone call last Sunday. Nothing. The phone call went smoothly. A break up phone call should never be labeled “smooth”, right? He didn’t argue. He apologized and let me go.

It’s hard for me not to think that maybe he wanted me to do it. But I don’t want to give you the wrong idea. I’m not sitting over here overthinking my decision. In fact, the very fact that I haven’t heard from him only solidifies my decision even more.

I’m not sad. I don’t miss him. I guess my heart knew it was coming. My head is running the show and I’m not experiencing any hiccup. Monday I was a little blue. But by Tuesday I was… normal.

In fact, I’m quite centered this week. I’ve had a few really good workouts. My eating has been quite under control. No binges. No mind consuming, urgent cravings that I have to satiate.

The weather has been amazing this week. I can’t wait to get my road bike out and hit the trail tomorrow! I think mitch is coming. ­čÖé

I feel good about me. All week I’ve quite enjoy what I look at in the mirror. It’s a weird consistent loving of myself that I haven’t experienced often in my lifetime. 4 days of positive self thought?! Unimaginable!

My workouts have been GREAT! I am back in the full swing of crossfit after being disengaged from it for a full year. I love lifting heavy weights and feeling confident with the barbell. I workout with a lot of newbies and while I’m not where I was when I quit, I’m still ahead of them. But only in confidence. I mean, do I have more on the bar than them? Yes. But it isn’t their strength in the way. They’ll get there! I got there. I really really enjoy coaching them in the gym. I know I’m not certified or whatever, but I can offer tiny ques that help A LOT. It’s awesome seeing that light bulb go off for some! I love that!

You know what’s funny? I’m not over thinking the fact that he hasn’t reached out. I’m over thinking the fact that I’m so dang happy this week! How long was I needing to end this?! When was when? I didn’t see it I guess. I know that I almost did it several weeks back, but I wonder when it stopped being fun and started hurting my confidence. I truly didn’t feel like he wanted me nor did he offer up any evidence that I was priority in his life. Gosh, that is awful! Even tho it would’ve been nice to feel fought for I like what a clean break perspective can offer.

mirror therapy

February 15, 2016

I have this big-ass mirror in my living room…. it’s just propped up on the biggest empty wall in my apartment. I knew that I wanted the mirror when I got my divorce, but turns out a small 1 bedroom apartment doesn’t accommodate such large items. But I couldn’t lose my ability to see my hair and shoes in the same frame – a girl needs these things. So it just sits there. As soon as I enter my apartment it greets me, sometimes before my dog does. I walk by it several times a day.

Some days this isn’t an easy thing to live with. But sometimes I’m pleasantly surprised by my reflection. I started to wonder if it was becoming detrimental to my self image recently. But one day I had a revelation…

I took off my clothes and sat right there in the middle of my living room in front of my big-ass mirror – as I affectionately call it.

At first I zoned in on my “problem areas”. Hate. hate. hate. I suck. I’m ugly. I can’t fix it. I’ve tried. Ain’t never gonna happen. My obsession is in my mid section. I have this huge inner tube that I swear is the first and only thing that anyone can possibly notice. If they somehow do get past that I’ve got this red birthmark on my right cheek. No, I am not over heated; no, I do not have Rosacea; no, (this one is my favorite) I did not get punched; and no, I am not effing blushing! Thank you!

I continued to sit. And look.

I don’t know how long it took, but I started to separate from the image in the mirror. I became a third party spectator. And you know what? Nothing was that bad. In fact, there were a lot of redeeming qualities there. I have great legs on anyone’s standards. Thick thighs… well, that doesn’t seem too un-sexy… I can totally see how they’d be preferable. That mid section…. it’s not THAT gigantic. It’s not… the only thing that exists in this image. And holy shit, I have great complexion. Every other inch of my face is porcelain-like… I mean… pale? Maybe – but not in a sick way. Could I use some sun? Always. But, the complexion is undeniably enviable.

I reached for my phone. I know, I know, In this day and age reaching for a camera is nothing special. But for me to even humor the idea of a naked picture?! And I don’t mean a pic you take to send to someone that asks or anything to do with sexuality in any form, but a pic just to admire yourself….? That’s different. Now, I’m not saying I took the pics, admired, saved, and shared. No, I didn’t even save them. I looked. I did admire. I liked what I saw. It wasn’t ugly. I didn’t stop at the terrible spots on my body and dwell. I simply looked and didn’t hate myself! I more than didn’t hate it. I was more than accepting of it. I liked it. It was a positive feeling. Not just neutral!

I wish I could say that I left that moment and I was cured of wherever I normally land on the body dysmorphic disorder spectrum… No, I left that moment and it didn’t take long for my insecurities to come rushing back. The self doubt, the self hate, the self dwelling on “bad” body parts. But…

Mirror Therapy. I’m making it a thing. I’m going to track the long term effects. I’m going to see if I can take those moments of clarity and see if I can’t transcend them to my every day ideas of myself for longer and longer periods of time.

tetris

October 30, 2015

Normally there’s a few days of hormonal catastrophe in my brain and body every month. Usually it manifests itself in a few ways, but always the same order. A┬áday of a manic high and a day or two of deep sadness and disconnectedness. Everything in life sucks and should be changed. IMMEDIATELY. These are the days I cry in my cube and all my male co-workers are cringing and wondering what to do. I have written on my calendar before (because I can predict which day will be the worst – thank you 28 day oral contraceptive) to not make any decisions on this day. Just don’t. Because I would change everything. Job, living situation, relationships with people. This is the only time I argue with co-workers too… unwarranted… well, slightly warranted. I still need SOME┬áprovocation.

Anyway… this month I am too high on life to dip into something sad. Instead it manifested in anxiety. I had to calm my nerves about EVERYTHING. My schedule. My exercise routines. My diet. My lack of diet. My bank account. I had things planned for every day this week. I usually do this. And I like it this way. I’ll go out with friends. I’ll spend a little here. a little there. This is routine. I live fine this way. Basically, this is no different from normal. But I freaked out about how I was spending SO MUCH. AND EATING TOO MUCH. AND OMG I NEED A WORKOUT! And isn’t it time to put in a 60 day notice if I need to find a new place if I can’t secure the same rate for rent? I knew that come January my rent was going up by $200. This was FOR SURE a stress point. I hated the thought of moving. But I HATED the thought of spending SO MUCH MONEY ON MY RENT!

Tuesday: I got a great workout in. I decided last week I was going to start a new Strength training routine and some HIIT on the treadmill. And it was a fantastic workout. Kicked some serious ass. (still anxious) Then I showered and met up with my good friend for our annual haunted houses together. We met for drinks (ugh calories) first and he said, “Hey, I forgot I owe you some cash for that event you paid for last month.” OH YEAH! So not only did he buy my drinks, he bought me my haunted house entry fees for the night. SCORE! (still anxious)

Wednesday: I went home to cook up some lunch because a) fewer calories that way. b) less money that way. I came home to a note on my door that was offering a Thanksgiving special on my rent. If I re-upped my lease by November 15 I could secure my current rate. HALLELUJAH! (way less anxious!!!)

Thursday: I have a friend that I ALWAYS see scary movies with. And specifically we have watched every single paranormal activity together in theater. So naturally, we HAD to see the fourth one. Tradition is to get food and beer before hand. She can’t handle the scary without the beer. So I’m still anxious about eating too much, and drinking my calories, and paying for the whole night. She ended up inviting her new boyfriend…. who apparently wants to be her sugar daddy. Ha. Congrats to her, right? Anyway. She asked if I wanted to split a meal. YES! (half the calories, big big fan) A N D her boyfriend picked up the check!

After all that all I paid for all week was 1 movie ticket. I literally swiped my debit card once this week. Anxiety GONE! Everything felt all lined up this week. I like to think I work my calendar like Tetris. It’s probably some weird control issue I have. But also, we have a God that likes to play Tetris too. Sometimes things just line up so dang perfectly!

Happy Friday, all!

Early morning yoga sesh

August 5, 2015

Now, I’m a complete social yogi. I usually only do it if my friends are doing it. I’m not gonna savasana on my own or meditate or whatever in the center of my living room. Do people do that? But I do know I love hot yoga at this particular studio. So when plotting out my workouts for the week I decided it was time to cash in that 4-yoga-sessions package I bought last month.

First off, I stick out like a sore thumb:

  • I’m 165lbs… so next to these sticks… I clearly don’t belong.
  • I’m in a t-shirt… this is of course due to my weight… the cute sports bras looks great on their 115 (or less!!!) pound frame, but if *I* don’t even wanna look at this mid-section….??? You. are. welcome.
  • I don’t know the appropriate names of the poses… so I’m the only one “breaking my flow” to try to figure out what the heck I’m doing!!!! Some times I get an instructor that isn’t so jargon-y and I can follow just fine, but that’s what it takes at this point.
  • I don’t know how to flow with my breathing… its something I wanna get more in-tuned to. After all, this IS yoga.
  • My “practice” doesn’t include anything fancy so when they say “Now, you can stay here or if ____ is included in your practice….” That’s my cue to STAY THERE! So I do that for several deep breaths and occasionally if even that gets lengthy I’ll get into child’s pose…. while of course the rest of the class twists and turns and finesse-ly balances on 2 tiny points of contact.
  • I’m the one taking breaks to wipe off my face. It was a hot yoga class, which i absolutely love, but I’m sweating more than the rest of these people combined!!!!!! Another reason I need the t-shirt. More material to sop that shit up. Maybe I need wrists bands and head bands? lol I’d really stick out then! But how can anyone be expected to balance in any way if their hands keep sliding from the puddles of sweat that fall on the mat?!?! Is no one else having this issue?? I look around and these people are calm, cool, collected, and merely glistening…. I’ll never be that girl. Sigh.

But!!! I do have a few redeeming qualities that help me actually enjoy it:

  • I’m naturally pretty dang flexible.
  • I’ve got great posture and back alignment awareness.
  • My legs are strong (thank you crossfit)… so standing poses feel extremely strong and sturdy. Some of the only times I feel like I belong anywhere near this studio.
  • My core is strong… not expert yogi strong… not hand stand strong… but I can hang with reps and sets of whatever core workout we are incorporating.

Overall it was a great way to start my day. Love to get my sweat on.