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the shopping cart

February 11, 2018

Quick preface: I am the aunt. I’m temporarily looking after an 18 month old full time, and I get the 6 year old on the weekends. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

I use to think there were 2 kinds of people in this world. The kind of people that put up their grocery carts and the kind of people that don’t. I always thought this, and was pumped when I even read an article once! It was satisfying to have someone else (with a viral article!) that felt the same way.

What horrible creature would NOT put up their cart?! It takes no time. You prevent car dings, and if nothing else you help the staff out just a little bit. It’s the line in the sand between the considerate, good humans, and the self-centered, terrible ones, right?

I recently discovered first hand there is a third type of individual. Let’s set up the scene a bit, for those of you that are still thinking there are no excuses for not putting up the dang cart.

It was a Saturday. The night before the 18 month old slept in 2 hour increments, waking up in an explosion of tears for exactly 4 minutes each episode. Was it enough to draw me out of bed? No. But it sure as hell woke me up enough to brace myself every time. Around mid-night the 6 year old girl came crying at the foot of the bed mentioning something scary. She climbs in and takes the middle half of the bed. This bed in particular draws everything to the center. So no matter how I hold on to the edge for dear sleep it’s not happenin’. As soon as I finally secure a spot that isn’t touching her, she moves a limb as if this is her life line to have some part of my body touch her.

So here we are Saturday afternoon. Everyone is grumpy. Everyone needs sleep. Everyone wants to play, but no one wants to tolerate the other. The 6 year old doesn’t understand why the 18 month old is so cruel to have ruined her fort that she “worked so hard on”. She starts to cry. He starts to cry. Both inconsolable. My sanity is being pulled to its breaking point.

I know! We need a field trip! Distractions for everyone! And a time killer, and a to-do knocked off the list for me! She needs her hair brushed. She hates her hair brushed. More tears thru tender headed tangled tendrils. He needs a diaper change. He hates a diaper change. More tears thru a fight on the changing table. We go three full rounds, but I win. “Aha! VICTORIOUS!”

The store is 1.5 miles away, so I don’t bother packing a bag. Otherwise, that would’ve just been too much work! Also, it’s a bit drizzly out. Is it irresponsible to take kids out in the rain? But you know what would be more irresponsible. Letting me get to my breaking point and drowning too kids in the tub. So, out in the rain to the grocery store it is!

We get to the store. I put baby up front on the cart and strap him in. She stands on the back and promises not hop off. I have to enlist her help so she is actually complicit. If she doesn’t feel like an authoritative figure then she is worse than the babe. Am I an enabler to our entitled youth? Maybe. But… I’m bored to tears and NEED this outing! Priorities, people.

The baby is pleasantly curious about everything. And the kid is working so hard at holding on to the cart that the trip goes way easy! We get a few things for dinner, breakfast, and snack. We even remember the toilet paper! WOOOO! More winning!

As we are approaching the check out counter I start to feel anxiety rise. How does this normally work? Do I transfer the kids to the cart they are loading? Do I hold them/hold them still on my side of the counter? What do people normally do? I’ve never taken note of this before. This has never been my world! I approach the girl at the counter and I say, “Do I need to take him out?” Pointing at the baby. She said, “He can stay.” Phew! I tell the 6 year old she has another very important task. Stand in font of the cart making sure baby stays put. Bonus points if she makes him laugh. The transaction goes smoothly. No one is crying. No one is begging to be held. GREAT! I CAN DO THIS!

We head for the exit. Crap. The drizzling slightly intensified. Ok. We can do this. See, when I parked I parked close because of the rain. Smart, right?! So we push through. We go straight for the car at a higher speed than a sunny day would warrant. Another wave of anxiety is coming on as I’m faced with another scenario I have never thought about. Do I throw the groceries in first? Or the kids? WHAT DOES ONE DO? But my body takes over at warp speed. I throw the food in the back, along with the toilet paper. Thank goodness the 6 year old is motivated by the drizzle to figure it out on her own. I get baby strapped in. EVERYONE IS IN and everything is in too! Yes!

Crap. What about the cart? I was so worried about the kids and the rain I didn’t even think about the cart drop off, which is typically my first concern when parking at the grocery store. The cart stall is a bagillion milles away! Do I leave the kids in the car? That feels wrong. What do people do!?

I pull myself together long enough to lock the doors, and march my cart as fast as possible to the cart stall and run back to the car. It’s raining so it looks like I’m running to avoid the rain, but really I have visions of kidnapping scrolling through my mind. I get in the car. Lock the doors again. And start it up. I look back at the kids. They are doing fine. Completely calm. The complete opposite of what I’ve been doing for the past 90 seconds of panic.

We get home. No issue. We are fine. We unload the car. We? Ha! *I* unload the car. Groceries, kids, and all.

What? We only wasted an hour? Ugh.

But yeah, there’s a third type of person. The anxiety-filled, reaching-the-breaking-point caregiver in the rain. That’s the third type. Even with the best of intentions mommyhood is a legit reason to ditch the dang cart.


Dear Sir T

December 15, 2017

I know… I said a lot of good things about you in here… but this isn’t your resume. If you want to use me as a reference, have them give me a call.

life coach

December 13, 2017

I met a woman at a networking event that is a life coach. She is so energetic and lively. Her presence is HUGE.  I love this. She is addicting to be around. I’m borderline obsessed.

We met to hang out to get to know each other because our line of work is so similar. She asked if I could help her with a new program that she wanted to try out. I JUMPED on it. I believe in being coached. I KNOW it works. And I know how valuable it is. Hell, this is why i am a health coach. And i’m currently getting certified to be a life coach.

Anyway, after a session with her about building my business and working on my relationship with money she asked if I would be interested in exchanging services.

HELL YES! So now I am her health coach and she is my business coach. I could not be more excited about this. I am learning so much from her. Not to mention any accountability on my business is invaluable.


Trey… again

December 13, 2017

Me and trey decided to give the friends with benefits another go. The problem last time was that he wanted more… and I didn’t.

I love hanging with trey. I cannot emphasize this enough! And the sex is REALLY  good. Like, next level good… not sure how to explain it. We just fit so well in bed. And he touches me so well.

He’s so funny. And fun. We have a great time together.

I know what you are wondering here. Why not keep him???!

There is just that thing that is missing. I know me. I know that I need someone that will keep my attention even when someone with big biceps walks into a room. It sounds superficial… I just know that trey can’t keep my attention. It has nothing to do with him and his looks. Its just something is missing. That thing that makes someone more than a friend… ya know? The non-definable shit. Whatever. IDK I’m frustrated too, ok?

SO we decided to give it a go again.

And it was amazing. It really was. Sex was even better. Hanging out was even better. I even invited him to join me with some friends and stuff to hang out in public. Wha????

Then he started sighing while looking at me after sex. And i had a feeling that he was holding back them feels. He tried his damnedest to not say anything. But eventually he asked me to re-evaluate our relationship. He felt we were getting closer and that things might have changed with me. But… If i’m honest… while i do believe we did get closer, i don’t see our future any different than I saw it before.

😦 I had to break it off with him. I was just hurting him. And i don’t want to do that. I miss him tho. I like when he’s in my life. Wish we could find a better middle ground that wouldn’t make me the most selfish person on the planet.

I hope he finds someone awesome soon so i don’t feel tempted to pull him back in.

It’s time to do the blog thang again :)

November 30, 2017

You ever let too much time pass on your blog that you can’t even bear to even try to catch up your followers?

I’m there.

So… long story short. I’m single. I’m in the best place I’ve ever been in. I’m excited about whats going on now and I’m excited whats in the near future!

My business is chug chugging along. It’s slow, but it’s all mine! And I’m very excited about it. I love the clients I have right now. I can’t wait to continue to gain more and more people that I can help.

I’m a Health Coach! I help people get out of the yo-yo dieting rut and people who stay stuck in restriction mode and give them the tools they need to create healthy habits that last! No more dieting! Just being consistently better with habit changes. This is life changing and I believe in this 110%. SO SO SO good.

I’ve been learning so much about myself. You guys know, I like analyzing my past and learning myself thru it. Well the past few months has been one big gold mind of learning opportunities about myself.

Blogs soon to come.

I’m an empath??

Trey… you guys remember him?

Where I am in the bdsm scene.

I’ve hired a life coach to keep me focused on building my business! Pumped about this one!

Would you look at that… I might have the energy for the catch up game after all!

mirror work continued

October 23, 2017

I’ve been doing this, but it’s clear getting it down in my blog is just not in the cards! lol

I really really like this. I’m just not sure my clients will get into it. If it’s hard for me to stick to I don’t trust they will! Ha.

But this positive energy of love is so so good. It’s not only self love but it’s encouraging something else… whats the word… um… karmic love energy? I guess what I mean is my favorite part is the meditation. And it’s always about sending out love away from yourself. The idea there is that you send out love and it comes back to you MAGNIFIED! It’s so fun walking into a space and getting into the habit of sending out love through the room. I find that my favorite place is doing it at the gym because ITS SO BIG and has so many bodies. 🙂

So I’m still doing it. Not every day. But still trucking on. And I love it. Its just a good reminder to cast away negative and actively seek positive. And when It comes to body image specifically that is an invaluable habit to practice and cultivate.

Day 2: making your mirror your friend

October 13, 2017

SO apparently the 21 day mirror work is going to take longer than 21 days. I did this a few days ago… but didn’t journal. and Definitely didn’t do day 3 yet. So, lets record day 2.

Making your mirror your friend.

Today the exercise is looking into the mirror, breathing, looking at yourself, and saying “I love you. I really really love you”. It says to say it 100 times thru the day. I think I got to like 13. :-/

Journaling exercise:

  1. What do you want that you aren’t getting?
  2. when you were growing up, what were the rules about deserving? Did you always have to earn in order to deserve? were things taken away from you when you did wrong?
    1. this one is interesting to answer. I was 1 of 5 kids. We deserved nothing. HAHA. Seriously. When we got something out of the ordinary it was a treat. I don’t think this effected me negatively except maybe that it makes question number one hard to answer. Like… what do you want that you aren’t getting? like… what else is there? lol see! That’s why its blank.
  3. Do you feel that you deserve to live? have joy?
    1. Deserve? Have i earned life and joy? I have no friggin clue! I don’t know about deserve… but living and having joy are huge gifts from the universe that I will gladly accept to their full extent!

Heart thought for the day: I am deserving.

Oh… lol I guess the answer is I DO deserve things. lol SO my little brother was right the last time we spoke about all the wonderful :-/ guys I’ve been choosing for myself.

Mediation thought of the day: envision yourself standing in a safe place and saying that I am open and receptive – declaring what i want and what i don’t want. See myself whole and happy and healthy at peace and filled with love. Let the love go thru me and out of me and back to me.

I did this a few days ago… Every room I stepped into I sent out love. I loved it. The gym is a big room to fill! lol

We can choose to circle ourselves with hate or love in this world… why on god’s green earth would we choose hate.

“See the world becoming an incredible circle of love. And so it is.”

me and m

July 20, 2017

About a month ago my concern over m’s alcoholism hit an all time high. He stopped trying. He stopped working. He just stopped. He had more and more nights where he called a second time to say goodnight forgetting entirely that he called to tell me goodnight AN HOUR AGO! And when we went out he was consuming drinks faster and faster. I can tell the difference between someone enjoying a craft beer and a person trying to pack in as much percentage of alcohol as possible as quickly as possible. Hello! I was raised by an alcoholic father. I can pick up and tune into all the little fucking signs. All of them. I know that when you call versus text you are drinking. I know that when you say you are doing laundry, you are drinking. I know that when you say you are meeting your father for lunch you are drinking. I know how to decode a lot of this. And I also know that no matter what I know, there is always so so so much more I’m unaware of. This part was the part that worried me more than anything.

So I asked him to meet me for brunch one day. We shared a quiche at a pizza place and I explained my concerns.

In August we planned on moving in together. So the urgency of the situation was closing in on me. How can I knowingly invite that into my living space on a daily basis?

He was floored. Apparently to him this came out of nowhere. I’ll explain later why this infuriates me. But to him: he was shocked and blindsided. He had no idea how much I knew about the situation. He never once denied any of it. He was EXTREMELY receptive. He listened. And listened. And cried. And listened some more. I had a lot of words. And they couldn’t have come out more perfectly. I would never claim to be an articulate human being just like I could never claim to be a good driver. I just simply am not those things. But for some reason by whatever higher power you believe in I said everything just as I needed to say it.

It landed perfectly. At the end of this….. intervention (for lack of a better word) I told him that I needed a break. This worry and stress had climbed to a level that I needed to take a step back from. Obviously, me thinking that I could break from the stress just by breaking from him is just not how it actually works in my female brain. It’s always interesting to me the things I’m able to compartmentalize and all the things I simply cannot.

Over the next 3 weeks he sprung into clean up mode. He connected with friends he hadn’t connected with in a long time. I was concerned over the bitterness in which he spoke about his so-called friends. Something that I still don’t quite understand. But he dug in and he is actively cultivating and nurturing those friendships and new ones. I’m so damn proud of this. Like I said, I don’t understand why this is something he put on hold.

He also got a therapist. For his depression and anxiety. Part of him falling off the wagon was him getting off his anti-depressants… I know he hates the side effects, but he so desperately needs this. But at least he started the process of getting help. So he has been to exactly 1 session. We’ll see how this goes.

He started going to the gym every day. This is always something he says he is going to do. Something that he wants to do. But during our talk I spoke about howbad his follow through is. I can’t rely on him for anything he says he’ll do. He’s not a follow-through-er. And this was one area in his life that was the most obvious that he just wouldn’t follow through. So he is a regular gymmer now. I say that, 3 weeks in and he’s hitting 4 days a week. We’ll see how this goes.

He bought a kayak. He’s been talking about this for a long time. He did it. And not only did he do it he got his kayak on the lake for a solo ride. And then on top of that has gone out with his friends! The friendships that he had previously been denying. I would’ve put money on these things never happening. As in literally never.

He said the words out loud. He looked into my eyes and said “I am an alcoholic”. I had tears in my eyes instantly. Of course, he said it over a glass of wine, but he fucking said it. Holy shit. He doesn’t feel like he needs to stop drinking. He thinks that he needs to stop drinking when he’s bored or sad. Those are his “self medicating” rules/boundaries that he’s put on himself. I need him in AA. I need him 100% dry. But he isn’t there yet. Maybe… MAYBE… he can just restrict…. But…. This is text book addict verbiage. Maybe he’ll slowly crawl out of denial. I can only hope.

So, here he is… with his laundry list of things he is working on to becoming a better human. But here I am…. I’m completely underwhelmed at his strides. Why? Well, remember when I said I had something to talk about that infuriated me? Back in December when we were discussing getting back together we talked about all these things.

The drinking, the coping, the bettering himself, the gym, the attitude, the depression, the pills… We spoke about all these things. He spoke of them so clearly. He made this list himself. All the things that had to be different in his life if me and him were going to work. So… how long did all that last? A few months. He tried a solid 2 months before I started to see and feel the slipping. Me and him connect so well when he is working on things. He’s so open with me. He talks about all his shit. All of it. But when he starts slipping in one area it all unravels… this includes our connection.

Our connection is still severed. Because the break. I am perpetuating this disconnect. Why? Because I can’t trust any of this to be something that sticks forever. Backsliding to me is inevitable. I absolutely hate that I think this. I absolutely hate that I don’t think he could possibly keep this up. What a shitty girlfriend. But I’ve been hurt and burned at this before. I am so so hurt. But no matter how hurt I feel I am even more scared.

So when he says this whole thing blindsided him? FUCK YOU! This is something we both cared so deeply about in the past. This is why I could even consider getting back with him. This. None of it is new. None of this can ever be OUT OF THE BLUE. This is our shit. Our constant shit.

He has such strong demons that he wrestles with daily. And I feel so awful that I can no longer stand at his side while he battles. I am so damn conflicted.

But here’s what I know. I need someone that follows through. I need someone that I don’t have to constantly monitor and mother. I don’t want to be the nagging partner in life always asking “are you drinking?” I don’t want to play this role. I deserve other things, right? Deserve… I don’t know. Maybe I don’t’ deserve more, but I do know that I need someone I can rely on. And I can’t rely on him.

I’m struggling with this decision. I need to let go. I need to let him work on this apart from me. And I need him to become a better person because that is what he wants to do for himself not to save our relationship. Because he had me and our relationship. And it wasn’t enough.

I hope he keeps it up. I want him to succeed. But my fear about the possibility may be something I can’t possibly get passed.

my bc hunt

June 23, 2017

So… I’ve spent the last year on a hunt for the perfect birth control pill. I was tired of my crazy pms getting worse and worse and worse. It’s awful! It WAS awful.

My PMS was hitting in all sorts of ways. Some months it would be absolute irritation. I couldn’t even stand myself! Some months it was anger and bitterness. Some months it was deeeeeep dark depression. SO SO SO much sadness. Then other months is was anxiety. Oh my lord, everything made me so anxious.

I talked to my lady doc about this and she said we can try them all! I was so so grateful. I didn’t even know this was an option. I thought if I was on BC then I was going to have to just suffer.

After 4 different BCs in about 8 months I FOUND IT! I still get PMS but GUESS WHAT?! My only PMS symptom is missing everyone! And I mean EVERYONE. And in such a loving reminiscing way! It’s crazy. Lol. But I love it. I’ll trade anxiety for this any day!

Sigh… so I’m sitting here thinking about people. Not hating anyone or myself. Not annoyed. Just missing folks.

Happy Friday all!

P.S. It’s Lo Loestrin! Seriously, ask your doc about it. I’m not even getting paid for this. 🙂

——-> wait for it

May 30, 2017

My dog is sitting here starring at me. I feel like he’s waiting on me to do something. Oh never mind… he’s moved on to his bone.

I wish i felt like going upstairs and turning down the A/C… It’s kind of cold. Maybe that’t just the cold beer.

Drinking alone? Yeah. Isn’t it weird how sometimes it feels okay. and other times it doesn’t? Like today…. totally doesn’t.

Does corona smell like weed to anyone else?

seriously… it’s freezing in here. Hey, pup! Go turn that up! That’d be cool.

I need to make a list. So much to do this week. So SO SO SOSOSOSOSo much.

Each sip of this corona gets grosser and grosser. I thought it was suppose to do the opposite.

I ate too much today. I get a pass, tho, because of the holiday.

Yeah right. I never give myself a pass. I’m sitting here thinking nothing will fit tomorrow because of my stupid decision to eat. And drink.

this beer still isn’t getting any better.

Okay, so what I really wanna talk about is m. sigh. I can’t see that future so clearly anymore. Alcoholism is a bitch. Like, how many cycles do I go through before I say enough is enough? We do well. We don’t do so well. He stops drinking. we get better. he starts drinking. we get worse. we talk. he makes promises. he stops drinking. we do better. so on and so forth. the cycle of addiction.

that’s what addiction is. just a cycle. Once an addict always an addict. You never get better. you just wait for the next cycle to begin…. or this one to end.

I sat here and debated opening this beer for a solid hour before i decided upon it. I’m not the one with the problem you see. But my biggest concern right now is that he’s sitting alone somewhere right now. Does he have a drink in his hand? I hope not. But… is that hypocrisy? no. I’m not the alcoholic. I just happen to have beer left over from a memorial day celebration. So even tho i landed on opening it… I still feel like maybe I shouldn’t… in solidarity? I don’t know.

If he approached me today and admitted he had an issue i would commit to not drinking with him by his side forever and ever. FOREVER AND EVER!

People don’t love like he does. No one else will ever fill up my heart like he can. But when is enough enough? How many cycles. How much time? How can i give him up. but… how can i keep him?