Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Day 2: making your mirror your friend

October 13, 2017

SO apparently the 21 day mirror work is going to take longer than 21 days. I did this a few days ago… but didn’t journal. and Definitely didn’t do day 3 yet. So, lets record day 2.

Making your mirror your friend.

Today the exercise is looking into the mirror, breathing, looking at yourself, and saying “I love you. I really really love you”. It says to say it 100 times thru the day. I think I got to like 13. :-/

Journaling exercise:

  1. What do you want that you aren’t getting?
  2. when you were growing up, what were the rules about deserving? Did you always have to earn in order to deserve? were things taken away from you when you did wrong?
    1. this one is interesting to answer. I was 1 of 5 kids. We deserved nothing. HAHA. Seriously. When we got something out of the ordinary it was a treat. I don’t think this effected me negatively except maybe that it makes question number one hard to answer. Like… what do you want that you aren’t getting? like… what else is there? lol see! That’s why its blank.
  3. Do you feel that you deserve to live? have joy?
    1. Deserve? Have i earned life and joy? I have no friggin clue! I don’t know about deserve… but living and having joy are huge gifts from the universe that I will gladly accept to their full extent!

Heart thought for the day: I am deserving.

Oh… lol I guess the answer is I DO deserve things. lol SO my little brother was right the last time we spoke about all the wonderful :-/ guys I’ve been choosing for myself.

Mediation thought of the day: envision yourself standing in a safe place and saying that I am open and receptive – declaring what i want and what i don’t want. See myself whole and happy and healthy at peace and filled with love. Let the love go thru me and out of me and back to me.

I did this a few days ago… Every room I stepped into I sent out love. I loved it. The gym is a big room to fill! lol

We can choose to circle ourselves with hate or love in this world… why on god’s green earth would we choose hate.

“See the world becoming an incredible circle of love. And so it is.”

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me and m

July 20, 2017

About a month ago my concern over m’s alcoholism hit an all time high. He stopped trying. He stopped working. He just stopped. He had more and more nights where he called a second time to say goodnight forgetting entirely that he called to tell me goodnight AN HOUR AGO! And when we went out he was consuming drinks faster and faster. I can tell the difference between someone enjoying a craft beer and a person trying to pack in as much percentage of alcohol as possible as quickly as possible. Hello! I was raised by an alcoholic father. I can pick up and tune into all the little fucking signs. All of them. I know that when you call versus text you are drinking. I know that when you say you are doing laundry, you are drinking. I know that when you say you are meeting your father for lunch you are drinking. I know how to decode a lot of this. And I also know that no matter what I know, there is always so so so much more I’m unaware of. This part was the part that worried me more than anything.

So I asked him to meet me for brunch one day. We shared a quiche at a pizza place and I explained my concerns.

In August we planned on moving in together. So the urgency of the situation was closing in on me. How can I knowingly invite that into my living space on a daily basis?

He was floored. Apparently to him this came out of nowhere. I’ll explain later why this infuriates me. But to him: he was shocked and blindsided. He had no idea how much I knew about the situation. He never once denied any of it. He was EXTREMELY receptive. He listened. And listened. And cried. And listened some more. I had a lot of words. And they couldn’t have come out more perfectly. I would never claim to be an articulate human being just like I could never claim to be a good driver. I just simply am not those things. But for some reason by whatever higher power you believe in I said everything just as I needed to say it.

It landed perfectly. At the end of this….. intervention (for lack of a better word) I told him that I needed a break. This worry and stress had climbed to a level that I needed to take a step back from. Obviously, me thinking that I could break from the stress just by breaking from him is just not how it actually works in my female brain. It’s always interesting to me the things I’m able to compartmentalize and all the things I simply cannot.

Over the next 3 weeks he sprung into clean up mode. He connected with friends he hadn’t connected with in a long time. I was concerned over the bitterness in which he spoke about his so-called friends. Something that I still don’t quite understand. But he dug in and he is actively cultivating and nurturing those friendships and new ones. I’m so damn proud of this. Like I said, I don’t understand why this is something he put on hold.

He also got a therapist. For his depression and anxiety. Part of him falling off the wagon was him getting off his anti-depressants… I know he hates the side effects, but he so desperately needs this. But at least he started the process of getting help. So he has been to exactly 1 session. We’ll see how this goes.

He started going to the gym every day. This is always something he says he is going to do. Something that he wants to do. But during our talk I spoke about howbad his follow through is. I can’t rely on him for anything he says he’ll do. He’s not a follow-through-er. And this was one area in his life that was the most obvious that he just wouldn’t follow through. So he is a regular gymmer now. I say that, 3 weeks in and he’s hitting 4 days a week. We’ll see how this goes.

He bought a kayak. He’s been talking about this for a long time. He did it. And not only did he do it he got his kayak on the lake for a solo ride. And then on top of that has gone out with his friends! The friendships that he had previously been denying. I would’ve put money on these things never happening. As in literally never.

He said the words out loud. He looked into my eyes and said “I am an alcoholic”. I had tears in my eyes instantly. Of course, he said it over a glass of wine, but he fucking said it. Holy shit. He doesn’t feel like he needs to stop drinking. He thinks that he needs to stop drinking when he’s bored or sad. Those are his “self medicating” rules/boundaries that he’s put on himself. I need him in AA. I need him 100% dry. But he isn’t there yet. Maybe… MAYBE… he can just restrict…. But…. This is text book addict verbiage. Maybe he’ll slowly crawl out of denial. I can only hope.

So, here he is… with his laundry list of things he is working on to becoming a better human. But here I am…. I’m completely underwhelmed at his strides. Why? Well, remember when I said I had something to talk about that infuriated me? Back in December when we were discussing getting back together we talked about all these things.

The drinking, the coping, the bettering himself, the gym, the attitude, the depression, the pills… We spoke about all these things. He spoke of them so clearly. He made this list himself. All the things that had to be different in his life if me and him were going to work. So… how long did all that last? A few months. He tried a solid 2 months before I started to see and feel the slipping. Me and him connect so well when he is working on things. He’s so open with me. He talks about all his shit. All of it. But when he starts slipping in one area it all unravels… this includes our connection.

Our connection is still severed. Because the break. I am perpetuating this disconnect. Why? Because I can’t trust any of this to be something that sticks forever. Backsliding to me is inevitable. I absolutely hate that I think this. I absolutely hate that I don’t think he could possibly keep this up. What a shitty girlfriend. But I’ve been hurt and burned at this before. I am so so hurt. But no matter how hurt I feel I am even more scared.

So when he says this whole thing blindsided him? FUCK YOU! This is something we both cared so deeply about in the past. This is why I could even consider getting back with him. This. None of it is new. None of this can ever be OUT OF THE BLUE. This is our shit. Our constant shit.

He has such strong demons that he wrestles with daily. And I feel so awful that I can no longer stand at his side while he battles. I am so damn conflicted.

But here’s what I know. I need someone that follows through. I need someone that I don’t have to constantly monitor and mother. I don’t want to be the nagging partner in life always asking “are you drinking?” I don’t want to play this role. I deserve other things, right? Deserve… I don’t know. Maybe I don’t’ deserve more, but I do know that I need someone I can rely on. And I can’t rely on him.

I’m struggling with this decision. I need to let go. I need to let him work on this apart from me. And I need him to become a better person because that is what he wants to do for himself not to save our relationship. Because he had me and our relationship. And it wasn’t enough.

I hope he keeps it up. I want him to succeed. But my fear about the possibility may be something I can’t possibly get passed.

my bc hunt

June 23, 2017

So… I’ve spent the last year on a hunt for the perfect birth control pill. I was tired of my crazy pms getting worse and worse and worse. It’s awful! It WAS awful.

My PMS was hitting in all sorts of ways. Some months it would be absolute irritation. I couldn’t even stand myself! Some months it was anger and bitterness. Some months it was deeeeeep dark depression. SO SO SO much sadness. Then other months is was anxiety. Oh my lord, everything made me so anxious.

I talked to my lady doc about this and she said we can try them all! I was so so grateful. I didn’t even know this was an option. I thought if I was on BC then I was going to have to just suffer.

After 4 different BCs in about 8 months I FOUND IT! I still get PMS but GUESS WHAT?! My only PMS symptom is missing everyone! And I mean EVERYONE. And in such a loving reminiscing way! It’s crazy. Lol. But I love it. I’ll trade anxiety for this any day!

Sigh… so I’m sitting here thinking about people. Not hating anyone or myself. Not annoyed. Just missing folks.

Happy Friday all!

P.S. It’s Lo Loestrin! Seriously, ask your doc about it. I’m not even getting paid for this. 🙂

——-> wait for it

May 30, 2017

My dog is sitting here starring at me. I feel like he’s waiting on me to do something. Oh never mind… he’s moved on to his bone.

I wish i felt like going upstairs and turning down the A/C… It’s kind of cold. Maybe that’t just the cold beer.

Drinking alone? Yeah. Isn’t it weird how sometimes it feels okay. and other times it doesn’t? Like today…. totally doesn’t.

Does corona smell like weed to anyone else?

seriously… it’s freezing in here. Hey, pup! Go turn that up! That’d be cool.

I need to make a list. So much to do this week. So SO SO SOSOSOSOSo much.

Each sip of this corona gets grosser and grosser. I thought it was suppose to do the opposite.

I ate too much today. I get a pass, tho, because of the holiday.

Yeah right. I never give myself a pass. I’m sitting here thinking nothing will fit tomorrow because of my stupid decision to eat. And drink.

this beer still isn’t getting any better.

Okay, so what I really wanna talk about is m. sigh. I can’t see that future so clearly anymore. Alcoholism is a bitch. Like, how many cycles do I go through before I say enough is enough? We do well. We don’t do so well. He stops drinking. we get better. he starts drinking. we get worse. we talk. he makes promises. he stops drinking. we do better. so on and so forth. the cycle of addiction.

that’s what addiction is. just a cycle. Once an addict always an addict. You never get better. you just wait for the next cycle to begin…. or this one to end.

I sat here and debated opening this beer for a solid hour before i decided upon it. I’m not the one with the problem you see. But my biggest concern right now is that he’s sitting alone somewhere right now. Does he have a drink in his hand? I hope not. But… is that hypocrisy? no. I’m not the alcoholic. I just happen to have beer left over from a memorial day celebration. So even tho i landed on opening it… I still feel like maybe I shouldn’t… in solidarity? I don’t know.

If he approached me today and admitted he had an issue i would commit to not drinking with him by his side forever and ever. FOREVER AND EVER!

People don’t love like he does. No one else will ever fill up my heart like he can. But when is enough enough? How many cycles. How much time? How can i give him up. but… how can i keep him?

new direction 5

March 21, 2017

So instead of giving my boss my decision about what direction we should proceed in about my “harassment”. I decided to turn in my two week notice. I was mad and sad and completely bitter about the whole thing for the first week. I told him to keep it hush/hush till I was ready to announce it. And thru the weekend I turned it around. I’m so excited. I’m not going to excuse my manager’s action, but I can see the corner I backed him into as well. I’m feeling much more at peace about the decision. And ready for the next phase in life.

I have these HOLY SHIT WHAT HAVE I DONE moments.

I quit my job. I can’t believe it. I’ve been wanting to do this for so long. Today is the my last Tuesday here. I’m so fucking excited!

I’m fucking terrified! I know this is the kick in the pants I needed to get out of this field. IT is so not me. A desk job… dealing with these men. I’m not cut out for this.

And It’s the right time. I feel like between me finding this new career I feel confident about and my manager putting me in a very uncomfortable situation, the path is so clear right now. I’ve never felt like a future was clear before. But this feels as if a path has opened up. Wellness coaching is something that I can really really get behind. I already bought into it with my own life so long ago. It really does feel perfect.

I get to inspire people for a living! WHAT?! Do you know how much sunshine and rainbows I have ready and waiting for you people??? I want to shower people with love and compliments and help people be gracious with themselves and learn how to shower themselves in love and compliments. I want to teach people how to love themselves in a new way. Teach them that they can love themselves right now in the skin they are in while improving their every day life and decision making processes.

I start my certification next Monday. It’s all online. So I’ll have plenty of time for part time, minimum wage jobs. I’m happy I have savings that allow me to do this. I’d be completely stuck here if I didn’t.

I’m ready to get on this next roller-coaster. I know it’ll be rough. I’ll be broke for a while. And I may never make what I was making, but I’ll be happy. I’ll get to work with and help people. I’ll get to believe in my own work. There’s a force driving me more than a paycheck.

It’s good. I’m happy. I’m scared. But I’m ready.

beauty

March 8, 2017

I rounded the corner to the showers in a locker room. The stall on the end had its shower curtain wide open. The woman that occupied the stall was a large (on any one’s standards) black woman.

Of course the first thing I said, “Oh! Sorry!” And quickly marched passed with my gaze down.

But I couldn’t shake what I saw.

She was BEAUTIFUL to me. All the curves. All the extra body. Her whole shape was stuck in my brain. I was so surprised at my reaction!

No, it wasn’t sexual. There was no lust here. It was pure appreciation. I loved that I found her so pretty, but this was my favorite part. An epiphany is you will.

Maybe we are all beautiful to others. Men and women. What’s the saying? We are our own worst critic? What if someone saw my flawed body and thought the same? Because I am far from in love with my naked self. Wonder how that woman feels about her body… Would it have been strange to tell her how beautiful I thought she was. LOL. Um. Yeah. Reality check. But maybe she does know… she did have that curtain pulled back… Just sayin!

new direction (4)

March 7, 2017

Dear Manager,

My co-workers and I have a perfectly professional relationship. I enjoy their comradery and they make my day brighter. I’m so fortunate to be able to spend so much of my day with each and every one of them.

I’m unable to complete my tasks for the year because I’m sub par at my job. I’m not good at reaching out for help. I work on a project and never get far enough through it before an interruption comes along. I then start all over. It’s been a bad cycle all year that I have no one to blame but myself. I should’ve stayed focused and reached out to my co-workers for help multiple times. I’ve had the opportunities. A bad review would make sense for me. I will push myself more going forward.

Also, on a completely unrelated note. I have decided to go back to school. It would be great to collect a paycheck and help these guys with on-call and other workloads while I do it. If legally that is too much of a liability then please consider this my 2 week notice.

Thank you,
Michelle
I didn’t really send this. Well, I didn’t send this yet. But that didn’t stop me from editing it and taking out sarcastic adjectives and making it PC as possible before signing it.

I do believe that I will be quitting a lot sooner than I expected. I definitely envisioned having a bigger safety net before jumping into it. I have some savings. I’m not above part time work til I’m out of school. My rent is cheap right now. I can get rid of a few monthly bills and decrease a few more. Sigh. I can trim the social calendar. This might be the push I truly need to just jump.

I’m thinking while I go to become a wellness coach training I can also get certified in personal training. And weightlifting training. I think I’d love to start a weightlifting class (or offer a special emphasis with private clients) for older beginning women that want to start lifting. Gah! That would be incredible!

Okay so I’m terrified, but I’m excited. I’m pissed, but there’s a silver lining.

Talk about a roller coaster. I feel like I stay on one.

new direction (3)

March 7, 2017

Monday rolls around. I come to work. I’m researching my options. I’ve basically decided which program I’m going to do, but I’d be a fool for not reviewing other options that take less time and less money.

I’m looking at the difference between health coach, nutritionist, dietitians. I’m looking at personal training, crossfit certs. Looking at costs, and time, and careers. I’m all over the place. But I feel great about it. I signed up for so much junk mail BUT I DON’T CARE! Bring it on.

I get another message from my boss. He’s wants to meet again. “Okay. See you in a few.”

I’m sitting across from him and the mood is not the same as when I left his comforting words last Thursday. Turns out Friday morning he attended some sort of leadership training. Completely coincidental to our conversation.

He tells me that legally he can’t do nothing. He still has to keep his goals in mind to. He still has to worry about my career progression. And if these guys are the reason I’m not doing well, he can’t idly sit on this news. He names names, which I didn’t do last week. He narrows down all that he can. He is backing me into a corner. I’m feeling closed off and defensive.

He either needs me to write them up. Put some formal complaint on paper so he can pursue a course of action through the proper channels. Or he needs to me legally release him from fault by telling another director or manager everything and telling him with a witness that I want him to do nothing… then of course he has to treat me a little harsher in the review because I just suck at my job and there’s no real reason.

I only told him everything because we prefaced with the fact that he wouldn’t do anything. I NEVER would have told him these things if I thought it left him legally obligated. I just wouldn’t have. He even agrees with me that telling the guys would make it worse. He goes from caring to covering his ass, and I completely understand but i’m also heartbroken that it has come to this.

I ask him for the rest of the week to decide. And I walk away with very few words.

I do not know what to do. And the more this becomes real the more silly I feel. What am I formally complaining about? That someone cracked a joke about a purse, lipstick, and credit cards? That I get made fun of for the dumbest things. That I have to constantly defend my actions and choices? Nothing is worthy of a report. Nothing but the sheer volume of jokes that I have to deal with. I feel silly. I should’ve just fucking let it all go and got my shit done. I’m feeling completely at fault for everything. And now I’m backed into a corner.

a new direction (2)

March 7, 2017

It’s review time. Again. And I always get nervous about review time. I haven’t liked my job in a long time and it always shines through during this time. I am not a sub par individual. I’m an over-achiever, type-A-to-the-max, get-shit-done kind of person. But I really really have not been this person at work in a long time.

So I get a message from my boss last week. He wants to meet really quickly with me. He wants to ask about a few projects I haven’t completed. Whats the stumbling block. What is holding me back. He wants to help me complete this. He wants to give me a good review at the end of the year. He’s a good manager. He truly cares.

I want to tell him how unhappy I am. How unmotivating this whole environment is to me. I want to tell him that all my male co-workers are draining the life out of me with their “cutesy” comments and annoying jokes. I want to tell him that I’ve already decided to make my slow exit. Go to school for another job. But I can’t say most of this. It’s career suicide.

I should’ve just told him I’ve hit a wall in my projects. That I’ve come to a place that I don’t know what to do next. I should have said this. But instead….

I cry.

I fucking cry.

I hate this. I say I don’t want to talk about this. I’m not prepared to have this conversation. Why didn’t I just say I needed help before proceeding with the project? He tells me that if I don’t want to talk I don’t have to. I told him that I didn’t want to say because I didn’t want him to do thing about it. I can just picture him having a meeting with the guys and telling them to lay off. Yeah, that’ll work. That won’t make it weird at all. :-\

He tells me if I don’t want him to do anything about it, he won’t. And I’m feeling hopeful for the first time since the meeting started. So I wipe my eyes, clear my throat and tell him all the problems I’m having with the guys. I tell him that it’s almost silly to bring up because any one thing isn’t a big deal. So what, they made fun of the fact that I didn’t go to lunch with them because I brought my food… And they make up things that it is… tofu or tree bark… meanwhile I’m sitting here with shrimp and green beans… yeah that’s super duper weird. Heaven forbid anyone try to be healthy around here. 😐 anyway. Like I said, no one thing is worthy of writing up a report. But I work with 5 guys. Very closely. And it’s constant. It’s every day. All day. I’m annoyed. And tired of it. They don’t understand why I’ve been so quiet lately. They don’t get it. And I’ve snapped at them before. I’ve gotten verbally upset with them. I’ve put on my headphones mid conversation. I’ve never flat out ignored people before these guys. I’m not NOT letting them know how they make me feel. I’ve stopped being subtle awhile ago.

So yeah, I’m not motivated. And when I do come to a place in my work that I need help I take a few extra days before reaching out. I use to open up to these guys. I use to consider them friends. And honestly they are good guys. They think they are cute and having a good time. Picking on a little sister or maybe bad flirting. Idk. But I’m way over it. It’s not motivating. No. I’m not doing my job well. I hate it. I’m worn out.

I tell him all this. And he see’s my point of view perfectly. He’s apologetic. And he’s making me feel like I did a good thing by telling him. He says he understands that I don’t want to work here any more. (I didn’t tell him I had a plan to exit the company, just that I didn’t know what to do and didn’t want to work in corporate with men ever again.) He even told me to keep him updated on what I plan on doing. That he knows a lot of people. He can ask around at church for other options for me. HOW SWEET IS THAT!? He also says that he’d hate to lose me. That he’ll try to think of ways of getting around this. He knows and agrees with me that if he brought this up to the guys they would ostracize me. It would only make it worse. I try to portray that I want a relationship with them. I just NEED them to have boundaries. But I truly don’t see them understanding this. He agrees.

We end the meeting. No resolution. No plan. But understanding. I’m happier than I expected to unload on him.

a new direction

March 7, 2017

I’ve been miserable at my job for years now. Basically ever since I’ve been divorced. Let’s not chit chat about coincidences, k? I’ve been slowly thinking about getting out of this work place for 3 years. I’ve been thinking about getting out of IT for the last year. And I’ve only just discovered the path I’d like to be on just in that past few months.

And even then, there’s a few options I’m hung up on.

Basically I’d like to work in the health and fitness community. I don’t necessarily think I want to be a trainer. I could do that. I love coaching, or at least I’ve loved the little experiences I’ve gotten with coaching. But I don’t think that anyone would want a 150 pound, very average looking girl as a trainer. Won’t they prefer someone with a body they envy? IDK. That’s my line of thinking.

But as I was researching other options… the options that focus more on the diet part of lifestyle changes. I found a program called “Become a health coach.” As I read through the descriptions I fell in love with the job.

This is a focus on habit change. This is facilitating sustainable life changes that lend toward a healthier lifestyle. I CAN DO THIS! Inspiring people is one of my favorite things. And if I do say so myself it’s a gift I have. I could be the accountability and mentor anyone needs to reach their goals. I won’t be a quick fix. I’m going to be the type of change for someone that when you look back 5 years you can’t believe how far you’ve come. Not because some sprint to a finish line, but these people won’t even recognize the person they were years ago because of all the positive changes they’ve made. Not necessarily in the mirror (but that too!), but in the kitchen, at the grocery store, and in their life. I WANT TO DO THIS!

I’d love to get this education then add on to it. Personal training. Crossfit certification. So many other certification that are diet related. For food allergies. For specific diets like paleo and vegetarian. I would love this.

Anyway… This has been on my mind for a bit. I feel like its perfect and I feel like it’s time.

So the original plan was to keep my job in this corporate IT world as I school… Perfect plan right? Make money while I learn to make money another way. Sure, I’ll be taking a pay cut. I’ll be starting over. It’ll be a journey for sure. Good, bad, and ugly…

But as best laid plans go… kinks in the road happen…