Archive for the ‘Newly single’ Category

a clean start

December 30, 2014

I think that my divorce had less to do with the obvious act of infidelity on his end and more to do with me and setting off on a new journey. wipe clean MY transgression (not his) and move along with a fresh start. Do it differently. Make it better from the inside out. Not any other way.

I know some would have issues with the verbiage here. Don’t get caught up in the divorce itself. It happened people. Lots of reason and lots of realities that couldn’t be resolved… But as I process and think through this on certain days… It’s about me. Not about him. or about the “us” that use to be.

This is an opportunity for me. And it feels fantastic. I’m coming to that point where I’m taking off the weights. I’m peeling back a few layers. and I’m feeling a little lighter.

I didn’t realize how complacent I had become as a person. Just in every day things. A conversation with a stranger. Using my mind. Thinking through the things I need to do rather than let someone else take care of everything. You don’t become a whole person after a long term relationship ending because you have to try super hard… you do it because you no longer have that other half. Its a necessity. You do not get a choice.

I want the next life of mine to take this whole me… and mesh it together with whoever and whatever comes in. I don’t want to become dull and unmotivated and un-involved! I want to be fully aware. Fully there. I didn’t realize how much this wasn’t true in my marriage. What a weird sense of clarity to come to terms with that.

I am fun. I am interesting. I’m witty! Where did that one come from!??! These are adjectives I wouldn’t have used when talking about me while in the marriage. I felt quite the opposite! Boring. Nagging. Non-adventurous. Not particularly anything. Just some shade of gray that sits in the corner. Oh how that is NOT who I am!

This girl that I am… woman… I love her more and more. And I want to share her! I want to be part of someone’s life. Whether it be friends, coworkers, or a lover. I feel like I have adjectives to offer.

That’s enough rambling for now 🙂

This year

October 30, 2014

Last year through the holidays I was dreading the fact that this year would look sooooo much different.

Flash back to last year Thanksgiving: Me and my husband had been in counseling for 2 months. To say we were on the rocks would be grossly under exaggerating the situation. We both were working towards working it all out, but our affection towards each other was basically non-existent. If there was “affection” it was forced and terribly uncomfortable. Completely stressful. Being around family was incredibly difficult. There was constant talk about planning babies with my parents or siblings that were in that stage of marriage. Killed me. Everything about it. No one knew we were having issues. We thought we’d work through it and no one would have to be the wiser.

Flash back to Christmas of last year: We had been separated for exactly 12 days. We still weren’t telling our families. We shared a bed at my brother’s house, then at his parents’ house. I don’t know how I held it together. We hadn’t decided on getting a divorce yet, but the thought of how next year would look was haunting me every second. Every. Single. Second. I got through the holidays only having to tell my mom and my sister because of logistics and having to have them stay with me and such. They’d quickly figure out that my husband wasn’t staying at home, so I had no choice.

Flash back to new years last year: We both attended the same party… but we didn’t show up together. He left before midnight to go to another party with… who knows.

Well, the divorce has been finalized for almost 4 months now… and we are rapidly approaching Thanksgiving. And while part of me wants to be a hermit this holiday season… hide from family… the other part of me is just happy to not be hiding anything.

Since then my brother and his wife have announced the arrival of their first child. So so so happy for them. I feel oddly connected to the child already. But I ache at the same time. This is where I should be too. And back at square one. Not even dating anyone.

I know there will be tears over being alone this season. I know someone will say something without thinking about it… It’s happened so many times already. I’m bracing myself. I am strong. I can do this. I know there will be tears, but I am happy with my decision. I am so good with it. I am a better person now than I was. I know me better. I love myself more. This was a positive change in my life. Wonder why the holidays does this to a person… I’m sure I’ll perfect my “happy place” and self preservation tactics. But otherwise, I’m just going to try and enjoy my siblings and get excited with my sister in law about the baby. And get to know my mom and dad’s new boyfriend/girlfriend…. That’ll be fun.

So much different this year! and I knew it would be! But lets hope i’m pleasantly surprised. Maybe i’ll just try to keep track of all the unbelievably insensitive remarks for funny anecdotes later. Might make its own blog post… who knows! strike comedic gold! 🙂 I’m a silver-lining-ist… remember!

Welp, that’s all I got for now.

cuddle sesh please!

October 6, 2014

It sucks that the only way to get to the cuddle-on-the-couch-on-a-Friday-night phase can’t happen till you go through the dating scene and find someone that you like and likes you back mutually. Does that sound lame? Did you know that there are professional cuddlers out there?!?! Forget my counseling session! I should find a cuddler (with nice biceps)!

My mom and my best friend has awesome first dates yesterday. I listen to them and try to be as enthusiastic as a daughter and best friend should be when hearing how excited they are. Of course I’m jealous, but I am genuinely excited for them. Jealous and not jealous really… dates are so stressful to me. I don’t do well under stress. I don’t show who I am at all. I really stand no chance. I’m terrible at interviews too. I get tongue tied. My mind goes blank.

I feel more and more whole every day that i don’t have someone… And I love that! but damn, if i don’t want to just cuddle up on the couch! I have high hopes and I know one day it’ll happen.

Just the thought of the day…. that’s a lie… that’s a daily thought. 🙂 Anyway. That is all for now.

My best friend

September 23, 2014

Em is 27. She’s a serial dater. She goes immediately from one boyfriend to the next. She has a successful and fulfilling career. But she can’t handle not having attention 24/7. I don’t know if she realizes this. She knows “single Em” is clingy and desperate to share her time with whoever is willing. If I don’t set up boundaries while she is single she will basically be living with me, and i’d be getting dinner and drunk with her every night of the week. She just broke up with a boy.. and this is the first time she hasn’t had someone lined up and ready to dive in head first. She is the kind of dater that goes from zero to 90 in .25 seconds. She doesn’t know how to do the casual dating.

There’s something deeper going on here. Why is it so hard for her to be alone? Why does her sanity require so much attention? She asks me all the time – why do i feel this way? The truth is I have no idea. But i do know that until she is without someone for a while she will never figure out the deeper issue. She’s a great person. Smart, nerdy, and yet cool. She’s gorgeous. In my opinion she is the total package with a doctorate to boot. A catch! But she can’t get a handle on loving her own company. The attention she requires with never satisfy her. Getting the attention she wants will only make the need greater… and make the moments where she doesn’t have it more excruciating.  

My heart breaks for her and the moments that I know she has when she sits alone at her apartment ready to jump out of her own skin because she neeeeeeds someone to shower themselves on her. I wish I could wave a magic wand and give her peace.

I have had my moments like this, but they are always passing. If I sit still long enough it’ll pass. Or even something simple like a trip to the grocery store or a phone call to a friend or family member satisfies my need. I can’t imagine it staying too long. Because it is a hard emotion to have. Does she hate herself? Fear herself? Is it the age of 27 that makes a woman go a little bit batty with her internal clock ticking away the number of kids possible at this point? I don’t know. I just hope that Em will be single long enough to make peace with herself and with the quiet. She won’t. But that is my hope…

The ex update

September 8, 2014

I was enjoying a nice relaxing Sunday morning when a I received a text from a friend. Why people feel like I need ex updates I will never understand. As is necessary in the current age in which we live I defriended him on all social medias for the sole purpose of NOT being informed on his daily activities. Of course it had to do with another girl. Which, lets be honest, is more specifically why I defriended him! A tiny little blond was hugged up on him… “happy birthday!” “Thanks, LOVE YOU!” Shoot me now. The conversation with my well-intentioned, oblivious friend didn’t last long. Of course it didn’t end without one comment from her about dating the next hottest guy I meet and posting pics… oh good grief! 

There are so many things wrong here. Where to begin… 

1)  Serious, why do you feel the need to update me?? Don’t you realize I’ve gone out of my way to not be updated! Way out of my way! 

2) A new girl? Saying “I love you”? SHHHOOOOT MMMEEEE! He still texts me at midnight and asks me to come over. He still tells me he wants us to work. Ugh. DO NOT say those things and asks those things of me if there are other females in your life. Just… no! 

3) When will, if ever, I not be effected by hearing about him (or seeing him) with other girls. I don’t want him. I’m done. But, damn, that hit hard. Did not like that at all! 

4) She wants me to what? Date the next hottest guy… first of all, sure thing, hott guys willing to date me are a dime a dozen! Not. Second, is that really a game you think i’d play??? Oh no. My ex is an extremely amazing guy… I can’t compete with that. I will lose that competition in the first round! He will do anything for anyone. I wouldn’t. I’m way more selfish with my time and my opinions to be the person to completely put myself on the back burner for someone…. And I realize that sounds awesome on the surface, but it turns into him losing himself – and really the whole relationship won’t work if he continues to deny himself… It’s not real. It’s completely… impossible to perpetuate. So in the beginning yes… perfection to find a guy like that… but in the end you have to ask… “who are you?” He’ll be there without an answer. I’ll be me. 🙂 maybe i won’t lose. But it won’t be because of our next significant others. 

Rant over… for now. Hope you have a great week! Thanks for reading.

 

 

defaulting to happy

September 5, 2014

I truly believed I’d never see my peppy self again. I thought that the bitterness and anger I went through changed me forever. I’ve been walking through life for the last year in a terribly sad state. That had become my default. But the last few weeks, for no reason at all, I’m smiling. Walking to my car smiling. Sitting at my desk content with life. There’s no guy, there’s no new fun life event going on… its just me. I’ve never been so okay with me. I mean, I can’t remember the last time I even had to try to be okay with just me….. sophomore year in high school. I’m not the kind of person that needs people around all the time, and I know that helps, but lonely has been a huge struggle for me since the separation. I mean, it makes sense…. not that I was more accepting of it because it is a normal feeling through a divorce…. but at least it made sense.

It just happened all of a sudden… and it’s been here for the last 2 weeks. It’s odd timing for me too… I just basically ended a friendship. And the previous week was full of tears over losing my house. And I just detached myself from any sort of potential love interests… I don’t know if the timing is coincidence, chemicals in my brain malfunctioning, or if any of those things mentioned above positively effected me, but I’m so glad.

I went out with my best friend last night and she could see it. I’m back! I can’t express how grateful I am. It’s been rough. And I am bracing myself for the next roller coaster of emotions to sweep in… Its been up and down for sure! So I fully expect the sad to make a come back. But its so good to know that this part of me is still here. I am still me. 🙂 A slightly more jaded, baggage laden, divorced me, but i still got my pep! 

I know sadness and anger and bitterness aren’t easy things to deal with for anyone, but I kind of thought that for someone like me… the happy-by-default me… the annoyingly-peppy-girl-in-the-cube-next-door me… the trust-first me… the silver-lining me… the walking-on-the-bright-side-me… would have a harder time experiencing such contrasting emotions. I could be wrong. I’m just glad to see it wasn’t permanent. It was a real fear I had. 

hope

August 27, 2014

So there’s this odd random feeling that keeps hitting me over and over again throughout the day lately. It’s a mixture of anxiety and excitement… It’s almost overwhelming at times. The first time I felt it I thought i was having a panic attack. But i recognized the feeling as not all bad. It feels as if something is right around the corner. Something is about to happen. Something is brewing. Something BIG! 

I kind of have this theory on ESP…. I feel like everyone falls on a spectrum of it. But I think most of us land on the millisecond side of the spectrum…. So basically none at all. While others maybe have more of a gift for it. I don’t know. Call me crazy for this one. I do realize it’s a stretch. But this is the weirdest and strongest feeling.

Maybe its just stress manifesting itself… I haven’t been able to sleep… so maybe its even just a sign of sleep deprivation, but it won’t go away. It’ll hit me in waves and then it’ll go. but its becoming more and more… whats the word… constant… i think. 

I’ve decided that it’s hope. But a really strong urgent hope. Wonder if I’m just kind of needing sleep or if something will (unexpectedly) pop up. Or maybe I’m becoming a little desperate in the lonely department… maybe this is just a coping mechanism… but i kind of like it.