Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

to be known

September 29, 2016

Had girl’s night last night. My best friend, E, brought in someone new.

Side topic: why am I always so hesistant about new females? Whether they are friends of my girl friends or guy friends.

Her friend… let’s call her S. S brought an avacodo salsa that was AMAZING and she tipped the scales with some hint of lime chips. I pretty much took it over. They were fine with the pizza they ordered so I didn’t feel bad in the least!

When it was time for them to go (we were at my apartment) she asked if I wanted the rest of that salsa because that was just a tiny bit of the portion she actually made. Um… hellz yes, but do not leave that bag o chips! THat’ll make a great pre-workout snack!

So I emptied her dish into one of my tupperware containers. I then walked over to my sink and started cleaning the glass dish. Okay, so… when it comes to glass serving or mixing bowls I get some deep satisfaction cleaning it. Especially the clear glass! I mean… I don’t know what it’s about. But it wasn’t a chore at all. In mid rinse S says “Oh you didn’t have to clean it. I was just gonna take it as is.” E immediately says, “That’s just Michelle.” She swept her arms in the directions all the way around her. “She didn’t clean for you.”

Haha. I love that she knows me so well. But my question is… How does everyone else live??? in filth and clutter?? Nu uh. NEVER!

May 6, 2016

A break up is like a bad hang over. You swear off men and you swear off alcohol forever saying,

“I’m never doing that again….”

But… we all know… It’s just a matter of time.

what’s that smell?

April 8, 2016

Woke up late.

Rolled out of bed.

Took my pup out.

Threw my hair in a messy bun… like, not the sexy kind. It’s greasy and gross.

But I put on my skinny jeans and nude wedges… any time you can throw the word nude in your outfit you’re golden, right? I mean… I’m sure the men I work with would agree.

I completely thought this thru. They won’t notice the smell of my un-showered self if they can see the outline of my ass, right?

That’s not controversial or out of line with my feminist views of women at the office at all.

things i dislike…

January 8, 2016
  • When compliments are fished for. I don’t like stroking egos for the sake of an ego being stroked. I like to give compliments where they are needed and when they are evoked from me implicitly. I want to be inspired so strongly that it pops out! Or to lift someone’s spirit with one. But if I, for one second, think that this compliment is only going to inflate an already inflated head, I won’t do it. I will keep it. Even if its a noteworthy and an earned compliment. I keep it.
  • Carrying a clip board… there is no way to not look like a douche bag carrying one of those. It’s like mustaches… there’s no way to make it look good. I don’t care who you are (I’m talkin to you Tom Sellek, just because I wouldn’t recognize you without it doesn’t mean its doing anything to improve your look). A clip board says you think you are important. A clipboard says I’m about to boss you around. It says I’ve gotta boss so many people around that I can’t even memorize the list so see? I carry it on me.
  • Dreams about being pregnant… Or deciding on pregnancy… I wake up sad. And its probably not even literally about having a baby. It’s something less intuitive or whatever, right? Whatever.
  • Being unmotivated. Just get up and go, gah! I’m a type A person. So, my happy place is crossing off a check list and getting shit done. That alone gives me sooooo many feel goods… So being unmotivated makes me have the same amount of feels, but they are bad feels. I hate feeling the bad feels. Get up and go!
  • When money and/or distance is a pain point. Money and distance just shouldn’t be a factor in decisions or matters of the heart.
  • Not being able to say certain things because I don’t want to hurt feelings. This runs my verbal life. I put words on a pedal-stool because I can’t take them back. They are the most permanent thing on this planet. So usually if I’m in doubt, I keep them to myself, but… It’s not always healthy.
  • When someone says I’m “too nice”. Bitch please! This is a choice! I EFFING WANT TO BE NICE! BACK OFF! Just because I make you feel bad because you make all your decisions based on only your own wants and desires doesn’t mean you need to pull me into your selfish game.
  • When a friend chooses an ugly bridesmaid’s dress. A lot of us make fun of this. We joke about a bride being the best looking in the wedding party, and going as far as sabotaging the whole bridesmaid’s look. THIS IS REAL! I am in a wedding in a few weeks. My friend, the bride, is one of these woman. She has insecurities that run so deep she doesn’t even know about them. But they manifest themselves in ways like picking a bridesmaid’s dress that puffs out hips in a round marshmallow way instead of a curvy sexy way. I hate to think these decisions weren’t made subconsciously but I know her… and she thought about it. This is the same chick that made me turn around to go get my wedding ring that I accidentally left on the sink before going on a night on the town (when I was married and she wasn’t engaged). I said, “Oh shoot, I forgot my ring.” We are a mile from my house, not far, but super inconvenient. “You HAVE to turn around. Nu uh, you can’t go downtown without that.” She didn’t want me to even slightly appear available next to her. Maybe I should be flattered by this one, but I just find it odd and manipulating. True story. Anyway, back to the dress. I have a philosophy that I live by. I have gone against this time and time again, and each time I go against it I hate myself ALL day long. Philosophy: Never leave the house until you feel cute in what you are wearing. This really effects my self esteem. Its not worth saving time on settling for an outfit. I need to think I look cute. I don’t care who else thinks it. *I* need to think this. But in this dress I feel huge and frumpy. I’ll be the one at the wedding curled up (possibly under a table) with a stolen bottle of champagne. No, not the girl with the glass… the one next to her chugging from the bottle. (Wow, I really ranted about that one. Moving right along.)
  • When what-ifs take up even the most minuscule moment of my cognitive space. What-ifs take everything good out of the present. They are simply torture. I think If I was ever being questioned by the CIA you’d just have to put me in a room with all my what-ifs. It won’t be long that I’ll say anything and beg to be out of that room. I love now. And what-ifs just try to make me question everything, even all the things going right.
  • When people don’t yield when entering round-abouts. There’s one right outside of my apartment complex. Laying on my horn didn’t become a natural reflex till I started having to do this round-about multiple times a day. I honk like a New Yorker now. (Is that a thing?)
  • Being on-call on the weekends. Does this need any more explaining?? That’s me this weekend, btw.

Most of these bullet points merit a full blog post. But for the sake of positivity I’m going to get all the negative stuff down and out of the way. And because they are in my brain NOW and need OUT!

Happy Friday all!

boy B… thoughtful?

July 31, 2015

Who’s boy B? quick catchup here.

Boy B picked up girl.

Girl was surprisingly happy to see boy B.

Boy B took her to her “surprise that was sure to relax” her.

We pull up to a massage parlor!!! Massages are one of my favorite things. I love being touched. I love massages. I love everything about them. I’m excited. We go in and fill out the first time form and sit in the lobby waiting area.

Little Asian woman comes out and motions to us. “Me?” I say as I point to my chest. “Or him?” I point to boy B. She nods enthusiastically and motions for both of us to come. “Room 6.” I’m thoroughly confused at this point. But I follow her because somewhere around that corner I’m getting a massage! I walk into Room 6. 2 beds. No partitions. COUPLE’S MASSAGE?!?!?! I can’t help but laugh. I’m almost doubled over laughing.

Boy B that claims he can handle being just friends has scheduled a couple’s massage with girl.

He pokes his head in… clearly embarrassed… feigning cluelessness. Now, I don’t know if he meant to do this or not… he says he didn’t but I only believe him not at all. My hesitation on the logistics of it all didn’t last long.

I mean, hey, my FRIEND is buying me a massage! Fuck it. I take my shirt off. Remove my jeans. Lie face down and wait. I’m enjoying this regardless of any other naked body in the room.

So… if he was truly unaware of the “couples” part of the massage then this was extremely thoughtful. He knows I’ve been stressed and sad and it DEFINITELY cheered me up.

But… I mean, really how unaware was he? I’ll never know. Slick way to get me naked tho. And damn, that Asian woman knew what she was doing.

Happy Friday!