Archive for the ‘friends’ Category

hospital part 4

December 27, 2016

So, Tuesday Morning I was home by 10am!

Thank you thank you thank you! I was still so weak and so sore. I basically just
got into bed and chilled there the rest of the week. A few noteworthy things that
happened over the course of my hospital stay.

My ex-husband was around A LOT. And he’s the sweetest person. Him and his family
are givers. Most generous bunch you’ll ever meet. They are like that with
EVERYONE. There’s zero discrimination. People they just met, people they’ve known
forever. The bum on the side of the highway. The waitress that “must be having a
bad day.” Everyone. My ex brought me a goody bag of things. Christmas socks that
were the softest I’ve ever felt. Headbands for my gross hair I didn’t have the
energy to wash. He brought me his ipad to use. Chap stick… just because. He
stayed with me one afternoon. Held my hand. I NEEDED my hand held. I was in pain
and I was scared. It felt nice. His family even sent me flowers.

Also, the guy I’m seeing was out of town with his family. He was suppose to come
back on Friday. But Friday turned into Sunday. He got into town early afternoon.
He was going to come see me, but he came home to cat puke on his bed. Okay. Sure.
Clean your bed. Well then West World was on. Um… sure. Whatever. My other
friends were there. I didn’t need his company. Just wanted to see him. He finally showed up around 9:30pm. He was proud of himself for inconveniencing himself with a hospital trip. Sigh.

My mom was quick to point out the difference in the two men. She even said something about remarrying my ex… and things happening for a reason… and blah blah blah. I can’t even sometimes. It was very nice having someone do special things for me and to help me in a time of need. Very nice. But remarry nice? I mean… come on… let’s not rush ourselves. But, honestly… it was really hard not to think about that. Really hard. I’ve done a really good job not comparing people to my ex up until this point.

Plus the other guy… he may just not be good at comforting or know how to deal with sickness. It’s a gift that not everyone has. Sickness is an inconvenience more than anything. Sigh… whatever. Blah blah blah. Excuses excuses excuses.

But in his defense he ended up coming in after work on Monday and staying all evening. My other friends came too. We pretty much had a party in my room. I’m sure the nurses LOVED that. Too bad I was only on Tylenol by then. 🙂 I really am lucky to have such great people in my life.

hospital part 3

December 27, 2016

Over the next few days I needed help getting out of bed. I didn’t eat for 2 full
days…. if you know me you know this is a huge indicator of illness. I’m the kind
of girl that binge eats even with the stomach flu. I’m all about some food. I am
an addict…

And food was not an option. Even with pain meds I couldn’t. Not only was it a bad
idea I was terrified of food. How could food betray me like this. What else was it
capable of??!

I’d take a few sips of clear fluids… that’s about it. I was hooked up to an IV
drip so I knew I wasn’t going to dehydrate to death and as far as I was concerned
that’s the most I needed til my tummy sorted itself out.

I felt like I had been doing crunches and leg lifts and knee raises for 24 hours
straight. Everything inside me was swollen. It hurt so badly. Dilauded was an
around the clock event for me. I couldn’t sleep for longer than 4 hours straight
because I would wake up in pain. With the help of the antibiotics my white blood
cell count got within normal range in about 48 hours.

At this point I started feeling a lot better. I was still weak and I was still
unable to eat but I was finally able to take in my surroundings. I started to loathe
peeing in a toilet that had a pee catcher in it. It was cold and wet and sitting
on it felt disgusting. I started smelling like the hospital. I was ready to not be
here any more.

As my friends were getting back into town from their thanksgiving breaks they came
to see me. I am so blessed to have such a great solid foundation of family and
friends. The second night I was there my sister stayed with me, and my brother
stayed the following night. I gave everyone the night off for my final night as I
was able to do things by myself again. Turned out to be a bit too ambitious, but I got through it.

I asked to go home after my third night and the doctors basically told me to shut
up, sit back, and be a patient. I was “very sick”. Oh yeah. I forgot. I mean I
knew I didn’t feel normal. And I knew there was pain… but I forgot that the
hospital was where I NEEDED to be. It’s humbling and weird being the patient…
Like, why all the fuss over little ole me? Oh yeah, I’m sick. Why was denial such a real thing here?

But since I expressed my desire to go home the doctor switched me to all oral meds instead of IV meds and took away my iv pain meds too. Shucks! But It was worth it to get out of that place! So from then on it was just Tylenol. Which by far wasn’t enough but I was determined. If that went well for the next 24 hours I could go home.

to be known

September 29, 2016

Had girl’s night last night. My best friend, E, brought in someone new.

Side topic: why am I always so hesistant about new females? Whether they are friends of my girl friends or guy friends.

Her friend… let’s call her S. S brought an avacodo salsa that was AMAZING and she tipped the scales with some hint of lime chips. I pretty much took it over. They were fine with the pizza they ordered so I didn’t feel bad in the least!

When it was time for them to go (we were at my apartment) she asked if I wanted the rest of that salsa because that was just a tiny bit of the portion she actually made. Um… hellz yes, but do not leave that bag o chips! THat’ll make a great pre-workout snack!

So I emptied her dish into one of my tupperware containers. I then walked over to my sink and started cleaning the glass dish. Okay, so… when it comes to glass serving or mixing bowls I get some deep satisfaction cleaning it. Especially the clear glass! I mean… I don’t know what it’s about. But it wasn’t a chore at all. In mid rinse S says “Oh you didn’t have to clean it. I was just gonna take it as is.” E immediately says, “That’s just Michelle.” She swept her arms in the directions all the way around her. “She didn’t clean for you.”

Haha. I love that she knows me so well. But my question is… How does everyone else live??? in filth and clutter?? Nu uh. NEVER!

letting go of him and grabbing friends

May 24, 2016

When he broke up with me a few weeks ago I could tell he was still on the fence. He would come over unannounced. We’d talk. I’d cry. He’d leave. I knew he was battling the decision. So I did what any sane girl that is insanely in love would do. I begged the shit out of him. Even in the moment I felt pathetic. But I absolutely couldn’t just let this happen without him knowing my stance on this.

I hated being that girl. But if I still had a say in this decision… By golly I was saying it!

This time… just a few weeks later… Hearing him break up with me again I knew it was different. There was nothing to fight for.

Last time he made the decision out of anger. Pure, raw emotion drove those words. This time… It wasn’t some action that evoked a feeling. He was just… simply… done. So to fight would be futile. I’d be an annoyance. I’m not going to be an annoyance in this situation. If you are done, then I will graciously accept that. I mean, I will cry. And violently so… maybe even in front of you (which, yes, did happen… there was no dignity) but I will still take it like a big girl and let you go.

When I say big girl, I mean I’ll cry like a baby for days and let all my friends carry me through. And they have. I have some of the best people around me.

My best friend brought over wine, pizza, and every single ben and jerry’s flavor that contains cookie dough… there are 3, btw.

Then after a few days of wine and beer binging I had a friend surprise me with Gatorade at my desk on Monday morning.

I love my people. It’s just the perfect moment for people to show me that I’m valued. I needed it. Need it.

So even tho I’m hurting in the worst possible way, I’m grateful for all the other people in my life that would love to take this burden of pain from me. And would do it without thinking if they could. But of course, I wouldn’t let them feel this if they didn’t have to… well, maybe I’d give them just enough of it to take the edge off 🙂 I mean, hey! They offered!

he’s got a girlfriend??

March 18, 2016

So, its no secret that I still communicate with my ex husband. I went through several phases with this. As expected I think. You know, the wish he didn’t exist phase. The wish my family didn’t know he exists phase. Then it morphed at some point. I can talk to him easily. I can seek his advice. I know he will always be someone I can lean on if I need it. He really is a great guy.

With that said, as someone that talks to her ex regularly I felt he needed to know that I was dating someone. So back in October or November, whenever me and A made it official, I slipped it into one of our conversations. Out of respect. If he is going to consider me a friend, if we are doing this friend thing, then that is a tid bit you would tell a friend. I didn’t want to lie, not even by omission. Nothing malicious about it. I was just informing him. Respect, right?

A few months back, I had to get his help with something on my taxes. Okay, so I didn’t HAVE to… but he was my tax guy before. He was my everything guy before. It’s a rough transition to have an everything guy to having no guy, then to having a long distance guy that is terrible at adulting guy. Anyway… He helped me do my taxes. It was the first time on my own. It was nice to have him walk me through it. It was good of him to help. He brought beer and sushi… It was a fun time.

I asked him then if he was dating any one. Just part of a conversation. I really want to know these things. Lots of reasons behind it. Some reasons are completely legit. I care about him as a person and his happiness and well being. But some are less legit like – should I be worried about a girl beating me up for asking for his help while we drink beer and hang out for the evening. Or even less legit reasons and thought processes. Like… how jealous should I be? Is she skinnier than me? Will his family like her more? And can I take her?

Anyway, for all the reasons I asked him. He said “No.” Satiates my curiousity, right?

Fast forward to last Monday night. Went out for drinks with friends/co-workers. They wanted to make sure I was okay after this break up. Through the night I find out that the chick I see my ex husband in the halls with (yes, I still work in the same building as him – hey, I didn’t say this was healthy) is his girlfriend. COME AGAIN? His GIRLFRIEND? He’s got a whah?

I do understand why he wouldn’t want to tell me. And I get that it’s not the most comfortable conversation to have with your ex. And maybe I am grateful for being blissfully unaware that there’s a woman at work (she’s totally just a girl tho) whose eyes are on me with all its reigning judgment. (Maybe that’s too dramatic.) Truth be told I do see them together, but I couldn’t have picked her out of a line up. Not until now! I got them to show me her face. And I started picking her apart and verbally ripping her to shreds!

PAUSE! This isn’t me. Why do I care that she walks funny, that her teeth are weird, and her hair is as thin as mine? Who the fuck cares?! Why do I get pleasure from someone telling me I’m prettier than her? I know this reaction is all too normal. But why? I don’t want to be the person to take pleasure in these things. But I do! It made my heart smile to hear that she has a dud of a personality. I don’t know her. I have never even shared a superficial, small-talk greeting with her. I have no basis in reality for judging her so much. I’m ashamed that I feel this way. But I do. So I guess this is me. I’m normal. I’m human. I can try to fight it. That will help a bit. But… I’ve already shown my true colors. It’s already out. I’m… THAT girl.

I have some growing to do as an individual and as a woman. I guess it’s good to see this in such a controlled environment… Not that I thought I was done with myself. A complete and perfect indivdiual. Not by far. But… Yeah, I’ve got work to do.

another mitch post

March 9, 2016

So… Last night was awesome. We had a great time. Taco Tuesdays with $4 tequila shots and $3 Coronas. We didn’t go overboard tho. Not even a smidge of hangover this morning. We just got relaxed and giggly together. Watched his friend play guitar on stage. One of my favorite combinations on the planet. Friends. Drinks. Live acoustic music.

Did I mention that I love his energy? He is just charged with something. I love having that around.

We talked about his disappearing act. He was not happy with how he did that. He told me that he did that with everyone. I believe him.

Sounds like that last girl was a huge rollercoaster of crazy. Glad he got out. Glad to have my friend back!

more on mitch

March 8, 2016

We were hanging out a lot last spring and summer. He was living with his girlfriend of 3 years and they just moved about 2 miles away. We would go on bike rides. Grab beers. Hang out. He’s so fun to be around. He’s a happy guy. Great beard. So so handsome. Goofy. Up for adventrue. No, not just up for adventure. He makes the adventures happen.

I went through my blog knowing I’d written about him last summer, but alas, I did not. I don’t know how he slipped through the cracks. But of course when me and M broke up in June(ish?) and I was not particularly excited about men in general. Plus, he had a live in girlfriend so to me it was all on the up and up…. for the most part.

He made it clear that he liked me. But… I was distracted enough with the on-again-off-again pattern me and M had that I could easily say, “Sorry, I’ve been on both sides of the infidelity train and I promise you don’t want to do that.” So we continued as friends. Easy as that.

Then, late last summer he announces that he and his girlfriend had broken up. Now, I already knew that he had been debating this a long time. He had been teetering on this trigger for a solid year. I couldn’t believe someone that complacent would just kind of let the time go by. He was busy with school. They lived together. It was easy. They didn’t not get along… he just knew that she wasn’t the one. So when she started talking engagement and wedding he knew it was time I guess. Too bad he couldn’t have done that sooner for her sake, but such as life sometimes.

Anyway, when he was single, then I was single we increased our hang outs. We still didn’t cross any lines, and honestly this confused me. But I wasn’t going to push a damn thing. I had just found Sir T. So, it was a hell of a lot easier for me to not cross into the gray area with him because I didn’t want to have to ask permission for anything. Total sub move, right?! And mitch seemed satisfied with our friendship.

Anyway, before he disappeared to his new girlfriend and I disappeared to my boyfriend… we managed a make out session. Great kisser. But that is where we left it.

Anyway, we are going to a concert tonight. I’m pretty excited to see him. I haven’t seen him since September. And last night I had a dream that me and him went drinking and passed out on my couch. It was fun in my dream! Maybe we’ll make that happen tonight. 😀

Again, I know. I’m in a situation where  I know I don’t want to cheat on Andy, but I’m playing with fire. Will this be the rest of my life? I’m not trying to lie to myself about the situation. I’m happy to be hanging out with my friend tonight. And we’ll see what happens. But the goal is to keep up those boundaries. He knows about Andy, and he hasn’t pushed the lines so far. I don’t get worried about this till I start typing about it… I’m over thinking this.

mitch

March 7, 2016

I have a friend that disappears on me when he is dating someone. I mean, disappears. Ignores me. Gone. Doesn’t exist. Then the second he is single he calls me. Not just text. He wants to hang out. Talk on the phone. He just out of the blue texted me yesterday morning for the first time in 6 months.

I am a very forgiving, understanding, no grudge holding, non-judgmental friend. And I know that that is a recipe for being bull dozed.

And If I think about it, I can get a little angry about the last few interactions we had. Very short and cold and no explanation. In fact, I didn’t even know he had a girlfriend. I thought he just stopped wanting to be my friend.

This has happened before with him. He just kind of drops off the planet. he doesn’t warn you. He doesn’t try to explain anything.

I talked to him for an hour yesterday. He’s immediately my best friend again. Text messages last night and this morning.

I can’t help but think maybe I’m doing this friendship thing wrong.

I really don’t feel that mad at him. I just know that I should be a little perturbed. It’s easy for me to shake off tho. I just hate losing people.

I just lost panman, so I’m happy to have this guy back… I just wish it wasn’t so easy for people to leave.

missing panman

March 2, 2016

Panman was becoming one of my closest friends. I value him. I respect him. I enjoy him.

When I didn’t break up with A he stopped speaking to me. He didn’t even listen to my reasoning. He didn’t let me talk it out with him. I needed him to be open.

I miss him. It’s not fair. I want him back. Why can’t I have my friend back. He has his person. And I have mine. Why can’t that be okay?

I feel like there is a weird double standard somewhere in all this. He wanted me to join him in his open relationship but he isn’t willing to be third party to mine? Okay, no I don’t want that, I just meant… Why does it have to be in that capacity for him to accept me as a person and friend?

I wish he would hear me out. I haven’t talked to him in 3 days. And it feels like forever.

And I know I say “friendship” and I know I wish that is where we could leave it. But at the same time I just want to crawl in his lap and have him hold me and call me his baby girl. Tell me I’m perfect and beautiful and stroke my hair.

Where does that even come from? Why is that desire there? I want to be with A. And I don’t need a romantic relationship with panman…. but I want him to shelter me all the same.

I guess I have some double standard-ing going on too. Just… don’t know how to reconcile it all.

I miss him.

his b-day wish and my pedestal

February 1, 2016

Panman has expressed a birthday wish to me. A plea really….

He wants to paint my canvas. He wants to bruise me. He wants to use his new toys on me.

Me.

Aside from wishing someone would beat me and leave me so bad off I’m marked for a week, I would love to give him what he wants for his birthday. He’s so sweet to me. He treats me like a princess. And I don’t know that I’ve known this treatment from anyone else at quite the level he offers it.

It comes from somewhere extremely deep. From his DNA. He does it effortlessly. It’s like, the things he does for me aren’t sacrifices. Usually when you treat people well, or if you are trying to make someone else happy you pull that from a place of sacrifice. You decide the sacrifice is worth it. But… it’s not a sacrifice for him. It’s not costing him anything. I don’t know how to explain it except that he truly makes me believe his only aim is to make me happy. And my happiness equals his happiness. Period. End of story. No strings.

I’ve had guys say this. “If you’re happy, I’m happy.” I’ve had parents say this. But always always they have proved otherwise or they have shown sacrifice. And there is NOTHING wrong with making sacrifices for other’s happiness. It’s a trait that good people possess. We do this at least a few times daily without even realizing it. And I’ve had guys willing to sacrifice a SHIT TON to make me happy. But my point is… there’s no sacrifice from panman.

I’m not forgetting about Andy here. I’m not. I’m not jumping in bed with panman. I’m not ending things with Andy. Andy is still very much in the picture. I’d have to ask Andy about letting panman scene me. I’m not sure I’m ready for that conversation yet. I have a few months to figure that one out tho.

I just needed to say it. I feel like I’m using panman just being around him. But I never ask for anything. And in his opinion I shouldn’t have to ask. I want to pull myself off the pedestal in his brain where I sit. I’m too clumsy to be sitting that high.