Archive for the ‘Food addiction’ Category

hospital part 3

December 27, 2016

Over the next few days I needed help getting out of bed. I didn’t eat for 2 full
days…. if you know me you know this is a huge indicator of illness. I’m the kind
of girl that binge eats even with the stomach flu. I’m all about some food. I am
an addict…

And food was not an option. Even with pain meds I couldn’t. Not only was it a bad
idea I was terrified of food. How could food betray me like this. What else was it
capable of??!

I’d take a few sips of clear fluids… that’s about it. I was hooked up to an IV
drip so I knew I wasn’t going to dehydrate to death and as far as I was concerned
that’s the most I needed til my tummy sorted itself out.

I felt like I had been doing crunches and leg lifts and knee raises for 24 hours
straight. Everything inside me was swollen. It hurt so badly. Dilauded was an
around the clock event for me. I couldn’t sleep for longer than 4 hours straight
because I would wake up in pain. With the help of the antibiotics my white blood
cell count got within normal range in about 48 hours.

At this point I started feeling a lot better. I was still weak and I was still
unable to eat but I was finally able to take in my surroundings. I started to loathe
peeing in a toilet that had a pee catcher in it. It was cold and wet and sitting
on it felt disgusting. I started smelling like the hospital. I was ready to not be
here any more.

As my friends were getting back into town from their thanksgiving breaks they came
to see me. I am so blessed to have such a great solid foundation of family and
friends. The second night I was there my sister stayed with me, and my brother
stayed the following night. I gave everyone the night off for my final night as I
was able to do things by myself again. Turned out to be a bit too ambitious, but I got through it.

I asked to go home after my third night and the doctors basically told me to shut
up, sit back, and be a patient. I was “very sick”. Oh yeah. I forgot. I mean I
knew I didn’t feel normal. And I knew there was pain… but I forgot that the
hospital was where I NEEDED to be. It’s humbling and weird being the patient…
Like, why all the fuss over little ole me? Oh yeah, I’m sick. Why was denial such a real thing here?

But since I expressed my desire to go home the doctor switched me to all oral meds instead of IV meds and took away my iv pain meds too. Shucks! But It was worth it to get out of that place! So from then on it was just Tylenol. Which by far wasn’t enough but I was determined. If that went well for the next 24 hours I could go home.

week ???

October 11, 2016

I have no idea where I am in this whole weight loss challenge. I do know that I’m JUST NOW under 160. That took for friggin ever! My birthday really threw in a rough kink. I swear it was the birthday that never ended. I had so many dinners and lunches and celebrations. Gah! It was awesome! But impossible to stay on track.

So the scale isn’t budging much, but holy cow! My clothes. The mirror. They don’t lie. INCHES INCHES INCHES. I feel amazing.

This is by far the longest I’ve been this consistent. I’ve meal prepped so much in the last 3 months. It’s insane.

For the first 5 or 6 weeks I didn’t struggle much with my binge eating. But after that it’s been so so tough. I know that a lot of that has to do with my birthday and making so many exceptions. Once you have the bad things in your veins that is ALL you want. And ALL you think about. And when the craving hits…. game over. It’s been rough.

Everything in the gym has improvemed. I ABSOLUTELY love it. The feeling is beyond what I ever expected.

I have good brain days and bad brain days. But the fact that I have a few skinny brain days cropping up is such an awesome gift and such a telling side effect.

So while I won’t make any money off this weight loss challenge, I’ve definitely made some great mental strides here and very evident physical ones. I wore a bathing suit this weekend (too cold to swim but perfect for poolside reading in the sun!) that I’ve put on twice this summer and promptly took off. I put it on this weekend and didn’t feel compelled to jump out of it! I even got a compliment from my brother. MY BROTHER! A brother compliment!!!! WHAT?!?!

week 8

September 13, 2016

So you know how you have those days where you wake up feeling disgusting. Gross. Bloated. Fat as the bed you are in. You don’t want any one to look at you. You don’t want to deal with people. You kind of want to cry. Nothing fits. Nothing that fits looks good. And you know it will make the day even worse.

Well, today is THE OPPOSITE OF ONE OF THOSE DAYS.

I don’t know that I’ve ever had so many bad days to wake up with a skinny day? Is that a thing? Fat days, I get. But skinny days??? What??? Am I dehydrated? Did I not eat yesterday? No! I even hit my gallon of water yesterday. I did grab two workouts. One including some heavy lifting and the other some really intense cardio… Hmmm…. Maybe I DO need the combo. Drats. Lol. Also my diet was perfect yesterday. Lots of protein. And all day control.

Makes me want to recreate everything I did yesterday to recreate such a great moment this morning as I looked in the mirror. It just doesn’t happen often. It doesn’t. My poor ole body image. Its wrecked.

Anyway, that is all I had today. I’m starting week 8. Week 8 of 17. Geez. The big picture view is way harder than the daily view. I get so impatient. But today is a good day, and I’ll take that any day.

week 7

September 6, 2016

Beginning of week 7… I’m not optimistic about the numbers on the scale still. But still feel fantastic. I don’t think the big number I was aiming for in the beginning of this is feasible. I am doing my best and the numbers just aren’t happening. I’m not letting myself get too down over the numbers. The mirror is being good to me. So I’ll have to go with that. The big number is 30 lbs in 17 weeks. But now Hoping for 22? I don’t know. I’ve added heavier lifting and more cardio through the week. I’m interested in seeing what will come of that.

The consistency part is the best part about this whole thing. It really feels like a life style change this time.

I’m struggling a little bit not to binge since my vacation. I took time off of being super strict and my cravings are starting to wear me out. I gave last night. I snaked out on some chips and cheese dip. I didn’t eat it all tho. Whoa. I just realized that. I DIDN’T FINISH THE BAG OR THE TUB OF CHEESE!! Maybe even with the binge there is improvement!

I just have to push passed all the dang cravings. The break wasn’t worth how hard it is hitting it again.

So… to break or not to break next time?

It’s either go insane not taking a cheat or go insane after a cheat. What’s easier? What is better for me long term?

I’ll have to stick with where my cheating was what I was eating and not the amount I was eating. I was cheating but keeping the calorie count where it needed to be. Maybe that’s the ticket. I’ll try that again this week.

I don’t know if you can tell, but I’m trying to talk myself into a better brain space here. Fake it til I make it, right?? Because really I do feel good about all this. I just hoped that my best would look a bit better than this. Let’s see what week 7 looks like. I won’t have numbers to post or compare because I’ve put my scale up. But lets see where my brain is later this week.

week 6

September 2, 2016

Being on vacation obviously makes a diet impossible. And actually, like most people, I took a vacation from dieting too.

I spent a few days resisting the extra calories, but by day 3 I was in full vacation mode. And I’m glad I loosened up a bit. I had a blast!!!!!! The ultimate Maine experience!

  • whale watching
  • sailing
  • kayaking
  • hiking
  • lobster and blueberry pie eatin!

So much fun with two girlfriends from college that I got to be extremely goofy with. I got the BEST pics. So so so much fun.

I needed to be with people who made me loosen up on the calorie front and cash front. I’m so cheap!

And the whole trip, with airfair and food and entertainment, and other travel expenses came out to just over $1000… And I haven’t vacationed in 2.5 years! So I feel pretty good about all that.

As far as the diet is concerned I have put my scale away. I’m going to continue to prep food, make healthy decisions, up my cardo, and add a few focused strength cycles. I feel great! And I shouldn’t let the scale dictate my mood. So for at least a few more weeks the scale is up on top of my fridge way back in the back. I not only need a step stool, but I also have to climb on top of my counters before I can reach it. So! Here’s to chipping away at the ole body!!!

And a noteworthy event: I’m in new jeans and they are a size down!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy friday all!

week 3

August 8, 2016

It’s the beginning of week 3 and I’m already ahead of the game!

Can I keep this up for 13 more weeks???? I’m chugging at full steam and I just hope that the results motivate me to continue.

I love when a Monday rolls around and I feel comfortable in slacks with a button. Doesn’t happen often!

You guys know what I’m talkin’ ’bout.

I have vacation at the end of this month. It’s gonna be a super outdoorsy vacation with some girlfriends from college. They are both very energetic and very in shape. I am in shape. But it sure would be nice to not only hang with them on the trails but also the bars at night!

Usually in a group of girls I resign myself to the wing man… I kind of shift my acceptance of myself to help my sanity and self esteem. Sounds awful right??? Geez. All this negative self talk. I am working on it.

Well, I feel great right now and I can only imagine what 3 more weeks will do! I think this vacation might drive me for a few weeks. Extra drive, that is. 🙂

I have all my food prepped for another week. Prepping food gives me a fighting chance against my emotional hunger. My binges (for some reason) aren’t triggered by having that kind of food in my apartment. Well, I say that. If I have food prepped and separated in tupperware I won’t binge on it. Unlike if I were to just make a big bowl of tuna salad and just spoon out what I want for that meal… at that point seconds happen, then thirds, then… there goes my lunches for the week. Oops. But I’m ready. Lets kick ass another week, shall we!?

Happy Monday!

week 2 continued…

August 3, 2016

I am kicking ass this week. Boom. Bam. Wapow!

I feel great. I always forget how strong I feel in the gym and how slim I feel every where else when I clean up my diet.

So far the week has been way too busy to have time to mess it up or even think about bingeing.

It’s early yet. But I feel GREAT!

Three events have been cancelled this week that would test my self discpline. I’m really really happy about it. While I know I need practice making the right decisions, I’m grateful to get one more week under my belt before relying on self control.

I’ve put up my scale so that I’m not tempted. The numbers on the scale just give me an excuse to crash diet or slack off. So, I’m going to try to keep my weigh ins on Mondays only and stick to my meal plan.

Just going to feel good about feeling good and keep on keepin on.

Week 2

August 1, 2016

Week 1 went well enough. There were several events that I blew the diet. But I worked out 6 days out of 7. I’m really going to have to learn how to keep my social life and not over do it. It’ll take practice. I’m up for the challenge. 

I’m more than prepared for this week. I prepped every meal for the entire week yesterday. Took about 3 and half hours if you include the grocery trip. 1200 calories every day of mostly clean and high quality food. The most I’ll have to do is grill some shrimp for a few dinners to throw in with my spaghetti squash. But that takes no time at all!

I’m proud and pumped. Ready to kick week 2’s ass!

BAM!!

week 1

July 26, 2016

I keep getting that feeling in my forearms today. That rejected feeling. It kind of moves in a swirling pattern. I don’t know why my emotions can’t recover. They just plain can’t. I have great moments. Moments I don’t think about the sadness. And moments where I’m enjoying the now and the people around me. But this cloud is hovering still.

I’m starting a new weight loss journey today. Something a bit more focused than the moderation i’ve been doing lately. I mean, i’ve been doing moderate extremely well. I was very forgiving of myself. I had pizza and cheese dip and beer. But i’d also prep food for several days of clean eating.

I need more tho. It’s not enough. It’s time to get to my goal. It truly is. I’ve spent 7 years now sitting in a better position and in better health than previously but it’s time to take it all the way. Take it to the ideal. To my ideal.

I’ve come into an interesting situation. I have a person in my life that has seen my struggle for years. My day to day battle with emotional eating and working out a shit ton. And always coming up even. They have made me an offer I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT REFUSE.

If I front $200 then in 17 weeks time if I lose 30 pounds I will receive $1000. I think it’s brilliant. I need to lose 1.8 pounds per week to do this. I have to be consistent for 3 full months. I’m dreading all those binge-ful moments where I have to confront so many demons versus literally stuffing them down with food. I’m scared that this motivation won’t be enough. I’m scared.

But I think if I remain patient with myself while also having a sense of urgency with each food decision I make then I can do this. If I don’t do it this time then I can’t see myself ever doing it. I work really hard to always go backwards. Really hard. It’s quite depressing what I could’ve accomplished with all that effort without the backsliding.

I’m going to try to do this. Week 1 starts today. Each Monday in my calendar has a new number that I should weigh that day if I want to stay on track. My hope is that the beginning goes a bit quicker than the pace I’ve set out so that towards the end, when I’m down to those vanity pounds, I can put the same kind of effort in with enough results to make it.

So while I’m really sad and feeling very refected today by the world I’m also hopeful. I’m also grateful for a focus. Let’s see what happens.

7/26/16 167.8lbs

mirror therapy

February 15, 2016

I have this big-ass mirror in my living room…. it’s just propped up on the biggest empty wall in my apartment. I knew that I wanted the mirror when I got my divorce, but turns out a small 1 bedroom apartment doesn’t accommodate such large items. But I couldn’t lose my ability to see my hair and shoes in the same frame – a girl needs these things. So it just sits there. As soon as I enter my apartment it greets me, sometimes before my dog does. I walk by it several times a day.

Some days this isn’t an easy thing to live with. But sometimes I’m pleasantly surprised by my reflection. I started to wonder if it was becoming detrimental to my self image recently. But one day I had a revelation…

I took off my clothes and sat right there in the middle of my living room in front of my big-ass mirror – as I affectionately call it.

At first I zoned in on my “problem areas”. Hate. hate. hate. I suck. I’m ugly. I can’t fix it. I’ve tried. Ain’t never gonna happen. My obsession is in my mid section. I have this huge inner tube that I swear is the first and only thing that anyone can possibly notice. If they somehow do get past that I’ve got this red birthmark on my right cheek. No, I am not over heated; no, I do not have Rosacea; no, (this one is my favorite) I did not get punched; and no, I am not effing blushing! Thank you!

I continued to sit. And look.

I don’t know how long it took, but I started to separate from the image in the mirror. I became a third party spectator. And you know what? Nothing was that bad. In fact, there were a lot of redeeming qualities there. I have great legs on anyone’s standards. Thick thighs… well, that doesn’t seem too un-sexy… I can totally see how they’d be preferable. That mid section…. it’s not THAT gigantic. It’s not… the only thing that exists in this image. And holy shit, I have great complexion. Every other inch of my face is porcelain-like… I mean… pale? Maybe – but not in a sick way. Could I use some sun? Always. But, the complexion is undeniably enviable.

I reached for my phone. I know, I know, In this day and age reaching for a camera is nothing special. But for me to even humor the idea of a naked picture?! And I don’t mean a pic you take to send to someone that asks or anything to do with sexuality in any form, but a pic just to admire yourself….? That’s different. Now, I’m not saying I took the pics, admired, saved, and shared. No, I didn’t even save them. I looked. I did admire. I liked what I saw. It wasn’t ugly. I didn’t stop at the terrible spots on my body and dwell. I simply looked and didn’t hate myself! I more than didn’t hate it. I was more than accepting of it. I liked it. It was a positive feeling. Not just neutral!

I wish I could say that I left that moment and I was cured of wherever I normally land on the body dysmorphic disorder spectrum… No, I left that moment and it didn’t take long for my insecurities to come rushing back. The self doubt, the self hate, the self dwelling on “bad” body parts. But…

Mirror Therapy. I’m making it a thing. I’m going to track the long term effects. I’m going to see if I can take those moments of clarity and see if I can’t transcend them to my every day ideas of myself for longer and longer periods of time.