Archive for the ‘family’ Category

personal boundaries

October 10, 2017

I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately. You know how when you pray for patience you should expect the opportunity to practice it instead of just being given good patience magically? Well as soon as I put this intention about my boundaries out into the universe the universe handed me a boatload of opportunities to stick up for myself. 

I had a guy that abasically assaulted me years ago call me. Ok… So that one was easy… But the universe knew I needed a softball to get my feet wet. Then another guy that use to be a playmate asked to scene with me, and I was able to shut him down because of his current relationship status. I wasn’t interested in being the chick on the side even if it was just to scene with. 

All those were just practice for this one tho… My father. Specifically his girlfriend. A girl that is younger than me and hooked on drugs. I’m the only one out of all my siblings that will even allow this girl in my current place of residency. They came over and stayed the night. She ended up stealing some of my clothes. There’s a huge long back story to all this that I don’t have the energy to go into, but I finally did it. I cut my father off. Well, until he ditches the addict. I know I know.  You might say the heart wants what it wants, but my father does not want this chick. If she made him happy this would be a different story. He keeps telling me he feels trapped. And she’s abusive. But that’s all part of that long back story. It’s unhealthy and I can no longer be in support of it. And stealing my clothes… Ugh. Maybe I’ll go in to more detail at another time. Sigh. 

Anyway. Somehow the universe gave me a fuse just short enough to be able to build some much needed walls. 

It’s interesting to me… I’m so gracious with people. And for the most part I love this about me. It makes me unique. It’s my super power and why I’m such a good friend. But lately I’ve just been railroaded because of it. Gracious to a fucking fault. Which is sad because like I said I really like this about me. Usually. I know there’s a balance… I need to take this gift I have and make it a better art form. Sprinkle in some discernment. And make sure I am kept safe while being the best me possible.

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hospital part 2

December 27, 2016

I’m curled up onto my ex-husband in the waiting room for all of 2 minutes before my name is called. I’m so grateful. The pain. Just take the pain away… it’s the only thought I have. I b-line (with assistance) to the wheel chair no one offered me… but I knew I couldn’t stand much less walk on my own. Pain.

Someone is wheeling me thru a few door ways. The tunnel is closing in. “Pass out. I’m going to pass out.” “No you aren’t, hun.” White fuzzies take over my entire line of vision. But I never lose consciousness. Another woman barks at me to take off everything from the waist up. I can’t. “I can’t.” “Yes you can. Move to the bed please.” I can’t. “Help.” She pats the bed. I somehow pull off the sweatshirt my brother put on me. And peel off the tiny camisole I stripped down to when I got home from work that afternoon.

I even manage to get on the bed. She’s asking me questions. I can’t answer in more than 2 syllables. I can hardly concentrate on their words. Pain. Please fix my pain. My inner dialog… pain. take the pain away. please help with the pain. “where does it hurt. what kind of pain. how many times have you puked. Do you have gall bladder problems” ON and on and on with the questions. I moan and grunt my way thru. I guess she is satisfied. She leaves. Why didn’t she fix my pain?

The next lady comes in with a jug, A BIG ASS JUG, of liquid. “Okay, hon. You have to drink this for the CT.” More inner dialog. I can’t take a sip of water without puking painfully. There is no way in hell that is staying down and zero chance of me giving it the opportunity. “Ice or no ice, hon?” What is ice? PAIN PAIN PAIN. “Do you want it orange flavored?” Orange? What is orange? More grunting. I must have answered because she threw out the ice and added the orange powder to the jug. She stares at me for a few seconds longer. “I’m just going to set this right here.” She leaves.

The other lady comes back in and shoots a few things into my IV. THANK GOD. It wasn’t life altering but at least it settled my stomach and took the edge off. By this point my whole torso hurt and my stomach was spasming with each exhale and inhale. This was improvement. I started being able to speak. I asked for my mom. They found her and she came to sit with me. She helped me drink the jug of liquid I needed for the CT contrast later.

The CT scan showed that my bowels were completely inflamed. The doctor used the phrase “rip roaring-ly inflamed”. My blood work showed that my white blood cell count was up at 36k. Healthy range is 4k-10k. After that they busted out the good stuff and treated me a lot nicer. Holy f&*#ing $h!t…. Dilaudid is amazing. Felt like a cloud came up around me and enveloped me. Finally relief! and sleep. I was so so grateful. Me and my mom only waited another hour before they admitted me and we were both able to get better rest. I was so glad she was there. I felt awful that she was up all night and worrying with me, but nothing is better at your sickbed than your mommy.

more what?

December 20, 2016

While me and my little brother were talking about life and love and happiness over a few beers he said a few things to me that got me thinking.

He told me I deserved so much more than what I was grasping for in life. He specifically meant my love life. He’s met my current guy and while he doesn’t disapprove he thinks that I can do better.

I deserve more.

I keep thinking about this lately.

And do I? Do I deserve more? Why? Why does anyone deserve anything? What is more? I can’t stop thinking about this. Frankly, I don’t agree with him. Not that I think that I don’t have enough now. I just don’t know that I agree that I’m 1) deserving of more or 2) in need of more. It’s one thing if I’m being treated badly or if I’m being ignored. But what is this more he speaks of? Am I missing something I don’t even realize? Should my self worth reflect what I have or what I *should* have?

I don’t have answers today. Just questions… hardly questions… just thoughts. I’ve always been good at not needing answers.

thanksgiving 2016

December 20, 2016

So thanksgiving was coming up and I was really dreading it. It’s just not the same since 1) I’ve been working for a retail company and 2) my parent’s split up. Our family doesn’t have a home base anymore, ya know? So plans don’t come together well at all.

My mom decided to take her vacation with her fiance during that week because last year was so disastrous. I don’t blame her one bit. My 2 oldest brothers and my sister have their families that they can build plans around. And my dad? He always crashes some poor neighbor’s thanksgiving. That left me and my little brother all orphaned.

On top of that I was on-call and I only got that Thursday off from work. Nothing seemed to be shaping up into a traditional holiday. I was sad over it.

Less than a week to thanksgiving I talk to my sister and find out she plans on being in my area so that her son’s father can have him for the week. This means she’d be staying with me for several days! So I called my little brother and asked if he’d like to do a meal at my place.

My place = 1 bedroom apartment with no place for even a dining room table. But that didn’t mean we couldn’t all hang out and eat awkwardly off my coffee table together!

The night before my sister tells me she’s running a day late… You heard me. Lol… a full day late. Instead of coming in Wednesday afternoon she had to take advantage of an opportunity I don’t blame her for. So she’ll be there around 3pm on Thanksgiving day. Anyway, Wednesday night my little brother comes over to help cook.

Actually he ended up being the bartender while I baked and prepped. It was a lot of fun. After we consumed a few eggnog cocktails he wanted to show off his new car. Responsible order, I know… But the cocktails were so involved we didn’t have much before heading out. SWEAR! As we round a few blocks we decide to go to my favorite and closest bar. We had a few beers.

Me and my little brother have gotten so close in the last 3 years. We are both in the same area. We’ve both had a few hard times. I guess that makes for some good bonding fodder. We talk about really in depth things. Family things. Significant other things. Past things. Future things. And doing it over a few beers is ALWAYS more productive when you just kind of ramble and offshoot from every topic that keeps rolling in. I had the best time.

The next day he came over early. Cooked me breakfast. And we spent the rest of the day watching movies, drinking beer, cooking, and anticipating my sister’s (and her 4 month old’s) arrival.

Over all it was a fantastic few days. I didn’t realize how much fun it was being the host of big holiday. As in, being in charge of the cooking. It was so much fun! We didn’t do a whole lot of traditional stuff, but it was special none-the-less.

I’m glad I could offer my siblings a place to come through a holiday that use to be so full of such a solid family. It’s not like it use to be… but I see new traditions forming for the future 🙂

a quick catch up

December 4, 2016
  • My vegas trip was amazing! Including exclusive open bar happy hours at the top of super tall hotels, steak dinners, limo rides, floor seats at a concert, so much alcohol. All at no expense to me. It was so much fun! I also found enough people to randomly go sight seeing with me and help me get the vegas experience. I’ll probably never be wined and dined like that ever again. It was so much fun to feel important!

 

  • I had the best Thanksgiving with my baby brother, my sister, and her 5 month old. I was really sad approaching thanksgiving week because my family wasn’t getting together. My mom was going on vacation with her fiance and my other brother (who has been hosting such events since my parents’ divorce) hadn’t bothered reaching out about it. I felt a bit orphaned and abandoned. Then I realized that all my other siblings probably felt the same. So I organized a tiny, semi-non-traditional Thanksgiving just for us. It was better than I could’ve imagined.

 

  • After cooking the thanksgiving dinner, tho, I spent the next 4 days in the hospital… classic huh? The very first time I try to cook something more than fudge…. and I end up almost killing my innards. Thankfully, somehow, my brother and sister were unaffected.

 

  • There’s this boy. I’ve been trying to figure him out. I’ll say more about him soon. But I think I finally realized he’s sticking.

 

  • I’ve been sooooo busy at work all month. I blame my blog falling into last priority on my work. Besides not having time to write at work (yeah…. I do that) I have not wanted to look at a computer screen once leaving work! Also, and completely related I hate work WAAAAYYYY less than this past summer.

 

There’s my quick catch up. I’ll expand on all of these next!

my sister: the rock star

June 13, 2016

So, I’m in Louisiana with my sister this week. She is 39 weeks pregnant and ready to dispense this child at any second.

I honestly don’t know how she does the things that she does. She is a rock star. And not just the fact that at 39 weeks pregnant and counting she is still running 2 miles a day. Not just because of where she got in her career at such a young age. And not just because the awesome humans she is raising. She just has a way of dealing with life that is so admirable to me.

My niece is 4. And the biggest diva. She’s both demon and angel within the same breath. To say she is a bit difficult is an understatement. So sweet tho! She’s a little cuddle bug. She’s full of random “I love you”s and excitement just at the sight of you coming in the door. She has such a big heart. She’s sassy and sure. She has life all figured out. If these darn adults could just get out of her way!

And my nephew… He’s 10. He looooves video games. He’s so so smart. He is so sensitive too. He is just like I was. Except his feelings are closer to the surface. I was the kid that didn’t participate because I was terrified at embarrassing myself. And when I did embarrass myself I’d clam up. This kid visibly holds back tears. I know exactly how he feels. And I can’t wait for him to figure out what I have in my lifetime. But it’s his own to figure out. One day he’ll realize every one has fears. Every one has insecurities. And its okay to mess up. It’s okay to not know what you are doing. It’s okay. He’ll get there. Just hate that it’ll take him more than 20 years to get there. He’ll get there. Don’t you wish our wisdom was easier accepted by those that haven’t taken our path yet? But we humans don’t work that way. We are too curious. We aren’t satisfied with other’s experiences and outcomes. We have to trial and error all on our own. He’ll get there.

I love when he is having a good time. His smile is beautiful. He’s a handsome boy already, but when he smiles it changes his whole face and it’s just beyond this world adorable and lovely. I just love it. This kid. He creates such good emotion in me that it hurts from bursting at the seams.

Back to my sister. She’s amazing. She puts up with so much judgment from people and family that it makes me sick. But she just works it. I don’t know how she ignores it. My sensitive soul would have me hiding in the corner… no hiding under the rock in the corner. Or  moving to Alaska. But she just proves to every one how inadequate they are and how rock star she is. She conquers everything life hands her.

She has/does the same fuck ups the rest of us have had and done. She gambles the same way the rest of us do with our decisions. But life always gave her the hardest out comes. She just kind of gathers them all up and adds them to her trophy case. I’ll always look up to her for how she handles things.

I’ve been here a week and I want to tear my eyes out because of the kids and the noise and the activity going on. I love them, but why do we have to have cartoons, video games, and noisy toys all going on at once?!?! And this is her life.

Maybe one day I’ll be as cool as her. But I’m not holding my breath for it!

niece and nephew weekend!

March 21, 2016

I had a great weekend with my sister and her kids. They came to stay with me for a few days.

My niece and nephew are pretty fun to be around… I mean, they do get stuck in their technology, but when they pull their heads out and hit the pause button they are pretty cool!

My nephew is such a smart kid. He’s very intellectual. He enjoys reading and learning. He holds pretty darn good conversations. I know he is 10 and he is suppose to, but I’m always surprised at how easily we can talk. He is a pretty quiet guy tho. Very internal. I can tell he wades through a hefty amount of anxiety. Reminds me of me.

My 3 year old niece is just a shark. She’s sharp and independent. She will NOT do what she doesn’t want. But she still has that little kid side with the cute squeaky voice and petite frame and oodles of excitement. She’s absolutely beautiful.

Me and my sister have so much fun together. I love the way our personalities flow together. We laugh at nothing and everything. I wish we lived closer together. I mean at 5 and half hours away, I guess we finally ARE closer! But we humans aren’t ever satisfied, are we?

She is 28 weeks pregnant. She got to talking about this next one. How she can’t wait to know what his/her personality will be like. What a fun thing to think about. This new life being its own being. Having it’s own set of genetic rules. I can’t wait either!

While I absolutely loved the weekend with them… I’m pretty sure those little guys got me sick! I’ve got that sore throat, swollen tongue, super tired feeling going on today. This happens nearly every time! Totally worth it. I mean, there’s a chance it’s just allergies… the weather in Arkansas is friggin ridiculous right now… but… my nephew was pretty sniffly…

xmas w/ the fam

December 30, 2015

Christmas went way better than I expected it would. You know, when your expectations are way up here you are usually disappointed?

Well, my expectations took a nose dive after being so upset with my brother. Then my mom announced she was bringing her fiance. A few things to note: 1) the brother I was upset with hadn’t met him yet, him or his wife, 2) my dad was also coming to the event. He also hadn’t met this new guy. So this brings expectations even lower in anticipation of all the awkwardness. I am actually really happy he decided to brave this situation. This meeting is well overdue.

Then to lower it as much as it could possibly be lowered my dad gets all huffy and decides that if mom is bringing her significant other then so will he. Other note worthy facts: 1) his girlfriend is a narcotics addict that has been to prison recently and now lives with my father and 2) She is younger than me. BLEH!

No more fucks could possibly be given. So… me and A got in my car and headed that way. we made a pit stop for beer. A lot of beer. I’ve never known a better day for some day drinking. I even thought in honor of my dad’s GF that we should all start the whole day out with some pills… just, you know, whatever she had on her. (Bad joke, I know. No, I’m not weirded out at all by a younger-than-me, ex-con dating my father.)

We get there… and in true addict form, my dad’s GF bailed. So, there was one thing that could’ve gone worse. I watched as my mom introduced her fiance (my dad has no clue they are engaged… I don’t even think he knows they live together). Everyone was very… friendly.

Me and A were already 2 beers in upon arrival – pre lunch… we were doing great! We pretty much handed out the beer like breath mints to all my siblings… Can someone make popcorn??

Just kidding… there was never a show to be entertained by. I knew my family was too passive aggressive for that. What else can we smooth under that rug in the front room?? We made it through lunch and gift exchange. Mom and her fiance left. Soon after my dad left. Us kids went back to the liquor store and got round two. We sat on his patio (because in Arkansas it was in the 70s!) and watched the boys smoke cigars.

Me and A took our tipsy selves back to his place that evening. Feeling good and grateful that it didn’t get any worse. And before I knew it we were celebrating the Christmas end in a party for 2 🙂