Archive for the ‘faith’ Category

shaken faith

May 20, 2016

Ever since me and mitch have gotten back together, I can’t quite muster up the enthusiasm I had about us before the hiccup. I mean, I still want him forever. Gosh, I was a miserable mess when we weren’t together. But now I think about all the motives that could possibly be behind the break up. Now, I know why he says he broke up with me. And I know why he says he stayed broken up with me for a week. I know all the explicitly stated shit…

I don’t know why I can’t trust it.

But what’s worse is I don’t know that I can trust that he won’t do it again. He says we are on the same page. Forever and always (I know – gag. eye roll). He says he loves me and wants me. But I can’t seem to settle into it.

I’m nervous.

Why is nervous what I feel?

I’m hoping time will settle these insecurities. I hate it tho. I hate that what we have is colored by this. Once again I’m praying to father time. Fix it, please


2016: take two

January 15, 2016

I’ve been holding back in my writings lately. Recently my anonymity was broken. The things I have written about haven’t been censored, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t cherry picking the easier topics from my life line up. I hate that being known effects this blog at all. And I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately.

In my writings, I am vulnerable. This blog is me stripped naked for the world and the only way I’m strong enough for that, the only way I’m not terrified about that, is because no one knows who I am. No one knew. I think we are all better at opening up to strangers than to our family members and friends. That’s the point of anonymous blogs. We get to do this living out loud thing and no one can really judge us. Or at least not judge us in a way that can petrify us.

When I write I water down the emotions with humor, and I like doing that. It’s my voice. It’s how I deal with things. But no matter how goofy it all may seem, I pour everything into these writings. Each one makes up my inner most self. If you took all my posts and fit them together that is who I am. Anyone reading these blogs would know me better than all the people I see on a daily basis. It’s a pretty clear picture I think.

Vulnerability isn’t a bad thing. It’s like being “too nice”, it was NEVER suppose to be a bad thing. But that is what society makes it. Society kind of forces it to be faults. If you are too nice people will use you and you’ll become a push over. If you are too vulnerable then all those insecurities and faults will be exploited. But those negative characteristics are what makes us better humans. Better friends. Better listeners. Better helpers. It is in those negative moments that we are made stronger because knowing who we are, knowing our weak links, prepares us for life.

I’m not sure why, but my last few weeks have been hard. I can’t seem to get into the swing of 2016. I’ve been backsliding in all the strides I made in 2015.

I’m no stranger to backsliding, and after reading some of my fellow bloggers’ blogs lately, I’m not alone. We’ve all had a hard go of it lately. Whether it be overcoming food, fears, bad habits, relationships, over exercise, self doubt, or sadness. Everyone has the same words right now. We failed. But we won’t quit.

Hope is one of those weird, counter intuitive human things. Even without proof we hope. Hope and faith, we cling to them, but the very definition makes it irrational to do so. To hope or have faith means its something you put stock into despite all other previous outcomes. We still expect that one day our perfect outcome will happen. Our time will come. We’ll finally get it right. Thank goodness for hope and faith, right? Because the only proof is we haven’t over come our demons yet.

I say we all get up, dust ourselves off, and start this year over. Who’s with me?


October 4, 2015

When I sign up for half marathons, 5ks, obstacle courses, and triathlons, I don’t expect to place. I don’t dream of winning first, second, or third place. I don’t even plan on being in the top 50% of all contestants much less my age bracket. It’s actually not my goal at all. My goal is that finish line. No matter how terrible I will run, bike, swim, climb, or crawl I still finish that race.

In church this morning I got to thinking. We were reading from Acts 20:24:

24 However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.

I put these two thoughts together… 1) how I think about the literal races I run and 2) how I do this journey on earth with god in mind.

I’ve been beating myself up. I’ve been looking at this a tad bit wrong. I will never be good enough for God, I will never run like I’m even trying for first place… But where I place is not the point. How hard I run, what kind of effort I make, I am NEVER going to be good enough. This is the design. God knew we aren’t enough. We have little bits and pieces that God can put together for his good. But God is the operative word in that sentence. It couldn’t be done by my effort at all without him.

I guess what I mean is, I’m not doing so bad. I mean, I’m on par, as long as I contribute my wins in this life to Him. He just wants us to acknowledge our shortcomings and give our not-enough talents, skills, and lives to him. It’s only then we will finish the race; it’s only then the finish line is ours to cross.

Just some sunday morning ramblings. I’m very happy to have gotten back in church. Even tho I live two lives that seem to contradict completely… At least I’m back. God hasn’t given up. I’m still just as not enough as I was before, I’m just putting more hope in Him in even while doing the shady shit I partake in. I’m not trying to be a hypocrite here. And I’m not saying there isn’t a great amount of spiritual warfare going on in my life. I’m just trying to see where this life is taking me. I enjoy being open minded, but I also believe Jesus is king… sigh. Just chuggin along waiting to see if there are answers. I’m not convinced there are answers… But I’m also one to be humble enough to be okay with never knowing, with knowing its impossible for me to know.

I think that’s all I got.

Hope you all had a great weekend!