Archive for the ‘emotions’ Category

random post-coffeine inspiration

February 3, 2017

When things are bad we can’t wait for them to end. I mean, duh. Who wants to be in a bad situation. It’s intuitive. Barely worth mentioning. Like, I’ve just wasted 10 seconds of your life.

This morning I was drinking an extra yummy cup of coffee. I don’t drink coffee much any more and so I drank it with extra appreciation. But something happened half way through the cup. I started getting sad that it was going to end so soon. It was A FANTASTIC CUP OF COFFEE. I loved EVERY SINGLE SIP. But here I was unable to fully enjoy this AMAZING cup of coffee because it was sooooo good I never wanted it to end.

Is it worth having something so good if halfway through it I swing as low as I was high from the coffee? It’s kind of a roller coaster, right, when we get something that’s too good? Like kids on Christmas morning crying after they open their last gift. What happened to the joy of opening the other gifts? Is it worth all the excitement and joy from opening SO MANY AMAZING GIFTS?

We humans are so weird. We fight contentment. In fact, being content is almost a bad word. Like, if we aren’t feeling some discord then we must not be working hard enough or life isn’t good enough. “No pain no gain.” Maybe those cliches are just so we don’t throw huge pity parties for ourselves… Or maybe those cliches simply exist so we can tell that to someone else throwing a pity party. I don’t know. Did I just change the subject? Oh yeah, here’s where I was going:

So we fight bad times and times of contentment, but then when we get something too good we mourn it prematurely… All things for a season right? If the bad times are a phase, so are the good times, right? But maybe that’t just another cliche… so we have words of comfort.

Yeah, humans are weird.

Anyway… that’s enough of that. Have a happy friday, all!

out of nowhere

December 19, 2016

I made m smile today.

Is there anything better?

puddling

September 26, 2016

More dwelling. More puddle. It’s still here. I’m functioning. I’m at work. Small headache. Exhausted from the dwelling. It’s not easy. I can feel it flowing through my veins. It almost throbs. Pulsating a wave of exhaustion everywhere. Reverberating through every limb and appendage.

Going through the motions today. I’m here at work. I will be at the gym later. I’ll stay in solid form til I get home and puddle myself on the couch til I flow to the bed and puddle there at bedtime.

I’ll be home in 5 hours. I can do this.

in a puddle

September 25, 2016

Yesterday was my 29th birthday. I

Went to the gym. Got in some birthday burpees with my gym rat buddies. Love that they push me. Love the energy they have. Then I got a 165 pound back squat. That’s a lifetime PR!

I’ve been consistently getting better in the gym. IT FEELS AMAZING.

Then yesterday evening I went out with one of my best friends. It was a local octoberfest. So much fun. Lots of beer. We saw people we knew. We met people we didn’t. Chatted. Flirted. Some of my favorite activities! After that we went to get some late night pizza. It was yummy. Good birthday, right??

At some point over the pizza my mood took a nose dive. There were three of us at this point and I was happy they were occupying each other’s company because I was becoming utterly useless in the social department. I was sitting across the table from them completely hiding the fact that all I wanted to do was cry. Not like a simple tear threatening to retreat from my eyeballs, but like, curl up in the bathroom stall balling my eyes out kind of cry.

I got home shortly after midnight. And promptly fell asleep only to wake up less than 3 hours later. I laid in bed for an hour feeling shame and guilt and sadness from no real source. Or is there a real source? I brainstormed all the possible real sources. The spiral. I’m spiraling down into a puddle of ickiness. I’m dwelling. And spiraling. And I feel so low right now.

I walked my dog. Then I laid in bed for another hour. And I finally just gave up. I’m out of bed again.

I’m so up and down I can’t keep up with myself. I mean… I wish I’d pop back up about now tho. I’m getting worried that I’m settling into a depression. But what is this counter balance of ups? Is it worth it? I say balance, but it doesn’t feel like that really… No. No up can make this puddle worth it.

The chemistry is wrong in my brain. That’s all it is, right?

dad

September 14, 2016

I just had a conversation with my dad. And It’s past 9pm… so I know to expect the reasonable slur to his voice and the (when sober) uncharacteristic emotion in his voice.

For the longest time in life his mantra was education first. Get a good job. Work hard. Make money. Money money money. He’s a lawyer. And while he isn’t the lawyer that became a judge or became some partner in a big city place, he still does well for himself in small town Arkansas.

Since him and my mom got a divorce a few years ago his mantra changed. And I don’t know if it was the divorce, or him becoming a grandfather, or what, but now its simply do what makes you happy.

What?

Dad? Is that you? As I was finally accepting that my dad must now be finally happy in life and how long has he been miserable and oh my god maybe I need to find more happiness, I find out that he isn’t happy at all right now.

I thought he was living it up. He’s kind of the dirty old man that likes to party and pick up ladies and hell, I guess if you got it you got it even at 65….

He is stuck. And he doesn’t know what to do about it. Funny. Earlier today I sent a message to my sister about how much less stressed we would be if we did what we wanted and what was best for us and what we needed versus being railroaded and taken advantage of. How much better off would we be if we back boned up and spoke up for ourselves. We couldn’t have possibly gotten that trait from our father? No freaking way….

My mom. She was always the one that tip toed all situations. She was the passive aggressive champion of the household. Right?

All this talk about being happy. I guess its coming from a place of wishful thinking more than what he is actually living. I feel bad for him. I was sad to hear it. My heart did something funny… kind of like sympathy… when he said it. I didn’t realize I had that left in me for him since my parents’ divorce.

lets look

August 12, 2016

I want to look back today. I want to examine. Analyze. Think think think on recent past. I want to dive into it!

Why? I’m not sure. To look for some science in it all. Explanations. Causation? I don’t know. But I feel strong today (after a few very tearful/hormonal days).

How far back? Let me see.

R. You never loved me. I’m not sure why you told me that. What were you really feeling? I think that maybe in the moments of “what if” and “maybe” its easy to sink into the best feelings. Humans, for some reason against all evidence and outcomes and past experiences, are hopeful. Hope. It’s not rational. But ironically it does keep us sane. I find that fascinating. But I digress.

M. It WAS about sex, huh? Man! I would’ve bet my life against that one. I truly thought you were just damaged and needed some guidance to prove otherwise. That was silly of me. This took me A FULL YEAR AFTER THE BREAKUP to realize it. Time does heal some things. Gah. This one really does feel good to come to terms with. I spent so much energy trying to figure this out thru the entire thing. Deciphering meanings from words and actions and the way the words and actions didn’t match. Some times its confusing because we want the opposite of what we are hearing but really it’s that simple. It’s just that we chose to cover our ears and disregard our gut. Our hearts are bigger than our brains. We think if we just feel enough we can over power what is actually going on. Willing everything into love and happily ever after.

Andy. What happened? I jumped too soon. Way way way way too soon. I saw a glimpse of something I LOVED! And then failed to re-evaluate as I went. I just pushed on chasing that glimpse. But that light at the end of the tunnel wasn’t at all what I thought. Andy stopped putting effort into the whole thing about 5 minutes in… I bathed in those 5 minutes. Then I bottled up that feeling and went back to it every time reality fell short. Why was this okay with me at the time? But again, I had that darn hope that makes no sense to have. Hope that those first 5 minutes would be my reality again and again with him. It wasn’t going to happen.

Mitch. Holy fuck you ruined my existence. Still. I’m still spinning. I wanted all of you forever. You never let me down. Until you walked away. You didn’t want this. And you left this. It came on sudden and it ended sudden. Easy come easy go? Not sure easy is the word I’d use tho. This guy caused more baggage than my divorce. I will forever not trust the words of someone that speaks so passionately and with such enthusiasm… SHARED enthusiasm. Still spinning. The things I felt here… felt like forever. For the first time I felt forever. Spinning.

Not much analysis there I suppose. But so many thoughts. So many feelings. So many open ended questions. No closure here. The only hope (there’s that word again) is that time will turn this into something other than a ‘what if’ and ‘the one that got away’.

I think I’ve decided that once he turned my world upside down… I’m not sitting here waiting on the world to turn right side up again. I can only re learn how to navigate with gravity pulling in the opposite direction. I’m learning.

I guess if we are using the world flipping analogy that I’m grateful its a sphere… hey looky there. Gravity is pulling in the same direction as it was before. Maybe it’s not too bad after all, huh? Sigh… And we were always spinning.

Discarded. Mitch, you gave me my new biggest fear in life. You discarded me. It’s way worse than rejected. Who knew?

Trey. I’m just so sorry I did that to you. I did things to you that guys have done to me and I hate that I might have left you feeling the way they’ve made me feel. I’m sorry. There were moments I really did what us… but ultimately its the picture I wanted. You just filled in my gap of pain… You didn’t fit perfectly but I selfishly kept you there to help appease my broken heart. It just wasn’t right. And no excuse is good enough. It was shitty. I was shitty.

This post felt like healing. It feels good. Not everything in it is good obviously. But this one felt good to get out of my finger tips.

I miss moments….

August 10, 2016

When you sink into someone

and sigh an ‘I love you’

because in that moment

you feel nothing else.

feels

July 30, 2016

I have too many. A mistake has been made. I’ve been allotted more than my share. I must have taken someone else’s. They are sitting there… all hard to the world… feeling nothing. Do I envy them?  I don’t know. I mean… Normally I feel like this is a gift. But all the feelings are hurting me right now. Like an open attack on my heart. On my mind. On that stupid spot on my forearm…

Must be a mistake.

week 1

July 26, 2016

I keep getting that feeling in my forearms today. That rejected feeling. It kind of moves in a swirling pattern. I don’t know why my emotions can’t recover. They just plain can’t. I have great moments. Moments I don’t think about the sadness. And moments where I’m enjoying the now and the people around me. But this cloud is hovering still.

I’m starting a new weight loss journey today. Something a bit more focused than the moderation i’ve been doing lately. I mean, i’ve been doing moderate extremely well. I was very forgiving of myself. I had pizza and cheese dip and beer. But i’d also prep food for several days of clean eating.

I need more tho. It’s not enough. It’s time to get to my goal. It truly is. I’ve spent 7 years now sitting in a better position and in better health than previously but it’s time to take it all the way. Take it to the ideal. To my ideal.

I’ve come into an interesting situation. I have a person in my life that has seen my struggle for years. My day to day battle with emotional eating and working out a shit ton. And always coming up even. They have made me an offer I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT REFUSE.

If I front $200 then in 17 weeks time if I lose 30 pounds I will receive $1000. I think it’s brilliant. I need to lose 1.8 pounds per week to do this. I have to be consistent for 3 full months. I’m dreading all those binge-ful moments where I have to confront so many demons versus literally stuffing them down with food. I’m scared that this motivation won’t be enough. I’m scared.

But I think if I remain patient with myself while also having a sense of urgency with each food decision I make then I can do this. If I don’t do it this time then I can’t see myself ever doing it. I work really hard to always go backwards. Really hard. It’s quite depressing what I could’ve accomplished with all that effort without the backsliding.

I’m going to try to do this. Week 1 starts today. Each Monday in my calendar has a new number that I should weigh that day if I want to stay on track. My hope is that the beginning goes a bit quicker than the pace I’ve set out so that towards the end, when I’m down to those vanity pounds, I can put the same kind of effort in with enough results to make it.

So while I’m really sad and feeling very refected today by the world I’m also hopeful. I’m also grateful for a focus. Let’s see what happens.

7/26/16 167.8lbs

moving on and making changes

July 7, 2016

I’m going to the shooting range tonight. I hate that I’m emotional over something that is suppose to be FUN!

One of my really good guy friends is going with me. He doesn’t do the gun like I don’t. Should be an experience for both of us.

I’m glad I’m doing it instead of losing my money over it. I feel like this is a step towards closure over mitch. Silly, but I really felt I had to do this and not let him get in the way of this experience for me.

I’ve thought about calling mitch. But… not sure why. What would I accomplish? Probably could only do more harm than anything. Is there closure to be had? That would be awesome. But I don’t think that exists here.

I hate being so emotional. I hate being so dissatisfied in life. Hate feeling so… so… unhappy and unsettled… and like I’m in limbo for something. What am I waiting on? To get over mitch? To like my job? To what?

But I finally reached a point in my complaining and dissatisfaction where I’ve started taking action. I have finished my resume. It’s time to start job searching. I’m looking forward to the search. I know that it won’t be easy, but the fact that I’m doing something to change this is definitely a positive over all this negative I feel. Feeling productive is my all time happy place.

I also met with my business consultant about the market research on my idea. All things positive on that front for sure. But this is going to be a long haul process of doing it right. My business plan has to be solid. And as of this far I have no numbers on paper. What a daunting task. I’ll get there tho. I’m not in a hurry here and that feels good. Feels like I’m in control.

SIGH.

Okay… wish me luck on the shooting range this afternoon!