Archive for the ‘divorce’ Category

he’s got a girlfriend??

March 18, 2016

So, its no secret that I still communicate with my ex husband. I went through several phases with this. As expected I think. You know, the wish he didn’t exist phase. The wish my family didn’t know he exists phase. Then it morphed at some point. I can talk to him easily. I can seek his advice. I know he will always be someone I can lean on if I need it. He really is a great guy.

With that said, as someone that talks to her ex regularly I felt he needed to know that I was dating someone. So back in October or November, whenever me and A made it official, I slipped it into one of our conversations. Out of respect. If he is going to consider me a friend, if we are doing this friend thing, then that is a tid bit you would tell a friend. I didn’t want to lie, not even by omission. Nothing malicious about it. I was just informing him. Respect, right?

A few months back, I had to get his help with something on my taxes. Okay, so I didn’t HAVE to… but he was my tax guy before. He was my everything guy before. It’s a rough transition to have an everything guy to having no guy, then to having a long distance guy that is terrible at adulting guy. Anyway… He helped me do my taxes. It was the first time on my own. It was nice to have him walk me through it. It was good of him to help. He brought beer and sushi… It was a fun time.

I asked him then if he was dating any one. Just part of a conversation. I really want to know these things. Lots of reasons behind it. Some reasons are completely legit. I care about him as a person and his happiness and well being. But some are less legit like – should I be worried about a girl beating me up for asking for his help while we drink beer and hang out for the evening. Or even less legit reasons and thought processes. Like… how jealous should I be? Is she skinnier than me? Will his family like her more? And can I take her?

Anyway, for all the reasons I asked him. He said “No.” Satiates my curiousity, right?

Fast forward to last Monday night. Went out for drinks with friends/co-workers. They wanted to make sure I was okay after this break up. Through the night I find out that the chick I see my ex husband in the halls with (yes, I still work in the same building as him – hey, I didn’t say this was healthy) is his girlfriend. COME AGAIN? His GIRLFRIEND? He’s got a whah?

I do understand why he wouldn’t want to tell me. And I get that it’s not the most comfortable conversation to have with your ex. And maybe I am grateful for being blissfully unaware that there’s a woman at work (she’s totally just a girl tho) whose eyes are on me with all its reigning judgment. (Maybe that’s too dramatic.) Truth be told I do see them together, but I couldn’t have picked her out of a line up. Not until now! I got them to show me her face. And I started picking her apart and verbally ripping her to shreds!

PAUSE! This isn’t me. Why do I care that she walks funny, that her teeth are weird, and her hair is as thin as mine? Who the fuck cares?! Why do I get pleasure from someone telling me I’m prettier than her? I know this reaction is all too normal. But why? I don’t want to be the person to take pleasure in these things. But I do! It made my heart smile to hear that she has a dud of a personality. I don’t know her. I have never even shared a superficial, small-talk greeting with her. I have no basis in reality for judging her so much. I’m ashamed that I feel this way. But I do. So I guess this is me. I’m normal. I’m human. I can try to fight it. That will help a bit. But… I’ve already shown my true colors. It’s already out. I’m… THAT girl.

I have some growing to do as an individual and as a woman. I guess it’s good to see this in such a controlled environment… Not that I thought I was done with myself. A complete and perfect indivdiual. Not by far. But… Yeah, I’ve got work to do.

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Moving day

May 4, 2015

“Is it okay if I move in with Jeff?”

“Um… Jeff? My ex, Jeff?”

“Yeah. Just wanted to check with you. I already asked him. He’s cool with it.”

“Um…”

“I don’t have money. I plan on getting a job after graduation. But right now I can’t afford an apartment. And all my fraternity brothers are headed out of town for the summer. No one is sticking around for me to room with.”

“I mean…. If you have no other option. I kind of hate that. It hurts my feelings. I understand the practicality of it all. I’m a rational person, but could you keep looking for other options?”

“Well, if it hurts your feelings then I’ll make something else work.”

“Thanks, bro. I appreciate it.”

2 months later…

“Hey, sis. I need some man power today. Think you could help me move?”

“Are you serious? I can do it. But would like you to be mindful about requests like that in the future. It’s not easy moving my brother to my old house. With my ex.”

“WOW. Sorry that was really inconsiderate of me.”

Sigh… “Just think about it in the future. I’ll be there in an hour.”

IS HE KIDDING AT ALL! NOT AT ALL! What from that first conversation makes him ‘not even think about that’. Do I NOT look human? Do I look like a robot with no feelings? Because that is my only explaination for being so disregarded. BY MY OWN FAMILY!

I really, truly don’t feel like a push over. I just really wanted to be able to help him. But… I don’t know. I’m constantly conflicted when it comes to my family and their current relationship with my ex. But what can I do if that is what they choose? I can only say so much. I don’t think a little consideration from a sibling/parent is too much to ask. I really really don’t.

I didn’t have any other plans that day. I happen to have gotten all my chores out of the way that particular Sunday. It kind of worked out perfectly… except for his new address. I wanted to be able to help him. To be a good sister about it… I’m nice like that. “Nice.” It’s almost a bad word these days, right? Can’t be nice if you are looking out for yourself? I like nice. I like being nice. I like the fact that people know they can count on me. I won’t stop doing that because somewhere along the lines someone takes advantage of me without even realizing it.

He thinks it is temporary… He said he only needed a place to be for a month, but even if he got a job today he wouldn’t have his first paycheck for another 4 weeks. And I doubt his first paycheck will be enough to cover the first month of rent and all deposits… He’ll be there all summer and beyond… watch. I’m calling it now.

It’s actually a funny situation… if you aren’t me.

At least it was a good workout. Lots of sweating on a beautiful day. I like feeling productive. <– how’s that for silver lining.

always something

April 20, 2015

So, I went back home this weekend for a baby shower for my brother and his wife. It was fun. Lots of old friends to hug and catch up with. It was at my old church… Saw a lot of people from my old congregation… and these people were old when i was 11… so I was almost surprised to see a few up and about and as energetic as ever.

I have made peace with the fact that I’m not celebrating my own child being born into this world. I know it’ll be a long time before I get to have my turn at that. But what i didn’t brace myself for, what i had no idea to expect was cluing people in on the fact that I am divorced. I had no idea people were  still in the dark about it. I did not brace myself to combat the question “Where’s your hubby today?”

There’s always something connecting me to him still. One day I hope this isn’t the case. Unexpectedly hard. I have come so far, yet, there’s still a journey I am on. And I feel like a whole person. I feel like I’ve rediscovered myself. I feel good about life… but there’s this shadow looming…. One day i hope to have conquered this.

a clean start

December 30, 2014

I think that my divorce had less to do with the obvious act of infidelity on his end and more to do with me and setting off on a new journey. wipe clean MY transgression (not his) and move along with a fresh start. Do it differently. Make it better from the inside out. Not any other way.

I know some would have issues with the verbiage here. Don’t get caught up in the divorce itself. It happened people. Lots of reason and lots of realities that couldn’t be resolved… But as I process and think through this on certain days… It’s about me. Not about him. or about the “us” that use to be.

This is an opportunity for me. And it feels fantastic. I’m coming to that point where I’m taking off the weights. I’m peeling back a few layers. and I’m feeling a little lighter.

I didn’t realize how complacent I had become as a person. Just in every day things. A conversation with a stranger. Using my mind. Thinking through the things I need to do rather than let someone else take care of everything. You don’t become a whole person after a long term relationship ending because you have to try super hard… you do it because you no longer have that other half. Its a necessity. You do not get a choice.

I want the next life of mine to take this whole me… and mesh it together with whoever and whatever comes in. I don’t want to become dull and unmotivated and un-involved! I want to be fully aware. Fully there. I didn’t realize how much this wasn’t true in my marriage. What a weird sense of clarity to come to terms with that.

I am fun. I am interesting. I’m witty! Where did that one come from!??! These are adjectives I wouldn’t have used when talking about me while in the marriage. I felt quite the opposite! Boring. Nagging. Non-adventurous. Not particularly anything. Just some shade of gray that sits in the corner. Oh how that is NOT who I am!

This girl that I am… woman… I love her more and more. And I want to share her! I want to be part of someone’s life. Whether it be friends, coworkers, or a lover. I feel like I have adjectives to offer.

That’s enough rambling for now 🙂

This year

October 30, 2014

Last year through the holidays I was dreading the fact that this year would look sooooo much different.

Flash back to last year Thanksgiving: Me and my husband had been in counseling for 2 months. To say we were on the rocks would be grossly under exaggerating the situation. We both were working towards working it all out, but our affection towards each other was basically non-existent. If there was “affection” it was forced and terribly uncomfortable. Completely stressful. Being around family was incredibly difficult. There was constant talk about planning babies with my parents or siblings that were in that stage of marriage. Killed me. Everything about it. No one knew we were having issues. We thought we’d work through it and no one would have to be the wiser.

Flash back to Christmas of last year: We had been separated for exactly 12 days. We still weren’t telling our families. We shared a bed at my brother’s house, then at his parents’ house. I don’t know how I held it together. We hadn’t decided on getting a divorce yet, but the thought of how next year would look was haunting me every second. Every. Single. Second. I got through the holidays only having to tell my mom and my sister because of logistics and having to have them stay with me and such. They’d quickly figure out that my husband wasn’t staying at home, so I had no choice.

Flash back to new years last year: We both attended the same party… but we didn’t show up together. He left before midnight to go to another party with… who knows.

Well, the divorce has been finalized for almost 4 months now… and we are rapidly approaching Thanksgiving. And while part of me wants to be a hermit this holiday season… hide from family… the other part of me is just happy to not be hiding anything.

Since then my brother and his wife have announced the arrival of their first child. So so so happy for them. I feel oddly connected to the child already. But I ache at the same time. This is where I should be too. And back at square one. Not even dating anyone.

I know there will be tears over being alone this season. I know someone will say something without thinking about it… It’s happened so many times already. I’m bracing myself. I am strong. I can do this. I know there will be tears, but I am happy with my decision. I am so good with it. I am a better person now than I was. I know me better. I love myself more. This was a positive change in my life. Wonder why the holidays does this to a person… I’m sure I’ll perfect my “happy place” and self preservation tactics. But otherwise, I’m just going to try and enjoy my siblings and get excited with my sister in law about the baby. And get to know my mom and dad’s new boyfriend/girlfriend…. That’ll be fun.

So much different this year! and I knew it would be! But lets hope i’m pleasantly surprised. Maybe i’ll just try to keep track of all the unbelievably insensitive remarks for funny anecdotes later. Might make its own blog post… who knows! strike comedic gold! 🙂 I’m a silver-lining-ist… remember!

Welp, that’s all I got for now.

one of those moments

October 27, 2014

I have a deep desire today to mourn my marriage. I wanna bury my face and body in the comfort of someone who knows and understands the depth of the situation. To completely be consumed with the grief… and let go in the catharsis of sobs. Sob for my lost years. For the loss itself. For my ex. For all that was wasted. For all the what ifs. For all the reasons why it didn’t work. For all the ways that is was my fault. and all the reasons that i couldn’t have possibly prevented. For all the ways that i didn’t measure up. and for all the ways that i deserve better. All the ways he deserves better. Its a small ache, but a huge desire to let myself go in that moment of wallowing.

This won’t happen. There’s no one I can crumble against except for him. And that sure as hell shouldn’t be an option. Instead, I’ll catch a noon workout… and work it out through sweat instead of tears. Bury myself in the burn of my hands on the barbell, and the burn in my muscles…. Not sure if this is processing or just burying it… What else can be done with this? There is going to be a discord inside me with such a huge life change. It isn’t because I made the wrong decision or a bad decision… a decision either way with something like this would’ve caused the same kind of upset at times. I’m not in denial about that. Just having one of those moments. I’m completely resolved to my decision and glad about it. Just a moment.

It’ll be over soon.

dreams

September 15, 2014

Me and my girlfriends were talking about dreams last night. One of my friends says she has a recurring theme of snow in the fall. My other friend has dreams she can’t move but there are dark figured men walking around her room… they are in different positions depending on the position of her body. Mine is a silly recurring dream I’ve had since I was 4. Flesh colored alligators with yarn for hair, not unlike a kid’s puppet… It was terrifying to my 4 year old self… and truth be told when I have the dream today it is as if i’m 4 all over again and just as terrified… the dream always ends with me desperately trying to scream for my parents but nothing comes out.

We had fun looking up the themes and guessing what they could mean… Snow having something to do with unspoken emotions… which is extremely fitting for my friend who can’t/won’t talk about feelings… she’s embarrassed that she actually has all the same girly instincts as the rest of us. It’s funny.

Alligators symbolize treachery, deceit, and hidden instincts… whatever that means. But it does also say that I might need to take a new perspective on something going on in my life…. Just what I need – over thinking and dissecting what situation I need a perspective change… Wonder how the meaning is effected when its an alligator that looks like an art project gone wrong?

It’s kind of fun… Think about a dream you’ve had multiple times.. or maybe just the last one you can think of… It’s the same kind of a fun a horoscope can be when you aren’t sold out to it. http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/a.htm

Anyway, I went home on my lunch break to take a little siesta… I had a dream. Me and my ex were parking at Kroger. As we walked through the parking lot we held hands. As naturally as it was to hold hands, I felt like something was off. It wasn’t til after we walked through the automatic doors that I realized we weren’t together and yanked my hand back. “Wondered how long that would last.” My realization came in layers… Like I had to swim through the degrees of separation we went through to get to our divorce. Didn’t we separate? Are we working things out? Wait, I have my own place. Whoa! We’re divorced!

I’m not one to remember when I actually dream so I thought it an odd coincidence that I had this dream after we talked about it just last night. I’m not looking up what it means to dream of an ex.

Shaking it off.

The ex update

September 8, 2014

I was enjoying a nice relaxing Sunday morning when a I received a text from a friend. Why people feel like I need ex updates I will never understand. As is necessary in the current age in which we live I defriended him on all social medias for the sole purpose of NOT being informed on his daily activities. Of course it had to do with another girl. Which, lets be honest, is more specifically why I defriended him! A tiny little blond was hugged up on him… “happy birthday!” “Thanks, LOVE YOU!” Shoot me now. The conversation with my well-intentioned, oblivious friend didn’t last long. Of course it didn’t end without one comment from her about dating the next hottest guy I meet and posting pics… oh good grief! 

There are so many things wrong here. Where to begin… 

1)  Serious, why do you feel the need to update me?? Don’t you realize I’ve gone out of my way to not be updated! Way out of my way! 

2) A new girl? Saying “I love you”? SHHHOOOOT MMMEEEE! He still texts me at midnight and asks me to come over. He still tells me he wants us to work. Ugh. DO NOT say those things and asks those things of me if there are other females in your life. Just… no! 

3) When will, if ever, I not be effected by hearing about him (or seeing him) with other girls. I don’t want him. I’m done. But, damn, that hit hard. Did not like that at all! 

4) She wants me to what? Date the next hottest guy… first of all, sure thing, hott guys willing to date me are a dime a dozen! Not. Second, is that really a game you think i’d play??? Oh no. My ex is an extremely amazing guy… I can’t compete with that. I will lose that competition in the first round! He will do anything for anyone. I wouldn’t. I’m way more selfish with my time and my opinions to be the person to completely put myself on the back burner for someone…. And I realize that sounds awesome on the surface, but it turns into him losing himself – and really the whole relationship won’t work if he continues to deny himself… It’s not real. It’s completely… impossible to perpetuate. So in the beginning yes… perfection to find a guy like that… but in the end you have to ask… “who are you?” He’ll be there without an answer. I’ll be me. 🙂 maybe i won’t lose. But it won’t be because of our next significant others. 

Rant over… for now. Hope you have a great week! Thanks for reading.

 

 

defaulting to happy

September 5, 2014

I truly believed I’d never see my peppy self again. I thought that the bitterness and anger I went through changed me forever. I’ve been walking through life for the last year in a terribly sad state. That had become my default. But the last few weeks, for no reason at all, I’m smiling. Walking to my car smiling. Sitting at my desk content with life. There’s no guy, there’s no new fun life event going on… its just me. I’ve never been so okay with me. I mean, I can’t remember the last time I even had to try to be okay with just me….. sophomore year in high school. I’m not the kind of person that needs people around all the time, and I know that helps, but lonely has been a huge struggle for me since the separation. I mean, it makes sense…. not that I was more accepting of it because it is a normal feeling through a divorce…. but at least it made sense.

It just happened all of a sudden… and it’s been here for the last 2 weeks. It’s odd timing for me too… I just basically ended a friendship. And the previous week was full of tears over losing my house. And I just detached myself from any sort of potential love interests… I don’t know if the timing is coincidence, chemicals in my brain malfunctioning, or if any of those things mentioned above positively effected me, but I’m so glad.

I went out with my best friend last night and she could see it. I’m back! I can’t express how grateful I am. It’s been rough. And I am bracing myself for the next roller coaster of emotions to sweep in… Its been up and down for sure! So I fully expect the sad to make a come back. But its so good to know that this part of me is still here. I am still me. 🙂 A slightly more jaded, baggage laden, divorced me, but i still got my pep! 

I know sadness and anger and bitterness aren’t easy things to deal with for anyone, but I kind of thought that for someone like me… the happy-by-default me… the annoyingly-peppy-girl-in-the-cube-next-door me… the trust-first me… the silver-lining me… the walking-on-the-bright-side-me… would have a harder time experiencing such contrasting emotions. I could be wrong. I’m just glad to see it wasn’t permanent. It was a real fear I had. 

weighed and measured

September 3, 2014

One of the worst things I felt with my husband, er… ex husband… was the feeling of being judged constantly. Now, I realize as a woman we make things up all the time. Our crazy female logic has us over thinking in so many different circles we can’t see clearly through the dizziness. But regardless of whether this was something I made up in my head or something that he actually did, I felt it. If i feel it, it is real to me. What else makes up our reality except our possessions and feelings? It’s really all we have. 

I felt so judged I suppressed who I really was. I hid myself from him in fear he’d hate it. And judge it more harshly. I’ve had friends that made me feel this way too. I thought it was just something that came out of my own imagination… I excused it and tried, unsuccessfully, to ignore it. Hiding yourself does so many negative things to you… to you, your personality, your happiness, your sanity… It effects every part of our lives. 

The thing about feeling judged is that you never feel good enough if you are feeling judged at all. Have you noticed that? It’s never a good thing. You are weighed and measured and found wanting… You are never found perfect. EVER. It’s a feeling that easily engulfs you with a bad taste for yourself. 

Since I’ve been divorced I’ve met several new people… guys generally, that I don’t feel that way with. And I like it! It felt so tangibly different I was taken aback with surprise. I still can’t get over the difference. Now, none of these guys are “the one” but they made me realize that it is definitely something i’m not willing to settle or compromise on in the future. And that excites me! 

That’s all the rambling I have for now. 🙂 thanks for reading.