Archive for the ‘church’ Category

finisher

October 4, 2015

When I sign up for half marathons, 5ks, obstacle courses, and triathlons, I don’t expect to place. I don’t dream of winning first, second, or third place. I don’t even plan on being in the top 50% of all contestants much less my age bracket. It’s actually not my goal at all. My goal is that finish line. No matter how terrible I will run, bike, swim, climb, or crawl I still finish that race.

In church this morning I got to thinking. We were reading from Acts 20:24:

24 However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.

I put these two thoughts together… 1) how I think about the literal races I run and 2) how I do this journey on earth with god in mind.

I’ve been beating myself up. I’ve been looking at this a tad bit wrong. I will never be good enough for God, I will never run like I’m even trying for first place… But where I place is not the point. How hard I run, what kind of effort I make, I am NEVER going to be good enough. This is the design. God knew we aren’t enough. We have little bits and pieces that God can put together for his good. But God is the operative word in that sentence. It couldn’t be done by my effort at all without him.

I guess what I mean is, I’m not doing so bad. I mean, I’m on par, as long as I contribute my wins in this life to Him. He just wants us to acknowledge our shortcomings and give our not-enough talents, skills, and lives to him. It’s only then we will finish the race; it’s only then the finish line is ours to cross.

Just some sunday morning ramblings. I’m very happy to have gotten back in church. Even tho I live two lives that seem to contradict completely… At least I’m back. God hasn’t given up. I’m still just as not enough as I was before, I’m just putting more hope in Him in even while doing the shady shit I partake in. I’m not trying to be a hypocrite here. And I’m not saying there isn’t a great amount of spiritual warfare going on in my life. I’m just trying to see where this life is taking me. I enjoy being open minded, but I also believe Jesus is king… sigh. Just chuggin along waiting to see if there are answers. I’m not convinced there are answers… But I’m also one to be humble enough to be okay with never knowing, with knowing its impossible for me to know.

I think that’s all I got.

Hope you all had a great weekend!

single’s group

September 21, 2015

I approached the bowling alley neck deep in anxiety. First off, I have what I call “front door” anxiety. Anytime I’m meeting people somewhere ESPECIALLY if I’ve never been there before, thinking about parking, finding the front door of the building (which is ridiculous, right?), then searching inside for my party has me so nervous and riddled with anxiety. Its completely irrational. I mean, what exactly am I worried about? Well, then add to the fact that I didn’t know ANYONE in the party I was meeting… not only was I searching for people in a place I don’t frequent, but I was looking for faces I didn’t know. THEN to top that off with having to meet and mingle with these people… I almost didn’t go. In fact, it’s all this anxiety that kept me from our very first study on the book Crazy Love, the week before.

I siked myself up ALL day. What a silly people phobia this is. I went back and forth all day. ultimately tho, I picked out an outfit, then changed, then changed back into the original (of course), grabbed my keys, an extra pair of socks, slipped on my flip flops and left home. My only comfort is I DID have the group leader’s phone number, so I decided that would be my safety net.

I walk into the building. I’m 5 minutes late (by design) and I scan the lanes. There are a few families… a few groups of couples. I knew any lane that appeared to have a couple wasn’t it. It’s a singles group. I saw a few people in the lane in front of me, but nothing that stands out as a church group. So I sit at a high top table near the lanes, whip out my phone, and text this Susan women. The only thing I know about Susan is her last name, and the fact that she sends too many emails.

No reply. Crap. I continue to sit. A girl from the lane in front of me looks at me. And I have hope! She starts walking towards my area, and all I can think is PLEASE LET HER BE COMING TO ME!!! And she was. She asked if I was meeting a group there and I said YES! I was SO grateful to this girl that took pity on me. In that moment she was my savior. I hate this anxiety I have. But as soon as the connection was made, I was FINE. Absolutely 100% fine. I met and mingled because I’m a bubbly open person. It’s not hard for me, as long as the others around me are open to it. And this whole group is new. So everyone is open to mixing and mingling with everyone. Searching to make connections and friendships in Christ.

As I was talking and hanging out with these good christian people. I couldn’t remember the last time I hung out with a group of people in this kind of setting without an alcoholic beverage. I am not the kind of person that needs the alcohol, but I was just noticing the stark differences between this group and the groups I have been apart of for the past 6 years!

The thing is I use to be one of these people. No cursing, no drinking, easily talking about Jesus and his blessings and sacrifices for all. I was out of place tho… From the girl I use to be. I hadn’t realized just how far I’ve come to where I was. It was odd being on this side of things. And I’m not sure how I feel about all of it yet. And whether I am trying to get back to who I was (if not more grown up version of who I was) or not… But I do know I’m going to continue until I know.

This group consists of people of all ages. And the older people that were there were…. a bit odd… The kind of odd where you can understand why they are single. And I don’t mean to be judgmental in this way, but… they just have super obvious nuances that would be hard to connect with…. They are all sweet people. Great hearts. They want to serve. They are genuine in their faith. I loved that. SO SO SO genuine. So many times I get too critical of people’s motives. But these people truly just want to do what God wants of them. They immerse themselves in his church and his ministries because God gave them the hearts for it. It was nice to see the genuineness of it. I can’t stress GENUINE enough.

Anyway… I am a bit conflicted with my two halves, but I’m going to jump into the deep end of both pools and see what happens. Is it a war? Will one come out on top? Or can I have all of this? I don’t know. Just gonna go with it.