Archive for May, 2017

——-> wait for it

May 30, 2017

My dog is sitting here starring at me. I feel like he’s waiting on me to do something. Oh never mind… he’s moved on to his bone.

I wish i felt like going upstairs and turning down the A/C… It’s kind of cold. Maybe that’t just the cold beer.

Drinking alone? Yeah. Isn’t it weird how sometimes it feels okay. and other times it doesn’t? Like today…. totally doesn’t.

Does corona smell like weed to anyone else?

seriously… it’s freezing in here. Hey, pup! Go turn that up! That’d be cool.

I need to make a list. So much to do this week. So SO SO SOSOSOSOSo much.

Each sip of this corona gets grosser and grosser. I thought it was suppose to do the opposite.

I ate too much today. I get a pass, tho, because of the holiday.

Yeah right. I never give myself a pass. I’m sitting here thinking nothing will fit tomorrow because of my stupid decision to eat. And drink.

this beer still isn’t getting any better.

Okay, so what I really wanna talk about is m. sigh. I can’t see that future so clearly anymore. Alcoholism is a bitch. Like, how many cycles do I go through before I say enough is enough? We do well. We don’t do so well. He stops drinking. we get better. he starts drinking. we get worse. we talk. he makes promises. he stops drinking. we do better. so on and so forth. the cycle of addiction.

that’s what addiction is. just a cycle. Once an addict always an addict. You never get better. you just wait for the next cycle to begin…. or this one to end.

I sat here and debated opening this beer for a solid hour before i decided upon it. I’m not the one with the problem you see. But my biggest concern right now is that he’s sitting alone somewhere right now. Does he have a drink in his hand? I hope not. But… is that hypocrisy? no. I’m not the alcoholic. I just happen to have beer left over from a memorial day celebration. So even tho i landed on opening it… I still feel like maybe I shouldn’t… in solidarity? I don’t know.

If he approached me today and admitted he had an issue i would commit to not drinking with him by his side forever and ever. FOREVER AND EVER!

People don’t love like he does. No one else will ever fill up my heart like he can. But when is enough enough? How many cycles. How much time? How can i give him up. but… how can i keep him?

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classes/business start up/life

May 24, 2017

I’m 2 months into my health coach certification! I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!

I’m just getting to the point where I can start looking into my real and quickly approaching future. This is going to be my new career!!

I can’t wait to help people. I can’t wait to walk with people thru their hard times and thru their life and stresses. The little things and the big things. I can’t wait to inspire them thru all of it. I want to spend the rest of my life nudging people in the direction of progress. Even if its the smallest steps… even if they are tiny steps. I am pumped about it.

I’ve spent the last 2 months enjoying the sunshine. I’ve been waking up early. Working out mid day. Listening to my course work over and over and over again. I’ve been putting some of it into practice even. Giving myself a shit ton of self love.

Did I mention the sunshine? Gah! There is so much power in the sun. It feels like healing to me. Healing something I didn’t even know needed it. I can’t believe how little stress I’ve had while being completely jobless. It’s been so great to take time for myself. Doing nothing. Doing everything. Just relaxing. Relaxing in the sun! 🙂

So I’m at the point in my certification where I can start taking on actual clients. I have two “practice” clients that I’ll start in late June. Shortly after that I hope to begin real paying clients. No… Not just hope. I WILL BE TAKING CLIENTS! EXCITING!

I’m working with a guy that is helping me with my branding. The logo he’s created is great! Very very soon I’ll have my business cards ordered. Then very shortly after that I’ve got to get those puppies circulating.

I’ve got lists and plans for dddaaayyysss…. Lol which sounds terrible, but really, it’s so not. It’s just one step in front of the other. Just gotta do it.

It’s hard… yet not. And I’m coaching myself out of the overwhelming moments… and waiting out the moments of self-doubt… and just ultimately taking it one item on my list at a time.

It’s all coming together so well and so fast. It’s better than I could’ve imagined!

Meanwhile I’ve started a part time job. I’m basically a gofer for a guy that owns his own business. I’m excited to learn from him. But the best part is how flexible the hours are. I work when I want. Couldn’t be more perfect and I couldn’t be more grateful.

So there it is! Update city!

baby girl

May 24, 2017

It hit me like ton of bricks last night… or should I say this morning. It was 3 am and what I needed hit me like a ton of bricks.

I need to be baby girl.

I need to curl up in someone’s lap and have them pet my hair and stroke my cheek and call me baby girl.

I want to collapse against daddy’s chest and know that nothing can harm me. I want a moment when I’m baby girl with no responsibility but being daddy’s good girl.

Sigh.

Here’s the thing. Life isn’t bad at all right now. There’s just a lot of stuff to do. I’m starting my own business. I’m making big decisions. I’m making things happen. I’m doing a good job. I’m forging through. One step in front of the other and it’s not that hard. It’s just a lot.

I’m catching myself self sabotaging a little. And I know now what it is. I need a moment of no decision making. I want to be broken and in a mess and just give it all up. For a few moments.

Vanilla monogamy is tough. And I was told after finding my kink passion that it would be. That sooner or later I’d miss it. That I’d crave it. And I believed them. But what i didn’t want to admit was that I might NEED it.

Do I need it? Feels like it. I know I want it. And I know I’m craving it. I know how amazing it would be to let myself play that role with someone I love and trust as daddy. It’s weird to say “play the role” when I would really be it… A little girl in need of some protection and love and attention and security.

What I wouldn’t give for a daddy dom right now.