a new direction (2)

It’s review time. Again. And I always get nervous about review time. I haven’t liked my job in a long time and it always shines through during this time. I am not a sub par individual. I’m an over-achiever, type-A-to-the-max, get-shit-done kind of person. But I really really have not been this person at work in a long time.

So I get a message from my boss last week. He wants to meet really quickly with me. He wants to ask about a few projects I haven’t completed. Whats the stumbling block. What is holding me back. He wants to help me complete this. He wants to give me a good review at the end of the year. He’s a good manager. He truly cares.

I want to tell him how unhappy I am. How unmotivating this whole environment is to me. I want to tell him that all my male co-workers are draining the life out of me with their “cutesy” comments and annoying jokes. I want to tell him that I’ve already decided to make my slow exit. Go to school for another job. But I can’t say most of this. It’s career suicide.

I should’ve just told him I’ve hit a wall in my projects. That I’ve come to a place that I don’t know what to do next. I should have said this. But instead….

I cry.

I fucking cry.

I hate this. I say I don’t want to talk about this. I’m not prepared to have this conversation. Why didn’t I just say I needed help before proceeding with the project? He tells me that if I don’t want to talk I don’t have to. I told him that I didn’t want to say because I didn’t want him to do thing about it. I can just picture him having a meeting with the guys and telling them to lay off. Yeah, that’ll work. That won’t make it weird at all. :-\

He tells me if I don’t want him to do anything about it, he won’t. And I’m feeling hopeful for the first time since the meeting started. So I wipe my eyes, clear my throat and tell him all the problems I’m having with the guys. I tell him that it’s almost silly to bring up because any one thing isn’t a big deal. So what, they made fun of the fact that I didn’t go to lunch with them because I brought my food… And they make up things that it is… tofu or tree bark… meanwhile I’m sitting here with shrimp and green beans… yeah that’s super duper weird. Heaven forbid anyone try to be healthy around here. 😐 anyway. Like I said, no one thing is worthy of writing up a report. But I work with 5 guys. Very closely. And it’s constant. It’s every day. All day. I’m annoyed. And tired of it. They don’t understand why I’ve been so quiet lately. They don’t get it. And I’ve snapped at them before. I’ve gotten verbally upset with them. I’ve put on my headphones mid conversation. I’ve never flat out ignored people before these guys. I’m not NOT letting them know how they make me feel. I’ve stopped being subtle awhile ago.

So yeah, I’m not motivated. And when I do come to a place in my work that I need help I take a few extra days before reaching out. I use to open up to these guys. I use to consider them friends. And honestly they are good guys. They think they are cute and having a good time. Picking on a little sister or maybe bad flirting. Idk. But I’m way over it. It’s not motivating. No. I’m not doing my job well. I hate it. I’m worn out.

I tell him all this. And he see’s my point of view perfectly. He’s apologetic. And he’s making me feel like I did a good thing by telling him. He says he understands that I don’t want to work here any more. (I didn’t tell him I had a plan to exit the company, just that I didn’t know what to do and didn’t want to work in corporate with men ever again.) He even told me to keep him updated on what I plan on doing. That he knows a lot of people. He can ask around at church for other options for me. HOW SWEET IS THAT!? He also says that he’d hate to lose me. That he’ll try to think of ways of getting around this. He knows and agrees with me that if he brought this up to the guys they would ostracize me. It would only make it worse. I try to portray that I want a relationship with them. I just NEED them to have boundaries. But I truly don’t see them understanding this. He agrees.

We end the meeting. No resolution. No plan. But understanding. I’m happier than I expected to unload on him.

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