Archive for December, 2016

hospital part 4

December 27, 2016

So, Tuesday Morning I was home by 10am!

Thank you thank you thank you! I was still so weak and so sore. I basically just
got into bed and chilled there the rest of the week. A few noteworthy things that
happened over the course of my hospital stay.

My ex-husband was around A LOT. And he’s the sweetest person. Him and his family
are givers. Most generous bunch you’ll ever meet. They are like that with
EVERYONE. There’s zero discrimination. People they just met, people they’ve known
forever. The bum on the side of the highway. The waitress that “must be having a
bad day.” Everyone. My ex brought me a goody bag of things. Christmas socks that
were the softest I’ve ever felt. Headbands for my gross hair I didn’t have the
energy to wash. He brought me his ipad to use. Chap stick… just because. He
stayed with me one afternoon. Held my hand. I NEEDED my hand held. I was in pain
and I was scared. It felt nice. His family even sent me flowers.

Also, the guy I’m seeing was out of town with his family. He was suppose to come
back on Friday. But Friday turned into Sunday. He got into town early afternoon.
He was going to come see me, but he came home to cat puke on his bed. Okay. Sure.
Clean your bed. Well then West World was on. Um… sure. Whatever. My other
friends were there. I didn’t need his company. Just wanted to see him. He finally showed up around 9:30pm. He was proud of himself for inconveniencing himself with a hospital trip. Sigh.

My mom was quick to point out the difference in the two men. She even said something about remarrying my ex… and things happening for a reason… and blah blah blah. I can’t even sometimes. It was very nice having someone do special things for me and to help me in a time of need. Very nice. But remarry nice? I mean… come on… let’s not rush ourselves. But, honestly… it was really hard not to think about that. Really hard. I’ve done a really good job not comparing people to my ex up until this point.

Plus the other guy… he may just not be good at comforting or know how to deal with sickness. It’s a gift that not everyone has. Sickness is an inconvenience more than anything. Sigh… whatever. Blah blah blah. Excuses excuses excuses.

But in his defense he ended up coming in after work on Monday and staying all evening. My other friends came too. We pretty much had a party in my room. I’m sure the nurses LOVED that. Too bad I was only on Tylenol by then. 🙂 I really am lucky to have such great people in my life.

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hospital part 3

December 27, 2016

Over the next few days I needed help getting out of bed. I didn’t eat for 2 full
days…. if you know me you know this is a huge indicator of illness. I’m the kind
of girl that binge eats even with the stomach flu. I’m all about some food. I am
an addict…

And food was not an option. Even with pain meds I couldn’t. Not only was it a bad
idea I was terrified of food. How could food betray me like this. What else was it
capable of??!

I’d take a few sips of clear fluids… that’s about it. I was hooked up to an IV
drip so I knew I wasn’t going to dehydrate to death and as far as I was concerned
that’s the most I needed til my tummy sorted itself out.

I felt like I had been doing crunches and leg lifts and knee raises for 24 hours
straight. Everything inside me was swollen. It hurt so badly. Dilauded was an
around the clock event for me. I couldn’t sleep for longer than 4 hours straight
because I would wake up in pain. With the help of the antibiotics my white blood
cell count got within normal range in about 48 hours.

At this point I started feeling a lot better. I was still weak and I was still
unable to eat but I was finally able to take in my surroundings. I started to loathe
peeing in a toilet that had a pee catcher in it. It was cold and wet and sitting
on it felt disgusting. I started smelling like the hospital. I was ready to not be
here any more.

As my friends were getting back into town from their thanksgiving breaks they came
to see me. I am so blessed to have such a great solid foundation of family and
friends. The second night I was there my sister stayed with me, and my brother
stayed the following night. I gave everyone the night off for my final night as I
was able to do things by myself again. Turned out to be a bit too ambitious, but I got through it.

I asked to go home after my third night and the doctors basically told me to shut
up, sit back, and be a patient. I was “very sick”. Oh yeah. I forgot. I mean I
knew I didn’t feel normal. And I knew there was pain… but I forgot that the
hospital was where I NEEDED to be. It’s humbling and weird being the patient…
Like, why all the fuss over little ole me? Oh yeah, I’m sick. Why was denial such a real thing here?

But since I expressed my desire to go home the doctor switched me to all oral meds instead of IV meds and took away my iv pain meds too. Shucks! But It was worth it to get out of that place! So from then on it was just Tylenol. Which by far wasn’t enough but I was determined. If that went well for the next 24 hours I could go home.

hospital part 2

December 27, 2016

I’m curled up onto my ex-husband in the waiting room for all of 2 minutes before my name is called. I’m so grateful. The pain. Just take the pain away… it’s the only thought I have. I b-line (with assistance) to the wheel chair no one offered me… but I knew I couldn’t stand much less walk on my own. Pain.

Someone is wheeling me thru a few door ways. The tunnel is closing in. “Pass out. I’m going to pass out.” “No you aren’t, hun.” White fuzzies take over my entire line of vision. But I never lose consciousness. Another woman barks at me to take off everything from the waist up. I can’t. “I can’t.” “Yes you can. Move to the bed please.” I can’t. “Help.” She pats the bed. I somehow pull off the sweatshirt my brother put on me. And peel off the tiny camisole I stripped down to when I got home from work that afternoon.

I even manage to get on the bed. She’s asking me questions. I can’t answer in more than 2 syllables. I can hardly concentrate on their words. Pain. Please fix my pain. My inner dialog… pain. take the pain away. please help with the pain. “where does it hurt. what kind of pain. how many times have you puked. Do you have gall bladder problems” ON and on and on with the questions. I moan and grunt my way thru. I guess she is satisfied. She leaves. Why didn’t she fix my pain?

The next lady comes in with a jug, A BIG ASS JUG, of liquid. “Okay, hon. You have to drink this for the CT.” More inner dialog. I can’t take a sip of water without puking painfully. There is no way in hell that is staying down and zero chance of me giving it the opportunity. “Ice or no ice, hon?” What is ice? PAIN PAIN PAIN. “Do you want it orange flavored?” Orange? What is orange? More grunting. I must have answered because she threw out the ice and added the orange powder to the jug. She stares at me for a few seconds longer. “I’m just going to set this right here.” She leaves.

The other lady comes back in and shoots a few things into my IV. THANK GOD. It wasn’t life altering but at least it settled my stomach and took the edge off. By this point my whole torso hurt and my stomach was spasming with each exhale and inhale. This was improvement. I started being able to speak. I asked for my mom. They found her and she came to sit with me. She helped me drink the jug of liquid I needed for the CT contrast later.

The CT scan showed that my bowels were completely inflamed. The doctor used the phrase “rip roaring-ly inflamed”. My blood work showed that my white blood cell count was up at 36k. Healthy range is 4k-10k. After that they busted out the good stuff and treated me a lot nicer. Holy f&*#ing $h!t…. Dilaudid is amazing. Felt like a cloud came up around me and enveloped me. Finally relief! and sleep. I was so so grateful. Me and my mom only waited another hour before they admitted me and we were both able to get better rest. I was so glad she was there. I felt awful that she was up all night and worrying with me, but nothing is better at your sickbed than your mommy.

day after thanksgiving (hospital part 1)

December 27, 2016

The very next day after thanksgiving I worked a half day. I came home. I played with my nephew, saw my nephew and sister off to their next holiday location, and took a nap.

When I woke up I had pain in my upper stomach. It was significant. I figured I was paying for my fudge and cake consumption. I had this coming. Fair enough. But soon after I started throwing up. Then I thought maybe it’s something my body just needed to get rid of. Something didn’t sit right. The body is good at detoxing in that way. Just let it run its course out… in whatever direction it chose.

2 hours later I’m still puking and now I’m in cold sweats and too weak to make it to the bathroom. I started out throwing up in the toilet. Rinsing my mouth and blowing my nose in between each episode before returning to my bed. Now I’m puking off the side of my bed into my trash can and wiping my mouth on my sheets… rolling back onto my pillow to try to gather myself for the next violent hurl.

3 hours in… I can’t even think straight enough to find my phone. People shouldn’t live alone. I couldn’t think. Much less type or even see straight enough to text. The pain was increasing with each episode. I’ve lost count. I can’t move except for when I try to aim at the trash can.

4 hours in… The pain continues to increase. I finally know this isn’t just something my body is going to get rid of. There’s nothing left. I’m in need of help. I reach out and relief flooded me when my phone was within just a few grabs away. I call my sister… I’m not sure why. She isn’t even in the state any more. Advice… I need advice. What do I do? But the real question is what could I do. This phone call was already stretching my capabilities. She tells me to hang up and call help right away… did she mention my ex or did I go there instinctively? My next phone call was to my ex husband. All I can muster is “Help”.

He shows up with my brother. (quick reminder: they live together. Also they were about to head out of town for a hunting trip.) They assess me. I’m bad. Very very bad. If I walked into me like that I would’ve loaded up my poor self and gone straight to the ER. But these boys just experienced a stomach virus a week prior. They figured it was the same. So we wait it out some more… I’m in and out of sleep and vomit and pain induced rocking.

6 hours in… I can’t take the pain any longer. This is not passing. This is something else. I tell them in as few syllables as possible that it’s hospital time. They tell me I need to get dressed, but I can’t imagine moving. This commute is already too hard for me. These boys jump right in. They dress me. They carry me. They find my insurance card with the rare grunts I can muster. Somewhere along the way my mom joins the party.

My little brother is my rock star in this moment. He takes care of the front desk and paperwork and whatever else it might take to get me help.

bake time!

December 21, 2016

I want to bake!

I want to spend 4 hours kneading and letting bread rise.

I want flour allllllllll over my kitchen! I wanna play christmas music and clean and put up my tiny pathetic tree while I wait for it to bake!

That is all. 🙂

more what?

December 20, 2016

While me and my little brother were talking about life and love and happiness over a few beers he said a few things to me that got me thinking.

He told me I deserved so much more than what I was grasping for in life. He specifically meant my love life. He’s met my current guy and while he doesn’t disapprove he thinks that I can do better.

I deserve more.

I keep thinking about this lately.

And do I? Do I deserve more? Why? Why does anyone deserve anything? What is more? I can’t stop thinking about this. Frankly, I don’t agree with him. Not that I think that I don’t have enough now. I just don’t know that I agree that I’m 1) deserving of more or 2) in need of more. It’s one thing if I’m being treated badly or if I’m being ignored. But what is this more he speaks of? Am I missing something I don’t even realize? Should my self worth reflect what I have or what I *should* have?

I don’t have answers today. Just questions… hardly questions… just thoughts. I’ve always been good at not needing answers.

thanksgiving 2016

December 20, 2016

So thanksgiving was coming up and I was really dreading it. It’s just not the same since 1) I’ve been working for a retail company and 2) my parent’s split up. Our family doesn’t have a home base anymore, ya know? So plans don’t come together well at all.

My mom decided to take her vacation with her fiance during that week because last year was so disastrous. I don’t blame her one bit. My 2 oldest brothers and my sister have their families that they can build plans around. And my dad? He always crashes some poor neighbor’s thanksgiving. That left me and my little brother all orphaned.

On top of that I was on-call and I only got that Thursday off from work. Nothing seemed to be shaping up into a traditional holiday. I was sad over it.

Less than a week to thanksgiving I talk to my sister and find out she plans on being in my area so that her son’s father can have him for the week. This means she’d be staying with me for several days! So I called my little brother and asked if he’d like to do a meal at my place.

My place = 1 bedroom apartment with no place for even a dining room table. But that didn’t mean we couldn’t all hang out and eat awkwardly off my coffee table together!

The night before my sister tells me she’s running a day late… You heard me. Lol… a full day late. Instead of coming in Wednesday afternoon she had to take advantage of an opportunity I don’t blame her for. So she’ll be there around 3pm on Thanksgiving day. Anyway, Wednesday night my little brother comes over to help cook.

Actually he ended up being the bartender while I baked and prepped. It was a lot of fun. After we consumed a few eggnog cocktails he wanted to show off his new car. Responsible order, I know… But the cocktails were so involved we didn’t have much before heading out. SWEAR! As we round a few blocks we decide to go to my favorite and closest bar. We had a few beers.

Me and my little brother have gotten so close in the last 3 years. We are both in the same area. We’ve both had a few hard times. I guess that makes for some good bonding fodder. We talk about really in depth things. Family things. Significant other things. Past things. Future things. And doing it over a few beers is ALWAYS more productive when you just kind of ramble and offshoot from every topic that keeps rolling in. I had the best time.

The next day he came over early. Cooked me breakfast. And we spent the rest of the day watching movies, drinking beer, cooking, and anticipating my sister’s (and her 4 month old’s) arrival.

Over all it was a fantastic few days. I didn’t realize how much fun it was being the host of big holiday. As in, being in charge of the cooking. It was so much fun! We didn’t do a whole lot of traditional stuff, but it was special none-the-less.

I’m glad I could offer my siblings a place to come through a holiday that use to be so full of such a solid family. It’s not like it use to be… but I see new traditions forming for the future 🙂

the girl with the birthmark

December 20, 2016

To me it’s like having a nose. It just is. I completely forget it might be defining. I’ve never not had it. I forget that is is a prominently displayed feature on my face. I barely see it when I look in the mirror. Or at least its not something I note often. Like I said, it’s like having a nose.

I notice things like a pimple that just popped up. Or the dry skin from having the heater cranked up all night.

I forget its a defining feature. So when I overhear you say, “You know, the girl with the birthmark”, I start thinking… who’s got the birthmark. Oh yeah. That’s me.

It use to be brighter. And larger. I had some laser work done on it. Not because I sought out to get rid of it. I was at a dermatologist appointment once and he mentioned he could laser it, and I just kind of went with it. It broke up the brightest spots just below my right eye. He removed as much as he could. The rest, which is still a significant amount, is unremovable.

I’ve heard people say its the first thing they see. And then I see people every day for years and one day they ask who punched me. To which I’ve many times replied to with “You should see the other guy.” Original I know, but people laugh every time. Tried and True. As soon as I tell them that it’s actually a birthmark they are almost embarrassed. Not sure why. Is it because they feel silly for never noticing, or they feel rude for pointing out something I can’t change about myself. Almost like a foot in mouth situation.

But it’s not embarrassing to me. It just is. It’s endearing. It’s me. If you love me, you easily love my birthmark. I know this about me.

When I’m eating a clean diet and taking care of myself which I tend to do, my complexion is second to none… porcelain beautiful… and my birthmark actually stands out even more… but in a smooth sort of glow.

I guess I mean to say… I am the girl with the birthmark. It’s mine. It’s me. I love that.

out of nowhere

December 19, 2016

I made m smile today.

Is there anything better?

eek!

December 9, 2016

Okay, so…. here’s my issue.

When we are in our own little bubble everything is AWESOME! I love this guy’s company. I like learning from him. I truly think he could make me a better and more well rounded person. I trust him. When it comes to politics and finances and career goals I’d be lucky to have him around for advice, motivation, and maybe a great intellectual argument or two. Keep me on my toes. Challenge me. Those are incredible qualities to have for a partner in life. I’ve never actually experienced this before. I think it goes back to that respect thing I mentioned.

But… There’s a snag.

He is loud and obnoxious ESPECIALLY in public. I’m empathetic, easily embarrassed and have a phobia about being embarrassed in public. This guy is my social nightmare!!

I don’t know what to do. when I brought up the fact that I’m easily embarrassed and even mentioned my phobia about it all he said was “we’ll burn that right off of ya”.

CRINGE!