Archive for October, 2016

Vegas

October 24, 2016

I just landed in Vegas. Just now. I have a work conference. I came alone. I’m, to say the least, not a happy camper. 

I went to inquire about a shuttle ride and I wasn’t satisfied with the wait time. 30 minutes. I consider speedy travel something I’ll spend for. Which says a lot because I’m cheap as hell. The shuttle ticket lady directed me to the taxi pick up. I go. 

I walk out and wouldn’t you know. 30 – 40 minutes wait for a fucking taxi. 

But the way they herd you into a line it’s impossible to turn around with all the people and baggage. So I can’t just crawl back to the shuttle ticket lady. The line is set up like you are waiting for a ride at Disney World. You know, the chain and posts and zig zag single file line. 

But. I made a decision as I pulled out my phone to bitch at the first person in my text inbox list. I decided no more complaining about this damn trip. I’ve been complaining non stop since this trip was booked. 

Vegas? Alone? No thank you. But it’s time to stop being a sour puss about it. 

Time to enjoy it. Or at least stop bringing down the people around me with my whiny, lonely, work conference story. 

So instead of getting all upset in this line I decided to blog. It totally zapped my rising anger! 

Let’s fake this damn-fucking-more-Blankety-blank words trip til I make it! 

week ???

October 11, 2016

I have no idea where I am in this whole weight loss challenge. I do know that I’m JUST NOW under 160. That took for friggin ever! My birthday really threw in a rough kink. I swear it was the birthday that never ended. I had so many dinners and lunches and celebrations. Gah! It was awesome! But impossible to stay on track.

So the scale isn’t budging much, but holy cow! My clothes. The mirror. They don’t lie. INCHES INCHES INCHES. I feel amazing.

This is by far the longest I’ve been this consistent. I’ve meal prepped so much in the last 3 months. It’s insane.

For the first 5 or 6 weeks I didn’t struggle much with my binge eating. But after that it’s been so so tough. I know that a lot of that has to do with my birthday and making so many exceptions. Once you have the bad things in your veins that is ALL you want. And ALL you think about. And when the craving hits…. game over. It’s been rough.

Everything in the gym has improvemed. I ABSOLUTELY love it. The feeling is beyond what I ever expected.

I have good brain days and bad brain days. But the fact that I have a few skinny brain days cropping up is such an awesome gift and such a telling side effect.

So while I won’t make any money off this weight loss challenge, I’ve definitely made some great mental strides here and very evident physical ones. I wore a bathing suit this weekend (too cold to swim but perfect for poolside reading in the sun!) that I’ve put on twice this summer and promptly took off. I put it on this weekend and didn’t feel compelled to jump out of it! I even got a compliment from my brother. MY BROTHER! A brother compliment!!!! WHAT?!?!

closure

October 6, 2016

So…. mitch called me last week. He said he wanted to start thinking about us maybe sort of getting back together. Vague as shit, right? But… you guys know what I went through. I couldn’t just say no and hang up. It wasn’t just my curiosity that made me say “Yeah, we could talk about that.”

Two days later he texted me and said he was on his way to Little Rock. He had friends to catch up with and he wanted to meet up with me too. Whao.. I haven’t seen from this guy since March and he wants to get things going again AAAAANNNNDDD HE’S ON HIS WAY TO ME???

I didn’t know how to feel. It’s like my feelings short circuited and shut down.

“Okay, yeah. We can do dinner.” Whats the harm in that?

He picks me up. He walks up to me and hugs me and kisses me. Kisses me like he owns me. I’m hesitant, but my reflexes were too slooooow and I kissed back, but it felt all wrong.

It wasn’t til I was sitting across the table from man that I realized just how much anger I have for him. I am so so so so so mad! How could he do what he did? He’ll never understand what shape he left me in. NEVER. I’m sure that forgiveness isn’t impossible, but it surely wasn’t today. We had our meal and I tried my best not to talk about the break up and just talk about us now. And what he was thinking and about his expectations and such.

When I said the word expectations all he answered was that he expected we would have sex tonight (Sunday night). I was a little taken aback as I was referring about how he thought we were going to pick up a relationship long distance and if he expected us to be exclusive or what level of commitment he was sitting on. Um… sex? Tonight? Really? Like, sex with mitch was fantastic, don’t get me wrong. And this week I have been in a MOOD! But… it couldn’t have been more of a turn off. I quickly set him straight on the issue. That I’m unsure of where I stand on the boundary front, but that I wouldn’t expect sex tonight if I were him.

As we were making our way back to my apartment he puts his hand on my boob and tries to start rubbing. I throw his hand off. And he said “what’s wrong babe?” “I’m just not sure about all that. I haven’t seen you since march WHEN YOU BROKE UP WITH ME.” Then he puts his hand on my crotch. I yell “NO” as forcefully and summoning as much authority as possible. And you all know about my submissive when it comes to men, especially lovers (ex or not). I had to dig deep for this, but I was amazed at his forwardness.

He drops me off saying he has committed some time to his old roommate while he’s in town and asks if he can come back later that evening. I tell him it just depends on how late it was… it being a school night at all. I know it hasn’t gone well this far, but I wouldn’t mind another conversation before he leaves town again.

It isn’t til 10 that he asks when is “too late.” At 10:30 I head to bed and I tell him this much. “So… I can’t come over?” “Goodnight.” Eye roll. I’m kind of mad at this point. Don’t tell me you are coming back and then expect me to stay up for you. No sir.

THe next day I don’t hear from him til the evening. He asks if he can stay the night… but it won’t be til late. More committed time to another buddy in a town about an hour away. I said he could… I’m still wanting that conversation.

He doesn’t come in til 11pm tho. I know at this point a productive conversation is impossible. He tries his handsy shit again, and I have to tell him to quit being so pushy.

I felt like the whole weekend was one big booty call. It made me feel shitty. He never once made me feel respected, valued, or cared for… That from the guy that says he wants to try a relationship again?

All I can say is WOW and thank you mitch for the closure.