in a puddle

Yesterday was my 29th birthday. I

Went to the gym. Got in some birthday burpees with my gym rat buddies. Love that they push me. Love the energy they have. Then I got a 165 pound back squat. That’s a lifetime PR!

I’ve been consistently getting better in the gym. IT FEELS AMAZING.

Then yesterday evening I went out with one of my best friends. It was a local octoberfest. So much fun. Lots of beer. We saw people we knew. We met people we didn’t. Chatted. Flirted. Some of my favorite activities! After that we went to get some late night pizza. It was yummy. Good birthday, right??

At some point over the pizza my mood took a nose dive. There were three of us at this point and I was happy they were occupying each other’s company because I was becoming utterly useless in the social department. I was sitting across the table from them completely hiding the fact that all I wanted to do was cry. Not like a simple tear threatening to retreat from my eyeballs, but like, curl up in the bathroom stall balling my eyes out kind of cry.

I got home shortly after midnight. And promptly fell asleep only to wake up less than 3 hours later. I laid in bed for an hour feeling shame and guilt and sadness from no real source. Or is there a real source? I brainstormed all the possible real sources. The spiral. I’m spiraling down into a puddle of ickiness. I’m dwelling. And spiraling. And I feel so low right now.

I walked my dog. Then I laid in bed for another hour. And I finally just gave up. I’m out of bed again.

I’m so up and down I can’t keep up with myself. I mean… I wish I’d pop back up about now tho. I’m getting worried that I’m settling into a depression. But what is this counter balance of ups? Is it worth it? I say balance, but it doesn’t feel like that really… No. No up can make this puddle worth it.

The chemistry is wrong in my brain. That’s all it is, right?

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