Archive for September, 2016

to be known

September 29, 2016

Had girl’s night last night. My best friend, E, brought in someone new.

Side topic: why am I always so hesistant about new females? Whether they are friends of my girl friends or guy friends.

Her friend… let’s call her S. S brought an avacodo salsa that was AMAZING and she tipped the scales with some hint of lime chips. I pretty much took it over. They were fine with the pizza they ordered so I didn’t feel bad in the least!

When it was time for them to go (we were at my apartment) she asked if I wanted the rest of that salsa because that was just a tiny bit of the portion she actually made. Um… hellz yes, but do not leave that bag o chips! THat’ll make a great pre-workout snack!

So I emptied her dish into one of my tupperware containers. I then walked over to my sink and started cleaning the glass dish. Okay, so… when it comes to glass serving or mixing bowls I get some deep satisfaction cleaning it. Especially the clear glass! I mean… I don’t know what it’s about. But it wasn’t a chore at all. In mid rinse S says “Oh you didn’t have to clean it. I was just gonna take it as is.” E immediately says, “That’s just Michelle.” She swept her arms in the directions all the way around her. “She didn’t clean for you.”

Haha. I love that she knows me so well. But my question is… How does everyone else live??? in filth and clutter?? Nu uh. NEVER!

puddling

September 26, 2016

More dwelling. More puddle. It’s still here. I’m functioning. I’m at work. Small headache. Exhausted from the dwelling. It’s not easy. I can feel it flowing through my veins. It almost throbs. Pulsating a wave of exhaustion everywhere. Reverberating through every limb and appendage.

Going through the motions today. I’m here at work. I will be at the gym later. I’ll stay in solid form til I get home and puddle myself on the couch til I flow to the bed and puddle there at bedtime.

I’ll be home in 5 hours. I can do this.

in a puddle

September 25, 2016

Yesterday was my 29th birthday. I

Went to the gym. Got in some birthday burpees with my gym rat buddies. Love that they push me. Love the energy they have. Then I got a 165 pound back squat. That’s a lifetime PR!

I’ve been consistently getting better in the gym. IT FEELS AMAZING.

Then yesterday evening I went out with one of my best friends. It was a local octoberfest. So much fun. Lots of beer. We saw people we knew. We met people we didn’t. Chatted. Flirted. Some of my favorite activities! After that we went to get some late night pizza. It was yummy. Good birthday, right??

At some point over the pizza my mood took a nose dive. There were three of us at this point and I was happy they were occupying each other’s company because I was becoming utterly useless in the social department. I was sitting across the table from them completely hiding the fact that all I wanted to do was cry. Not like a simple tear threatening to retreat from my eyeballs, but like, curl up in the bathroom stall balling my eyes out kind of cry.

I got home shortly after midnight. And promptly fell asleep only to wake up less than 3 hours later. I laid in bed for an hour feeling shame and guilt and sadness from no real source. Or is there a real source? I brainstormed all the possible real sources. The spiral. I’m spiraling down into a puddle of ickiness. I’m dwelling. And spiraling. And I feel so low right now.

I walked my dog. Then I laid in bed for another hour. And I finally just gave up. I’m out of bed again.

I’m so up and down I can’t keep up with myself. I mean… I wish I’d pop back up about now tho. I’m getting worried that I’m settling into a depression. But what is this counter balance of ups? Is it worth it? I say balance, but it doesn’t feel like that really… No. No up can make this puddle worth it.

The chemistry is wrong in my brain. That’s all it is, right?

day 1 sans coffee

September 14, 2016

Or should I say hour 3!?

I keep waiting for the headache. But that hasn’t happened yep. I do, however, want to throw up! My tummy is NOT okay. WTF. I didn’t know that was a symptom. Holy moly. WTF!

okay, rant over.

I’m fine.

I can do this.

It’s not like I even went caffeine free… I had some green tea. Whatever. I’ll deal.

I really thought I was phasing out really well. I barely had any yesterday and I WAS FINE! ugh… okay… now the rant is for real over.

Back to regular programming.

dad

September 14, 2016

I just had a conversation with my dad. And It’s past 9pm… so I know to expect the reasonable slur to his voice and the (when sober) uncharacteristic emotion in his voice.

For the longest time in life his mantra was education first. Get a good job. Work hard. Make money. Money money money. He’s a lawyer. And while he isn’t the lawyer that became a judge or became some partner in a big city place, he still does well for himself in small town Arkansas.

Since him and my mom got a divorce a few years ago his mantra changed. And I don’t know if it was the divorce, or him becoming a grandfather, or what, but now its simply do what makes you happy.

What?

Dad? Is that you? As I was finally accepting that my dad must now be finally happy in life and how long has he been miserable and oh my god maybe I need to find more happiness, I find out that he isn’t happy at all right now.

I thought he was living it up. He’s kind of the dirty old man that likes to party and pick up ladies and hell, I guess if you got it you got it even at 65….

He is stuck. And he doesn’t know what to do about it. Funny. Earlier today I sent a message to my sister about how much less stressed we would be if we did what we wanted and what was best for us and what we needed versus being railroaded and taken advantage of. How much better off would we be if we back boned up and spoke up for ourselves. We couldn’t have possibly gotten that trait from our father? No freaking way….

My mom. She was always the one that tip toed all situations. She was the passive aggressive champion of the household. Right?

All this talk about being happy. I guess its coming from a place of wishful thinking more than what he is actually living. I feel bad for him. I was sad to hear it. My heart did something funny… kind of like sympathy… when he said it. I didn’t realize I had that left in me for him since my parents’ divorce.

week 8

September 13, 2016

So you know how you have those days where you wake up feeling disgusting. Gross. Bloated. Fat as the bed you are in. You don’t want any one to look at you. You don’t want to deal with people. You kind of want to cry. Nothing fits. Nothing that fits looks good. And you know it will make the day even worse.

Well, today is THE OPPOSITE OF ONE OF THOSE DAYS.

I don’t know that I’ve ever had so many bad days to wake up with a skinny day? Is that a thing? Fat days, I get. But skinny days??? What??? Am I dehydrated? Did I not eat yesterday? No! I even hit my gallon of water yesterday. I did grab two workouts. One including some heavy lifting and the other some really intense cardio… Hmmm…. Maybe I DO need the combo. Drats. Lol. Also my diet was perfect yesterday. Lots of protein. And all day control.

Makes me want to recreate everything I did yesterday to recreate such a great moment this morning as I looked in the mirror. It just doesn’t happen often. It doesn’t. My poor ole body image. Its wrecked.

Anyway, that is all I had today. I’m starting week 8. Week 8 of 17. Geez. The big picture view is way harder than the daily view. I get so impatient. But today is a good day, and I’ll take that any day.

whoops

September 12, 2016

I feel like that’s been a blog title before in the past… won’t be the last!!

So… remember the whole celibacy thing? yeah. I slipped up.

Actually it was more than a small slip up. It was a whirly shit show of an amazing night. But… I definitely took it too far this time. DEFINITELY.

My morality compass just took the biggest nose dive I’ve ever taken!

So let me incriminate myself a little by divulging…

Went out with my friends on friday. It started out super casual. I’ve got jeans on and a v-neck. Beers at a local brewery. The game was on. I don’t care at all about football but my girlfriend was wanting to watch. So we sat and drank from mid-second quarter to how ever many overtimes it took for us to win. Whatever. Not the important part.

After that a couple of other girls joined us. One was my best friend. They came dressed to impressed and ready to party. Clearly they were looking for something more than low key brewery.

So we packed up and went to an Irish pub. This also was NOT good enough for them. I was having a perfectly fine time. In fact I talked to an old man at the bar about our religious and spiritual back grounds and… well… fore grounds I guess. It was fun and he introduced me to a new drink. The Colorado Bull Dog. YUM!!! So you see, this was the type of evening I was happy to be having.

My friends, still being unsatisfied talked me into the next location. My original friend dropped out at this point. We decided on a new place. Never been, but you can’t be picky after 1am in Little Rock.

We go. We sit and drink. Hangout. My best friend’s friend is getting annoyed and I can’t tell why. But I have a feeling it was because she wasn’t being hit on like crazy. She’s insanely gorgeous and is probably use to being out and fawned over 100 % of the time. It just wasn’t the type of place and we weren’t mingling. We were just sitting at a table. I was still happy. Of course, I had zero expectation. We are there til about 4am.

As I’m walking to my car someone starts coming at me asking if I’m going to the cowboy. Which is one of only 4 places still open in town. I say, “Nope! Headed home!” But I stand there while he closes the gap between us. We talk. We flirt. It’s getting a bit cold out and I start to rub my hands on my arms to warm up with the friction. He grabs me and says here I’ll warm you up. And he hugs me. It’s nice. He’s cute. The flirting has been way too fun to resist the touch.

He starts talking about cuddling… and lets be honest for a second. Cuddling is something that all humans crave. Strangers. Loved ones. We just need to be touched. It’s our nature. Guys use this line because it works! It’s not just me. It’s not just my slutty tendencies. It’s just too damn appealing. “Your place or mine?” We chose mine because it was closer.

We stayed out by his truck for a minute in my parking lot so that he could smoke a cigarette. Sat on his tailgate. He’s one of those truck driving, country listening guys. But hey, I listen to country.

He asked if I had any alcohol inside. My only thought was what about the cuddling??? We talk more about more things. we flirt even more. It’s all just one big flirt tho, so lets not kid ourselves into thinking that this is in any way a life changing conversation. I don’t remember how the subject came up. Coke. Something he rarely does, but at their first location that night someone was offering and he went for it. I’ve never done this. And I’m trying to figure out how he brought it up in a way that made me react the way I did.

I basically said that I don’t do drugs. I’m not against trying anything once, but also my family has some strong addictive tendencies so any use scares me. He lit up a the “try anything once” phrase.

“Wanna try it with me?”

“Um…”

And that was that. We partied. Did a line. Laughed a lot. Did a line. Then clothes came off. And we were all over the place. Everywhere. Repeat. For hours and hours. While I do think I crossed a line that I don’t want to continue down, I can admit that I had a great time. And the conversations after doing it…

My mind opened up. My anxiousness lifted. I said what I wanted. I wasn’t blocked by being nervous. It’s like I knew what I felt and I knew what I wanted. And guys, I rarely feel that certain about what I want and feel. I can barely get words around those ideas. But it became easy. And that is the part I enjoyed. That part felt good.

It was reckless. Yet again, I’m being reckless. So… let the cycle continue. Taking my control back. All of it.

Can’t help but feel this line was just too far out there this time tho. I’m beating myself up over it. And it’s definitely warranted.

week 7

September 6, 2016

Beginning of week 7… I’m not optimistic about the numbers on the scale still. But still feel fantastic. I don’t think the big number I was aiming for in the beginning of this is feasible. I am doing my best and the numbers just aren’t happening. I’m not letting myself get too down over the numbers. The mirror is being good to me. So I’ll have to go with that. The big number is 30 lbs in 17 weeks. But now Hoping for 22? I don’t know. I’ve added heavier lifting and more cardio through the week. I’m interested in seeing what will come of that.

The consistency part is the best part about this whole thing. It really feels like a life style change this time.

I’m struggling a little bit not to binge since my vacation. I took time off of being super strict and my cravings are starting to wear me out. I gave last night. I snaked out on some chips and cheese dip. I didn’t eat it all tho. Whoa. I just realized that. I DIDN’T FINISH THE BAG OR THE TUB OF CHEESE!! Maybe even with the binge there is improvement!

I just have to push passed all the dang cravings. The break wasn’t worth how hard it is hitting it again.

So… to break or not to break next time?

It’s either go insane not taking a cheat or go insane after a cheat. What’s easier? What is better for me long term?

I’ll have to stick with where my cheating was what I was eating and not the amount I was eating. I was cheating but keeping the calorie count where it needed to be. Maybe that’s the ticket. I’ll try that again this week.

I don’t know if you can tell, but I’m trying to talk myself into a better brain space here. Fake it til I make it, right?? Because really I do feel good about all this. I just hoped that my best would look a bit better than this. Let’s see what week 7 looks like. I won’t have numbers to post or compare because I’ve put my scale up. But lets see where my brain is later this week.

Inspiration hits!

September 2, 2016

Plan for the next few weeks:

  • Start weaning off coffee… I know I know… big deal, right?!?!? I’m converting to tea! Well, maybe. WE SHALL SEE!! Hoping this helps my terrible sleeping problem.
  • Add 2 days of cardio to my routine per week.
  • Start a 3 day strength cycle of cleans, squats, and snatches (power lifting) on top of my workout routine. Time to get heavy and make some gainz!
  • Follow up on a resume I submitted for a bakery manager position. Time to get career/life focused on what I REALLY want to do.

I’m not sure why this vacation energized me to get some shit straight and make some improvements. BUT I FEEL SOOOOO READY!

week 6

September 2, 2016

Being on vacation obviously makes a diet impossible. And actually, like most people, I took a vacation from dieting too.

I spent a few days resisting the extra calories, but by day 3 I was in full vacation mode. And I’m glad I loosened up a bit. I had a blast!!!!!! The ultimate Maine experience!

  • whale watching
  • sailing
  • kayaking
  • hiking
  • lobster and blueberry pie eatin!

So much fun with two girlfriends from college that I got to be extremely goofy with. I got the BEST pics. So so so much fun.

I needed to be with people who made me loosen up on the calorie front and cash front. I’m so cheap!

And the whole trip, with airfair and food and entertainment, and other travel expenses came out to just over $1000… And I haven’t vacationed in 2.5 years! So I feel pretty good about all that.

As far as the diet is concerned I have put my scale away. I’m going to continue to prep food, make healthy decisions, up my cardo, and add a few focused strength cycles. I feel great! And I shouldn’t let the scale dictate my mood. So for at least a few more weeks the scale is up on top of my fridge way back in the back. I not only need a step stool, but I also have to climb on top of my counters before I can reach it. So! Here’s to chipping away at the ole body!!!

And a noteworthy event: I’m in new jeans and they are a size down!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy friday all!