Archive for July, 2016

feels

July 30, 2016

I have too many. A mistake has been made. I’ve been allotted more than my share. I must have taken someone else’s. They are sitting there… all hard to the world… feeling nothing. Do I envy them?  I don’t know. I mean… Normally I feel like this is a gift. But all the feelings are hurting me right now. Like an open attack on my heart. On my mind. On that stupid spot on my forearm…

Must be a mistake.

week 1

July 26, 2016

I keep getting that feeling in my forearms today. That rejected feeling. It kind of moves in a swirling pattern. I don’t know why my emotions can’t recover. They just plain can’t. I have great moments. Moments I don’t think about the sadness. And moments where I’m enjoying the now and the people around me. But this cloud is hovering still.

I’m starting a new weight loss journey today. Something a bit more focused than the moderation i’ve been doing lately. I mean, i’ve been doing moderate extremely well. I was very forgiving of myself. I had pizza and cheese dip and beer. But i’d also prep food for several days of clean eating.

I need more tho. It’s not enough. It’s time to get to my goal. It truly is. I’ve spent 7 years now sitting in a better position and in better health than previously but it’s time to take it all the way. Take it to the ideal. To my ideal.

I’ve come into an interesting situation. I have a person in my life that has seen my struggle for years. My day to day battle with emotional eating and working out a shit ton. And always coming up even. They have made me an offer I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT REFUSE.

If I front $200 then in 17 weeks time if I lose 30 pounds I will receive $1000. I think it’s brilliant. I need to lose 1.8 pounds per week to do this. I have to be consistent for 3 full months. I’m dreading all those binge-ful moments where I have to confront so many demons versus literally stuffing them down with food. I’m scared that this motivation won’t be enough. I’m scared.

But I think if I remain patient with myself while also having a sense of urgency with each food decision I make then I can do this. If I don’t do it this time then I can’t see myself ever doing it. I work really hard to always go backwards. Really hard. It’s quite depressing what I could’ve accomplished with all that effort without the backsliding.

I’m going to try to do this. Week 1 starts today. Each Monday in my calendar has a new number that I should weigh that day if I want to stay on track. My hope is that the beginning goes a bit quicker than the pace I’ve set out so that towards the end, when I’m down to those vanity pounds, I can put the same kind of effort in with enough results to make it.

So while I’m really sad and feeling very refected today by the world I’m also hopeful. I’m also grateful for a focus. Let’s see what happens.

7/26/16 167.8lbs

mess

July 21, 2016

I feel like I’ve made such a mess for myself that I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to fix it. To fix me. I feel so guarded right now.

I’ve never even tried being guarded before. I’ve always been so open to what the universe has for me. And right now I’m nothing but emergency break and quick getaway cars.

I’m a mess. A big broken mess.

SQUIRREL!

July 14, 2016

Only Americans could be so easily distracted from all the hot topics. People dying? Most disappointing presidential election in history pending? Riots? Not so peaceful assemblies? Escalation at the worse we’ve seen on domestic soil?

No problem. NINTENDO TO THE RESCUE!

Catch all the POKEMON!

It’s so easy to say that its a negative thing… Our attention span or lack thereof. You can blame it on that. But I think everyone was getting scared and everyone was needing a break…

We hooked ourselves to the latest craze like we were changing the subject at an awkward family dinner to help divert attention from the most recent black sheep move.

I haven’t downloaded this app (yet). But I fucking LOVE the break it’s given my Facebook feed. And some of those new memes going around? HILARIOUS!

I’ll gladly take laughing about ridiculousness over people hating on each other about subjects that no one will solve… especially not the way we chose to go about it. Maybe that is what makes me part of this generation. Typical millennial. But honestly I think we just see patterns in our politics from over the years… you know the one where we say we want or don’t want something and then no one cares about that opinion? And we just don’t want to play. We just plan on being disappointed and roll with the punches. No one is going to get tooooo far out there, right? A lot of it is broken, but checks and balances DO exist. I’m good with that covering me.

the decision

July 13, 2016

I don’t know why I’m linking my sexual freedom and my broken heart.

Maybe its the logical connection tho.

I feel like if I can control one it might take the edge off the other. I’m still in so much pain. My constant state of being is being broken. My heart is aching all the time. Sometimes its a subtle throb and other times I physically have to stop and catch my breath while holding back tears.

So… Celibacy. 4 months. Let’s hope it’s the road to some healing. Or in the least help me find a better pattern… Find a better MO when it comes to dating and finding someone to spend my life with.

I don’t feel pathetic making that a goal in life. It’s very human. That constant search for my other half. It’s instinctual. I do hope to have peace about it tho. I hope it becomes somewhat less nagging in my heart and brain (and ovaries).

It’s not like it’s my only goal in life. But I won’t deny it’s HUGE! I’m okay with that. But peace would be good. Less pain would be great.

Let’s see what happens here.

firsts with trey part 2

July 13, 2016

After the date we spent the night together. It was our first night spent together. Normally we do our thing and we part ways for the night. Not this night. He had been asking this for this for weeks. Sweet, huh?

4am I wake up to him on top of me. I try not to react in a panic. I just kind of shoo him off like I’d do with my puppy…. small tap tap tap on his side. He does this not so subtle move 2 more times. Or was it 3? I do the same tap tap shoo shoo. Trying not to make a big deal so I can drift back to sleep. I couldn’t have been sleeping long… 2 hours since we drifted off maybe? I was way out of it. And also way disturbed by how he’s going about this.

He mumbles something under his breath. Something about being a boy and how he’ll just keep trying, poking, pawing, prodding if he stays. He leaves.

He left. After our first real date. During our first actual night together.

I’m a highly seduce-able woman. I mean, to a dirty fault. But there are a few buttons you have to hit first. They are ALL over me, so just pick one. Two for good measure if you like. I assure you climbing on me won’t get you there. Going straight for my un-swollen and un-provoked clit… it won’t help you either. Especially from a dead sleep. It’s hard to even apologize for not going for a round two without the tiniest of effort.

We just had the conversation that night about how I worried about being only wanted in the physical sense. How guys tend to stop making an effort after a few months of a physical relationship. My insecurities were laid out on the table. He looked hurt that I even said I was scared of that being a possibility with him….

Even after all that he couldn’t spend just 2 more hours in my bed til morning light before leaving?

Actions speak louder than words, as they say. And these screamed at me.

In the next few days I told him I decided to go celibate. (I decided on 4 months… couldn’t even commit to 6! But that is a whole other post.) He still assured me he wanted to spend time with me. And because I know it can be a lifestyle change for some I told him he didn’t have to feel bad for seeing other people.

After all, I kind of changed the terms of whatever we are… I went from wrecking ball, only gonna get sex to prove to me you like as you say. So… I gave him an out if he wanted it. And an open option. At least I won’t be worried about my health in the mean time. He assured me he wasn’t dating any one and he still wanted to hang out, date, and get to know me.

We’ve hung out a few times since. He’s tried to make a move. And I brushed him off a few night’s in a row before reminding him of my decision. He looked at me as if I was saying it for the first time. He had hurt and confusion in his eyes. Like I was rejecting him personally. I feel okay making a selfish decision like this. And I understand it would be hard not to take it personal. And I know some part of him thinks he can seduce this decision away. (And don’t get me started on this issue. That one is definitely another post on it’s own.)

We had a date with our dogs at the dog park set up for the following day, for yesterday evening… but he bailed. Coincidence?

i did it!

July 8, 2016

img_1331

I walked up to the counter with my friend and said, “We have this groupon <laid it on the counter> and we don’t know anything about any of this.”

He was SO NICE! I’m sure he is use to working with clueless people. He picked out a gun with little kick back. He gave the safety spiel. Then the instruction spiel. He went really really fast while we were standing at the corner. Just when I was getting nervous about not getting it all down he explained he’d be at my side the entire time.

I guess if I owned a gun shop/shooting gallery I’d stick to new/clueless/ignorant people like asian rice on… well… everything… lol. Fine fine, white on rice. whatevs yo…

So We get out to our lane and we go through it several times. I get comfortable enough… And I have a great time! I knew that I would. I’m so glad I didn’t get discouraged from going. I almost did several times.

Got on groupon today and saw one for a flying lesson… hmmmm…

🙂

moving on and making changes

July 7, 2016

I’m going to the shooting range tonight. I hate that I’m emotional over something that is suppose to be FUN!

One of my really good guy friends is going with me. He doesn’t do the gun like I don’t. Should be an experience for both of us.

I’m glad I’m doing it instead of losing my money over it. I feel like this is a step towards closure over mitch. Silly, but I really felt I had to do this and not let him get in the way of this experience for me.

I’ve thought about calling mitch. But… not sure why. What would I accomplish? Probably could only do more harm than anything. Is there closure to be had? That would be awesome. But I don’t think that exists here.

I hate being so emotional. I hate being so dissatisfied in life. Hate feeling so… so… unhappy and unsettled… and like I’m in limbo for something. What am I waiting on? To get over mitch? To like my job? To what?

But I finally reached a point in my complaining and dissatisfaction where I’ve started taking action. I have finished my resume. It’s time to start job searching. I’m looking forward to the search. I know that it won’t be easy, but the fact that I’m doing something to change this is definitely a positive over all this negative I feel. Feeling productive is my all time happy place.

I also met with my business consultant about the market research on my idea. All things positive on that front for sure. But this is going to be a long haul process of doing it right. My business plan has to be solid. And as of this far I have no numbers on paper. What a daunting task. I’ll get there tho. I’m not in a hurry here and that feels good. Feels like I’m in control.

SIGH.

Okay… wish me luck on the shooting range this afternoon!

Get what you give

July 5, 2016

And this true. If you give more at work you’ll get more pay. Get a better position. If you give more in your workouts you get better results. If you give more in your daily nutrition efforts you’ll definitely see good things happen in that department. All these things that effort equals result. It’s nice to know we can have an impact on the things in our lives.

Somethings get in the way. Like laziness. Fear. Distractions. But for the most part it rings true. You get what you give. Lots of things are investments in that way. Somethings have a higher return than others… and we live our life and adjust accordingly.

But one aspect in life where this is just absolutely not true. No matter how much effort and time you put in it will not bear fruits. There might be fruits in the first place but you won’t increase your fruits at any faster rate. And that’s people.

People suck. People are selfish. People fail. People make mistakes. It doesn’t mean that we should put less effort into people. People need effort. They need unconditional kindness. They need all these things. It’s a shame that being a better friend doesn’t equal getting a better friend. Some people work this way maybe… keeping some sort of score. But I don’t think we want our friendships like that. Do we?

I’ve been dissatisfied in life lately. I guess I’ll just up my efforts in all areas regardless on what I’ll get. I’ll enjoy the return on investments where it happens and I’ll know I’m being a good friend where I don’t.

birth story

July 5, 2016

I was in the delivery room a few weeks ago when my sister brought her son into the world.

There’s something about being in the same room as my twin sister as she experiences so much pain. And maybe it’s not a twin thing at all. Maybe its just a sibling thing. Or a people thing. While she was experiencing each contraction all I wanted to do was cry. My body’s response to her pain was tears.

I didn’t let them loose. I mean, come on… If you aren’t the one about to birth something from your body in the delivery room you don’t get the luxury of feeling things. You have to be strong if she needs you, right? I don’t know. But that is what I decided.

It was pretty intense.

Besides wanting to cry all I could think was how beautiful my sister was in that moment.

Here she is. In the worst pain of her life. Completely naked. And she is the prettiest person that I’ve ever seen. Maybe that’s what they call “the glow” of pregnancy. I don’t know. All I know is that it was overwhelming.

She kicked ass in there. No meds. No man. Just pure finish-line-in-sight, can’t-wait-to-hold-my-baby motivation.

It was an awesome experience. I mean, I think I’m forever talked out of having my own kids, but it was awesome to be there. And I don’t think I can even say we experienced it together, because the events of that night were NOT the same by far for us both – poor girl – but I’m happy I was apart of it.