what am i doing

I fucked up. I think. Maybe. I mean, I am probably just over thinking it.

I hooked up with trey last night. I’ve hung out with him several times since the break up. And last night we had a serious talk about expectations.

I told him I am heart broken. I’m still in love with mitch. And I’m in no way shape or form ready to date anyone in a stable capacity. That’s if I could ever date trey. I don’t know that I can. But why not? He’s funny. And he always catching me off guard with a joke. I love that. He is great company. I just don’t know that I have the feels for him like one should.

I’m just hurting right now. Maybe in the future. Who knows.

Anyway, I told him where I was. I told him I’m going to cause pain to anything in my line of fire. I just wanna use and abuse (or be used and abused). I might not have said it exactly like that. But it was clear.

He in turn let me know what he wanted. He wants long term. Stability. It was a fairly long, adult conversation. We didn’t come up with any resolutions, but everything was out on the table. I even asked him if it’s my job to have the self control and not lead him on or is telling him that I’m not looking to get involved enough to let me off the hook if we did let things escalate in the short run. I said this! Open as can be…

So naturally… we ended up making out on his couch. Then his bed. Then the clothes disappeared. I don’t know what happened. Don’t get me wrong. It was fantastic. I enjoyed it completely.

Sigh. He does not deserve to be hurt if he has legitimate feelings for me. Like I said, I’m over thinking the hell out of this.


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2 Responses to “what am i doing”

  1. singlemilitarymom Says:

    Nope your not terrible. I mean if anything he is still smiling. I mean don’t get me wrong, probbably not the best idea BUT you were honest. If anything he should feel like a dusch bag for taking advantage of your very vulnerable state.

  2. firsts with trey part 2 | Lot of ramblings from little ole me Says:

    […] all, I kind of changed the terms of whatever we are… I went from wrecking ball, only gonna get sex to prove to me you like as you say. So… I gave him an out if he wanted it. And an open option. […]

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