Archive for May, 2016

it’s Tuesday!

May 31, 2016

Playdate playdate playdate!!!

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used

May 30, 2016

There’s two kinds of being used in my world.

1.

When someone doesn’t see you as an individual. You are a body part. You are a female place holder. Anyone could fill this void. Not even a warm body is a requirement.

2.

When you are being used by someone who cares and appreciates you. They are using you in a dirty, degrading, fuck-toy way but they value that you let them do so. The using is going both ways. And really, you aren’t being used at all. It’s just an illusion. It’s kink. It’s sexual preference.

Don’t come at me if I could be replaced by any face or body or blow up toy. If you care then I will give you anything and everything. Nothing I wouldn’t be willing to do to make you happy. NOTHING. All you have to do is be inspired (by me) to want things. And I’ll be inspired (by you) to hand it to you.

This post is inspired by a guy I barely know. I get a few superficial messages from him a few times a week… I went on two dates with him before he left town for work. He asks for pics. There’s no effort in it. All taken for granted. He expects it. I hate that. Show me you care. Just a little. Ask me how my day was. How my week is. How my heart is.

I’m a slut in the fact that I love sex and the dirty kind and a lot of it. But not in a way that I’ll just break it off at your command with no forethought or care for me. Even my rebound neighbor has to try harder than that.

Truth is I’m feeling a bit disposable today. And that’s not a nice feeling. It’s not one that makes me feel like I have worth.

Self doubt, self love, and self worth have taken a nose dive. And I know… I’m just heartbroken. I’ll be okay.

Yeah, I crave company. I crave not being alone. But I don’t need anything that’ll make me feel more disposable and more broken. At least there’s still a shred of self worth enough to know I could make this worse.

raining men

May 30, 2016

It’s actually raining men. As in… i need a friggin umbrella!

And it’s my own damn fault. I should’ve stayed under the radar for a few more minutes. I mean… some of these are just coincidences… the universe sent out a vibe on me…. pulled them all in.

It’s too easy to lean on this attention. But it’s not helping anyone. And these guys don’t care about me. I mean, they can say they do. But where have they been? where do they go? i’m no one’s priority. I’m not an idiot.

I went to a party this weekend. One of my guy friends… who has quite literally made his way around my entire friend circle to some extent was all over me on saturday night. I know this guy… so I just took the attention and flirted back. It’s not harming me what so ever. I have his number. This will roll right off my back. Slick as a dick… Whoops. Typo. Slick as a D-U-C-K.

It turned into a hot tub party. So… I’m not gonna lie… it got steamy. It was turning into a more fun night than I expected. I knew that this was all tease. I had no intention of following this through. It would be a bit desperate on my end for sure. Like, I said… he’s gotten around my friend circle… and even if he only got all the way with one, he has tried to get with all of them in one way or another.

This guy is HOTT. Bicep for daaaaays. That is a weakness of mine FO SHO! So, yeah… I’m soaking this up! He got a bit too close a few times… too close for being in public anyway. I had to literally back up a few times. I’m sure we looked pretty trashy. But EVERYONE was wasted.

I heard he was dating someone that I didn’t know, but I know this guy. If he is dating someone, he’s not committed. And she knows it. He’s open like that. Super casual. He just is. Anyway, he’s all up on me in the hot tub when his current main squeeze shows up! Whoops! I have no idea if she saw us. Or if she cared. Or whatever. I don’t think he knew she was coming. I certainly didn’t!

I do know that he’s got to look like an ass to all his other friends. I mean, he wasn’t shy about being all up on me the ENTIRE night. I took my cue… I got out of the hot tub and joined the gay guys in the kitchen… It was fun too. But he didn’t waste any time letting her fill the spot I was currently in.

Like the rest of the raining men.

Over all the night was pretty fun. But I cried all the way home. I miss mitch so fucking much. The pain is overwhelming in some moments.

what am i doing

May 27, 2016

I fucked up. I think. Maybe. I mean, I am probably just over thinking it.

I hooked up with trey last night. I’ve hung out with him several times since the break up. And last night we had a serious talk about expectations.

I told him I am heart broken. I’m still in love with mitch. And I’m in no way shape or form ready to date anyone in a stable capacity. That’s if I could ever date trey. I don’t know that I can. But why not? He’s funny. And he always catching me off guard with a joke. I love that. He is great company. I just don’t know that I have the feels for him like one should.

I’m just hurting right now. Maybe in the future. Who knows.

Anyway, I told him where I was. I told him I’m going to cause pain to anything in my line of fire. I just wanna use and abuse (or be used and abused). I might not have said it exactly like that. But it was clear.

He in turn let me know what he wanted. He wants long term. Stability. It was a fairly long, adult conversation. We didn’t come up with any resolutions, but everything was out on the table. I even asked him if it’s my job to have the self control and not lead him on or is telling him that I’m not looking to get involved enough to let me off the hook if we did let things escalate in the short run. I said this! Open as can be…

So naturally… we ended up making out on his couch. Then his bed. Then the clothes disappeared. I don’t know what happened. Don’t get me wrong. It was fantastic. I enjoyed it completely.

Sigh. He does not deserve to be hurt if he has legitimate feelings for me. Like I said, I’m over thinking the hell out of this.

Gravity 

May 26, 2016

Humans naturally gravitate towards “okay”…

Just waiting on the moon to pull me in. 

I know it will. There’s no doubt in my mind… Just waiting. 

broken

May 25, 2016

So… I’m having a hard time not covering up this pain by reaching out to someone else. Like, anyone else. I have been in communication with 5 other guys that have shown interest in me in the past… Why am I dumping all this complication on myself on top of all this heartache? Is it worth the tiny ego boost?

I’m standing on the sidelines in my mind screaming at myself to run in the other direction and yet I am completely ignoring it. I’ve already got a play date for next Tuesday with someone who is going to beat me and use the shit out of me until I can’t feel anything. I already have this set up! And it’s with someone that was (is) in love with me. How could I use someone this way? The only fair thing about all this is that I’ve told him everything. That I’m in pain and I’d like to convert that to physical pain. That I crave it. I need it’s centering effects. Worst part after him being in love with me is that me and this guy have a legitimate chance of actually being an incredible couple. We just haven’t had the timing workout in the past.

So how can I be so selfish and needy right now knowing all that? Yet… it’s on the calendar. Therefore it is.

I can’t wait. Can’t wait to be too exhausted to move. Can’t wait to feel so much that my feels shut down and I’m numb. When M broke my heart that’s what I wanted too. For someone to break my body other than my heart. And it worked. It was perfect. I invested in my kink.

Grasping at straws here. The pain is incredible and not in a good way right now. I just want to be broken. Taken to nothing so I can start my way back up to something stronger.

letting go of him and grabbing friends

May 24, 2016

When he broke up with me a few weeks ago I could tell he was still on the fence. He would come over unannounced. We’d talk. I’d cry. He’d leave. I knew he was battling the decision. So I did what any sane girl that is insanely in love would do. I begged the shit out of him. Even in the moment I felt pathetic. But I absolutely couldn’t just let this happen without him knowing my stance on this.

I hated being that girl. But if I still had a say in this decision… By golly I was saying it!

This time… just a few weeks later… Hearing him break up with me again I knew it was different. There was nothing to fight for.

Last time he made the decision out of anger. Pure, raw emotion drove those words. This time… It wasn’t some action that evoked a feeling. He was just… simply… done. So to fight would be futile. I’d be an annoyance. I’m not going to be an annoyance in this situation. If you are done, then I will graciously accept that. I mean, I will cry. And violently so… maybe even in front of you (which, yes, did happen… there was no dignity) but I will still take it like a big girl and let you go.

When I say big girl, I mean I’ll cry like a baby for days and let all my friends carry me through. And they have. I have some of the best people around me.

My best friend brought over wine, pizza, and every single ben and jerry’s flavor that contains cookie dough… there are 3, btw.

Then after a few days of wine and beer binging I had a friend surprise me with Gatorade at my desk on Monday morning.

I love my people. It’s just the perfect moment for people to show me that I’m valued. I needed it. Need it.

So even tho I’m hurting in the worst possible way, I’m grateful for all the other people in my life that would love to take this burden of pain from me. And would do it without thinking if they could. But of course, I wouldn’t let them feel this if they didn’t have to… well, maybe I’d give them just enough of it to take the edge off 🙂 I mean, hey! They offered!

the one part two 

May 22, 2016

He broke it off. And for good. I’m not sure why he un dumped me in the first place. It’s confusing.

But not so confusing that I think we have a shot ever again. It’s different this time. There’s no fence to be on. The fence was torn completely down. Not anything else to say after

You’re just not the one

shaken faith

May 20, 2016

Ever since me and mitch have gotten back together, I can’t quite muster up the enthusiasm I had about us before the hiccup. I mean, I still want him forever. Gosh, I was a miserable mess when we weren’t together. But now I think about all the motives that could possibly be behind the break up. Now, I know why he says he broke up with me. And I know why he says he stayed broken up with me for a week. I know all the explicitly stated shit…

I don’t know why I can’t trust it.

But what’s worse is I don’t know that I can trust that he won’t do it again. He says we are on the same page. Forever and always (I know – gag. eye roll). He says he loves me and wants me. But I can’t seem to settle into it.

I’m nervous.

Why is nervous what I feel?

I’m hoping time will settle these insecurities. I hate it tho. I hate that what we have is colored by this. Once again I’m praying to father time. Fix it, please

 

take 2

May 16, 2016

Last week was terrible. To say I cried a lot would be an understatement. I felt so pathetic.

While I did manage to get out and hang with friends, I still spent my nights unable to sleep and crying at 4 am in the fetal position. I’d be so wide awake by 5 that I just got up and went to the gym a few times. But trust me, I ate my feelings enough to make up for that caloric expenditure.

Sometime thru the week mitch got a job offer out of state. I think this forced a little bit of perspective on the situation. On friday evening he asked if we could discuss a few things.

With such an emotional week I didn’t know how productive a conversation about anything would be. Bottom line is I love him. I want him forever. He has issues. I have issues. But I don’t give a shit. I choose him regardless. If he could do the same with me, I don’t see why we wouldn’t be able to work this out.

He agreed.

We got back together. And I’m so so happy about it. But my relief was short lived because of this job offer.

I went from being devastated from losing him to being really sad that he was leaving me. He asked if he thought we could handle long distance.

I have no doubt I need to try! My faith in us is completely shaken, but no way I could live with not trying this.

I think it’ll be hell. His jealousy is going to cause so much pain. It’s going to be annoying as shit. I’m going to piss him off every other day because of some miscommunication or just him being paranoid or us just not agreeing on what boundaries should look like. But I am at the stage in which my mind is not going to win this. My heart has made it’s mind up! (ha. see what I did there?)

I’m in this. I’m in this with everything I have. If there is anything I’ve learned from dating and dating and dating its knowing that this right here feels a helluva lot different than the others that have come and gone. Even if different ends up not being “it” I can’t chance not treating it as such.

So here we are. I need to get it together enough to enjoy what time I have with him while he is here. Hopefully I have at least a few more weeks… But its going entirely too fast for me.