rejection

I’ve only experienced heartbreak by rejection once in my lifetime. I don’t think I’ll ever not be able to conjure up that feeling whenever I think about it. It hurts. It lingers. It reappears. It kind of taps on the middle of your skull till you are pissed off.

I absolutely, positively have moved on.. like, to infinity and beyond, but damned if I can still feel rejections when I recall the memories.

There’s this spot in my forearms that get this weird feeling. It’s the feeling your stomach gets when you go to fast over a hill. That stomach drop feeling you get when you look down from a cliff or when you are dropping in a steep slope on a roller coaster. It’s so strange. And I have only ever felt that when I was heartbroken by rejection. And I only ever feel it when I’m dwelling on the memory.

It makes me as sad and broken as when it originally happened.

I can’t get over the fact that no matter what “moving on” looks like to me in my life, this will always get to me. Brokenness followed quickly by anger then followed even quicker by self doubt. It’s INSANE!

I was rejected. I was rejected by a boy. I was rejected by a boy that couldn’t even accept himself and yet it still cuts so deep and true. Even the memories cut deep. Like they just happened… every time.

I’ve been thinking about it today because the boy that did this to me announced he is moving away. And while this news doesn’t effect me so much, I just couldn’t help but go through this cycle once again.

Rejected
Broken
Anger
Self doubt

I can’t help but wonder what the point is in re-living this every time. I don’t get it. No matter how displaced or happy I am I have to go through this cycle. I’m aware at this point it doesn’t have much to do with him at all. It’s that feeling. That unique feeling of being rejected. That tingle in my forearms. It’s as if my body needs to feel it. But why?

Advertisements

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

2 Responses to “rejection”

  1. being his | Lot of ramblings from little ole me Says:

    […] This is how I deal « rejection […]

  2. week 1 | Lot of ramblings from little ole me Says:

    […] keep getting that feeling in my forearms today. That rejected feeling. It kind of moves in a swirling pattern. I don’t know why my emotions can’t recover. […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: