super bitch… in the office

I’ve been a super bitch at work these past few weeks. I mean, maybe its necessary, and maybe they deserve it, but I hate it.

Like I said last week, I’m tired of the “innocent flirty” conversations where they just pick at me. I know they are just trying to be cute. And they do it because they like me as a person in general. They just want to break up their day. They just enjoy having female company around even if it’s completely non-sexual. And I believe that. I have to believe that… because I have to work with these “gentlemen”.

I just get annoyed. And this week is strange. I’m not on my period, which is usually when I don’t have the patience for them. Which leads me to believe they are in fact being annoying for real. By anyone’s standards.

I’m wondering if it’s because of something I did wrong tho… Like, maybe in the beginning of working here? You know, back when I was 21… when maybe I liked the back and forth banter of mindless cutesiness. And now that I’m truly a young professional (or desperately trying to be) I’d like to make that transformation. But… how do you do that when the people around don’t know that you have changed? I’m sure they realize how annoyed I’m becoming. In fact, I kind of thing that fuels their fire. Which could be a topic all on its own.

I mean… if yesterday repeats itself a few more times, I’ll be someone they never talk to again, and not because I’m more “professional”. I used the F bomb while trying to hold my ground with them yesterday… and that’s not who I want to be either. I believe the word fuck is very relevant to a lot of things and I enjoy using it and hearing it in certain contexts, but never ever should it be used at work. Fail.

I don’t want to be a bitch, but I don’t want to fight with these guys every day either. Not sure how to make this transition. Maybe it’ll work itself out without much effort. But hopefully I don’t fuck up relationships and my reputation on the way.

Does anyone relate with this and does anyone have advice about it?

My personalities are torn here. I love smiling and laughing and I love people and communicating with them. I am most certainly a very cutesy person! But these guys are taking that to the next level and forcing me to back-bone up, get mean, and just overall be abrupt and unresponsive to them at best and verbally vicious at worst. I want to be seen as an equal here. I want them to consider me a friend. I want to be the easy-ish going person I am. I want to be professional. I don’t want to have to defend all the trivial things I do and decide from moment to moment. When I said something like “why are you guys making me defend myself here?” The only thing that was said was, “Aren’t you glad, tho, that people notice?”

That comment didn’t make me stop in the moment. But a day displaced from that comment… It’s making me think a lot! Am I glad that they notice me? and all the trivial things I do, say, and decide?

There was a time where, yes, I LOVE that people notice me. That people might even admire me. Or more. But now, I think I’ve grown past that need. Now I just want to be able to do my job and enjoy my co-workers company because there’s nothing abrasive about the relationship.

And maybe that’s the real issue here. I’ve cultivated these types of relationships at work because I’ve groomed them on purpose that way. I sought attention and, by golly, I got it. I sought the light fluffy relationships of cutesy arguments and that’s what I found. And still have. Maybe that’s the thing. I don’t need that anymore. I’ve grown up. I’ve matured. I’ve become more comfortable with me. I don’t need outside stimuli to make me happy and content. Now… all that cutesy stuff is quite a bit of work because while I’ve backed off of this behavior they’ve upped their game and made it a sport. Hopefully I find productive ways to stop this pattern.

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One Response to “super bitch… in the office”

  1. being his | Lot of ramblings from little ole me Says:

    […] this week I mentioned what a complete bitch I’ve been at work. I’ve let the guys make me angry. And I really let a lot of things bother me that don’t […]

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