Archive for April, 2016

being his

April 29, 2016

Earlier this week I mentioned what a complete bitch I’ve been at work. I’ve let the guys make me angry. And I really let a lot of things bother me that don’t normally get to me.

Thinking about my ex and being pulled down the rejection memory lane. Being upset because I missed a few workouts that were out of my control… I mean super duper upset… just nothing rational about it. And on top of that mitch had been out of town all week interviewing for a job out of state. And that in itself carries with it a variety of emotions. I missed him terribly. I was nervous for him for the interview. I was scared he might actually get the job. I felt like a one woman cheering section for him to help ease his nerves. It was kind of a lot of work. Especially the missing him part. He originally planned on being back on Wednesday, so when he didn’t get in till 8:30 pm on Thursday it already had me a little off.

Meanwhile, mitch felt he tanked his interview. He was so down, and there is only so much you can say to a man that doesn’t feel good enough. It was heartbreaking to hear him talk about. He got to visit friends and family while he was out of town so that was good. But, also, he found out that his really good friend (who is was staying with for the week) is cheating on his wife and got dragged into the plot as an alibi. I could tell he was completely torn about loyalty to his friend and his own morals on the subject of fidelity. Then right before he got to my place he apparently had a phone call with his dad about the interview. The conversation only solidified his feelings of not being good enough. How do people not understand that the most important part about bouncing back from something like that is to encourage and build up. I just don’t see how a parent can be so harsh when their child is already so down. Why on earth would he have added insult to injury??

Before he walked into my apartment I had no idea about the phone call with his dad, but I did notice he was down. I chalked it up to maybe being tired after such a long day and a lot of driving. I even said what’s up with these half-assed kisses. Didn’t you miss me?? I could tell that hit him exactly like I needed it to to pull our connection back after being apart. I always need that. I need some intense affection to undo missing him. If he walked in and barely touched me and we went right to bed, I’d miss him even more while laying next to him. That’s how it went with andy… every weekend. It left me feeling so unfulfilled.

Anyway, as I said, he got my message. We cuddled and made out… for about 5 minutes before heading to the bedroom. THANK GOD! I hate missing someone that long and I needed me some intimacy to set me straight. Is anyone else like this? I don’t think anything short of sex would’ve done it.

But even earlier that day, I could tell I needed something even more than normal.

Before we hit the bedroom I already knew something was different. There was a different kind of need we both had.

Something I haven’t mentioned before about mitch. He is more than just into rough sex. He’s got some kink to him. Of course, we all know that delights the hell out of me. My submissive/masochist side is and forever will be there. He hasn’t had a whole lot of opportunity before me to put much of his sadist side to practice tho. Mostly (I think) he has just experimented with some bondage play. I could be wrong. But that is my understanding.

He took me as his so fully. I haven’t felt this with him before. Not on this level. It was amazing. He got heavier handed than normal and he was even more demanding and needy. He took everything he needed from me. It was so fulfilling. I knew that I’d be thinking about it all day today with each blow. One hit in particular… It was that one hit… it centered me all by itself. Every part of my body and brain reacted to it. What a release! And the rest of “the session” was just icing on the cake. I got to bathe in my subbie side and masochist side and it felt so so so good. It’s been tooooo long. Mitch hasn’t taken me to my limit yet, not even close. We are in the beginning of us. We’re still laying ground work and trying to find the edges. Last night he got a hint of how much more I could possibly handle.

Afterwards we talked about it a little. I like to do this as soon as it feels right… gauge his head space about it. He tells me about his dad’s phone call almost immediately. It made so much sense. I asked if he got out his aggression like he needed. He looked up at me as if a light bulb went off in his mind. Like, “oh, that IS what I was doing.” He so sincerely said, “Yes, yes, I did.” Sir T taught me this too. It’s more than just what you enjoy in bed… it’s an outlet to life’s stress. I loved this look he gave me. And I didn’t have to say anything else about it. I just said, “I needed it too.” And I just curled up on him being his.

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rejection

April 28, 2016

I’ve only experienced heartbreak by rejection once in my lifetime. I don’t think I’ll ever not be able to conjure up that feeling whenever I think about it. It hurts. It lingers. It reappears. It kind of taps on the middle of your skull till you are pissed off.

I absolutely, positively have moved on.. like, to infinity and beyond, but damned if I can still feel rejections when I recall the memories.

There’s this spot in my forearms that get this weird feeling. It’s the feeling your stomach gets when you go to fast over a hill. That stomach drop feeling you get when you look down from a cliff or when you are dropping in a steep slope on a roller coaster. It’s so strange. And I have only ever felt that when I was heartbroken by rejection. And I only ever feel it when I’m dwelling on the memory.

It makes me as sad and broken as when it originally happened.

I can’t get over the fact that no matter what “moving on” looks like to me in my life, this will always get to me. Brokenness followed quickly by anger then followed even quicker by self doubt. It’s INSANE!

I was rejected. I was rejected by a boy. I was rejected by a boy that couldn’t even accept himself and yet it still cuts so deep and true. Even the memories cut deep. Like they just happened… every time.

I’ve been thinking about it today because the boy that did this to me announced he is moving away. And while this news doesn’t effect me so much, I just couldn’t help but go through this cycle once again.

Rejected
Broken
Anger
Self doubt

I can’t help but wonder what the point is in re-living this every time. I don’t get it. No matter how displaced or happy I am I have to go through this cycle. I’m aware at this point it doesn’t have much to do with him at all. It’s that feeling. That unique feeling of being rejected. That tingle in my forearms. It’s as if my body needs to feel it. But why?

super bitch… in the office

April 27, 2016

I’ve been a super bitch at work these past few weeks. I mean, maybe its necessary, and maybe they deserve it, but I hate it.

Like I said last week, I’m tired of the “innocent flirty” conversations where they just pick at me. I know they are just trying to be cute. And they do it because they like me as a person in general. They just want to break up their day. They just enjoy having female company around even if it’s completely non-sexual. And I believe that. I have to believe that… because I have to work with these “gentlemen”.

I just get annoyed. And this week is strange. I’m not on my period, which is usually when I don’t have the patience for them. Which leads me to believe they are in fact being annoying for real. By anyone’s standards.

I’m wondering if it’s because of something I did wrong tho… Like, maybe in the beginning of working here? You know, back when I was 21… when maybe I liked the back and forth banter of mindless cutesiness. And now that I’m truly a young professional (or desperately trying to be) I’d like to make that transformation. But… how do you do that when the people around don’t know that you have changed? I’m sure they realize how annoyed I’m becoming. In fact, I kind of thing that fuels their fire. Which could be a topic all on its own.

I mean… if yesterday repeats itself a few more times, I’ll be someone they never talk to again, and not because I’m more “professional”. I used the F bomb while trying to hold my ground with them yesterday… and that’s not who I want to be either. I believe the word fuck is very relevant to a lot of things and I enjoy using it and hearing it in certain contexts, but never ever should it be used at work. Fail.

I don’t want to be a bitch, but I don’t want to fight with these guys every day either. Not sure how to make this transition. Maybe it’ll work itself out without much effort. But hopefully I don’t fuck up relationships and my reputation on the way.

Does anyone relate with this and does anyone have advice about it?

My personalities are torn here. I love smiling and laughing and I love people and communicating with them. I am most certainly a very cutesy person! But these guys are taking that to the next level and forcing me to back-bone up, get mean, and just overall be abrupt and unresponsive to them at best and verbally vicious at worst. I want to be seen as an equal here. I want them to consider me a friend. I want to be the easy-ish going person I am. I want to be professional. I don’t want to have to defend all the trivial things I do and decide from moment to moment. When I said something like “why are you guys making me defend myself here?” The only thing that was said was, “Aren’t you glad, tho, that people notice?”

That comment didn’t make me stop in the moment. But a day displaced from that comment… It’s making me think a lot! Am I glad that they notice me? and all the trivial things I do, say, and decide?

There was a time where, yes, I LOVE that people notice me. That people might even admire me. Or more. But now, I think I’ve grown past that need. Now I just want to be able to do my job and enjoy my co-workers company because there’s nothing abrasive about the relationship.

And maybe that’s the real issue here. I’ve cultivated these types of relationships at work because I’ve groomed them on purpose that way. I sought attention and, by golly, I got it. I sought the light fluffy relationships of cutesy arguments and that’s what I found. And still have. Maybe that’s the thing. I don’t need that anymore. I’ve grown up. I’ve matured. I’ve become more comfortable with me. I don’t need outside stimuli to make me happy and content. Now… all that cutesy stuff is quite a bit of work because while I’ve backed off of this behavior they’ve upped their game and made it a sport. Hopefully I find productive ways to stop this pattern.

when it becomes a crutch

April 22, 2016

I feel like there’s a group of people that see emotions as something to be covered. But even further than that, they don’t see them as something that should be felt. Maybe not so much the feel-good emotions, although heaven forbid you don’t play it cool with something exciting happens, but they definitely cover up the bad and the ugly. They don’t believe that depression is a real ailment. They don’t believe that many psychological issues are actually in existence. This isn’t exactly denial. I truly believe that these people, and I’m going to generalize a little bit and say that they are mostly men, just don’t feel the variety of emotions that others do. Not all men, and its not limited to men, I just witness it more with men. They just can’t relate. They don’t understand it. There is zero empathy because they’ve never experienced it.

And this is a shame. Especially for those around them with things like chronic depression, fibromyalgia (yes, I definitely put this in a more mental disorder/disease/ailment – whichever is less offensive because that is not my aim here – than a physical one… I’m not a doctor, k?), and just generally people that feel more, or are more empathetic. I just learned about this one too: Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)… this is a thing. I mean…something like that would be even hard for those sympathetic to mental disorders to have patience with. I believe there’s value in acknowledging all these things.

You know the type tho. The type of person that is completely unwilling to admit these things are real. The people that think of the people that “experience” these things as weak. Or the people that think that you can get over these things as simple as putting mind over matter.

But then there is an equally as annoying counter part to this at the complete opposite end of the spectrum. The people that crutch on these traits, ailments, sensitivities way too much. Everything they do and every decision is at the fault of their disorders. They couldn’t help themselves because they were “triggered” or something as ambiguous.

I do understand that there are more severe cases than others on all these things. There’s a spectrum for it all. And we ALL land someone on it. And I believe there is value in knowing where you fit on that spectrum. Self awareness is a powerful tool. Knowing how things effect you and being able to predict certain situations for you can help with a lot of heart ache or at least put expectations in appropriate places. I can’t stress how much value I put on this.

I’m sure this isn’t making much sense. But just like the man who thinks his son should stop crying and be a man, it annoys me just as much as the friend that cancels everything because they are triggered today by such and such and the only reason that blah blah blah blah is because of something I experienced when I was 5….

I’m a very understanding person. I give a lot of grace and patience regardless of merit. I let people have all their disorders and that give all kinds of excuses for things… but there are people that take advantage of the fact that society is finally becoming sensitive to certain ideas in the psychological field.

Like I said, I’m no doctor. And I’m pretty ignorant on a lot of the things I just mentioned. I’m not trying to offend. I’m just noting an observation. I don’t like when these diagnoses are taken advantage of.

over it

April 20, 2016

At work I have to be in constant defense mode. I’ve got to be ready for one stupid argument after the next. My male co-workers have learned how easy it is to get a rise out of me. And it’s getting so old so fast. Most days I tolerate it just fine. I jab back. I’m cute. I’m flirty. Blah blah blah. But other days its just old and annoying and I can’t stand any of them.

Like today, I have a cold. I woke up early for a workout. And I have a very painful thing going on with my left eyeball. Maybe it’s a sty under my eyelid?? I don’t know. I just know that it hurts so much.

So, maybe I need more coffee, and maybe I just need to get a couple red flags... but I’m just about over people today.

They like to go out ever so often and drink. And when I mean they like to go out and drink, they want to walk out of the office, go straight to downtown and park themselves at one bar for 3 hours. Get up from that bar… walk 5 steps to the front door of the next bar/restaurant and order a pizza and drink for another 2 or 3 hours. Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy this. But I like to go to the gym right after work. I like to consider calories thru the week. I like to be able to take my dog outside before 10 pm that night. They decided we are going out next Monday. And they got completely offended that I said I wouldn’t join them til 6. What!? You all will be out til 9 or 10. I won’t miss a damn thing but maybe 2 rounds.

Why give me a hard time on something? They blame it on how anal I am about my rigid schedule, but this is the first time that I said I might get a workout first before meeting them. I pay a hefty monthly fee for my gym. And I don’t exactly enjoy getting in a morning workout. And obviously if they are upset about me skipping the beginning of hanging out then its out of the question to leave early for a workout…. and after a few beers, that would NOT be enjoyable. I’d never plan that.

I just don’t get the point in the argument. They just sit there and jab and jab and jab and I’m tired. It’s 8:35 and I’m already tired today. They do what they want to do and I should be able to do what I want to do “just because”. None of these guys would adjust their schedule for me… so why do I even consider them in this decision. It’s silly. Next Monday, I’ll workout, I’ll take my dog out, I’ll head downtown… And that’s that.

the one

April 15, 2016

Had a hot couch date last night. 🙂

I love when you first start dating someone, and how it feels good just to sit with them. Like, you smile just because your legs are touching. All the good feels are bursting out. It’s my favorite.

I got caught up for a few years about that sexual charge feeling. You know, that new and exciting person that wants you… And those feels are nice too. Full of lust and want. And they want it too. It just oozes (sometimes literally) from you.

But this is a more calm state of being. Both have their merits. For sure. But this is a grow old with someone, keep ’em forever, buy a house, have babies sort of feeling. I haven’t had this feeling… maybe in forever. I mean, I’ve had small flickers of moments like this. But even when I was married I didn’t feel that consistently.

I didn’t realize this feeling… versus the rip-clothes-off-and-fuck-for-days feeling was ONE THOUSAND TIMES BETTER. No. Infinitely better.

Don’t get me wrong though. There’s definitely heat here. I’ve never dated someone I find this attractive. I feel like the luckiest gal on the planet. I can’t keep my hands off of him. Or my lips. But… there’s way way way more than just lust.

I hate throwing around phrases like “I’ve never felt this way” when starting a new relationship because all my friends say that. One guy after the other… It’s always “This is totally and completely different”. Then three months later they hate each other or it’s 6 months later and they haven’t had sex in 4 months and they don’t know how to break up with them. It’s so cliche and I absolutely hate being cliche. But… guys? This is different! And I’ve NEVER felt this before. The future feels good with him. I can see it. And it transcends all the negative relationship woes that I usually feel when thinking about commitment. That dread I’ve felt about marriage and the whole family thing… it’s not there right now.

And I always have to qualify with this because of my logical math brain. I know its early yet. I know things can go badly and in a hurry. I know I know I know. But…

He’s the one.

And I hope to god I’m not writing you guys in a few weeks, months, or even years saying “I guess he wasn’t…”

And if do? If I’m wrong about this..? I’m switching teams and trying out the ladies.

starting a business

April 14, 2016

I went to a small business seminar this week. It was about how to get started and how to do a business plan. It was amazing!

But I must admit through the whole thing I was on quite a roller coaster.

They opened up with talking about taxes and regulations and lawyers. I was pretty close to just walking out at that point. It’s friggin scary! But I sat thru the hard stuff.

We went through the business plan stuff. And I couldn’t help but get so damned excited. I believe in my idea. I really think it has a place in this world. And I just kept being so grateful on how much I was believing more and more and more in it instead of questioning it. Usually doubt is my slow growing emotion… not the excitement part! I’m taking that as a fantastic sign!

Then they’d say something else about the legation of it all and scare me shitless again. I get that they tell horror stories to make you take crossing your Ts and dotting your Is seem as important as it is. You miss one tax or one law and they can shut you down with fines. Up and down and up and down. It was a good day overall tho. I’m excited to get started and I’m happy to not be in a hurry with it.

I have time to simmer on all my ideas. Time to save. Time to put together a great business plan. And best of all time to shop around for a loan. I’m in a good place. I’m not desperate. But I’m highly aware of my lack of collateral too.

One of the colleges in town has a whole department dedicated to local small businesses. They have free consultants and free market research. It’s incredible. I feel like I fell into a jackpot. They will be able to help me decide on location and more importantly if there is a big enough market for my idea in this area.

I’m pretty pumped to have access to consultants! That helps me not be so fearful of the whole thing.

I can’t wait to see what comes of this!

what’s that smell?

April 8, 2016

Woke up late.

Rolled out of bed.

Took my pup out.

Threw my hair in a messy bun… like, not the sexy kind. It’s greasy and gross.

But I put on my skinny jeans and nude wedges… any time you can throw the word nude in your outfit you’re golden, right? I mean… I’m sure the men I work with would agree.

I completely thought this thru. They won’t notice the smell of my un-showered self if they can see the outline of my ass, right?

That’s not controversial or out of line with my feminist views of women at the office at all.

jealousy tango

April 6, 2016

I finally did it. I deactivated my Fetlife account. I also blocked about a bagillion men on my phone, facebook, instagram, and snapchat. I deleted my kik app. Basically anything that might accidentally have someone drunk texting/messaging/snapping me.

Mitch is suuuuuuper jealous. And… I’m kind of nervous about that! I haven’t exactly set up a shady free life over here. I mean, I’m well on my way there now! And that’s of my OWN FREE WILL! I’m terrified that anyone of these mother fucker’s from my past will send a dick pic just because they are lonely or some bullshit. Yeah, I know what you are thinking. Why the HELL do I entertain these munchkins (munchkins? going with it) in the first place?! I really don’t know. And it’s not like it feels weird at the time… It just progresses in a way that… gets weird. I’m not particularly proud or happy and DEFINITELY not fond of it.

Any way, if it isn’t a dick pic, it’s an “I miss you” text… or a “been thinking about you” or “you still dating that guy?”… and on and on and on.

I can’t have any of these unwarranted and uninvited messages being taken as me being an interested party. NOT EVEN IN THE SLIGHTEST! Mitch will take one look and be hurt and running! I can’t risk that.

I have men’s body wash in my bathroom. Mitch asked me about that. “Is it Andy’s?” Before I could think about it, I said, “No, it’s Sir T (of course i used his real name…)”… and he was asking me in the dark, but I swear I heard his eyes roll and body stiffen. It’s some damn body wash I was just too lazy to throw away… and really I wouldn’t throw it away. Really it’s not about laziness, I kept it around for Andy (is this messed up?). And I will probably use it as soon as my other stuff runs out. Because I’m super frugal like that.  It’s not something I think about.

I have a past. And I can be sad and ashamed and sorry and guilty or whatever for it… but you know what? I’m not that sad and ashamed and sorry or guilty over much of it at all. Would I nullify some of it if I had the chance? You fucking better believe it. But most of it has shaped who I am today and how I know what I’m worth. It took a lot of screwed up moments to understand all that. A LOT! And for the most part, all I feel is grateful for what my experiences has shaped me to be today. I love me. I’m awesome.

Mic drop; out.

cheese dip and workouts

April 4, 2016

I just had my yearly review. I’ve been anxious about it for a week now. So so so anxious. It went fine. Nothing unexpected happened or was said.

But the anxiousness leaves me hungry. I’m starving! Emotional hunger is so so real. I can’t believe how real it feels some times.

I know its not real because the only thing that would satisfy this hunger is cheese dip and chips. That’s all I can think about right now. It’s an hour and 10 minutes until my lunch break. I’ve got to figure a healthy way to curb this, but no resolution is coming to mind.

That’s a lie.

I just keep diverting my attention back to cheese dip.

I’ve got a very rigorous workout schedule planned for this week. I’m keenly aware of the fact that I’m pushing it to the point that I can’t lie to myself about the healthiness of it.

I’m rationalizing the fuck out of all of it! It’s insane.

I’ve got 6 crossfit classes planned. 2 of those are AM sessions. I need to add in some long rows after class too. One treadmill interval workout. And a bike ride or two. Also, going to the driving range with mitch… but that one barely counts.

See it’s not THAT crazy. Nah. It’s fine. I’ll be fine. I’ll be super sore by Wednesday, but don’t worry, I’ll eat plenty. :-\