not feeling loved

It hurts not being a priority in the lives of people you prioritize highly on your list.

It’s not enough for someone to say things like “I love you”, “I want you”, “You are important to me”. Talk is cheap. If those same words aren’t penetrating my feels, it’s meaningless.

Is this my problem? Yes, yes it is. It certainly is if no one else cares enough to figure out what it would take for me to feel what they say they feel.

I can’t help but wonder if it’s my fault that I didn’t feel it. But there are certain actions that could’ve helped. Am I spoiled? Am I expecting too much? No, I just can’t believe that. If I don’t feel loved, then that’s all there is to it.

I broke up with Andy this weekend. After going to see him two weekends in a row, and him not leaving his town to see me til after 6pm on saturday. I’m not okay with that. Why am I not worth a little bit of urgency? We ONLY get the weekends. And sure, one weekend doesn’t make me less, but one weekend on top of other choices he’s made about his time and money…? He can say he loves me and even add an extra squeeze to a hug and say “so much” with it and still never make decisions accordingly… And he may have felt all that.

I’ve said this before and I will continue to stick by this. A lot of relationships aren’t falling apart because the lack of love. It’s the perception (of lack) of love that does it for us. When love languages aren’t matching up and love tanks aren’t being filled… that’s what is killing our marriages and relationships. But if people are not willing to try other ways to show love then they essentially give up. If handing her a rose doesn’t say I love you in her eyes, then try washing her dishes… try watching a movie with her… or cuddling with her… I’m betting at some point you’ll get it right. And same goes for her. If he doesn’t care much for random gifts, or small acts of service try touching him! We are a needy type of people. We are relational beings. We need to feel!

Any way… climbing off my soapbox. I’m sad today. But I’m eternally hopefull even if I’m feeling less lucky about my prospects of finding something more forever.

Monday, bleh.

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