missing panman

Panman was becoming one of my closest friends. I value him. I respect him. I enjoy him.

When I didn’t break up with A he stopped speaking to me. He didn’t even listen to my reasoning. He didn’t let me talk it out with him. I needed him to be open.

I miss him. It’s not fair. I want him back. Why can’t I have my friend back. He has his person. And I have mine. Why can’t that be okay?

I feel like there is a weird double standard somewhere in all this. He wanted me to join him in his open relationship but he isn’t willing to be third party to mine? Okay, no I don’t want that, I just meant… Why does it have to be in that capacity for him to accept me as a person and friend?

I wish he would hear me out. I haven’t talked to him in 3 days. And it feels like forever.

And I know I say “friendship” and I know I wish that is where we could leave it. But at the same time I just want to crawl in his lap and have him hold me and call me his baby girl. Tell me I’m perfect and beautiful and stroke my hair.

Where does that even come from? Why is that desire there? I want to be with A. And I don’t need a romantic relationship with panman…. but I want him to shelter me all the same.

I guess I have some double standard-ing going on too. Just… don’t know how to reconcile it all.

I miss him.

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One Response to “missing panman”

  1. mitch | Lot of ramblings from little ole me Says:

    […] just lost panman, so I’m happy to have this guy back… I just wish it wasn’t so easy for people to […]

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