panman & mommy

Panman and Mommy made their relationship official last weekend. They have also declared it an open relationship. Not many rules except to stay honest about everything.

He has asked me to join them. But he’s giving me very different tunes depending on what argument he is making. He says… I’ll have a relationship with him. And he’ll have a relationship with mommy.

First off… I struggled with an open relationship before. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t just live and let live about it. My heart and mind conflicted constantly. It was literally giving me nightmares.

I really liked mommy the first time we met. An instant fondness. But I have to be honest, she hit her peak with me that night. Ever since she’s been constantly slipping in my mind. I don’t like how promiscuous she is. I don’t like how flippant she is with panman. I don’t like that look of discontentment I see in her eyes. And I know that my dislike stems from a place of wanting to protect panman. Maybe even a bit of jealously. I’m not above admitting that. I think a lot of the worry in my mind was about giving panman an STD, and in my mind that would possibly effect me! I mean, if I broke up with A and if I decided to give this open relationship a shot.

I realize, this line of thought or this “relationship” isn’t my finest moment. I didn’t want to cheat on A, but if I was discontented with A and I felt some jealousy and territorial over panman… then… its worth thinking about how mommy could directly effect my life.

But I did consider that panman could be right. It may just be me and him. and him and her would be completely separate and I’d never have to deal with her. And I kind of believe him when he says that he can give all we need… without feeling neglected ever. I don’t know how this is possible but I believed him.

Then one day last week while I was going back and forth with him about me and A and the impending breakup… he tells me that him and mommy need me. This statement hit me weird. I don’t want to be with mommy. I didn’t even want to be someone she could depend upon. What does that say about my feelings for panman? Shouldn’t I be inspired to love who he loves? to value who he values? to uplift who he deems worthy?

It hit me so hard considering that her well being had anything to do with me. It scared the shit out of me. And appropriately so. It reality checked me.

I already know I can’t do this open thing. I already lived part of this. I was getting caught up in being wanted by someone.

Having feelings for the situation and not the person. Longing to be desired. Longing to be appreciated.

I’m telling you tho, after this weekend all the appropriate bubbles were popped. My reality came shining through. Thank goodness I caught hold of that before I jumped into an even messier situation than I could deal with. If I was having nightmares before… Then this could certainly turned into a living nightmare.

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4 Responses to “panman & mommy”

  1. missing panman | Lot of ramblings from little ole me Says:

    […] This is how I deal « panman & mommy […]

  2. singlemilitarymom Says:

    Yeah you would have been living your nightmares for sure. I’m glad you woke up. We all need a reality check.

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