Archive for March, 2016

binge/detox

March 28, 2016

I binged yesterday.

I can say this a hell of a lot more than I say this.

Had my first hiccup with mitch. It spun me out a little bit.

I feel awful today. Me and mitch worked it out fine. He has some jealousy baggage from past relationships that he tried to drop on my doorstep. I shut that down. And quick. We will be stronger than that. Done.

But I still needed ice cream. So I made that happen. Also, dinner was a fiasco. At least I did it with the food that was in the fridge already.

Usually I don’t stop til everything is gone. Which is not good on a day where I just did meal prep for the week. Could’ve wasted all my efforts.

At least this binge didn’t clean me out this time or effect my pocket book more than the cost of the ice cream… as in… I didn’t splurge on $30 – $50 on food delivery like I normally do when the urge hits.

My stomach hates me today. I’m exhausted too. Coincidence? Not a chance. Of course I already got my compensatory workout in at 6am this morning.

And again, we are at a detox Monday. Is this going to be my whole life?

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“horny”

March 23, 2016

You know how we humans are with certain words. We all have that small handful of words that just turn us off instantly… Like, moist or penetrate. Well, one of those words to me use to be horny. I don’t know why. I hated it. I felt like it was a gross, animal word. I liked phrases like “turned on” or “excited” or “getting me going”… I don’t know when the transition happened. Now, it’s not a problem at all. No hitch or hiccup with that word.

And it describes me perfectly right now. THats the worst. Being horny at work. I mean.. it’s way way way not acceptable to go fix that on the clock. QUick trip to the bathroom. Do people do that? Seriously? I mean, I can understand it. Today makes me understand it. But…. I can’t quite justify going that far. LOL!

I’m sexting mitch right now. I can justify that on the clock! He’s off on spring break with his brother. And it’s driving me nuts. This man. I think he is just so incredibly sexy. That beard. I. Cant. Even.

I’ve never been one to do a lot of naughty pics. I have, but usually it’s always prompted by a request. And I normally don’t have the self esteem it takes. But how mitch makes me feel along with crossfit toning me up some, it’s a recipe for some down right insanely hott messaging.

I need to get a hold of myself!

Or do I?

too soon?

March 21, 2016

I’m having entirely too much fun with mitch. It’s hard to even care that it is waaaay soon to be jumping into something else with someone!

I spoke to my mom about it. “You didn’t waste any time! Good for you!” This was NOT the reaction I was expecting! I expected more of what my co-worker said. “Watch out… make sure he isn’t a rebound.”

But… so what if he is! I mean… I don’t feel like its a rebound thing. I mean, yeah, they say it’s healthy to spend time with yourself for awhile but lets re-cap.

I dated A for less than 6 months. I saw him at most once a week. And there was a full month in there that I didn’t even see him. I was already alone with myself! What am I suppose to be figuring out about myself? I didn’t lose myself to anyone or anything.

I barely changed my schedule for this guy. I never stopped hanging with all my friends throughout the week. I did what I wanted when I wanted to.

Yes, I fell hard and fast at the beginning. And I clung to that potential first couple of months for slightly longer than I should have. But remember? I’m the girl who doesn’t make decisions til I know they are the right ones. Till I know I won’t regret anything but waiting so long.

Anyway, all I mean is… who fucking cares that it’s so soon! I’m jumping in! And I’m excited about it!

hallway timing

March 21, 2016

The hallways at work are breeding grounds for awkward exchanges. There’s this hallway timing… If you miss it, it’s just flat out uncomfortable. People asking how you are as they walk passed. Not stopping for an answer.

There’s a hallway grin that doesn’t rear its ugly head except for the hallways.

To make eye contact or not to make eye contact.

How far away is the most ideal for “hey how are you today?” “fine tha…” already passed you.

Then there’s the cute guy that you’ve never seen before. Do you say hey really enthusiastically or do you look down or straight ahead? How are you coming across? You can’t mumble anything because there is no time to say huh and correct yourself. So the quit wit is put away in fear of misunderstanding. I always mumble or speak too softly to trust myself in these moments.

Seems like the only people who have it down are the old grandpa guys that say “how are you, young lady?!” “Great! Thank you. And ho…” Gone. moment over. Maybe one day I’ll have the old man hallway timing. This may take a life time to figure out.

niece and nephew weekend!

March 21, 2016

I had a great weekend with my sister and her kids. They came to stay with me for a few days.

My niece and nephew are pretty fun to be around… I mean, they do get stuck in their technology, but when they pull their heads out and hit the pause button they are pretty cool!

My nephew is such a smart kid. He’s very intellectual. He enjoys reading and learning. He holds pretty darn good conversations. I know he is 10 and he is suppose to, but I’m always surprised at how easily we can talk. He is a pretty quiet guy tho. Very internal. I can tell he wades through a hefty amount of anxiety. Reminds me of me.

My 3 year old niece is just a shark. She’s sharp and independent. She will NOT do what she doesn’t want. But she still has that little kid side with the cute squeaky voice and petite frame and oodles of excitement. She’s absolutely beautiful.

Me and my sister have so much fun together. I love the way our personalities flow together. We laugh at nothing and everything. I wish we lived closer together. I mean at 5 and half hours away, I guess we finally ARE closer! But we humans aren’t ever satisfied, are we?

She is 28 weeks pregnant. She got to talking about this next one. How she can’t wait to know what his/her personality will be like. What a fun thing to think about. This new life being its own being. Having it’s own set of genetic rules. I can’t wait either!

While I absolutely loved the weekend with them… I’m pretty sure those little guys got me sick! I’ve got that sore throat, swollen tongue, super tired feeling going on today. This happens nearly every time! Totally worth it. I mean, there’s a chance it’s just allergies… the weather in Arkansas is friggin ridiculous right now… but… my nephew was pretty sniffly…

second first kiss

March 20, 2016

Talking in a booth over a meal. Side by side. Such a normal moment. There was this look that was developing in his eyes. I recognized this look and knew my eyes were making the same transformation. Sending a welcoming vibe. Creating a magnetic forcefield.

Then…

He leaned in.

I’ve never experienced one moment that left the world completely still yet spinning me dizzy.

World altering.

I’m pretty sure when we broke contact I said “wow”. I think. I wasn’t quite back to Earth just yet. It took a few blinks.

Whatever this means for us, I know that I won’t soon forget that moment.

What’s crazy is this wasn’t our first first kiss. But our first first kiss wasn’t ANYTHING close to that. What a difference half a year can make. Where did that come from?? I’m BLOWN AWAY!

he’s got a girlfriend??

March 18, 2016

So, its no secret that I still communicate with my ex husband. I went through several phases with this. As expected I think. You know, the wish he didn’t exist phase. The wish my family didn’t know he exists phase. Then it morphed at some point. I can talk to him easily. I can seek his advice. I know he will always be someone I can lean on if I need it. He really is a great guy.

With that said, as someone that talks to her ex regularly I felt he needed to know that I was dating someone. So back in October or November, whenever me and A made it official, I slipped it into one of our conversations. Out of respect. If he is going to consider me a friend, if we are doing this friend thing, then that is a tid bit you would tell a friend. I didn’t want to lie, not even by omission. Nothing malicious about it. I was just informing him. Respect, right?

A few months back, I had to get his help with something on my taxes. Okay, so I didn’t HAVE to… but he was my tax guy before. He was my everything guy before. It’s a rough transition to have an everything guy to having no guy, then to having a long distance guy that is terrible at adulting guy. Anyway… He helped me do my taxes. It was the first time on my own. It was nice to have him walk me through it. It was good of him to help. He brought beer and sushi… It was a fun time.

I asked him then if he was dating any one. Just part of a conversation. I really want to know these things. Lots of reasons behind it. Some reasons are completely legit. I care about him as a person and his happiness and well being. But some are less legit like – should I be worried about a girl beating me up for asking for his help while we drink beer and hang out for the evening. Or even less legit reasons and thought processes. Like… how jealous should I be? Is she skinnier than me? Will his family like her more? And can I take her?

Anyway, for all the reasons I asked him. He said “No.” Satiates my curiousity, right?

Fast forward to last Monday night. Went out for drinks with friends/co-workers. They wanted to make sure I was okay after this break up. Through the night I find out that the chick I see my ex husband in the halls with (yes, I still work in the same building as him – hey, I didn’t say this was healthy) is his girlfriend. COME AGAIN? His GIRLFRIEND? He’s got a whah?

I do understand why he wouldn’t want to tell me. And I get that it’s not the most comfortable conversation to have with your ex. And maybe I am grateful for being blissfully unaware that there’s a woman at work (she’s totally just a girl tho) whose eyes are on me with all its reigning judgment. (Maybe that’s too dramatic.) Truth be told I do see them together, but I couldn’t have picked her out of a line up. Not until now! I got them to show me her face. And I started picking her apart and verbally ripping her to shreds!

PAUSE! This isn’t me. Why do I care that she walks funny, that her teeth are weird, and her hair is as thin as mine? Who the fuck cares?! Why do I get pleasure from someone telling me I’m prettier than her? I know this reaction is all too normal. But why? I don’t want to be the person to take pleasure in these things. But I do! It made my heart smile to hear that she has a dud of a personality. I don’t know her. I have never even shared a superficial, small-talk greeting with her. I have no basis in reality for judging her so much. I’m ashamed that I feel this way. But I do. So I guess this is me. I’m normal. I’m human. I can try to fight it. That will help a bit. But… I’ve already shown my true colors. It’s already out. I’m… THAT girl.

I have some growing to do as an individual and as a woman. I guess it’s good to see this in such a controlled environment… Not that I thought I was done with myself. A complete and perfect indivdiual. Not by far. But… Yeah, I’ve got work to do.

a clean break

March 17, 2016

I haven’t heard from A since the break up phone call last Sunday. Nothing. The phone call went smoothly. A break up phone call should never be labeled “smooth”, right? He didn’t argue. He apologized and let me go.

It’s hard for me not to think that maybe he wanted me to do it. But I don’t want to give you the wrong idea. I’m not sitting over here overthinking my decision. In fact, the very fact that I haven’t heard from him only solidifies my decision even more.

I’m not sad. I don’t miss him. I guess my heart knew it was coming. My head is running the show and I’m not experiencing any hiccup. Monday I was a little blue. But by Tuesday I was… normal.

In fact, I’m quite centered this week. I’ve had a few really good workouts. My eating has been quite under control. No binges. No mind consuming, urgent cravings that I have to satiate.

The weather has been amazing this week. I can’t wait to get my road bike out and hit the trail tomorrow! I think mitch is coming. 🙂

I feel good about me. All week I’ve quite enjoy what I look at in the mirror. It’s a weird consistent loving of myself that I haven’t experienced often in my lifetime. 4 days of positive self thought?! Unimaginable!

My workouts have been GREAT! I am back in the full swing of crossfit after being disengaged from it for a full year. I love lifting heavy weights and feeling confident with the barbell. I workout with a lot of newbies and while I’m not where I was when I quit, I’m still ahead of them. But only in confidence. I mean, do I have more on the bar than them? Yes. But it isn’t their strength in the way. They’ll get there! I got there. I really really enjoy coaching them in the gym. I know I’m not certified or whatever, but I can offer tiny ques that help A LOT. It’s awesome seeing that light bulb go off for some! I love that!

You know what’s funny? I’m not over thinking the fact that he hasn’t reached out. I’m over thinking the fact that I’m so dang happy this week! How long was I needing to end this?! When was when? I didn’t see it I guess. I know that I almost did it several weeks back, but I wonder when it stopped being fun and started hurting my confidence. I truly didn’t feel like he wanted me nor did he offer up any evidence that I was priority in his life. Gosh, that is awful! Even tho it would’ve been nice to feel fought for I like what a clean break perspective can offer.

not feeling loved

March 14, 2016

It hurts not being a priority in the lives of people you prioritize highly on your list.

It’s not enough for someone to say things like “I love you”, “I want you”, “You are important to me”. Talk is cheap. If those same words aren’t penetrating my feels, it’s meaningless.

Is this my problem? Yes, yes it is. It certainly is if no one else cares enough to figure out what it would take for me to feel what they say they feel.

I can’t help but wonder if it’s my fault that I didn’t feel it. But there are certain actions that could’ve helped. Am I spoiled? Am I expecting too much? No, I just can’t believe that. If I don’t feel loved, then that’s all there is to it.

I broke up with Andy this weekend. After going to see him two weekends in a row, and him not leaving his town to see me til after 6pm on saturday. I’m not okay with that. Why am I not worth a little bit of urgency? We ONLY get the weekends. And sure, one weekend doesn’t make me less, but one weekend on top of other choices he’s made about his time and money…? He can say he loves me and even add an extra squeeze to a hug and say “so much” with it and still never make decisions accordingly… And he may have felt all that.

I’ve said this before and I will continue to stick by this. A lot of relationships aren’t falling apart because the lack of love. It’s the perception (of lack) of love that does it for us. When love languages aren’t matching up and love tanks aren’t being filled… that’s what is killing our marriages and relationships. But if people are not willing to try other ways to show love then they essentially give up. If handing her a rose doesn’t say I love you in her eyes, then try washing her dishes… try watching a movie with her… or cuddling with her… I’m betting at some point you’ll get it right. And same goes for her. If he doesn’t care much for random gifts, or small acts of service try touching him! We are a needy type of people. We are relational beings. We need to feel!

Any way… climbing off my soapbox. I’m sad today. But I’m eternally hopefull even if I’m feeling less lucky about my prospects of finding something more forever.

Monday, bleh.

another mitch post

March 9, 2016

So… Last night was awesome. We had a great time. Taco Tuesdays with $4 tequila shots and $3 Coronas. We didn’t go overboard tho. Not even a smidge of hangover this morning. We just got relaxed and giggly together. Watched his friend play guitar on stage. One of my favorite combinations on the planet. Friends. Drinks. Live acoustic music.

Did I mention that I love his energy? He is just charged with something. I love having that around.

We talked about his disappearing act. He was not happy with how he did that. He told me that he did that with everyone. I believe him.

Sounds like that last girl was a huge rollercoaster of crazy. Glad he got out. Glad to have my friend back!