here’s to hoping

Last week did not go well for me and the bf. We fought. It was frustrating to say the least. I was feeling all under appreciated and completely forgotten. I don’t want to be just a thing you do because nothing else is going on.

I had soul searched all week. Gone this way and that. So many things on my mind about us. Heartbreaking things. The hardest part is wondering where all the good feels went. I didn’t get it. Could it be so quickly spent?

Friday I left town knowing this would be the weekend I ended it. I didn’t know what I was going to say, but I knew I was through. I packed up my dog and we left town.

Friday was also moving day for him. He took the day off from work, got the keys to his new place and started moving. He doesn’t have a lot. A one bedroom bachelor apartment takes 3 hours tops with a pair of extra hands and a trailer.

So by the time I’m half way their he has all the furniture and most everything else besides a few arm fulls of stuff moved out. He calls me and tells me that he didn’t make it to the water company in time. We won’t have water for the weekend.

What. Should I turn around?

I don’t say what I think because I’m pretty pissed and I don’t like saying words I’ll want back later. He’s had this date on his calendar for a full month. He had a month to figure all this out and get everything prepared. Not to mention all day.

I continue to drive. And fume. And I call my mom to bitch about it. I’m thinking… this is just fueling my fire. I needed the push. I’m going to get out of the car, dump him, get back in the car and stay in my apartment with flushing toilets.

Thirty minutes later I’m practically there when he calls back. I didn’t make it to the electric company in time. We won’t have electricity.

I continue to hold my tongue. He rambles talking about maybe we can camp out. Maybe we can stay with so and so or so and so. He is apologizing like crazy. I can tell, he hates himself right now. I’m deep breathing. In. Out. In. Out. This is just another straw as if I needed one!

I get there. He is so apologetic the entire time. He got his old apartment to let us stay there for the weekend. So we have electricity and water but we don’t have furniture. We end up making a palette for the weekend.

I have discovered I’m too old for sleeping on the floor. If you would’ve told me it was only going to take me one day to recover from it I would’ve thought you were crazy.

Despite such a terrible factor and bad start… He was a completely different person this weekend. No. He was his old self this weekend! I don’t know if he sensed the end in sight and he clung to everything he could to make it better. I don’t know if he felt so fucking bad that he catered to my every need and whim. I do know that he thought a lot about our conversation the week before. Everything I was down about him turned around. I was so down about not feeling anything from him, but he made me feel it this weekend. I felt loved. He was present. He was attentive.

Friday night was so much fun. His new neighbor gave him cake. We got a six pack of beer. We played cards, drank, and ate cake. It was actually fun. Sleeping on the floor was a bit difficult, but the quality time was indeed very high quality.

I went into the weekend knowing I was dumping him to not wanting to by the end. And I miss him for the first time in weeks. I don’t know what distracted him, but whatever it was is gone. I hope it lasts.

We shall see. I know that it could be short lived… he is thinking about it and working on it… I know if something doesn’t come naturally it gets too hard to hold up. I hope that isn’t the case. I was missing us in a terrible way. I felt like it was too early on in the relationship to have these kind of doubts. Here’s to hoping.

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2 Responses to “here’s to hoping”

  1. Lot of ramblings from little ole me Says:

    […] “relationship” isn’t my finest moment. I didn’t want to cheat on A, but if I was discontented with A and I felt some jealousy and territorial over panman… then… its worth thinking about […]

  2. missing panman | Lot of ramblings from little ole me Says:

    […] When I didn’t break up with A he stopped speaking to me. He didn’t even listen to my reasoning. He didn’t let me talk it out with him. I needed him to be open. […]

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