his b-day wish and my pedestal

Panman has expressed a birthday wish to me. A plea really….

He wants to paint my canvas. He wants to bruise me. He wants to use his new toys on me.

Me.

Aside from wishing someone would beat me and leave me so bad off I’m marked for a week, I would love to give him what he wants for his birthday. He’s so sweet to me. He treats me like a princess. And I don’t know that I’ve known this treatment from anyone else at quite the level he offers it.

It comes from somewhere extremely deep. From his DNA. He does it effortlessly. It’s like, the things he does for me aren’t sacrifices. Usually when you treat people well, or if you are trying to make someone else happy you pull that from a place of sacrifice. You decide the sacrifice is worth it. But… it’s not a sacrifice for him. It’s not costing him anything. I don’t know how to explain it except that he truly makes me believe his only aim is to make me happy. And my happiness equals his happiness. Period. End of story. No strings.

I’ve had guys say this. “If you’re happy, I’m happy.” I’ve had parents say this. But always always they have proved otherwise or they have shown sacrifice. And there is NOTHING wrong with making sacrifices for other’s happiness. It’s a trait that good people possess. We do this at least a few times daily without even realizing it. And I’ve had guys willing to sacrifice a SHIT TON to make me happy. But my point is… there’s no sacrifice from panman.

I’m not forgetting about Andy here. I’m not. I’m not jumping in bed with panman. I’m not ending things with Andy. Andy is still very much in the picture. I’d have to ask Andy about letting panman scene me. I’m not sure I’m ready for that conversation yet. I have a few months to figure that one out tho.

I just needed to say it. I feel like I’m using panman just being around him. But I never ask for anything. And in his opinion I shouldn’t have to ask. I want to pull myself off the pedestal in his brain where I sit. I’m too clumsy to be sitting that high.

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