Archive for January, 2016

for the next few days…

January 29, 2016

It’s Friday! Woot!

I am going to work on relaxation this weekend.

Of course not without being super productive too. Feeling productive is my happy place. But I seriously need to get a handle on my anxiety so I think I’ll try….

An extra cardio sesh – sweat therapy!

Bubble bath – cuz… bubbles.

A living room blanket and bar stool fort with an essential oil diffuser with lavender – a friend told me to try it AND she is letting me barrow it so why not. and the blanket tent? cuz… idk.. but I’ll make it an adult fort because I’m also going to be doing my taxes. Life is all about balance, right?

Yoga – meditative yoga. Because that just sounds right.

lots of water

no binge eating

movies movies movies! probably in the blanket fort.

nothing to see here

January 28, 2016

This is far and above not an interesting topic to read upon. just move along. It’s boring. A long fucking rant that only has to do with me, myself, and I. Seriously, stop.

Okay, fine. But I warned you.

About a year ago I started taking a medication for my migraines. At the time I thought it was the best thing since sliced bread. It worked damn near 100%. My prayers were answered. There were a few side effects… but they seemed to subside a few weeks in.

Fast forward 6 months and I already had to up my dose due to my tolerance build up. This was a fast red flag. My doctor doubled the dose. DOUBLED? I thought… this could be a terrible trend. But he’s the doctor… I went with it. And every day I’m breathing I will always prefer not to have a migraine.

Fast forward 6 more months and my anxiety is through the roof. I can’t sleep. Still no migraines (thank god. knock on wood.) but my blood pressure shot up! And now I’m worried about my heart stopping… which in case you couldn’t guess just makes the anxiety and blood pressure worse.

The worst symptom is this insomnia. This increases my appetite and in doing so, my weight. Which makes me resent myself which increases my anxiety and blood pressure even more! all kinds of vicious cycles developing here.

So I get on the ole interwebs and research how the fuck I’m going to wean myself. Turns out that all the symptoms I am experiencing are symptoms of withdrawal. WHAT.


Which means, my body needs an increased dose just for me to be sane! I’m withdrawing and I haven’t even stopped yet!

Then I read that it could take up to 6 months to have all the withdrawals hammered out.

What have I done to myself?!

who’s your mommy

January 27, 2016

So I met one of PanMan’s play partners last night. I had on my calendar to hang out with him. On the way he informed me that he had a friend over… “okay….” that’s cool I guess. I walk in and she’s standing in the kitchen. She’s slightly older. But hardly older than me to even mention.

But it IS worth mentioning. She wasn’t old but she was old. Let me try to rephrase this.

I walked in and immediately felt unconditionally valued by this woman. It was the way she hugged me. It was the way she let her body brush against mine. It was the way she let me rest my knee on her thigh. It was the way she treated me. She pet me. She let my little come out. She was only older in the fact that *I* drew out her mommy side. And in turn I became her kitten. And it felt right. It was instantaneous.

We all three chatted together. Listened to music that I don’t normally expose myself to. We talked about the community. The play parties I miss in my vanilla world. The weather. Her child. Her childhood. Mine. The way PanMan looks at me. The way I let him.

She ran her fingers through my hair and I leaned into it. It was a unique touch. It wasn’t one of lust or anything like that. But it wasn’t not sexual. But it wasn’t sexual. Was it? I don’t want her in that way. But I don’t distrust the thought of it. It’s a unique dynamic that I can only ramble about at the moment.

One of the amazing things about the bdsm community is how easy it is to let different sides of yourself shine through. I find myself as a little, a kitten, a sub, a brat, and a princess just depending on who I am talking to. I love it. And it puts me more in touch with those different sides of myself. I like recognizing who brings out what – whether they are in the community or have certain fetishes or not… And it’s hardly ever sexual. Just one of those things that lets you know yourself just a little bit better. It’s empowering.

wedding weekend

January 25, 2016

I did it. I wore that darn dress for my friend’s wedding and had a friggin blast last weekend!

My travel arrangements must’ve been pieced together in heaven. I somehow never once had a flight cancelled despite snow-mageddon that covered so much of the US from Arkansas to Virginia. And effected flights EVERYWHERE. So many people couldn’t make it to the wedding. That part was sad. And the part where the wedding planner was putting stress on the bride (so of course it effected all of us in the wedding party) on moving the location of the wedding to the reception site. But, the bride stuck to her guns. She planned everything and wanted to keep it as such and it paid off!

The weather was gross for a majority of Friday and Saturday. Rain, snow, and everything in between. But it worked out well for outside pictures… or at least that is the only evidence you’ll see. The pictures turning out gorgeously. But it certainly wasn’t pleasant being in my off the shoulder, centimeter too long and brushing the wet ground dress.

I know, it sounds like a bunch of complaining… and I really don’t feel like it was awful. We all got through it. We celebrated. We partied. We took 100% advantage of the open bar at all the events. The reception was perfect. No expense spaired by far. I happened to have the only single groomsman, not that it mattered, but who doesn’t love the flirting??

Also, did I mention I traveled with a friend who toted a two month old along? I had a great time playing husband to her and helping with the baby. She was a good baby. I couldn’t believe how much trouble she wasn’t. Don’t get me wrong, an infant isn’t exactly convenient by any means. I can’t imagine people traveling with kids that are uncooperative. I mean, I’m exhausted and I wasn’t the mommy that had to breastfeed or hold her for the majority of the time nor was she a bad baby. IT WAS EXHAUSTING WITH A GOOD CHILD! I can’t imagine. No wonder why we never went on any vacations as kids. There were 5 of us! Kudos to all you out there dealing with that gracefully… or even less gracefully. My sister travels with her kids all the time without any help and she does it like a rock star. How? I can give you her number… but I don’t think she could even tell you.

Anyway, I am so glad I went. I don’t think I could possibly imagine my friend married if I hadn’t witnessed the vows myself. I don’t mean that like I can’t believe someone is marrying her. I mean that in a I can’t believe there is a man out there that she deemed worthy of even letting her answer the proposal kind of way! She truly is a great friend and person… despite her bridesmaid dress choice.

I’m happy to have been apart of all of it, and even happier to be back home! I’m exhausted!

2016: take two

January 15, 2016

I’ve been holding back in my writings lately. Recently my anonymity was broken. The things I have written about haven’t been censored, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t cherry picking the easier topics from my life line up. I hate that being known effects this blog at all. And I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately.

In my writings, I am vulnerable. This blog is me stripped naked for the world and the only way I’m strong enough for that, the only way I’m not terrified about that, is because no one knows who I am. No one knew. I think we are all better at opening up to strangers than to our family members and friends. That’s the point of anonymous blogs. We get to do this living out loud thing and no one can really judge us. Or at least not judge us in a way that can petrify us.

When I write I water down the emotions with humor, and I like doing that. It’s my voice. It’s how I deal with things. But no matter how goofy it all may seem, I pour everything into these writings. Each one makes up my inner most self. If you took all my posts and fit them together that is who I am. Anyone reading these blogs would know me better than all the people I see on a daily basis. It’s a pretty clear picture I think.

Vulnerability isn’t a bad thing. It’s like being “too nice”, it was NEVER suppose to be a bad thing. But that is what society makes it. Society kind of forces it to be faults. If you are too nice people will use you and you’ll become a push over. If you are too vulnerable then all those insecurities and faults will be exploited. But those negative characteristics are what makes us better humans. Better friends. Better listeners. Better helpers. It is in those negative moments that we are made stronger because knowing who we are, knowing our weak links, prepares us for life.

I’m not sure why, but my last few weeks have been hard. I can’t seem to get into the swing of 2016. I’ve been backsliding in all the strides I made in 2015.

I’m no stranger to backsliding, and after reading some of my fellow bloggers’ blogs lately, I’m not alone. We’ve all had a hard go of it lately. Whether it be overcoming food, fears, bad habits, relationships, over exercise, self doubt, or sadness. Everyone has the same words right now. We failed. But we won’t quit.

Hope is one of those weird, counter intuitive human things. Even without proof we hope. Hope and faith, we cling to them, but the very definition makes it irrational to do so. To hope or have faith means its something you put stock into despite all other previous outcomes. We still expect that one day our perfect outcome will happen. Our time will come. We’ll finally get it right. Thank goodness for hope and faith, right? Because the only proof is we haven’t over come our demons yet.

I say we all get up, dust ourselves off, and start this year over. Who’s with me?

just friends

January 12, 2016

Friends…. Just friends….

Hold tight while I try to justify my friendship with PanMan

I know what you’re thinking… if that is something I am tring to justify then there might already be an issue. The fact that I need it (over) qualified… or maybe I’m protesting too much??? Let me humor myself, k?

a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.

Hm… that has the word sexual in it. Let’s skip over real quick.

synonyms: companion, soul mate, intimate, confidante, confidant, familiar, alter ego, second self, playmate

…this is NOT helping!

a member of the Religious Society of Friends; a Quaker.

What? um… lets check the verb form.

add (someone) to a list of contacts associated with a social networking website.

THERE! See… we are JUST friends. 🙂

Okay okay okay… Let’s do “FRIENDSHIP”.

the emotions or conduct of friends; the state of being friends.
synonyms: relationship, close relationship, attachment, mutual attachment, association, bond, tie, link, union; informalbromance.

haha Who is in charge of this? I’ll try this again later.

empty bed and spoiled humans

January 11, 2016

Me and A have spent almost every weekend together since we got started a little over three weeks ago. It’s the new norm. I get two nights with him. Five without.

I only spend two nights with him versus the five without. So why then when Sunday night rolls around once again is it so foreign to not have him in the bed next to me? It seems much more silent in my apartment than before he was there to begin with. How does that work?

I’ve always said that humans are really easy to spoil. I mean, we can have one good day and wonder why the next day we didn’t get what was owed to us… of course in reality it wasn’t owed to us even when the good day was happening. So I guess it’s just the case with Me and A. I’m spoiled in the two nights we spend together. And feel it unfair that I have to spend 5 without him.

On a happy note he started a new job today! It offers a small salary bump and AND AND AND!!!!! He won’t have to work nights.

Hallelujah! PRAISE THE LORD. And all other deities that deserve it!

His energy levels have been tanked while he’s been on nights. It’s both a blessing and a curse that I’m a lot to keep up with… But only a blessing if you have the energy for it  🙂 🙂 🙂 <— at least one of smilies should have horns on them.

things i dislike…

January 8, 2016
  • When compliments are fished for. I don’t like stroking egos for the sake of an ego being stroked. I like to give compliments where they are needed and when they are evoked from me implicitly. I want to be inspired so strongly that it pops out! Or to lift someone’s spirit with one. But if I, for one second, think that this compliment is only going to inflate an already inflated head, I won’t do it. I will keep it. Even if its a noteworthy and an earned compliment. I keep it.
  • Carrying a clip board… there is no way to not look like a douche bag carrying one of those. It’s like mustaches… there’s no way to make it look good. I don’t care who you are (I’m talkin to you Tom Sellek, just because I wouldn’t recognize you without it doesn’t mean its doing anything to improve your look). A clip board says you think you are important. A clipboard says I’m about to boss you around. It says I’ve gotta boss so many people around that I can’t even memorize the list so see? I carry it on me.
  • Dreams about being pregnant… Or deciding on pregnancy… I wake up sad. And its probably not even literally about having a baby. It’s something less intuitive or whatever, right? Whatever.
  • Being unmotivated. Just get up and go, gah! I’m a type A person. So, my happy place is crossing off a check list and getting shit done. That alone gives me sooooo many feel goods… So being unmotivated makes me have the same amount of feels, but they are bad feels. I hate feeling the bad feels. Get up and go!
  • When money and/or distance is a pain point. Money and distance just shouldn’t be a factor in decisions or matters of the heart.
  • Not being able to say certain things because I don’t want to hurt feelings. This runs my verbal life. I put words on a pedal-stool because I can’t take them back. They are the most permanent thing on this planet. So usually if I’m in doubt, I keep them to myself, but… It’s not always healthy.
  • When someone says I’m “too nice”. Bitch please! This is a choice! I EFFING WANT TO BE NICE! BACK OFF! Just because I make you feel bad because you make all your decisions based on only your own wants and desires doesn’t mean you need to pull me into your selfish game.
  • When a friend chooses an ugly bridesmaid’s dress. A lot of us make fun of this. We joke about a bride being the best looking in the wedding party, and going as far as sabotaging the whole bridesmaid’s look. THIS IS REAL! I am in a wedding in a few weeks. My friend, the bride, is one of these woman. She has insecurities that run so deep she doesn’t even know about them. But they manifest themselves in ways like picking a bridesmaid’s dress that puffs out hips in a round marshmallow way instead of a curvy sexy way. I hate to think these decisions weren’t made subconsciously but I know her… and she thought about it. This is the same chick that made me turn around to go get my wedding ring that I accidentally left on the sink before going on a night on the town (when I was married and she wasn’t engaged). I said, “Oh shoot, I forgot my ring.” We are a mile from my house, not far, but super inconvenient. “You HAVE to turn around. Nu uh, you can’t go downtown without that.” She didn’t want me to even slightly appear available next to her. Maybe I should be flattered by this one, but I just find it odd and manipulating. True story. Anyway, back to the dress. I have a philosophy that I live by. I have gone against this time and time again, and each time I go against it I hate myself ALL day long. Philosophy: Never leave the house until you feel cute in what you are wearing. This really effects my self esteem. Its not worth saving time on settling for an outfit. I need to think I look cute. I don’t care who else thinks it. *I* need to think this. But in this dress I feel huge and frumpy. I’ll be the one at the wedding curled up (possibly under a table) with a stolen bottle of champagne. No, not the girl with the glass… the one next to her chugging from the bottle. (Wow, I really ranted about that one. Moving right along.)
  • When what-ifs take up even the most minuscule moment of my cognitive space. What-ifs take everything good out of the present. They are simply torture. I think If I was ever being questioned by the CIA you’d just have to put me in a room with all my what-ifs. It won’t be long that I’ll say anything and beg to be out of that room. I love now. And what-ifs just try to make me question everything, even all the things going right.
  • When people don’t yield when entering round-abouts. There’s one right outside of my apartment complex. Laying on my horn didn’t become a natural reflex till I started having to do this round-about multiple times a day. I honk like a New Yorker now. (Is that a thing?)
  • Being on-call on the weekends. Does this need any more explaining?? That’s me this weekend, btw.

Most of these bullet points merit a full blog post. But for the sake of positivity I’m going to get all the negative stuff down and out of the way. And because they are in my brain NOW and need OUT!

Happy Friday all!