outsider

Andy: “We’ve been invited to an ugly sweater party. I went to Goodwill after work today and picked up 2 for us, just in case you don’t have one. I can’t wait to have you hang out with my friends this weekend.”

me: “Okay! sounds good. Yeah, I don’t have one. Thanks, babe.”

And BAM my outfit was made. Skinny jeans, black boots, and a sweater I’ve never seen before. Perfect.

I thought it was so sweet that he thought about me when he was deciding his outfit. And I LOVE that he is the kind of guy to not be too cool to be festive. I mean, he went all out for halloween! Makes me smile. And anytime someone can take the pressure off of picking out an outfit to wear I will take it!

So we get to his best friend’s house…

The house is beautiful. Every nook and cranny looks like it came straight out of pinterst. No… it looked like pinterest was created because of this house. I’m never gonna be good at decorating. My poor apartment looks like a bachelor pad with only a few exceptions. I am thoroughly intimidated.

The party consists of 3 married couples and me and Andy. All the boys were guys from my high school. And 1 of the girls was from my high school. The other two from the rival school that I’ve never met but small town rumors say they were the popular, every boy wants her and every girl wants to be her, girls.

The girls are all dressed up. I mean, duh, it’s a party. Why wouldn’t they be. It was an ugly sweater party, but nothing about their outfits said ugly. They were all cute and fabulous. Hair and make up and outfit. Wow. I wanted to get behind one of the 3 perfectly decorated christmas trees I could see from my vantage point in the entry way and just kind of shrivel up.

I was so down on myself from the moment I walked in. I was in high school all over again. Before I loved me. Before I knew me. I was so out of place and it was throwing me in a time warp.

At one point the girls disappeared and I’m in the kitchen with the all their husband’s and Andy. I think about how this is Andy’s group of friends and how if I’m going to be around for a while (at least this is a hope of mine) I better try a bit harder than I was. So I go find the girls. Smoking. Okay. “wanna smoke?” “Sure.” I can get into a little social, with drinks, kind of smoke break. As soon as I light my cigarette, and thank God I got it to light after the first try, they wrapped theirs up and took off to go try on the hostess’s new lipstick… Um, okay. So i’m outside by myself thinking do I just stomp this out and follow them? Finish it and follow them? Just stay here finish it then resume my position next to Andy’s side? I scold myself for not trying enough. I command myself: put the cig out and go find the girls. They put a lipstick on me that is more of a stain than a lipstick. And of course it looks terrible. It wasn’t in the lines. Don’t let a drunk girl that cares nothing about you put on a stained lipstick. So they all prance off once again. I’m looking at the lipstick and trying to fix the lines. I hate it. I go back to join the rest. We all decide to play drinking games. Cool. But all I can think about is how ridiculous I look with the reddest shade of stain on my lips. Gag. I disappear and try to scrub it off. This must be really expensive shit cuz it ain’t goin’ nowhere! I join the others with painful lips that look even worse because of all the stain I’ve just managed to move around my mouth area.

When I think about the whole thing I get upset with myself for getting so caught up in really really old insecurities I had. I don’t care to fit in with these kind of girls. I can invest in Andy’s friends without being like them. What was I thinking? Why was I being such a junior high girl about it?

I like me. I wish I would’ve stood my ground and kept my identity. I wish I was above regression. Not sure if it was the high school crowd, or just feeling like an outsider… but I did not like the me that was wishy washy.

An old lesson from an adult perspective. I don’t need to be someone else. I love who I am. It shouldn’t bother me that others might not. Definitely a good reality check for me. Hold true to me. No reason not to.

I’m shaking it off and putting that in my back pocket.

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