Archive for December, 2015

xmas w/ the fam

December 30, 2015

Christmas went way better than I expected it would. You know, when your expectations are way up here you are usually disappointed?

Well, my expectations took a nose dive after being so upset with my brother. Then my mom announced she was bringing her fiance. A few things to note: 1) the brother I was upset with hadn’t met him yet, him or his wife, 2) my dad was also coming to the event. He also hadn’t met this new guy. So this brings expectations even lower in anticipation of all the awkwardness. I am actually really happy he decided to brave this situation. This meeting is well overdue.

Then to lower it as much as it could possibly be lowered my dad gets all huffy and decides that if mom is bringing her significant other then so will he. Other note worthy facts: 1) his girlfriend is a narcotics addict that has been to prison recently and now lives with my father and 2) She is younger than me. BLEH!

No more fucks could possibly be given. So… me and A got in my car and headed that way. we made a pit stop for beer. A lot of beer. I’ve never known a better day for some day drinking. I even thought in honor of my dad’s GF that we should all start the whole day out with some pills… just, you know, whatever she had on her. (Bad joke, I know. No, I’m not weirded out at all by a younger-than-me, ex-con dating my father.)

We get there… and in true addict form, my dad’s GF bailed. So, there was one thing that could’ve gone worse. I watched as my mom introduced her fiance (my dad has no clue they are engaged… I don’t even think he knows they live together). Everyone was very… friendly.

Me and A were already 2 beers in upon arrival – pre lunch… we were doing great! We pretty much handed out the beer like breath mints to all my siblings… Can someone make popcorn??

Just kidding… there was never a show to be entertained by. I knew my family was too passive aggressive for that. What else can we smooth under that rug in the front room?? We made it through lunch and gift exchange. Mom and her fiance left. Soon after my dad left. Us kids went back to the liquor store and got round two. We sat on his patio (because in Arkansas it was in the 70s!) and watched the boys smoke cigars.

Me and A took our tipsy selves back to his place that evening. Feeling good and grateful that it didn’t get any worse. And before I knew it we were celebrating the Christmas end in a party for 2 🙂

merry christmas eve eve!

December 23, 2015

This season has taken a dramatic 180! Just going thru my post I see this roller coaster tho. What a girl! Talk about emotion whip lash!

I was so upset last week. Christmas plans were crumbling at the seems. I’ve never been so upset with a sibling…. well, that might not be true. Sibling hate burns more than any other burn I’ve experienced. But sibling love doesn’t have a whole lot of rivals either.

For the last few days I’ve been able to host my sister and her kids. It’s so much fun to get to spend time with them. Me and my sister can cut up and we are laughing and no older than 10. giggling at nothing and everything. Sometimes there aren’t even words and we break out in a laugh in unison.

This is what this time of year is all about. While I’m still pretty annoyed with my brother… I’m sure when we do our gift exchange Saturday it’ll be enjoyable. For all of 4 hours while I’m there anyway. I’m being a tad bit vindictive this year. Which normally is NOT like me at all. But I’m posting as many pics with my sister and niece and nephew and my mom so that when my brother and sister in law browse Facebook they get envious of all my family time. It’s pretty immature, but… so. :p <— just to clarify that’s a mean tongue stick out not a cute smiley tone stick out.

I had a gift exchange with my girlfriends on Monday night. Wow, they did a great job! I felt like I needed to go out and upgrade everything I got them! Next year… it’s on. I’m cranking it up a notch!

This evening’s plans consist of Star Wars at the theater with my family and A. Then friends and family watching Nightmare Before Christmas while we play some games at my place.

I wish I didn’t have to work this week, but I don’t mind staying up with friends and family and sleeping at work!

A will be here when I get off of work today and I cannot wait to hug his neck!


December 19, 2015



My pup is about 4.5 years old. I adopted him at 3. He came to me fully house broken. He can “sit” for a treat. Go into his “cage” without resistance or a fight (I only do this when the maintenance men are going to be coming around the apartment complex). He never chews on anything that isn’t his. He sleeps all night at my side. He understands what I want when I say it somehow. Me and him are the best of friends. He loves to cuddle. He is at my side all the time and if he isn’t it takes less than a “come here, boy” to get him there. I kind of think this dog picked me rather than the other way around.

There’s a problem tho. While he ABSOLUTELY loves me. He doesn’t much care for humans in general. I think in his previous life he was beaten into submission. I think that’s why he listens so well.

When I have company I have to tell them to completely ignore him. Everyone’s first instinct is to get in his face and immediately put their hands on him… but there is something about hands that set him off. He is terrified of them. And his fear manifests itself as aggression. He growls AND WILL BITE YOU if you come near him with those hands without his consent. His consent, by the way, is him coming to you (while you ignore him) and if he licks your face, you are golden! Commence petting! And really it doesn’t take too much for him to warm up to people. But if you approach him before that lick in the face… he will NEVER like you. EVER.

This is the first time I’ve dealt with these kind of issues. I don’t really know how to help him.

When it’s just me, we are perfect in our bubble. But I can’t ask anyone to dog sit for me. He likes my mom and my best friend, thank goodness. Or I’d never be able to leave town without him. He is VERY selective with whom he trusts.

I recently got him a thundershirt and this seems to help his anxiety a bit. But I don’t think it helps in the way of human relations much. Which is my primary worry. Next I will try those pheromone collars.

I tried to board him over thanksgiving with his vet. They called 2 hours later saying they couldn’t do it. THE VET COULDN’T HANDLE MY PUP! This poor, messed up, traumatized, 20 pound pup. You would think they were trained in these areas. That was a mess of a day trying to scramble to workout a plan B while not being late for my flight. Talk about stressful!

I’m not sure there’s much I can do. I think I’ll buy him a muzzle and take him to the dog park – in hopes he just needs socialization. Well that sounds dreadful, doesn’t it? People won’t wanna see that as they bring their own pups in. Maybe if I get one from the Cesar Millan collection.


Maybe that would lighten the anxiety of my fellow dog park goers.

Any have any suggestions for my perfect-for-me damaged-rescue?



December 19, 2015

Thru the community on fetlife I’ve made a new friend. I’ll refer to him as PanMan. Let me back up a bit.

I wrote about a vetting I went to a few months back. I met several people that added me on fet that night. That night I came home to a message from PanMan… he basically was saying it was nice to meet me and thought we’d have a good time if we played together. Well, at the time I thought this was incredibly audacious because I was sitting next to Sir the entire time. To be fair, Sir was pretty stoic the whole time. So I can see how PanMan might not have recognized our connection. I’m not sure if that was him protecting me or if that was just extincts and establishing his Dom presence among a room full of d/s types. I don’t know. Either way… It wasn’t a bad thing except when someone tried to introduce themselves. He had a huge wall up for whatever reason. Even so far as to not even turn his head in the direction of someone who was talking. I found it a bit odd… but didn’t question it.

Anyway, about the message. I made simple chitchat back. I kept up all the right boundaries and said it was nice meeting a Dom around my age. I don’t see that too often in this bible belt state. “Keep in touch.” We had a short back and forth after that. He recognized my point. And in the few days after that me and Sir made ourselves fetlife official. Claimed out loud. I was happy about it.

As we all know, me and Sir ended shortly after that. PanMan messaged me recently. We’ve been chatting. He’s one of those people that are really easy to get close to because he doesn’t feel the need to hold much back. It’s easy to reciprocate that.

The only thing about it is the boundaries. It’s not a gray area relationship. We are very much just friends. It’s his words. He is very complimentary. And I don’t hate that. Who would hate that?? He makes it very clear I am his type and he is attracted to me. But it’s just in words. He isn’t trying to make a move. And I feel very confident he won’t.

Maybe there isn’t a problem here. I do enjoy this friendship quite a bit. He’s had a rough patch. He’s a good talker and a good listener. Great sense of humor. I love when humor meshes like this. And truth be told he is really good for my self-esteem.

Am I playing with fire here? I would hate to hurt Andy in anyway. I would also hate if I was keeping a friendship just for my own ego… I don’t think I’m doing that here. I guess I’m just hoping I am not lying to myself about all this.

just… no

December 16, 2015


I feel a bit bad for my co-workers today. I think I need to have a mood monitor hanging in my cube. Like how they have flags at the beach. If it’s green come on in! The water’s fine! Enjoy! If its yellow, proceed with caution… maybe tread lighter than normal. Maybe avoid anti-feminist verbiage. When its red… just turn around. Avoid eye contact. No flirty jokes. I won’t be amused. If its double red…. just drop me off a box of Kleenex and maybe chocolate and don’t say a word. Tip toe out of my pitiful  excuse of an “office” undetected.

pity party

December 16, 2015

We had our Christmas luncheon today for work. They try to make it fun for us. They always have a skit or a talent show or something planned. Always a fun time. Usually I’m part of the entertainment. This year I wasn’t asked. And I didn’t think much about it. Was happy I wouldn’t have to practice for something and experience soooooo many nerves the day of.

So I head to the lunch. I car pool with a few of the guys on my team. Turns out that they did have a skit planned… and a few songs performed.

It was a Family Feud skit. How fun, right?! WRONG. BIG FAT WRONG. It would’ve been hilarious. Okay, I did enjoy most of it, but my ex-husband was in the skit. Ugh. Great. I can deal. We get along. Just hate his presence being thrown in my face all the damn time.

Like, when I get on facebook. I’ve taken great care to make sure he doesn’t pop up on my feed. On any social media for that matter. But when I get on facebook or snapchat and I see my little brother (who currently lives in my old house with my ex husband and ex dog) post pics of my old fire place with my dog it hits me really really hard. My little brother IS ON A DAMN CHRISTMAS CARD with my ex and his friends this year. So so so sensitive is my family towards me, right? I FUCKING HATE IT.

Anyway, the ex exits the stage. Raffle drawing. Christmas cake. Yada yada yada. “And two beautiful ladies have prepared a song to sing for us.”

This is the sort of situation that a flask was created for… Or you know that pill that people get embedded under the skin between their index finger and thumb with a poisonous pill that kills you instantly…?

Who gets up? My ex husband’s ex mistress. And singing about Mary and baby Jesus no less!

To round out the wonderful day I had I come home to a message from my family saying we aren’t doing our Christmas thing til the 26th… and that we can’t crash with them at all… I’ll have to get a hotel and I can’t bring my pup. Thanks for the full 10 days notice. Original plan? Wee were all bunking at my brothers on Christmas eve after a Christmas eve service together. We were going to play cards and drink eggnog.  I was taking my pup, and we were all going to wake up and open gifts and drink coffee. It’s tradition.

I’m pissed at my brother for changing plans. And I cry when I’m mad. So I’m going to bed with tear filled eyes, and puffy cheeks from wiping tears away. And inviting my pillow to join me. Rational or not, I’m indulging in this pity party. HMPH!

vanilla w/ sprinkles

December 14, 2015

With A…

Drinking with his friends: A’s best friend and his wife. Drinks, drinks, and more drinks! With sides of flat bread and conversation.

Flogging: A pillow case becoming a make shift flogger. Not painful, but oh-so sensual!

Christmas errands: Fighting the mall crowd. ‘Bows out. People watching. Making fun of the masses.

Breath play: with that same pillow case. This will always be my favorite. Rules laid out, safety gestures defined.  I disappear to heaven.

Baking and decorating cookies: He was actually better at decorating than me. I’m far from good at anything creative, but I LOVE to bake. It was nice, too, that he didn’t mind helping. He is so sweet and open and I just can’t say enough about how great A is.

Bruises: “Sorry about that.” um…. DON’T BE! I LOVE souvenirs. Being away from each other through the week makes bruises a nice reminder. His claim on me even when we aren’t in the same town. Not his intentions but of course that’s how I like to feel it.

Grocery shopping: I love when the mundane becomes so enjoyable. Random hugs and squeezes and kisses  while pushing a cart down the baking aisle. I’m sorry to all those that have issues with PDA, but I’m never turning down those random touches for anything.

Happy Monday, all!


December 7, 2015

Andy: “We’ve been invited to an ugly sweater party. I went to Goodwill after work today and picked up 2 for us, just in case you don’t have one. I can’t wait to have you hang out with my friends this weekend.”

me: “Okay! sounds good. Yeah, I don’t have one. Thanks, babe.”

And BAM my outfit was made. Skinny jeans, black boots, and a sweater I’ve never seen before. Perfect.

I thought it was so sweet that he thought about me when he was deciding his outfit. And I LOVE that he is the kind of guy to not be too cool to be festive. I mean, he went all out for halloween! Makes me smile. And anytime someone can take the pressure off of picking out an outfit to wear I will take it!

So we get to his best friend’s house…

The house is beautiful. Every nook and cranny looks like it came straight out of pinterst. No… it looked like pinterest was created because of this house. I’m never gonna be good at decorating. My poor apartment looks like a bachelor pad with only a few exceptions. I am thoroughly intimidated.

The party consists of 3 married couples and me and Andy. All the boys were guys from my high school. And 1 of the girls was from my high school. The other two from the rival school that I’ve never met but small town rumors say they were the popular, every boy wants her and every girl wants to be her, girls.

The girls are all dressed up. I mean, duh, it’s a party. Why wouldn’t they be. It was an ugly sweater party, but nothing about their outfits said ugly. They were all cute and fabulous. Hair and make up and outfit. Wow. I wanted to get behind one of the 3 perfectly decorated christmas trees I could see from my vantage point in the entry way and just kind of shrivel up.

I was so down on myself from the moment I walked in. I was in high school all over again. Before I loved me. Before I knew me. I was so out of place and it was throwing me in a time warp.

At one point the girls disappeared and I’m in the kitchen with the all their husband’s and Andy. I think about how this is Andy’s group of friends and how if I’m going to be around for a while (at least this is a hope of mine) I better try a bit harder than I was. So I go find the girls. Smoking. Okay. “wanna smoke?” “Sure.” I can get into a little social, with drinks, kind of smoke break. As soon as I light my cigarette, and thank God I got it to light after the first try, they wrapped theirs up and took off to go try on the hostess’s new lipstick… Um, okay. So i’m outside by myself thinking do I just stomp this out and follow them? Finish it and follow them? Just stay here finish it then resume my position next to Andy’s side? I scold myself for not trying enough. I command myself: put the cig out and go find the girls. They put a lipstick on me that is more of a stain than a lipstick. And of course it looks terrible. It wasn’t in the lines. Don’t let a drunk girl that cares nothing about you put on a stained lipstick. So they all prance off once again. I’m looking at the lipstick and trying to fix the lines. I hate it. I go back to join the rest. We all decide to play drinking games. Cool. But all I can think about is how ridiculous I look with the reddest shade of stain on my lips. Gag. I disappear and try to scrub it off. This must be really expensive shit cuz it ain’t goin’ nowhere! I join the others with painful lips that look even worse because of all the stain I’ve just managed to move around my mouth area.

When I think about the whole thing I get upset with myself for getting so caught up in really really old insecurities I had. I don’t care to fit in with these kind of girls. I can invest in Andy’s friends without being like them. What was I thinking? Why was I being such a junior high girl about it?

I like me. I wish I would’ve stood my ground and kept my identity. I wish I was above regression. Not sure if it was the high school crowd, or just feeling like an outsider… but I did not like the me that was wishy washy.

An old lesson from an adult perspective. I don’t need to be someone else. I love who I am. It shouldn’t bother me that others might not. Definitely a good reality check for me. Hold true to me. No reason not to.

I’m shaking it off and putting that in my back pocket.

the feels

December 3, 2015

I’m so full of the feels this week.

I don’t know if its because I’m missing Andy or missing my family or what! Is it post thanksgiving blues?

And I don’t know that I’m feeling particularly blue, but I’m craving intimacy. And not necessarily the sexy kind. (Wouldn’t turn that down, tho!) I just have this affection for everyone this week. I visited my brother last week. And I’m missing him and his wife, and that baby that is about ready to pop. I miss Andy. I haven’t seen him in 2 weeks. I miss my sister. I miss my mom, and she only lives 20 minutes away! I wanna wrap myself up in someone’s arms… a lover or a brother. It wouldn’t matter. I just have this need. The feels… They are strong this week.

Maybe it’s just the balance of life. I have a few days a month I’m the most annoyed and short tempered person on the planet so I have to have a few days of the opposite… Draw everyone in, sprinkle grace on everyone and everything. Love for you, love for you, and you too!

I don’t feel lonely, I just kind of feel needy. The feels… It’s the good kind.

I get to see Andy tomorrow and I have no doubt he’ll be the perfect outlet for my feels. I can’t wait!