big ball of anxiety

Just like last month my PMS came in the form of anxiety. I’m normally a pretty tense person, but the levels of anxiousness this week have been unreal. It’s so strange to me. I swear my body hates me more and more for not having a kid already. GEEZE! My internal clock is insanely loud these days.

Earlier this week I went 24 hours without hearing from Andy. Since september 26th I haven’t gone more than 12 hours without a word from him. All I could do was invision him in a ditch with his truck laying on top of him. I was a nut case!

When in reality the way our schedules line up (or don’t line up) and the fact that his phone decided to stop working it just didn’t work out that he could get ahold of me. I was thinking about contacting his family and friends and worrying the world because I hadn’t heard from him. I just all out crazy panicked. I’m thankful that I talked myself down from that ledge tho. I haven’t met most of his people yet and that would NOT have been a good first impression. I was beside myself tho. It was terrible!

If there was ever question on if I cared about him, this cleared it up! When he finally was able to communicate with me via someone else’s phone I had already worked myself up so much that I had to cry any way. It was just too much. I had to let it spill over. I blame this sort of release on Sir, he tapped into my emotions in a way that makes me very in touch with them. It’s like he bridged a gap I was missing. So when I feel it, I can’t hold it in if I tried. I went to the bathroom to ball my eyes out at work after I hung up with Andy. I just also wish that in that moment I had someone to collapse into. That would’ve have made it more complete.

I can’t wait to hug Andy today. Friday’s are not just the end of my work week now, but the day I get to see him after being apart all week. I just cannot wait to have him hold me. There’s zero chance of me escaping this weekend without anothter tearful breakdown. It’s new to not see it as weakness but as strength to let the tears flow and the emotions release. Somehow it’s empowering. One of the many lessons Sir gave me.

On top of that my estranged uncle got run over by a car… RUN OVER BY A DAMN CAR. As in, it rolled on top of him. And that vehicle also happened to be pulling a trailer. So first the car ROLLED over him then the trailer. INSANE. He is alive but badly banged up. Three out of four limbs were effected. I’ve been helping him with errands and getting things in order for him. It was so taxing. I feel awful complaining about helping him while he is so injured while I’m young, healthy, and able. But this man, he is so hard to deal with. I haven’t talked to him in years. It drained me. I. Am. Spent.

 

Advertisements

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: