Archive for November, 2015

so. much. pie.

November 30, 2015

I went to visit family this past week. My sister in law is a wiz in the kitchen. I ate and ate and ate all week. We’d have lunch with dessert, then two hours later someone says pie and every one has a round of pie with whipped cream. Then a few hours later we’d have dinner with dessert. Then the alcohol would start. This went on for days!!

So! Now that I’ve enjoyed that… It’s time to fix it.

Thanksgiving detox!!

Step 1: commence fluids!!! ALL THE WATER! ALWAYS HAVE WATER.

Step 2: Stay productive. Clean, wrap gifts, read a book, take a bath, but whatever you do stay productive (or at least busy)!

Step 3: Stay active! Don’t skip the workout. Add some extra cardio. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Continue this till the scale says something you kind of sort of recognize!

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big ball of anxiety

November 20, 2015

Just like last month my PMS came in the form of anxiety. I’m normally a pretty tense person, but the levels of anxiousness this week have been unreal. It’s so strange to me. I swear my body hates me more and more for not having a kid already. GEEZE! My internal clock is insanely loud these days.

Earlier this week I went 24 hours without hearing from Andy. Since september 26th I haven’t gone more than 12 hours without a word from him. All I could do was invision him in a ditch with his truck laying on top of him. I was a nut case!

When in reality the way our schedules line up (or don’t line up) and the fact that his phone decided to stop working it just didn’t work out that he could get ahold of me. I was thinking about contacting his family and friends and worrying the world because I hadn’t heard from him. I just all out crazy panicked. I’m thankful that I talked myself down from that ledge tho. I haven’t met most of his people yet and that would NOT have been a good first impression. I was beside myself tho. It was terrible!

If there was ever question on if I cared about him, this cleared it up! When he finally was able to communicate with me via someone else’s phone I had already worked myself up so much that I had to cry any way. It was just too much. I had to let it spill over. I blame this sort of release on Sir, he tapped into my emotions in a way that makes me very in touch with them. It’s like he bridged a gap I was missing. So when I feel it, I can’t hold it in if I tried. I went to the bathroom to ball my eyes out at work after I hung up with Andy. I just also wish that in that moment I had someone to collapse into. That would’ve have made it more complete.

I can’t wait to hug Andy today. Friday’s are not just the end of my work week now, but the day I get to see him after being apart all week. I just cannot wait to have him hold me. There’s zero chance of me escaping this weekend without anothter tearful breakdown. It’s new to not see it as weakness but as strength to let the tears flow and the emotions release. Somehow it’s empowering. One of the many lessons Sir gave me.

On top of that my estranged uncle got run over by a car… RUN OVER BY A DAMN CAR. As in, it rolled on top of him. And that vehicle also happened to be pulling a trailer. So first the car ROLLED over him then the trailer. INSANE. He is alive but badly banged up. Three out of four limbs were effected. I’ve been helping him with errands and getting things in order for him. It was so taxing. I feel awful complaining about helping him while he is so injured while I’m young, healthy, and able. But this man, he is so hard to deal with. I haven’t talked to him in years. It drained me. I. Am. Spent.

 

dear m

November 17, 2015

I got a drunk text from M a few weeks back. “Whenever you want to date again just let me know. Drunk text.”

Funny what a little perspective shift will do to a woman. The heart broken me in the middle of July would take this and run with it. I would’ve been dating him again in a heart beat. And him sober would be like WTF and a month later he would’ve broken up with me again. Stupid cycle.

The happy me sees straight through it. He’s qualifying what he is saying even while drunk! He is already giving himself an out for 12 hours later when I say “hey lets hang out.” I see it plain as day!

Us women… can’t give us advice for anything. My mom and sister and friends told me the whole time I fought with this guy… I deserve better. Perspective. It’s a funny thing.

So after this drunk text I waited for a time I knew he’d be sober and I told him I was dating someone new. A few days later he told me he wasn’t man enough to be friends with me. While that is extremely unsettling for me because I can’t stand to make enemies or have people mad at me or be in any kind of discord with another human, I am okay with his declaration. He told me he will block me and ignore me where blocking isn’t an option. I get it.

Dear M,

You dictated every step of our relationship. When we (finally) made it official (and very reluctantly). You dictated when it ended. Then when it ended again. Everything was driven by what you allowed. So why, then, can you not handle me with someone else? If you wanted me, you would’ve kept me. I know I’m as awesome as you think I am. I know I’m someone you valued and held dear and even loved. But I’m not THE ONE. And thats okay. But I never want to be something you settled on because I’m a great influence on your life. The light in the dark, if you don’t mind me being dramatic. I thank you for letting me be apart of it for awhile. I loved you feircly and I would’ve put up with all your moody bullshit. And gladly. But you don’t want me. Don’t forget that in your drunken stupers.

Bye M.

something right

November 13, 2015

I think I’ve been making a mistake by only looking at the bad moments and asking what is going wrong.

I think intuitively my process (of working through my binge/emotional eating disorder) has been:

  • Learn to recognize the bad moments while in a bad moment.
  • Think about why this moment is bad. Be extremely specific and focus on what emotion I am feeling.
  • Learn from that going forward, whether its eliminating the source or finding productive ways to deal with it other than eating.

But what if the question isn’t what is wrong in the bad moments, but asking what is right in the good moments? Why shouldn’t we practice mindfulness in the good times too?

I’ve had a kickass week. K I C K A S S !

I never once had a binge moment. Or even a thought of binging. I never had to struggle with it at all. Usually I’m neck deep in should I order chef shuttle or not EVERY NIGHT. Getting as far as the check out page and closing the browser only to jump back on chef shuttle and repeat. Not once this week!

It could simply be it’s that sweet spot week that my hormone levels aren’t crazy. Which would be really sad because that would mean that 50-75% of my child bearing years are just damned to sabotage me. Not comforting.

I was productive. Got a few amazing workouts. I got a set of 10 pushups!! I’ve been working up to that for a while now. I ran some much needed errands. Made a major dent in my christmas shopping. Cleaned out my pantry. At work I was extremely productive too. Felt like a contributing part of my team… doesn’t happen often being the low man on the totem pole. But it’s hard to nail down what the product of a right moment is and what the source of a good moment is. Like, am I feeling productive because I did all those things? or is my productivity the side effect of something else that was right…?

So what was right?

  • I don’t have a relationship inner struggle. The Sir/poly/Andy/mono struggle I was consumed with is resolved. I knew it was resting heavy on me, but stress is one of those things that you don’t quite know how much its effecting you til it is lifted and gone.
  • I had all the right groceries in my fridge. Usually this is the case, but I also took time this week to prep food for the following day each day. I kind of followed the zone diet. So I’d make/prep/pack at least 6 zones to take to work with me to eat before I got home and before my workout.
  • Me and Andy are great. He has a way of saying things that put me at ease as soon as I feel the girly doubtful irrational thoughts creep in my head.
  • My ex finally paid the rest of what he owed me for the house. I’ve been stressing about money lately and christmas shopping seemed so dreadful. But he paid me the money and it made my christmas shopping much more enjoyable. I basically got my list of people taken care of. The rest of my christmas shopping is going to be way relaxing. Basically now I can just buy when I see something that makes me thing of someone. The fun thoughtful gifts people wouldn’t think of.
  • This is the second week in a row I’ve kept my social calendar relatively clear. I was getting into a habit of filling it all up. Every evening I had plans. So the moments I was sitting still would hit me like a brick and trigger whatever binge emotions are there. It took me 5 days of chilling out to actually relax and calm my inner cookie (and pizza and really any other carb) monster. It’s funny, I don’t feel bored or lonely in these moments… but maybe there’s something there… about the chaos of life stopping that does trigger it. Been bouncing this around in my head after I realized how relaxed I finally got last Thursday.

So the big ones are in that list…. work, relationships, money… those all felt right this week. Hm… interesting!

Despite being on-call this week, and having that be disruptive to my sleep schedule, I felt completely in control. I decided when and what I was going to eat instead of the cravings deciding for me. Everything I ate was quality food, perfect portions, and once it was done I was done. These moments are so rare it seems. Feels good to be in control.

Let’s do this again next week!

Happy Friday all!

leather

November 12, 2015

I was shopping at Dillard’s in the men’s section for a few people on my Christmas shopping list. I needed to buy a belt. And not a lame can’t-think-of-anything-else-to-get belt. It’s a very thoughtful I-remember-he-said-he-needed-a-new-belt belt.

The belt section.

The smell was intoxicating.

Leather.

Good lord, the scent of leather.

I think I touched every single one.

The feel of leather.

Did I say intoxicating?

It was intoxicating.

vanilla drop?

November 11, 2015

I didn’t recognize it as ‘sub’ space when I was there. But I crashed just the same.

Me and Andy had just finished up, and I went to the bathroom per my usually post-sex routine. But it hit me hard and I immediately went to back to him. I curled up onto him. I couldn’t stop shaking. Usually I have some sort of control on it… whether its a small stifling or flat out stopping it…. Shakes came hard and fast and frequent. Violent almost. I could feel the tears sitting on the inside of my cheeks, threatening to push up and out.

He kept asking if I was okay. I could barely get out a ‘yes.’ How do I explain a subdrop to someone vanilla? All I could say (after quite some time and fumbling over words) was that I must have just let my self go up too high. He was really sweet about it. He didn’t mind my crying. He encouraged it. He said that he’d rather me cry in his arms than without him.

I feel like Sir has tapped into a dam. He opened me up to whatever that was. And whatever it is is STILL open. And without feeding my masochism.. I didn’t really know that could happen. And it all still kind of confuses me. Do people experience this? I never have before out side of a d/s scene. I mean, yes I shake some, not to that extent tho, and never the crying.

The next time we had sex he took time to bring me down. I didn’t advise him that I thought he should. Or give him any ques at all on how to possibly make my drop a little easier. He rubbed my back all over. Petting me. Large round strokes on my bare skin. I don’t know how he knew to do that. It was so sweet. I’m not sure if it’s something he researched… I try not to talk about d/s stuff with him at all, but I have told him a lot in the past… I just don’t talk about it anymore with him. So I’m not even sure there was something he would know to look up. I’m just really happy that he learned from an experience that I didn’t even know there was something to learn from. It was a very sweet gesture.

Have any of you experienced this?

rant of the day: SME

November 10, 2015

When subject matter experts just make fun of the non-experts thoughts, plans, or ideas related to the subject matter at hand…..

A subject matter expert isn’t an expert so they can sit on a thrown and people watch the masses only to make fun of how much of an expert they aren’t. You are a fucking expert so you can impart your knowledge. So you can make suggestions. So you can better the engine you work on. ugh…. I hate that I’m considered one of these because the current ones are such jackasses.

Rant over.