released

Things with Andy are amazing. I can’t believe how much I feel for someone so quickly.

I spoke with Sir T about my struggles about keeping them both. It was becoming harder and harder to be intimate with Sir T because it felt like that part should be saved for only Andy. I know, this is my monogamous conditioning… but it’s how I feel… And no matter how right or wrong it is on anyone’s spectrum, I have to follow my own feelings and my own “right”.

We talked about this for about a week. Going over options. Educating me a bit more on the different types of love. Giving me tools to make up my own mind. No matter the outcome of the discussions it always came down to this: Andy IS monogamous. I can’t expect him to be okay with this for too much long. Also, my goal in life is a husband and kids. How will that work with my other *hobbies*?

I was feeling like this kink part of me was becoming a selfish part of me.

After several hours of conversation Sir T released me from his reign. He released me.

😦

There is so much more to it. It’s so hard to explain this huge bond I was developing with Sir T. It feels stronger than gravity. How do you defy gravity? What have I done here? He made cry with him. He is so good at knowing what is better for me. My own way would be to leave quickly, get in my car, and sob like a baby while I drive. My car… that’s my crying space. But he kept me there… holding me while I let it out. Making sure I knew he loved me and that I knew it was okay. That he still wants to be apart of my life. Soothing my fears of him hating me for not being able to be poly.

Over the next few days I couldn’t get over the urges to check in. While I was entirely relieved that I was only committed to one man, I felt a bit on the lost side. This is so crazy. I don’t understand how I can have such a strong bond with people in such a short time. It’s as if Sir T brainwashed me in the best way. But he didn’t realize that in doing so he was the one to open me up to Andy. He was the one that put me in a place to fully walk into this new amazing relationship.

About this brainwashing… For the first time in my life I feel pretty. I feel sexy. And I don’t feel fat. Let me say that again, because I promise you didn’t feel how big that is. I don’t feel fat! Consistently. As in… I look in the mirror and my body image is becoming less and less of an issue. How and when the hell did THIS happen??? I can’t get over what Sir T has given me. I will never get over it. I will always be in amazement over it. How did he know exactly how to get me to this place? He was so much more than some kinky partner. He was my life coach. He was my protector. He was who I sought for advice. I was so open with him. And he rewarded me for it.

I’ve spoken to him since the release… and he wants to get together to talk about possible options with us and possibly continuing our relationship with different boundaries set up. Boundaries that allow me to feel faithful to Andy and still have this part of me living… I have so much to think about.

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One Response to “released”

  1. violetonlineisonline Says:

    beautiful positive words and feelings, great.

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