catharsis

I had a really emotional week. Family things going on. Personal things going on. It was effecting my sleep. My mood. Everything. Through the week Sir kept asking if he should come over. Scene with me. I told him not to worry about it. I didn’t want to disturb his schedule. I could handle things. It’s what I do. Not well, but I do it alone. I didn’t realize how stubborn I was being. Here’s a man who wanted to help. He wanted to take care of me. He wanted to at least be the shoulder I cried on… And I just kept pushing that away all week.

Our date was scheduled for Saturday night. I was ready. Something about the week tho… being so thrown off. I knew tears would be close. I did my normal primp prep. Pedicure, nails, eyebrows, shave, shower, lotion… It’s my calming ritual.

Before the play date began, we had been invited to a vetting. This is where members of certain kink groups meet you and basically pass you off in order to be invited to play parties. I was nervous. But it went well. It was intimidating, but I didn’t ever feel overwhelmed. The leaders of the group were great. There was something so inviting and charming about those ladies. I spoke to one who told me she was a sub… my jaw dropped (in my head; physically I stayed composed). She was so vibrant. Commanding. Calming. Surely she was all Domme. Nope. I spoke with Sir about this later. Subs go through phases. The right Dom pulls out the confidence of his sub. Strengthens her. I totally see that. I get it. What a beautiful thought!

Anyway, back at my apartment I put Sammie in his kennel (he doesn’t like when mommy is choked). I went into the bedroom. He stripped me down, but this time he left my bra and panties on. He strapped my ankles to a spreader bar (a first for me). He put a braided leather belt around my neck. He cuffed my hands together. He threw me on the bed and told me how he wanted me. It was impossible to make it to the position he asked for with a spreader bar between my legs. Whoever this was made for was SURELY taller than me. I finally wiggled into place. I’m sure it wasn’t sexy AT ALL. He might have evil-y giggled once. Maybe not. I was really concentrating.

He has two other belts that he takes turns using on me. I love belts. The thud to sting ratio is my favorite. He doesn’t neglect that belt around my neck either. He uses that quite freely. I love it. Breath play: it’s the quickest way to wet in my world. He knows it. He didn’t use this much when we first played. In fact I wondered if he’d ever get to it. But some people – they don’t touch it. It’s dangerous. It’s oxygen. It’s life. I get it. Once he realized it’s effect on me tho… He couldn’t ignore it.

I don’t know how long this went on. But something inside me was being pulled to the surface. I couldn’t have held it back if my life depended on it. I just started sobbing. Not a small sniffle. But huge sobs. Body shaking sobs. Again, not my sexiest night. He was at my side in half a second. I immediately made sure he knew it wasn’t from the pain. But he was a step ahead of me. He coached me through the whole release. Telling me to let it go. Whispering to me the entire time. Stroking my hair. I couldn’t remember when the spreader bar was taken off… was it before or after the break down? But I was still face down, but now my knees were curled under me. I had a hold of his arm. He just kept coaching me through. It was… the most complete catharsis. Not sure how he knew before I did. How does he know things? But this was his intention. He was pushing me over the edge I was so stubbornly clinging to.

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5 Responses to “catharsis”

  1. randomthoughtsofareformedparamour Says:

    The tears are the best… That letting go of all of your worries. I was so afraid too and fought it off for many months, now it’s all I think about

  2. panman | Lot of ramblings from little ole me Says:

    […] I wrote about a vetting I went to a few months back. I met several people that added me on fet that night. That night I came home to a message from PanMan… he basically was saying it was nice to meet me and thought we’d have a good time if we played together. Well, at the time I thought this was incredibly audacious because I was sitting next to Sir the entire time. To be fair, Sir was pretty stoic the whole time. So I can see how PanMan might not have recognized our connection. I’m not sure if that was him protecting me or if that was just extincts and establishing his Dom presence among a room full of d/s types. I don’t know. Either way… It wasn’t a bad thing except when someone tried to introduce themselves. He had a huge wall up for whatever reason. Even so far as to not even turn his head in the direction of someone who was talking. I found it a bit odd… but didn’t question it. […]

  3. being his | Lot of ramblings from little ole me Says:

    […] “oh, that IS what I was doing.” He so sincerely said, “Yes, yes, I did.” Sir T taught me this too. It’s more than just what you enjoy in bed… it’s an outlet to […]

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