at war

I’ve had nightmares all week. It’s strange… I don’t remember any details. I just know I was scared and I didn’t enjoy it. All week I’ve been stuck in this level of sleep that doesn’t quite let me rest.

I’m struggling with something. There is something I’m not at ease about. And I know what it is.

Polyamory.

My personal convictions are butting heads with my current situation. My mind is fighting my history. My new views and opinions and experiences are at war with what I’ve known.

Sir keeps saying… it’s my conditioning. And that’s exactly right. We are taught from the moment we are able to enjoy tv shows and cartoons… That one knight with the one princess. It’s so ingrained. SO deeply ingrained that I am not struggling on the surface. I’M A HAPPY GIRL THESE DAYS! I’m not struggling till I’m asleep. This is so crazy. I feel the war going on. And there’s no way to speed up this processing. I just have to deal with it. Go with it. And think through everything as it comes up.

I’m enjoying the opportunity to buck up against the things in life I considered truths. I like questioning things I’ve never considered movable. There’s something about it that feels good. I’m developing me. I’m cultivating my own thoughts and opinions. I’m making up my own mind. It feels amazing. At the same time, it truly is a war. I’m struggling.

In any war, there will be a victor. And to be honest. At this point… I don’t know which side I will go with. But I do know that at the end of the war I’ll be my own person, holding on to my own beliefs, and going through life with a new set of beliefs. My very own caliber of integrity. I love that. And even if the end result is just that I personally can’t do it, I still will have a more open mind to the world and those relationships around me. I’ll have a whole new appreciation.

I love the fact that I can love more than one person. That I can have relationships, one for each of my needs. And that everyone is in harmony with. Everyone knows everything. It’s so freeing. But, I feel the fight. I talk to Andy about Sir. I talk to Sir about Andy… and I constantly fight the urge to lie, or spin the truth, or down play certain things. Why is it so natural to be deceptive? I hope to relearn this especially. To be open about everything. The truth only leads to deeper connections. That’s what I’ve re-learned so far. And there’s nothing regretful about that!

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